First-time mommy dealing with in-laws

[trials]

Time to pray.

I would emigrate to the other side of the world to get away from my in-laws if my husband would agree - but he won’t, and they live just ten minutes away. So many boundaries have been crossed, so many times I have been a doormat and dealt with a sense of total entitlement on their part. My blood simmers at the thought of the rubbish that has gone on. All I did was marry their son and try to live a quiet life.

However, after months and months of prayer, that adds up to a few years worth of prayer now, things have improved beyond what I could have hoped for. When I think to how strained it was and how it is now - the difference is unbelieveable. They are still the same. But I have changed for the better through prayer. Before I see them, I pray, if I’ve just seen them I thank God if it went ok, or pray that the next time will be better if it wasn’t ok. They do unreasonable things all the time but God has stepped in the equation now and I can handle it much better.

Of course there is the occasional time they do something totally off the wall and my human weakness will come through and I’ll be frothing at the mouth, but not to their faces. And if that happens I just pray more that God will show me the charitable path to follow. Do I like them or would I choose to hang out with them? No. But I am trying to show that I love them.

Prayer is the only thing that helped me. Honestly.

Would I still emigrate to get away from them though, if my husband agreed? In a heartbeat.

 

[Ophelia23]

I could honestly think that I wrote this whole question if I didn’t know any better. You describe perfectly my relationship with my mother-in-law. She is even upset that her son (my husband) converted, she thinks I am too conservative, has all sorts of open opinions about my parenting, refused to be called “grandma” when our daughter was born, etc. She can be so selfish at times… Even just this Easter weekend, she came over the day before Easter to give my daughter an Easter basket. She said to me, “I know that you probably wanted to be the one to give her her very first Easter basket, but… I wanted to be the first more than you did. I just couldn’t imagine someone ELSE having the right to give her this little joy except for me!”

grumble grumble grumble…

When I was in labor with my child, my mother in law came into the hospital room telling me that I needed to get up and look out the window to see her new car. It’s all about her.

grumble grumble…

Here is my advice for you.

Crazy is crazy. There isn’t anything you can do about crazy. That sounds harsh, but hear me out. She is your husband’s mom, and you wouldn’t have him were it not for her. For that, she deserves respect and love. But I would caution against having any expectations of her. I had to accept that my mother-in-law will never be a mother figure to me, even though that is what I want from her. I have accepted that she will continue to talk behind my back, but I have also accepted that my husband will advocate for me when needed. Most importantly, I have accepted that she is just plain crazy. Bottom line.

Be patient. Be kind. Be appropriate with your words. Be yourself. Be firm, set limits and boundaries, be open to breakthroughs but not expectant of them. It’s so hard, but it will be ok. :console:

 

[Rita77]

Dear avb23,
May God help you, dear child! Oh, the challenges of DFM’s (difficult family members.) Methinks we need Dr. Phil on this impending reality show- worthy situation.:slapfight:

God bless you for being somewhat silent and patient for three long years. Now of course the Teapot:angel1: has become the Tempest :crying:and we must make amends.
I am sorry you sent that email, as we never want to put anything in writing that will come back to haunt us. Yet I sense that these people have been anything but kind to you for quite some time.

Hmm, a Grandma Shower? She IS inventive. I have never thought of that in my nearly nine years of being a grandmother. I give her kudos for inventiveness. Also selfishness points for having anything meant for the child to be left at her home!

Now, let’s see. Can we agree on whether or not the lady is simply a bit difficult or downright vicious? If the latter, please have a long talk with the hubby as how to survive the next twenty or so years of your life and your child’s, your husband’s and the extended family in general.

If the former, if she is merely strange/difficult/challenged in some way, (let’s be kind, she may simply be quite unbalanced and needs special care) can you do the one thing all grandmother’s crave?** Here is a secret: **We love to be asked for our advice. And we love our grandchildren fiercely. If it is humanly possible for you to create a relationship around her love of her coming grandchild, and your need for peace, then please do it.

Is this possible for you? Can you meet with your husband’s parents and say you regret sending the email? Can you start a new era? Will the grandmother allow this or will she continue to be vitriolic?

You asked about the future. I have seen examples of mother/daughters, or mothers- in law/daughters where the children were such a focus of love on both sides that there was a great healing in the family interactions overall.

If you can imagine, when your child is old enough to know the truth and asks about grandma’s sometimes -strange behavior, you might imagine saying that she “is growing older and needs all our love more than ever.”

