First time at a church service in eleven years....sort of

[apromisemade]

Well, after weeks of procrastinating, I finally resolved to go to a church service, after not having done so in eleven years. I decided to go to the Catholic Mass that is given in the campus chapel at 8 p.m. I went there 1/2 hour early, but when I got there and heard other people already there and the choir warming up, my social anxiety set in and I lost my nerve.

So I sat by myself outside the door and listened through the wall as the mass was conducted for the schools Catholic students (now that’s *got *to be a metaphor for something). The person conducting the service talked a fair amount about immorality, that is, sins against ourselves.

And as he talked about disrespecting our bodies and therefore disrespecting Gods temples, I began to think about the ways I had disrespected my body, of the things I would do in the dark when no one was looking. And of how God saved me from the ultimate form of disrespect for our body and the gift of life, suicide.

I went in after most of the people had left and prayed by myself. But I had a hard time feeling good about it, I was so ladened with guilt after what I had heard from the service. I was consumed by remorse for my lust, indifference, self-absorbtion, and lack of gratitude for the ways God has blessed, at times literally saving, my life. I prayed to got in the stillness, He and I talked, and eventually I felt better. But as I walked out of the main chapel room, I realized I didn’t want to leave. I, once again, sat down outside the door; wanting, I think, to cling to the experience of the Mass as long as possible, but feeling unworthy to go back inside. Eventually I heard the deacon beginning to lock the doors and decided I’d best leave.

I’m back in my room now, but all I can think about is going back and sitting and praying in the chapel. I feel kind of embarresed though that I let the deacon and some of the other kids see me kneel and pray as they were gathering up after the service.

I dunno, just random thoughts. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this out.

There are many different churches and services around this my new school, but perhaps it would be better if I continued to pray alone as I always have.

 

[Trishie]

Hey! Why should you feel embaressed that you were praying as the folks were cleaning up! I stay after Mass often. Many people do. They’d hardly think about it. It okay, you are free to be who you are with God.

That you were feeling so repentant…what a grace the Lord was giving you. He wanted you to understand the ways you’ve sinned against yourself and Him, but only out of LOVE, not blame! Only so you can realize, and repent as you have done…and you dear fearful thing! go to Confession as soon as you feel able…and I pray you do soon so that you can complete the grace God has given you. Go to Confession so that your soul can be swept and washed clean…

…and then you can set about trying with God’s grace to break the habits of sins and grow into the wonderful, beautiful person you really are, the person who is drawn towards God, as you find yourself now to be, the person who really hears, said personally to you by Jesus, “I love you. I lived and taught and died and rose for you. You are precious to me. Unique. I have been waiting for you. Come and live fully my commandment to love God above all, and others as yourself…and hear in My command to love others as yourself I am asking you to love yourself, in humility and honesty. Become the person you really are, the exquisitely beautiful person whom I call you to be.”

 

[Trishie]

Grant me Your Spirit

Holy Spirit, I need wisdom, discernment and unconditional love. Will You share Yours with me? I need healing for injuries and scars that prevent me from fully becoming the person I am created to be. Come into my mind and soul, and help me through the rest of my life. Help me to persevere in these necessary virtues, even where there is wounding greater than anyone is aware. Help me to carry my daily responsibilities with faith and hope.

I need You, Holy Spirit. Please access the gifts and beauty of my unique creation in God’s image. For other’s benefit and for Your glory, give me a deep appreciation and use of the goodness, loveliness joy and blessing of this creation that You mean me to be.

“Pray for a strong spirit, the Spirit of God. And thank God often for yourself, for His gift to you.” Priest in Confession, Divine Mercy Sunday

 

[apromisemade]

Hey! Why should you feel embaressed that you were praying as the folks were cleaning up! I stay after Mass often. Many people do. They’d hardly think about it. It okay, you are free to be who you are with God.

That you were feeling so repentant…what a grace the Lord was giving you. He wanted you to understand the ways you’ve sinned against yourself and Him, but only out of LOVE, not blame! Only so you can realize, and repent as you have done…and you dear fearful thing! go to Confession as soon as you feel able…and I pray you do soon so that you can complete the grace God has given you. Go to Confession so that your soul can be swept and washed clean…

…and then you can set about trying with God’s grace to break the habits of sins and grow into the wonderful, beautiful person you really are, the person who is drawn towards God, as you find yourself now to be, the person who really hears, said personally to you by Jesus, “I love you. I lived and taught and died and rose for you. You are precious to me. Unique. I have been waiting for you. Come and live fully my commandment to love God above all, and others as yourself…and hear in My command to love others as yourself I am asking you to love yourself, in humility and honesty. Become the person you really are, the exquisitely beautiful person whom I call you to be.”

Thank you so much Trishie. You never fail to humble me with your warmth and kindness.

As much as I wish I could talk to a priest of some sort about these thoughts and feelings, I can’t go to confession because…well…I’m not Catholic. That’s, I think, is part of why I felt nervous and decided to just sit outside the main Chapel and listen to the mass rather than sit in the pew and watch it. I wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate for a non-Catholic to do that, as I’m unfamilar with all the traditions and procedures for a Mass.

