First-time mommy dealing with in-laws

  • Thread starter Thread starter avb23
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

avb23

Guest
Hello! I’m not sure if this is the correct forum to post this, so please forgive me if it is not.

I’ve been lurking on these boards (and secular boards as well) looking for advice regarding in-laws as my husband and I anxiously await the birth of our first child this summer. Long story short, my in-laws – especially my mother-in-law – and I never really established or have had any relationship in the three years I have known them. They never liked me, never tried to treat my family or me kindly, and I hate to say it, are not nice people. My husband swam the Tiber in 2010 and prior to his reception into the Church, things were better than they are now, but once he told them he was converting they were openly against it and in a way it felt they were against me. They think I’m too conservative, too Catholic, too traditional, etc.

So there was a particular incident that happened that really has me unsure of where to go from here. On Palm Sunday, my husband received a phone call from his father informing him that his mom is throwing herself a “Grandma Shower” later this spring and we are expected to attend. For those of you who do not know what this is (because I didn’t) it’s where grandma’s friends throw HER a party and give HER items to be kept at her home for OUR baby. The idea of this really set me off, considering I have declined to have a shower for myself and I’m not sure how much she thinks our baby will be at her house. Anyway, call it pregnancy hormones or just three years of built up anger and resentment, I sent an email to my in-laws that conveyed my thoughts on the idea in a very uncharitable way. This set my MIL off, claiming that I’m ruining everything for her and she doesn’t expect that I will ever let her see her grandchildren, etc. I’ve received multiple nasty emails as has my husband.

While the shower is trivial and I should have just let her do what she wanted, this was the first time that I have communicated to them instead of my husband about our concerns since we’ve been together. I’ve been a doormat for three years, allowing them to behave in a manner towards me that if it were anyone else, I would choose to just never be around those people. But it’s my husband’s parents! What to do?!

I have some serious concerns about how to deal with them now that we are bringing another life into this world. I could handle the poor treatment, but how will my children? I’ve learned that I do not have to like everyone, but does anyone have advice how to charitably deal with difficult family members? What are my obligations as a daughter-in-law to them and as a mother to my unborn child when it comes to his or her grandparents? I don’t want my children exposed to such terrible behavior, but how can I just ask my husband to completely cut his family out of our lives?

My husband is a wonderful and virtuous man who is 100% on my side, but I feel like I always end up putting him in the middle. He wants me to just let it go but I really struggle being the woman God wants me to be when I’m around them. Please, any advice is appreciated!
 
I have never met a single grandmother who had a grandma shower thrown for her or by her. This is a way to be very self centered.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. They are cleary more than welcome to live life as they choose. I would say, AT LEAST they invited you. I have in-law issues. So I understand you probably feel as though they invited your stomach. If you could stay home and the stomach could attend that would be ideal.

I am keenly aware what it is like to be the unwanted person in the room. My in laws have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome in their family. They do love the grandchildren, and I am clearly the necessary evil they must endure. They behave better now. They realize they lose if they are rude. The end.

Good luck!
 
A grandma shower? What planet is she residing on? LOL

Ok, seriously. You & your dh need to make things clear well before your little bundle of joy arrives. Otherwise, you will find yourself at the hospital, having just given birth, under total control of crazy grandma. I’ve seen it happen to friends - it is annoying to those looking at it from the outside, and completely and utterly frustrating/exhausting to those it is actually happening to.

If she wants things at her house for when the little one is there (with and/or without you) that is fine. But she should be buying it herself. The only thing I (and this is only my humble opinion) think that parents should buy for the grandparents is an extra carseat base for the infant carseat, IF the grandparents will be watching the baby on a regular basis when/if mom returns to work after maternity leave. It just makes life easier for all involved.
 
Dear OP,

Let me tell you the advise I received from a priest in confession. He said : " Your first and principal duty as a wife is to protect your famiy" This does not mean that you will try to distance your husband from his family but you will do everything you can to protect your own family

Setting up boundaries with the in laws while maintainng respect is protecting your family. Don´t feel guilty with what you are doing.

Mom in law is a little bit selfish. I haven´t heard of a Grandma shower. She is making it all about herself. You haven´t done anything wrong by declining the invitation, after all its still a free country. With that choice you made, you are setting the limits and that is good !!!
 
avb23 said:
I have some serious concerns about how to deal with them now that we are bringing another life into this world. I could handle the poor treatment, but how will my children? I’ve learned that I do not have to like everyone, but does anyone have advice how to charitably deal with difficult family members? What are my obligations as a daughter-in-law to them and as a mother to my unborn child when it comes to his or her grandparents? I don’t want my children exposed to such terrible behavior, but how can I just ask my husband to completely cut his family out of our lives?

