First time confession

[Charliesj]

Hello I’m currently in rcia at my parish and had a question about confession. I’m converting from Presbyterian and was baptized as an infant, I know I’m supposed to confess all sins from baptism until now but at 31 that’s a lot I’d laugh if I wast so ashamed at all the times I’ve let God down. So my question is: how far back do I go? Or just maybe make a bullet point version?
When in rcia do we go to confession? Is it right before Easter vigil?
I’m sure all this will be covered but I don’t want it sprung on me a few days before, I’d like some time to think it over.

Also i was told not to be too detailed in specifics with the priest but also be thorough. I don’t know how I can do both
Thanks

 

[Elizium23]

One way you can approach this would be by following the Ten Commandments. There are good/great examinations of conscience available which correlate many, if not all, sins to one of the Ten. So you only need to confess about ten things. You also need to figure out how many times you committed the sins. You can estimate, and giving a frequency helps. “I violated the fourth commandment twice a day for four years.” This framework will satisfy the legal requirement to confess mortal sins in “kind and number” and will make any priest happy.

 

[CJsmommy]

I just had my first confession, and I’ve got a few years on you. I know I didn’t remember every last thing. Pray to God for discernment, and find a mortal sins checklist online. They’re based on the Ten Commandments. We covered the commandments right before the end of classes so they’d be fresh in our minds. It helped me to write them down and it felt great to tear up the paper after.
Be brief, I went with what the sin was and who was affected. If the priest needs more detail he’ll ask.

 

[peter26]

I had to do this a few weeks back prior to my conversion. Its easier than it sounds. Firstly, if you are asked to just go along at regular confession times make sure you tell the priest up front its your first confession. He will be more understanding that way. Just say “Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession.” Then you list your sins. You only have to list them in a general way, you do not have to refer to specific incidents. Let’s say as an example you had told a lot of lies. Its sufficient to say “I lied about 100 times”. You don’t have to say “On January 26th 1995, I got to work late and lied about there being bad traffic” etc. I’m 27 and it took me about 40 minutes, and that was with a priest who is quite talkative. It was scary going in, but I felt wonderful when I left. If you are worried though, try to have a talk with your priest before hand and he may have some more specific guidance for you.

 

[JRS_88]

I came back to the Church after over 30yrs away. The last time I went to confession I was 14.
I found an Examination of Conscience online (there are many good ones) and I took my time, and made a list.
I wrote down everything I could remember. I tried to be as thorough as possible.
You don’t have to get too into specifics, but it’s possible the priest might ask you to clarify something.
When I confessed, I took the list with me and used it. It helped me stay focused, and helped me to remember everything.

 

[MaryHelp777]

I came back to the Church after over 30yrs away. The last time I went to confession I was 14.
I found an Examination of Conscience online (there are many good ones) and I took my time, and made a list.
I wrote down everything I could remember. I tried to be as thorough as possible.
You don’t have to get too into specifics, but it’s possible the priest might ask you to clarify something.
When I confessed, I took the list with me and used it. It helped me stay focused, and helped me to remember everything.

How specific must a person be who has been 30 years without confession;

Eg: broad 10 Commandments confession for 10mins,

Or mention every last detail for a 40mins confession,

How specific is too specific,

How vague is too vague?

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Hello I’m currently in rcia at my parish and had a question about confession. I’m converting from Presbyterian and was baptized as an infant, I know I’m supposed to confess all sins from baptism until now but at 31 that’s a lot I’d laugh if I wast so ashamed at all the times I’ve let God down. So my question is: how far back do I go? Or just maybe make a bullet point version?
When in rcia do we go to confession? Is it right before Easter vigil?
I’m sure all this will be covered but I don’t want it sprung on me a few days before, I’d like some time to think it over.

Also i was told not to be too detailed in specifics with the priest but also be thorough. I don’t know how I can do both
Thanks

Best wishes as the programme continues…and a very warm welcome indeed.

I have been hearing confessions for many years. Be at peace. It is very normal to be nervous but there is really no reason to be.

It won’t be sprung on you, so you need not worry about that. Normally, it happens in the days before the Easter Vigil.

As others have said, it sounds much more daunting than it really is. Presuming that you will have an experienced confessor, it should go smoothly and quickly and painlessly – and he will help you.

• Use of one of the on-line examinations of conscience can be a great help in preparing.
• You can, of course, make notes to help you. Just be sure to shred them after.
• You are also free to choose ANY priest for your first confession – it does not have to be the one overseeing your RCIA or even one associated with your parish.