 

[maslibertad]

Non catholics are allowed to sit through the Mass but you can not recieve communion, just stay in your seat and pray. Look at the bulletin and see when the RCIA classes are held. There you can learn more about the faith and ask any questions you may have. That would lead to catechism classes and baptism, confirmation communion and all sacraments.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Remember the book “Robinson Crusoe,” by Daniel Defoe?

Many read it when they were in grade school, and really thought it was a story about survival.

However, it was actually a story about conversion. In fact, the story Defoe wrote was probably fiction, but was about his own religious conversion.

In the story, Crusoe was a staunch atheist who hated religion. He lived a life of womanizing and searching for wealth to his own detriment, when he was shipwrecked off the Barbary Coast and was captured and sold into slavery, of which he eventually escaped. But his lust for wealth was still strong and in fact, he was on his way to buy slaves and the ship that he was shipwrecked from, was a slave trader.

When he washed up on the island, he salvaged as much as he could. However, the only book he managed to save was a Bible. Because of his hatred toward religion, this infuriated him and he ignored it for some time. However, eventually, after he had himself settled in with shelter and provisions, he became bored and started to read the Bible. While reading, he began an internal struggle, on the whether God existed or not. If God existed, he would have to look inside himself, and deal with his own knowledge of who he is, and how he had lived his life so far. So, the fear of doing such a thing, kept him fighting with his own reasoning, that God did not exist. However, he was loosing the arguments, as he read more of the Bible and the Holy Spirit began to convict him. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that God did in fact exist. That realization however, brought him into a state of anxiety and stress like he never experienced, because his sins were now standing out in the open before God. Adam and Eve’s nakedness after they had sin, took meaning he never understood before. It was their souls that were exposed, and which they were trying to hide, not their physical bodies. For Crusoe, the torment of his guilt was so bad, that he struggled through the night laying in a bed of his own perspiration, until he finally screamed out to God for help. Then the Holy Spirit descended upon him, and he felt the saving power of Jesus Christ. A yoke was lifted as he became aware, that his sins were forgiven. He was reborn, so to speak. His joy and peace was so great, that he wrote in his diary, that through all the suffering he endured throughout his life, nothing gave such relief as the forgiveness of his sins.

So it is with all of us, who turn to God. Our sins stand before us, and we feel their weight, until we scream out for some one to help us. Then, Jesus Christ comes and washes away our sins and we are made new.

Guilt is something we hang on to. Our faith should teach us that God’s compassion and mercy, is beyond anything we ourselves are capable of, and we need his grace, to move ahead.

Anyway, just some thoughts that came to mind, as I read this thread.

Jim

 

[puzzleannie]

There are many different churches and services around this my new school, but perhaps it would be better if I continued to pray alone as I always have.

perhaps it would be even better if you would spend time meditating and praying about the situations that let to feelings (very healthy) of guilt and contrition, expressed sorrow for those things first in your personal prayer, and then returned to confession so you can first hand experience the unfailing love and mercy of God’s forgiveness, and return to Mass and the sacraments with a clean heart (and I predict a lessening of anxiety).

 

[HappyRevert]

Well, after weeks of procrastinating, I finally resolved to go to a church service, after not having done so in eleven years. I decided to go to the Catholic Mass that is given in the campus chapel at 8 p.m. I went there 1/2 hour early, but when I got there and heard other people already there and the choir warming up, my social anxiety set in and I lost my nerve.

So I sat by myself outside the door and listened through the wall as the mass was conducted for the schools Catholic students (now that’s *got *to be a metaphor for something). The person conducting the service talked a fair amount about immorality, that is, sins against ourselves.

And as he talked about disrespecting our bodies and therefore disrespecting Gods temples, I began to think about the ways I had disrespected my body, of the things I would do in the dark when no one was looking. And of how God saved me from the ultimate form of disrespect for our body and the gift of life, suicide.

I went in after most of the people had left and prayed by myself. But I had a hard time feeling good about it, I was so ladened with guilt after what I had heard from the service. I was consumed by remorse for my lust, indifference, self-absorbtion, and lack of gratitude for the ways God has blessed, at times literally saving, my life. I prayed to got in the stillness, He and I talked, and eventually I felt better. But as I walked out of the main chapel room, I realized I didn’t want to leave. I, once again, sat down outside the door; wanting, I think, to cling to the experience of the Mass as long as possible, but feeling unworthy to go back inside. Eventually I heard the deacon beginning to lock the doors and decided I’d best leave.

I’m back in my room now, but all I can think about is going back and sitting and praying in the chapel. I feel kind of embarresed though that I let the deacon and some of the other kids see me kneel and pray as they were gathering up after the service.

I dunno, just random thoughts. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this out.

There are many different churches and services around this my new school, but perhaps it would be better if I continued to pray alone as I always have.

What a wonderful gift you’ve been given. The Lord is calling you, and not only can you see how you’ve sinned (as we all have), you are being called to His Perfect Forgiveness. The Lord wants you to be with Him and be the person he designed you uniquely to be. Go back to the church and pray, then find someone with whom to speak. A priest, nun, or other person that the Lord puts in your path. You will find prayers together multiply their force. Once the Lord starts calling you in this fashion, he is hard to resist so go along on this beautiful ride he has started for you.