My husband is a wonderful and virtuous man who is 100% on my side, but I feel like I always end up putting him in the middle. He wants me to just let it go but I really struggle being the woman God wants me to be when I’m around them. Please, any advice is appreciated!
Click to expand...
I was in a similar situation days before I gave birth to my daughter. Its not a great situation to deal with anytime, let alone right before you’re having a baby.

Best advice I could give you, you and your husband MUST get on the same page about how to handle them. I say “united front” many time on CAF, you both have to address them together and stay firm no matter how much they might try to divide you two. You have to discuss exactly what you will do when visiting them and if they exhibit rude behavior towards either of you and especially your children. My husband and I have a “secret” signal we give each other if its a situation with his family that we need to remove ourselves from.

Your obligation towards your inlaws is to be charitable and treat them with respect and vice versa. Your number one obligation though is to your husband and your children, if any of you are targets for their rude behavior, you have every right to end the visit or the conversation immediately and table it until they are being more reasonable. You are the mother to your children, its your job to do what you think is in their best interests and if the grandmother’s actions or words are not in their best interest, its your job to protect them as you and your husband see fit. Even if that means withdrawing yourself from the grandparents company for a bit.

You two can not just “let it go” as your husband would like to do. This will come up again and again until you meet it head on, and especially together. I would also advise you NOT to write anymore letters or emails. Those can be used against you in the future. Don’t put anything down on paper or type into cyber space no matter how tempting it might be. If you must type or write something, just write for yourself and then delete it or burn it.

A “grandma shower”, yikes. That’s a new one for me.
 
I had sort of a much less severe situation with my own MIL (she received ‘grandma gifts’ of handmade quilts and such for when she would care for the baby- which we had already made clear would be only in case of a real emergency, she threw a baby shower ‘for me’ but invited a ton of people that she knew very well and I barely knew… it was a nice gesture anyway but it definitely felt like it was for her to show off her new grandson and not really for me… she actually planned the shower for 6 days after I was due, which was also Holy Saturday, without consulting me about if that was okay or not. When we found out the date we had to approach her and have her change it. I ended up not even giving birth until Good Friday and DS spent a week in the NICU… but anyway… none of it was malicious, just not well thought out.)

Here is how you deal with it. You smile and disconnect from her emotionally when you have to deal with her. You give her short answers with no feeling in them. You do exactly what YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND think is best for your family.

“No, MIL, I am sorry we can’t make it to the shower”
“No, MIL, I am sorry but we don’t need you to watch the baby.”
“No, MIL, that is not a good time to stop by.” Also, keep your doors locked and don’t answer them if it’s not a good time.
“No, MIL, I am sorry but we won’t be able to come over then.”

repeat repeat repeat.

Make sure you and your DH are on the same page. Keep your own actions above reproach and charitable. If there are any conflicts about it, your DH can handle discussions with them. Refuse to engage. Just smile and be charitable while refusing to give in to any boundary crossing or nonsense that will turn you into a doormat. Protect yourself and your family from their meddling and demands.
 
I’m a man, so take whatever else i have with a grain of salt. I realize that the MIL/DIL relationship can be a minefield.

I agree with your statement that the grandmother shower is trivial. it is her deal - her friends. I wouldn’t worry about it one way or the other. It’s not worth making it your last stand.

What concerns me is that you have let yourself be the doormat for three years. This is the time for you to stand up for yourself. You don’t want to model this behavior to your child. (You haven’t specified what kinds of things they do or say to you, so I am using my imagination).

When they are disrespectful to you, you need to say this (over and over and over again, if necessary). (Tell your husband now that this is what you will do, so that he understands that you are serious and that he is prepared to be with you. You don’t want to be discussing it with your ILs around)

“I will not allow you to talk to me nor treat me in this manner. My husband, my child and i will be leaving now. In the future, any time you talk to me like this, I will do the same. It is your choice. Good bye.”

And leave. Even if Thanksgiving dinner is on the table. Leave Even if you live three hours away.

They will get the message that you are serious. You will not be disrespecting them. You will be training them how you expect to be treated - and your child will learn from you that you can gracefully handle it when you are treated badly.

Will it make them like you? Probably not. But it doesn’t sound like they like you anyway. They don’t have to like you, but you will insist that they respect you.
 
PatriceA said:
Best advice I could give you, you and your husband MUST get on the same page about how to handle them. I say “united front” many time on CAF, you both have to address them together and stay firm no matter how much they might try to divide you two. You have to discuss exactly what you will do when visiting them and if they exhibit rude behavior towards either of you and especially your children. My husband and I have a “secret” signal we give each other if its a situation with his family that we need to remove ourselves from.
Click to expand...
This.
 