The best advice is not to think linear (on such and such date, I did X) but in terms of the sin as a category and then add an approximate number, if we are talking about serious sin as opposed to venial sin. “Outbursts of anger, approximately three times a month for 20 years” would cover, literally, a multitude of sins.

The advice is correct not to go into detail. Detail is really needed only when it changes the nature of the sin. For example, there is a difference between “I told a lie” and “I told a lie while under oath”. The latter would be an important detail. “I told a lie to my wife” as opposed to “I told a lie to my boss” is an irrelevant detail. Both would be adequately covered by saying “I lied twice”

One is thorough when one makes a careful listing of sins, as best one can. Explaining in depth the circumstances of each instance, though, would be what they are saying to avoid. Does this help?

God bless you! It is an incredible journey.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

How specific must a person be who has been 30 years without confession;

Eg: broad 10 Commandments confession for 10mins,

Or mention every last detail for a 40mins confession,

How specific is too specific,

How vague is too vague?

This does not admit of a “one size fits all” answer. As a confessor, I need to know what I am absolving from, so one has to be specific enough that I can know the sin(s) you are bringing to confession, when one is speaking of a sin that is mortal/serious.

“I lied” is different from “I lied under oath” – saying “I lied” does not carry with it the information that the penitent actually committed the sin of perjury.

If a penitent is so vague that the confessor cannot have in mind what the action was that was a sin (“I broke the sixth commandment”) the penitent has been too vague; the sin of adultery is different from the sin of fornication, for example, just as consent to impure thoughts is different from a physical act.

As a rather (one dares hope!) absurd example to demonstrate a point: “I broke the fourth commandment” is too vague to tell me what the actual act the penitent wishes to confess was, on the one hand. On the other hand, saying: “My mother and I started an argument while preparing the holiday dinner and we began yelling at each other, which caused me to remember our conflicts when I was a teenager and this prompted me to scream a word I should not have and then she slapped my hand and I reacted by pushing her” is all informative of a tragic situation but much more than I need relative to confession. “I lost my temper with my mother and pushed her” says what I need to know. The penitent has confessed anger. The object of the penitent’s anger was his/her mother and thus touches on the fourth commandment. It became physical and not just an exchange of words.

Does this help?

 

[MaryHelp777]

This does not admit of a “one size fits all” answer. As a confessor, I need to know what I am absolving from, so one has to be specific enough that I can know the sin(s) you are bringing to confession, when one is speaking of a sin that is mortal/serious.

“I lied” is different from “I lied under oath” – saying “I lied” does not carry with it the information that the penitent actually committed the sin of perjury.

If a penitent is so vague that the confessor cannot have in mind what the action was that was a sin (“I broke the sixth commandment”) the penitent has been too vague; the sin of adultery is different from the sin of fornication, for example, just as consent to impure thoughts is different from a physical act.

As a rather (one dares hope!) absurd example to demonstrate a point: “I broke the fourth commandment” is too vague to tell me what the actual act the penitent wishes to confess was, on the one hand. On the other hand, saying: “My mother and I started an argument while preparing the holiday dinner and we began yelling at each other, which caused me to remember our conflicts when I was a teenager and this prompted me to scream a word I should not have and then she slapped my hand and I reacted by pushing her” is all informative of a tragic situation but much more than I need relative to confession. “I lost my temper with my mother and pushed her” says what I need to know. The penitent has confessed anger. The object of the penitent’s anger was his/her mother and thus touches on the fourth commandment. It became physical and not just an exchange of words.

Does this help?

How does someone remember everything, And all necessary details? For each sin?

the nature of the sin, number of occasions (if known), and gravity of the sin must be mentioned,

 

[Don_Ruggero]

How does someone remember everything, And all necessary details? For each sin?

the nature of the sin, number of occasions (if known), and gravity of the sin must be mentioned,

In part, it depends on how frequently one is going to confession. If one is confessing regularly, as we’re encouraged, the extent one is having to search one’s memory would not be so extensive, as is the case if one is confessing for a span of years, as the original poster’s circumstance of first confession with RCIA envisions.

If one is asking how one practically remembers what they wish to confess…well, I will admit, having been a confessor for decades and myself having gone to confession long before I was a priest, that I always have a list in the palm of my hand of what I want to say. All I have to do is go in and tick off the list and not arrive to “Erm…what was that last point I wanted to say?” But that’s me.

If, on the other hand, you are asking how to remember what needs confessing…that is why a preparation aid, such as an examination of conscience, and the basics, such as reading and knowing the Catechism of the Catholic Church or other good and solid texts on the spiritual life, are great resources.

