We have no intention of ever leaving our child alone with them. Part of the reason I was initially so upset about the grandma shower was because it all felt very presumptuous of her to think she would need enough baby items at their home to care for child that she will never be watching child.
I think when people write that nobody has the right to block the grandparents having access to their grandchildren they’ve never seen a truly poisoning relationship with said grandparents. I don’t think people can really understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves. I love my inlaws, but my MIL has a personality disorder. When she’s spiraling in her behavior it is absolutely my job to remove my child from the situation. Grandparents don’t get a free pass for their behavior just because they are the grandparents. Especially when there is drug and alcohol abuse in the family as the OP had mentioned in her situation.I guess it depends on what you think qualifies as “seriously negatively” impacting. As my child’s parent I have every right to block access to my child.
I love it.
You can’t. If you expect him to do that you’ll find yourself a single Mother. These are his parents. Have you sat down with your husband and clearly explained all of your feelings and have him explain his? If not I would highly recomend it. My husband and I did this and together we were able to work out a solution.
What more can he do that he is not doing though? You acknowledge that he has consistently addressed any issues but they have not gotten the point. What would be the next logical thing to try?I agree and this has been a consistent problem in our young marriage. **Every single time one or both have said or done something offensive, he has addressed the issue, **however I’ve never once received an apology for anything and then something else happens the next month. It seems they all tend to think that if they let time pass, it will heal every wound.
I’m not really sure how to move forward with my husband on this. And I’ve told him the same thing you mentioned – that it appears he cares more about his mother’s feelings than my own at times. **While I know that he tries, his point never seems to get across to them. **
This is important…I had LOTS of in-law problems, some of which I brought on myself, but mostly because my in-laws are a little nutty!! They were awful for years. I just kept on trying and showing them love. They also don’t understand why their son “swam the Tiber” to be with me in my faith journey, so we could have a very blessed marriage and family life.
) in a very polite, charitable way. Have in mind what responses you will have in various situations. Being prepared will help a lot.Wonderful Christian advice…!
It lets him off the hook. Sorry, but he should be the one, and the ONLY ONE, to stand up for you against his crazy family members. If he will not, he has failed to “leave and cleave,” and is still more concerned about their feelings and reactions than he is for you.
Why should what your priest told you ever expire? Why should it “no longer be the case” that your husband steps in to protect you? If he does not draw the line, the nastiness will never stop. He must do this on your behalf.
“Sorry, Mom, you crossed that line again. We’ll see you another time.”
“Gotta go, Dad, you know I won’t let you talk about my wife that way. Call me when you are ready to apologize.”
Etc.
Why can’t men be real men any more?This is your husband’s JOB - to protect you and his children from all attacks, even from his own childhood family (you are his family now).
THIS is the best advice I’ve seen and I’ll tell ya why. If you (Original Poster) decided to lay down the law concerning the in laws you’ll be the perpetual bad guy…they’ll see your husband as possibly on their side and try to talk him into fighting for them against you. HE needs to tell them “hey you’ve treated my wife like garbage the last 3 years and NOW you think you can just squeeze into our child’s life?” HE needs to tell them what’s up. Let’s not forget the child isn’t just your husband’s but YOURS as well. There are MIL’s that hate or dislike their DIL’s but want to love up to grandbaby because it’s their son’s kid. Yet they still have little or NO respect for the child’s other parent the other half of the DNA ie MOM. I agree with the poster that said you gotta watch your kid around these people as to not leave them alone with them so they can listen to these jerks slam about you verbally.
If they keep on doing it, in spite of what he is telling them, then it’s time to set harder boundaries. He can tell them with words until the cows come home, but obviously if they keep doing whatever it is, they are ignoring him.I agree and this has been a consistent problem in our young marriage. Every single time one or both have said or done something offensive, he has addressed the issue, however I’ve never once received an apology for anything and then something else happens the next month. It seems they all tend to think that if they let time pass, it will heal every wound.
I’m not really sure how to move forward with my husband on this. And I’ve told him the same thing you mentioned – that it appears he cares more about his mother’s feelings than my own at times. While I know that he tries, his point never seems to get across to them.