Ditto to the united front. My mother has a lot of experience with awful in-laws, and her mother-in-law didn’t act civil towards her until my father got on the same page as my mother, and laid down the law to his mother. You’re having a baby which means you hold all the cards. If they want to see their grandchild, then your in-laws need to behave. That means not being rude to your face or behind your back. If they can’t abide by those rules, then they don’t get to see their grand baby. Trust me, if you don’t do this now, your son or daughter will get to hear all about what a B***** you are or whatever else your in-laws say to your child when visiting Grandma and Grandpa in six or seven years.

A grandma shower is just about one of the tackiest things I have EVER heard of.
 
Code:
shainski said:
I’m a man, so take whatever else i have with a grain of salt. I realize that the MIL/DIL relationship can be a minefield.

I agree with your statement that the grandmother shower is trivial. it is her deal - her friends. I wouldn’t worry about it one way or the other. It’s not worth making it your last stand.

What concerns me is that you have let yourself be the doormat for three years. This is the time for you to stand up for yourself. You don’t want to model this behavior to your child. (You haven’t specified what kinds of things they do or say to you, so I am using my imagination).

When they are disrespectful to you, you need to say this (over and over and over again, if necessary). (Tell your husband now that this is what you will do, so that he understands that you are serious and that he is prepared to be with you. You don’t want to be discussing it with your ILs around)

“I will not allow you to talk to me nor treat me in this manner. My husband, my child and i will be leaving now. In the future, any time you talk to me like this, I will do the same. It is your choice. Good bye.”

And leave. Even if Thanksgiving dinner is on the table. Leave Even if you live three hours away.

They will get the message that you are serious. You will not be disrespecting them. You will be training them how you expect to be treated - and your child will learn from you that you can gracefully handle it when you are treated badly.

Will it make them like you? Probably not. But it doesn’t sound like they like you anyway. They don’t have to like you, but you will insist that they respect you.
Click to expand...
This is perfect. Print it out and follow it. I have heard of grandma showers. My daughter told me about them, she had been reading a lot of pregnancy/baby forums, she had her first baby ( our first grandchild ) last month. The grandma shower idea is ridiculous and an attempt to shift attention from the mom, but trivial as you observed. I can’t understand anyone needing more baby stuff than they are likely to acquire through casual gifting!
 
Yes, a “Grandma Shower” is tacky and lame. But you were out of line to get all ballistic about it. Your MIL is probably just really excited about her new grandchild. She wants her friends to celebrate with her. It’s a momentous occasion in her life, even as it is in yours. And so what if she wants to keep a high chair or crib at her place? Even if you never use them or the baby doesn’t visit much, it could be nice to have a backup and it really doesn’t harm anything. So while the advice might not be popular, I think you need to apologize for your uncharitable e-mails.

You do not need to let your inlaws treat you poorly, and you and your husband should be on the same page regarding what is tolerable and which battles to fight. But the same goes the other way. You have to treat them with respect, too, and that include recognizing their right to be as tacky and petty regarding their celebration of the birth as they’d like.
 
Baby showers are great!

They are thrown for an unsuspecting, usually first time mom by her loving friends and family.
A first pregnancy is a very special time when moms should receive honor and support.

A grandma shower sounds like a competition for the attention and support that should be given to you by your family, including in-laws. Your MIL is acting in a very selfish and competitive way. I would not attend her shower or indulge her in this self centered behavior.

As Christians we must forgive, but we don’t have to pretend that selfish, rude behavior is acceptable. I don’t know what you emailed her but it would have probably been best if your husband strongly protested to the grandma shower and sighted the reason as stealing the attention and support that is due a new mom and only the new mom.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I have a very self centered MIL, and two horrible SILs and my own mother is a little nutty too so I know how tough this can get. The inlaws will probably never like you. I am 30 plus years into the marriage and it never ends.
If I could do anything differently, this is what I would do. I would have had more children. Having lots of children leaves very little time for the whims and nonsense of relatives. The selfish relatives loose interest in spending time with your large family because they might have to pitch in. When you and your husband are centered upon raising a big family you won’t have time for anyone elses crazyness.
 
Thank you for all the advice. I feel somewhat justified in my concerns and am glad to hear that I’m not the only one who thinks the Grandma shower is a ridiculous and tacky idea!