Obviously your own “nuclear” family must set guidelines. I pray that the miracle of love, (a saving sense of humor if at all possible) and some heart -to -heart conversations may start a new era for you. Please know that anything is possible with love. God will protect you from any truly vicious attacks. You’re wise enough to already see the possibilities looming ahead of you. But love covers a multitude of sins.** Try that first. Talk to your husband and see if you can communicate to his parents that you want them to be a part of your child’s life, that you want to start over.
If they refuse such a loving gift from you, then that is their choice, but much is possible when we just give love (even tough love, with rules and limits) a fighting chance. Remember Christ’s words “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” It would be Heaven:heaven: on earth if we all identified ourselves as the latter, so that Christ’s mercy would flow within all of us, and we could greet the morning with new hope. A new child is coming! A miracle! You are very good to feel the need to heal the breach, and all things are possible with God.:heaven:

Best wishes and all prayers for everyone.
Kathryn Ann

I was reading along agree with most and stoped at this one. this is a wise grandma advice. Kathryn Ann can I adopt you as a MIL .

show her love anyway. it may need to be love with boundaries but love none the less. set boundaries but don’t deny them of being grandparents. try to mend the relationship the rest of your life might be a really long time.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

I was reading along agree with most and stoped at this one. this is a wise grandma advice. Kathryn Ann can I adopt you as a MIL .

show her love anyway. it may need to be love with boundaries but love none the less. set boundaries but don’t deny them of being grandparents. try to mend the relationship the rest of your life might be a really long time.

Hi there Rita77, bless your heart! :heaven:Consider me an adopted/honorary online/virtual MIL if that helps.

I think all ladies with grandchildren should do their best to give out sage (and safe) advice! How I wish I had more advice when I was coming up. But you know, sometimes mistakes (and bad examples where-ever you find them) are very helpful. So I must be really blessed with good ideas after making so many mistakes myself. :crying:

My heart goes out to young women struggling to keep it together, whether they’re in stable relationships (for the time being), or single/divorced/widowed, with or without children.

I feel as if Our Lady’s heart breaks especially if little children live in stressful environments. They’re so defenseless.

You are right about mending things that we can, and I know that God honors the peacemakers. :grouphug:Sometimes that means an outstretched hand, and sadly, sometimes, it may mean drawing a line or gently closing a door. We must all try the first way, with all our hearts! If it’s impossible, God will still be there more than ever, His arms surrounding us. :hug1:

Many blessings:angel1:
:heaven:Kathryn Ann

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for all the advice. I feel somewhat justified in my concerns and am glad to hear that I’m not the only one who thinks the Grandma shower is a ridiculous and tacky idea!

As many of you suggested, my husband and I have already discussed the boundaries that will be set and we plan to speak with them well before the baby arrives. He wants to wait until things die down a bit though. In reality, the time we spend with them has already been cut back due to their behavior. We live in the same metropolitan area and see them maybe 8 times a year for no longer than a few hours at a time. I’m a little paranoid that they will try to change that once the baby arrives.

shainski: I appreciate a male perspective. I won’t go into detail about the things that have been said/done, but I’m sure your imagination can give you a good idea. There is also prescription drug and alcohol abuse, and those things don’t mix well with crazy. Anyway, this was the first time I’ve stood up for myself over the past three years after I realized that they nor care or take into consideration when my husband has addressed certain instances (which he has many times). During our marriage preparation, our priest told me that I should never address issues with the in-laws – that it was my husband’s job to do that – but I know this is no longer the case. My husband has also encouraged me to stand up for myself in the past, so I think I’ll start doing more of this. It felt pretty good!

It lets him off the hook. Sorry, but he should be the one, and the ONLY ONE, to stand up for you against his crazy family members. If he will not, he has failed to “leave and cleave,” and is still more concerned about their feelings and reactions than he is for you.

Why should what your priest told you ever expire? Why should it “no longer be the case” that your husband steps in to protect you? If he does not draw the line, the nastiness will never stop. He must do this on your behalf.

“Sorry, Mom, you crossed that line again. We’ll see you another time.”

“Gotta go, Dad, you know I won’t let you talk about my wife that way. Call me when you are ready to apologize.”

Etc.

Why can’t men be real men any more? This is your husband’s JOB - to protect you and his children from all attacks, even from his own childhood family (you are his family now).

 

[faithfully]

OP, I just feel for you.

My blood boils when I read these. All I can say is please do as I plan to do.