It really is serious sins, also called mortal sins, that must be confessed, and then with the addition of number, at least approximate. Venial/lesser sins, if mentioned at all, can be mentioned in passing and without details. “I told white lies since my last confession.”

Personally, I generally find that one can have the intimation that one should be more specific when specificity is called for. To use a favorite example from when I taught moral theology, most women would know that there is a distinction between “I committed murder” and “I committed uxorcide” (I killed my husband). I won’t comment that there are those who would see it as more serious and there are those who would see it as less serious or even excusing of culpability. (There are all sorts of interesting canonical implications of uxorcide that made it a particular favorite to turn to with inquisitive first year moral theology students being introduced to the interaction of moral theology and canon law).

It is like the classic in the old catechisms of “I robbed” and “I stole the proceeds of the parish poor box”. The latter adds the sin of sacrilege to the sin of theft – and I think most people would intuit that robbing the poor box that is inside the church merits the extra seconds to make a special mention of it in confession.

The question is: does the detail really affect the nature of the sin such that it compounds the sin and/or makes it more grave or conversely mitigates or excuses the presumptive guilt of sin? Obviously, a married woman should not confess an instance of adultery, if what occurred is that she was knocked unconscious and became the victim of rape.

Or, returning one last time to my earlier “I lied under oath”…the addition of “because my wife was being held hostage under threat of death until I gave this testimony, which would vindicate an accused criminal” completely changes the culpability imputed for the perjury.

I fear pursuing any of this further takes us too far from the original poster’s query, although the explanation of when to qualify the sins one is confessing may be useful for a first confession.

 

[SMH_2015]

The “examination of conscience” sites caused my anxiety to sky-rocket! I have committed so many sins that I had no idea were sins…seriously, confessing 50+ years of sinfulness will take ME at least several hours to write down.

 

[JRS_88]

How specific must a person be who has been 30 years without confession;

Eg: broad 10 Commandments confession for 10mins,

Or mention every last detail for a 40mins confession,

How specific is too specific,

How vague is too vague?

My priest helped guide me through it, though I spent a great deal of time thinking and examining my conscience before I called to make an appointment.
When you have 30yrs behind you, it’s obvious through careful examination, what the “big” issues, “big” problems have been, you see the patterns. I was specific about the most serious sins, but there was at least one instance where Father told me to move on, that he understood.

My first confession coming back, was done by appointment (which was suggested to me from people here on the forums). Time wasn’t an issue.
It lasted about an hour but, there was some spiritual direction/teaching going on as well.

“How specific is too specific, How vague is too vague?”

I just let the priest guide me - don’t know what else to say.
If he needed more info, I gave it, if I said more than needed, he said move on.
Doing it by appointment, without the anxiety of taking too much time, was very important for me I think.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

The “examination of conscience” sites caused my anxiety to sky-rocket! I have committed so many sins that I had no idea were sins…seriously, confessing 50+ years of sinfulness will take ME at least several hours to write down.

Please don’t be overwhelmed.

I know it can be anxiety provoking when you are looking toward it but the actual experience and the aftermath should be entirely positive.

Remember: It will be your first experience of Confession but, unless the priest is newly ordained, he will have experience and even considerable experience of hearing confessions and even decades long confessions on his side.

Not every examination of conscience that can be found is good for every person in every situation. Look for and find one that seems suited to you.

It is one thing to spend hours doing something because you are taking stock of where you have been, where you are – and where the Lord is leading you. As part of a process of repentance and conversion, thoughtfully marking down sins you acknowledge, bring to the Lord, and repent of. It is another thing entirely if one is racking oneself and sifting the brain to perform some sort of extraction. As Pope Francis so beautifully says, the confessional is not supposed to be a torture chamber. I will leave you with his words…at the link at the bottom of my post.

It’s actually really is a very very special moment of grace and of encounter with the Lord. Be at peace.

catholicherald.co.uk/news/2015/03/13/confession-should-not-be-a-form-of-torture-says-pope-francis/

 

[Charliesj]

Thanks for all the replies, makes me feel a little better about this. I don’t think I can go the appointment route becaus I want absolute anonymity for the first one or the priest may stop speaking to me lol. I know everyone says “there’s no new sin he hasn’t heard” but he hasn’t heard it from me and I don’t think I could look someone in the eye and say what I need to say, then again I tend to overthink things and make them worse in my head than they really are.
One more question, if not I genuinely forget a mortal sin, or don’t realize that something was a mortal sin, is that also absolved? Like say I done something and didn’t think much of it during my examination of conscience and don’t mention it but it was in fact a mortal sin

 

[brad90956]

One more question, if not I genuinely forget a mortal sin, or don’t realize that something was a mortal sin, is that also absolved?