As many of you suggested, my husband and I have already discussed the boundaries that will be set and we plan to speak with them well before the baby arrives. He wants to wait until things die down a bit though. In reality, the time we spend with them has already been cut back due to their behavior. We live in the same metropolitan area and see them maybe 8 times a year for no longer than a few hours at a time. I’m a little paranoid that they will try to change that once the baby arrives.

shainski: I appreciate a male perspective. I won’t go into detail about the things that have been said/done, but I’m sure your imagination can give you a good idea. There is also prescription drug and alcohol abuse, and those things don’t mix well with crazy. Anyway, this was the first time I’ve stood up for myself over the past three years after I realized that they nor care or take into consideration when my husband has addressed certain instances (which he has many times). During our marriage preparation, our priest told me that I should never address issues with the in-laws – that it was my husband’s job to do that – but I know this is no longer the case. My husband has also encouraged me to stand up for myself in the past, so I think I’ll start doing more of this. It felt pretty good!
 
Dear avb23,
May God help you, dear child! Oh, the challenges of DFM’s (difficult family members.) Methinks we need Dr. Phil on this impending reality show- worthy situation.:slapfight:

God bless you for being somewhat silent and patient for three long years. Now of course the Teapot:angel1: has become the Tempest :crying:and we must make amends.
I am sorry you sent that email, as we never want to put anything in writing that will come back to haunt us. Yet I sense that these people have been anything but kind to you for quite some time.

Hmm, a Grandma Shower? She IS inventive. I have never thought of that in my nearly nine years of being a grandmother. I give her kudos for inventiveness. Also selfishness points for having anything meant for the child to be left at her home!

Now, let’s see. Can we agree on whether or not the lady is simply a bit difficult or downright vicious? If the latter, please have a long talk with the hubby as how to survive the next twenty or so years of your life and your child’s, your husband’s and the extended family in general.

If the former, if she is merely strange/difficult/challenged in some way, (let’s be kind, she may simply be quite unbalanced and needs special care) can you do the one thing all grandmother’s crave?** Here is a secret: **We love to be asked for our advice. And we love our grandchildren fiercely. If it is humanly possible for you to create a relationship around her love of her coming grandchild, and your need for peace, then please do it.:crossrc:

Is this possible for you? Can you meet with your husband’s parents and say you regret sending the email? Can you start a new era? Will the grandmother allow this or will she continue to be vitriolic?

You asked about the future. I have seen examples of mother/daughters, or mothers- in law/daughters where the children were such a focus of love on both sides that there was a great healing in the family interactions overall.

If you can imagine, when your child is old enough to know the truth and asks about grandma’s sometimes -strange behavior, you might imagine saying that she “is growing older and needs all our love more than ever.”:highprayer:

Obviously your own “nuclear” family must set guidelines. I pray that the miracle of love, (a saving sense of humor if at all possible) and some heart -to -heart conversations may start a new era for you. Please know that anything is possible with love. God will protect you from any truly vicious attacks. You’re wise enough to already see the possibilities looming ahead of you.* But love covers a multitude of sins.* Try that first. Talk to your husband and see if you can communicate to his parents that you want them to be a part of your child’s life, that you want to start over.

If they refuse such a loving gift from you, then that is their choice, but much is possible when we just give love (even tough love, with rules and limits) a fighting chance. Remember Christ’s words “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” It would be Heaven:heaven: on earth if we all identified ourselves as the latter, so that Christ’s mercy would flow within all of us, and we could greet the morning with new hope. A new child is coming! A miracle! You are very good to feel the need to heal the breach, and all things are possible with God.:heaven:

Best wishes and all prayers for everyone.:harp:
Kathryn Ann
 
Baby showers are great!

They are thrown for an unsuspecting, usually first time mom by her loving friends and family.
A first pregnancy is a very special time when moms should receive honor and support.

A grandma shower sounds like a competition for the attention and support that should be given to you by your family, including in-laws. Your MIL is acting in a very selfish and competitive way. I would not attend her shower or indulge her in this self centered behavior.

As Christians we must forgive, but we don’t have to pretend that selfish, rude behavior is acceptable. I don’t know what you emailed her but it would have probably been best if your husband strongly protested to the grandma shower and sighted the reason as stealing the attention and support that is due a new mom and only the new mom.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I have a very self centered MIL, and two horrible SILs and my own mother is a little nutty too so I know how tough this can get. The inlaws will probably never like you. I am 30 plus years into the marriage and it never ends.
If I could do anything differently, this is what I would do. I would have had more children. Having lots of children leaves very little time for the whims and nonsense of relatives. The selfish relatives loose interest in spending time with your large family because they might have to pitch in. When you and your husband are centered upon raising a big family you won’t have time for anyone elses crazyness.
 
nodito said:
Yes, a “Grandma Shower” is tacky and lame. But you were out of line to get all ballistic about it. Your MIL is probably just really excited about her new grandchild. She wants her friends to celebrate with her. It’s a momentous occasion in her life, even as it is in yours. And so what if she wants to keep a high chair or crib at her place? Even if you never use them or the baby doesn’t visit much, it could be nice to have a backup and it really doesn’t harm anything. So while the advice might not be popular, I think you need to apologize for your uncharitable e-mails.
Click to expand...
I realize I was out of line and I did apologize for the uncharitable email.
 