LEARN what it means to be a good mother in law. Learn how you WISH you were treated. And look forward to showing you can.

Have you ever watched the movie Monster in Law? I did, I laughed and cried through the whole thing… White dress at the wedding and all… Yeah, that’s the life I chose…

 

[PatriceA]

shainski: I appreciate a male perspective. I won’t go into detail about the things that have been said/done, but I’m sure your imagination can give you a good idea. There is also prescription drug and alcohol abuse, and those things don’t mix well with crazy. Anyway, this was the first time I’ve stood up for myself over the past three years after I realized that they nor care or take into consideration when my husband has addressed certain instances (which he has many times). During our marriage preparation, our priest told me that I should never address issues with the in-laws – that it was my husband’s job to do that – but I know this is no longer the case. My husband has also encouraged me to stand up for myself in the past, so I think I’ll start doing more of this. It felt pretty good!

Red flag! If there is truly alcohol and drug abuse, I don’t care what my MIL would ever say to make things ok, I would not live my child alone with my inlaws. She can have “grandma showers” until she’s blue in the face, but if there are drugs and alcohol in her life, it is not a safe environment for the children to be at their house unsupervised.

 

[MamaJewel]

Th

Thank you for all the advice. I feel somewhat justified in my concerns and am glad to hear that I’m not the only one who thinks the Grandma shower is a ridiculous and tacky idea!

As many of you suggested, my husband and I have already discussed the boundaries that will be set and we plan to speak with them well before the baby arrives. He wants to wait until things die down a bit though. In reality, the time we spend with them has already been cut back due to their behavior. We live in the same metropolitan area and see them maybe 8 times a year for no longer than a few hours at a time. I’m a little paranoid that they will try to change that once the baby arrives.

shainski: I appreciate a male perspective. I won’t go into detail about the things that have been said/done, but I’m sure your imagination can give you a good idea.** There is also prescription drug and alcohol abuse, and those things don’t mix well with crazy.** Anyway, this was the first time I’ve stood up for myself over the past three years after I realized that they nor care or take into consideration when my husband has addressed certain instances (which he has many times). During our marriage preparation, our priest told me that I should never address issues with the in-laws – that it was my husband’s job to do that – but I know this is no longer the case. My husband has also encouraged me to stand up for myself in the past, so I think I’ll start doing more of this. It felt pretty good!

Prescription drugs and alcohol abuse don’t mix with children, period. You have every moral obligation to keep your child(ren) out of this environment. I’ve experienced the death of a relative who was like a sibling and a best friend from childhood during the past two and a half years to this stuff. I loved both of these people dearly but would not expose my kids to this type of environment. Kids often get a hold of pills and paraphernalia that adults who are high unknowingly leave around too often. Tragedy strikes when this happens. It’s just not a safe environment.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sure grandma is excited about her new grandbaby, but her role also requires that she treats you and her son respectfully and provides a safe environment emotionally, physically and spiritually for her grandchild. If she won’t or can’t do that, then it is likely in the child’s best interest not to have a relationship with her at this time.

I’m keeping you in my prayers.

 

[Irishmom2]

It lets him off the hook. Sorry, but he should be the one, and the ONLY ONE, to stand up for you against his crazy family members. If he will not, he has failed to “leave and cleave,” and is still more concerned about their feelings and reactions than he is for you.

Why should what your priest told you ever expire? Why should it “no longer be the case” that your husband steps in to protect you? If he does not draw the line, the nastiness will never stop. He must do this on your behalf.

“Sorry, Mom, you crossed that line again. We’ll see you another time.”

“Gotta go, Dad, you know I won’t let you talk about my wife that way. Call me when you are ready to apologize.”

OP, TRJ has done it again! She has gotten the problem down to it’s simplest form! You should not have had to have kept quiet for 3 years until you finally blew a cork one day. You husband should have been standing up for you since the day you were married. Perhaps you could show him this thread?

 

[Allegra]

If my mother in law was filling her house with items to take care of my baby without the exception of a plan that she was going to be doing consistant baby sitting, I would be BEYOND freaked out! Does she have any reason to believe that you plan to leave your baby alone with her on a frequent basis? If not, then that is just creepy. It’s enough that I’d systematically avoid leaving my baby with her. That being said, you should try to find a polite way of telling her that she needn’t bother. (polite but very clear and very firm)

 

[agnes_therese]

If my mother in law was filling her house with items to take care of my baby without the exception of a plan that she was going to be doing consistant baby sitting, I would be BEYOND freaked out! Does she have any reason to believe that you plan to leave your baby alone with her on a frequent basis? If not, then that is just creepy. It’s enough that I’d systematically avoid leaving my baby with her. That being said, you should try to find a polite way of telling her that she needn’t bother. (polite but very clear and very firm)

Oh, she may get the idea when she has to start dusting the stuff because it’s never used.