Yes, but you need to mention it the next time you go to confession. This happened to me a few weeks ago. For some reason when I was examining my conscious, I remembered a mortal sin from about 5 years ago. I went to confession and at the very end I told my priest I remembered a mortal sin from a long time ago. I then stated the sin and said, “for these and for all my sins I am sorry”.

 

[Charliesj]

Yes, but you need to mention it the next time you go to confession. This happened to me a few weeks ago. For some reason when I was examining my conscious, I remembered a mortal sin from about 5 years ago. I went to confession and at the very end I told my priest I remembered a mortal sin from a long time ago. I then stated the sin and said, “for these and for all my sins I am sorry”.

I didn’t mean if I remember it later. I meant what if I remember an event and don’t think of it as a mortal sin but in fact it was and I never confess it because I didn’t think I had too. To cover my bases should I confess all venial sins too? Or for 30 years of mortal + venial is need a full day confession reservation?

 

[peter26]

I would think 1 hour at most. But if you are worried, my advice is to have a talk with the priest maybe a week or two before hand and talk about your concerns. Ask him if he can recommend a good examination of conscience. Use it, and go to the confessional prepared. Confess in general terms, not specific incidents. Most examinations use the 10 commandments then split each into more specific sins. For instance, for the First Commandment, you might have “From age x to y, I doubted the existence of God. For x years, I did not go to church regularly. For y long, I neglected to say prayers regularly”. Its really not as bad as it sounds, I was in the same position as you a month ago, and trust me it will be a positive experience when you get down to it.

 

[zz912]

I didn’t mean if I remember it later. I meant what if I remember an event and don’t think of it as a mortal sin but in fact it was and I never confess it because I didn’t think I had too. To cover my bases should I confess all venial sins too? Or for 30 years of mortal + venial is need a full day confession reservation?

I don’t know how your parish does it, but for my RCIA class, we had a special reconciliation service on a Wednesday night. They do this because the confessions are longer than usual, and people can be nervous and flustered.

The pastor spoke about the importance of confession, the beauty of it, and why we need it. He also said not to be scared, but come to Confession knowing God’s forgiveness awaits. He also assured us that he had heard every sin imaginable, and doesn’t remember individual confessions. (they all just blend together, he doesn’t bother with trying to remember them, because the sins are forgiven and in God’s hands, not his). After that, he led us in penitential prayers and a few hymns to prepare us for the sacrament.

For my first confession, I took an examination of conscience, and would just go down each one, stating “I lied many many times over many decades Father, too many for me to remember them all. Many were serious.” And then I would repeat this for each sin, letting Father know that my sins were a multitude and many were mortal. And then finished it all up with “for these and all my sins, even those I may have forgotten, I am sorry”.

The first one is the longest, but you will be okay. The real key is to KEEP GOING regularly to Confession. The more you go, the easier it gets, and you’ll find you have more and more strength to avoid sin with each confession.

And for your other question, if you forget a mortal sin, do not fret. It has already been forgiven, but you do need to mention it at your next regular confession. At the end, just tell the priest the sin and state that it was forgotten in a prior confession. If you are mistaken in thinking a mortal sin was venial and don’t confess it, do not worry, it is forgiven too. Sins are only unforgiven if you intentionally try to hide them or not confess them. Accidents do not invalidate forgiveness. (But yes it is good practice to confess venial sins too, because the more you do it, the better you become at avoiding them as well).

 

[Elizium23]

I didn’t mean if I remember it later. I meant what if I remember an event and don’t think of it as a mortal sin but in fact it was and I never confess it because I didn’t think I had too. To cover my bases should I confess all venial sins too? Or for 30 years of mortal + venial is need a full day confession reservation?

You only need to confess sins which you are certain are mortal. If you are doubtful and you think you need to ask, ask your confessor and he can determine with your help whether it was a mortal sin or not. But if it is not nagging at your conscience at the time of Confession, then simply be at peace. You can’t accidentally or unwillingly sin. God is not waiting to trip you at your Judgement by saying “surprise! Remember that sin, ? It was actually mortal! Bye!”

A well-formed conscience is always your final authority for your personal state of grace. You will learn to trust it, more and more, especially with the regular reception of the Sacraments. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Charliesj]

Thanks for all the reassurance. I’ve loved the idea of confession ever since I read Scott Hahn’s book about it, but have never experienced it firsthand. I can’t wait but nervous at the same time, like a kid looking at a roller coaster. I’ve still got a long wait until lent if that’s when this happens