A grandma shower. Wow.

I wanted to comment on this part…

The idea of this really set me off, considering I have declined to have a shower for myself and I’m not sure how much she thinks our baby will be at her house. Anyway, call it pregnancy hormones or just three years of built up anger and resentment, I sent an email to my in-laws that conveyed my thoughts on the idea in a very uncharitable way. This set my MIL off, claiming that I’m ruining everything for her and she doesn’t expect that I will ever let her see her grandchildren, etc. I’ve received multiple nasty emails as has my husband.

You know, it probably felt good to get that off your chest. May I suggest for your own sanity and for your hubby, that you type out all you like and press ‘delete’ rather than ‘send’. 😛 Get it off your chest and save yourself the nasty emails fired back at the both of you. You know she’s got both barrels loaded and ready to fire. Think of it as a gift to yourself. You know there will be more coming to make you grind your teeth, so just decide to not feed the alligator.

You typed this while I was typing…
avb23 said:
I realize I was out of line and I did apologize for the uncharitable email.
Click to expand...
Good for you! I know that took effort on your part, but you gave her a good example. Light in her darkness.

Tell yourself that if you are uncharitable again to her, you will have to apologize. That will help keep you out of trouble. or not. lol It’s a training method I use on myself to help me.

CONGRATULATIONS on the upcoming baby! May God bless you and hubby with the wisdom to navigate your difficult relatives.
 
Baby showers are great!

They are thrown for an unsuspecting, usually first time mom by her loving friends and family.
A first pregnancy is a very special time when moms should receive honor and support.

A grandma shower sounds like a competition for the attention and support that should be given to you by your family, including in-laws. Your MIL is acting in a very selfish and competitive way. I would not attend her shower or indulge her in this self centered behavior.

As Christians we must forgive, but we don’t have to pretend that selfish, rude behavior is acceptable. I don’t know what you emailed her but it would have probably been best if your husband strongly protested to the grandma shower and sighted the reason as stealing the attention and support that is due a new mom and only the new mom.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I have a very self centered MIL, and two horrible SILs and my own mother is a little nutty too so I know how tough this can get. The inlaws will probably never like you. I am 30 plus years into the marriage and it never ends.
If I could do anything differently, this is what I would do. I would have had more children. Having lots of children leaves very little time for the whims and nonsense of relatives. The selfish relatives loose interest in spending time with your large family because they might have to pitch in. When you and your husband are centered upon raising a big family you won’t have time for anyone elses crazyness.
 
Ok, I am a grandma. I think it makes some difference who made the plan for a grandma shower. If her friends did this, it might be a sign of joy and support for her being a grandmother. Since our kids lived away from us, frankly, it would have been nice to receive some “stuff” for our first and later grandchildren. It is amazing what a baby needs (!) and would mean that the parents did not have to truck so much to their house when visiting. Also could see lots of gifts centered around baby pictures etc. “Brag Books” etc. This can be an exciting change for the older generation too.

That being said, I have a bit of a problem with the insistence on your attendance, especially if it is quite a drive and you probably 7-8 months pregnant.

I have most concern for the attitude you perceive that they have toward you. You absolutely do not need this at this time. There are some studies that show that the more love and care a woman receives during her pregnancy, the better able she is to bond with her child later. It sounds like your husband is there for you. If your parents in law are not,it is good that he is “on your side”. At some point, you and your husband need to sit down with them and point out chapter and verse specifics of their behavior and its unacceptability. This does not have to be harsh, simply setting a boundary
around your marriage and family that others may not breech. Outside of that you can try to be loving and welcoming, but they need to know there are limits.

I had to set a firm limit with my mother in law once because she smacked one of my kids. She did not do it again!
 
Yes, I will validate your suspicions…a grandma shower is tacky.
Just keep a distance from her and her competitive nature. Baby needs you 100%…not a nervous, fretting, bitter version of you (which certain MIL’s have a gift for drawing out in their DIL’s). Be polite and let her see the baby, but live your life as you please. Oh, and don’t let her pull you into a trap that just because she has a home now brimming with grandma shower baby gifts that they must be put to use when you hand the baby over to her care at her whim. Not gonna happen 🙂
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top