 

[Allegra]

Oh, she may get the idea when she has to start dusting the stuff because it’s never used.

How long would that take though? Seriously, the only thing I’ve ever heard even close to that was when a coworker was given custody of her teenage stepson’s child. That case was completely different because the baby was going to be living in her house!

 

[monicabay]

Wow, I am a little more grateful for my MIL, she babysat once in 17 years. And until last Christmas hadn’t seen our kids (2 of the 3 grand kids she has) in more that 10 years. Never a birthday or Chrismas card.

After hearing the terrible stories, I think this is better!

Just to let you know, I do love her. She does care. She just can’t seem acknowledge them on special days.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[admonsta]

I have a MIL similar to yours. I have been married for ten years, and was with my husband for 6 years before that. It has taken this whole time for DH to actually start to tell his mother to back off. Even when he does, she makes it into his problem, not hers. For example, she was telling everyone how my DH has put on heaps of weight and it was so noticeable and how all her friends say so. DH was upset by this and told her he didn’t appreciate how she said it (for the record, he’s not overweight and is recovering from a serious accident. For the first time in his life he had a little pot belly, and didn’t like it). She recounted the story the other day, saying “You know how you were really sensitive when I told the others you’d put on weight?” No apology for upsetting him, even without meaning it. Long story short - she’s not going to change.

My own issues with her are many and varied. What I have learned is this:

1. If MIL does not do or say anything to seriously negatively impact the children, you have no right to block her access to them. That is, if the problem is only between you and her, not the kids, then you have a responsibility to make sure the kids have their grandparents in their lives. Also, you must not poison the well. Do not say bad things about her to the kids. Very very hard to do and I can’t say I’m not guilty of this sometimes. Kids do pick up on things by themselves, and will most likely realise that she’s (whatever she is), but they will work out their own relationship with her. Give them credit for that.
2. DH has to do the MIL-wrangling. Not you. You will never be able to say stuff to her without her getting offended etc. DH will, or at least she will forgive him faster. And he can be a bit more familiar when he talks to her. But, he has to man up and do it.
3. Pick your battles. You don’t need to win every time. Sometimes it’s better to take one for the sake of peace. Think seriously about what is important, and don’t back down on those things. Be humble about the rest. Make sure that DH and you are agreed on the important stuff and how you will handle any controversy, so when it happens you both know what to do, or what reaction is acceptable to both of you.
4. Don’t try to turn DH against his parents. It’s unfair and only creates tension. He probably realises they are screwy, but they are still his parents.
5. Offer every trial to God for the graces they need to get to Heaven. Forgive, forgive, forgive and pray for them constantly. (Once again, I’m not so great at this).

Heh heh, grandmother shower!! If I were you, I’d go because her friends might (and you’d know better than me) want to meet you and give you a gift as well. If she expected you to give her a gift, I would decline - that’s a bit (lot) ridiculous.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

It lets him off the hook. Sorry, but he should be the one, and the ONLY ONE, to stand up for you against his crazy family members. If he will not, he has failed to “leave and cleave,” and is still more concerned about their feelings and reactions than he is for you.

Why should what your priest told you ever expire? Why should it “no longer be the case” that your husband steps in to protect you? If he does not draw the line, the nastiness will never stop. He must do this on your behalf.

“Sorry, Mom, you crossed that line again. We’ll see you another time.”

“Gotta go, Dad, you know I won’t let you talk about my wife that way. Call me when you are ready to apologize.”

Etc.

Why can’t men be real men any more? This is your husband’s JOB - to protect you and his children from all attacks, even from his own childhood family (you are his family now).

I agree with this.
And, I think it is great you apologized about the email. Depending on whether she is the one who came up with the idea an enforced it, it could be tacky, but certainly not something to make a big deal about. Like you said, it is for her, from her friends. Unless it is very far away (and if you both live in the same metro area it might not be that far away), I don’t see why it is such a big deal. If you declined a baby shower that was your choice, but maybe that is precisely what sparked the idea to have an alternative party that doesn’t go against your wishes. I might be a little biased because I really love my mil and her friends threw a baby shower and I thought it was very nice of her/them even if I did not know hardly any one (I was pretty new in town, though, didn’t know many people anyways). I do remember feeling kind of funny when my MIL had a nursery set up in her house before we did in ours, lol, but I knew she was very excited about the baby and preparing in every way she could. She is an amazing grandma, maybe your mil will surprise you and be a great grandma as well!

 

[faithfully]

If she expected you to give her a gift, I would decline - that’s a bit (lot) ridiculous.

I’d walk in with a HUGE bow on my stomach! Who else is going to give her granchildren?

 

[maryjk]

My own issues with her are many and varied. What I have learned is this:

1. If MIL does not do or say anything to seriously negatively impact the children, you have no right to block her access to them. That is, if the problem is only between you and her, not the kids, then you have a responsibility to make sure the kids have their grandparents in their lives. Also, you must not poison the well. Do not say bad things about her to the kids. Very very hard to do and I can’t say I’m not guilty of this sometimes. Kids do pick up on things by themselves, and will most likely realise that she’s (whatever she is), but they will work out their own relationship with her. Give them credit for that.

I guess it depends on what you think qualifies as “seriously negatively” impacting. As my child’s parent I have every right to block access to my child.

I’d walk in with a HUGE bow on my stomach! Who else is going to give her grandchildren?

I love it.

 

[faithfully]

I guess it depends on what you think qualifies as “seriously negatively” impacting. As my child’s parent I have every right to block access to my child.

I’m in agreement her. While I agree it’s inappropriate to block grandparents just 'cause you feel like it. When people show you who they are, there is no reason to unreasonably expect they will be different outside of ear shot.

People that talk down to you, talk down about you. Doing so infront of a child is terribly distructive.

I get this entirely. For example. The inlaws blatantly talk against the Catholic Church. We’ve explained they are not permitted their “freedom of speech” with our children. Should they try to exercise this civil right, they lose the freedom to see their grandchildren. It’s an adult choice.

If that bad mouth mommy, trying to undermine authority, they will be corrected IN FRONTof the children. If they continue they lose privilages.

We had an INSANE arguement over something VERY important. I was warning my child about a very dangerous type of behavior. Something I can PROVE is dangerous by way of scientific studies, gov’t warners, etc. FIL right in the middle of explanation starts saying that’s not true, and there’s nothing wrong with that. At which point I had to say, no you’re wrong. He starts telling me infront of my 6 y/o that I need to prove to him why I’m right. Which I actually immediately did. HE still denies this. Finally I just look at my child and say, Your Grandfather is wrong about this. And turn to grandfather and say, You are welcome to form your own ideas about this, you do NOT get to decide what my child is instructed to do.



And the whole time I’m thinking. WOW, you just proved to me you are not trustworthy or capable of watching this child EVER by yourself.

Grandparents seperate themselves by choosing to behave in a certain situation.

 

[avb23]

It lets him off the hook. Sorry, but he should be the one, and the ONLY ONE, to stand up for you against his crazy family members. If he will not, he has failed to “leave and cleave,” and is still more concerned about their feelings and reactions than he is for you.

Why should what your priest told you ever expire? Why should it “no longer be the case” that your husband steps in to protect you? If he does not draw the line, the nastiness will never stop. He must do this on your behalf.

“Sorry, Mom, you crossed that line again. We’ll see you another time.”

“Gotta go, Dad, you know I won’t let you talk about my wife that way. Call me when you are ready to apologize.”

Etc.

Why can’t men be real men any more? This is your husband’s JOB - to protect you and his children from all attacks, even from his own childhood family (you are his family now).

I agree and this has been a consistent problem in our young marriage. Every single time one or both have said or done something offensive, he has addressed the issue, however I’ve never once received an apology for anything and then something else happens the next month. It seems they all tend to think that if they let time pass, it will heal every wound.

I’m not really sure how to move forward with my husband on this. And I’ve told him the same thing you mentioned – that it appears he cares more about his mother’s feelings than my own at times. While I know that he tries, his point never seems to get across to them.

 

[maryjk]

And the whole time I’m thinking. WOW, you just proved to me you are not trustworthy or capable of watching this child EVER by yourself.

Grandparents separate themselves by choosing to behave in a certain situation.

After my in-laws took a picture of my 3 year old riding on the lawn mower with my FIL, while he was cutting the grass, I came to the same conclusion.