You have hit the nail on the head! I feel that this is what has already happened whenever my husband has any sort of difficult discussion with them. They immediately say to my husband, “Well that’s what Avb23 thinks, not you, right?” They’ve confronted me before after certain situations my husband has addressed. Honestly though, I’m not sure how my husband has responded or how he would respond in the future to that specifically. For the most part, he always just says that I don’t know how crazy his mother actually is. For instance, shortly after our wedding, we were told by multiple people of no relation that my mil went off in the bathroom about how much she hated me and how disappointed she was that we went through with the wedding. Understandably upset, my husband confronted her about it in which she denied everything and immediately went ballistic. She searched for friends of ours and family members on facebook and sent threatening messages, which totally embarrassed my husband. After that incident, I couldn’t help but agree with my husband whenever he told me that he didn’t want to push an issue with her because “she would just go insane.”
The grandma shower what a total attention hog!! So another slap to the face “she’s not having a baby shower so I’ll get some attention for this baby”…what a beast.
Yep. I agree AGAIN, as someone who has toxic inlaws one of which is mentally whacked, (she’s so whacked she drugged her own kid because she’s got it in her head she’s learned enough to give him drugs to fix whatever “endricin” (sp?) problem she thought he had. She lost custody…before this she wanted us to send our oldest child on an airplane across the country to visit her ALONE. Nope I don’t think so… My own family has (some still due) problems with alcohol and drugs too. No way will I EVER leave my kids in their care for an hour or overnight AGAIN. :nope:If they keep on doing it, in spite of what he is telling them, then it’s time to set harder boundaries. He can tell them with words until the cows come home, but obviously if they keep doing whatever it is, they are ignoring him.
“Mom, I have told you and told you not to insult my wife like you do. This is the 2nd time this month you have said something hurtful. So until you can get control of your words and behavior, we are going to skip our visits to you.” Of course then he has to follow through with this, which may be very difficult for him.
He’s probably trying to keep everyone happy, which never works. Will he choose you, in the end, or his Mommy? $64,000 question. Many men continue to choose Mommy and ultimately end up divorced.
I’m not just spouting from no knowledge either. People who are mentally ill or alcoholics/addicts should never be given unsupervised access to children. Even if they pretend to be good grandparents, you never know what they say to the child/children when you aren’t there. Things that come up in ways you can’t anticipate…
I understand where you are coming from with this. But I warn everyone here, including the OP, to beware these sorts of people, grandparents or not. The ones who will go behind your back and say snarky things to others in the family, are the same ones who will quietly but steadily undermine your authority with your children. Can you trust them? I don’t think so. When the harm is done, it’s too late to undo. Years from now, when the kids are teenagers and start having sex with their girlfriends or boyfriends, you wonder what you did wrong. The answer is, “Nothing.” Granny or Grandpa has been telling them all along that you are “old-fashioned,” “not up with the times,” “just want you to be pure.” And that it is healthy for them to have sex at their age. Or a million other things, “Mom and Dad just don’t want you to have any fun, but they are old-fashioned, unlike me.”
Oh my goodness sweetheart, I feel for you. Im pregnant myself for the first time and will have my twins in 12 days time or less, so i know what you mean when you wonder as to whether you’re only angry because of horemones or if you have an actual right to be angry. I think in this case you have every right to be angry. I dont think the Grandma Shower issue is trivial at all, I think it is a very big deal, especially seing as how your father in law told you and your husband, who sounds lovely btw:thumbsup:, that you are expected to attend. YOU are the mother. Why should you be expected to attend anything concerning your baby where you are not the centre of attention? Besides the whole notion of a Grandma Shower being completely ridiculous (thank you for clarifying what one is because no, I havent heard of them before as Im sure alot of people havent), why should her friends help her out with things to keep in her house for the baby? Your baby will live in your house, so if anything she should be buying things for you and helping you out, never mind her friends helping her. My mother is thrilled and way enthusiastic about being a grandma (she fell to her knees in tears - happy ones, Im quick to add - when I told her I was pregnant) but knows her boudaries, aknowledges I am the boss as far as my babies are concerned, and would never dream of making herself the centre of attention in such a way. Also, and I dont mean to add fuel to the fire as I dont know your mother-in-law, but it does sound like she’s trying to exercise control over you, your husband and the baby by doing and saying these things (Grandma Shower, indeed!
) and telling you you are expected to attend. If I were you, if only for the sake of your husband as I understand your wishes to no longer put him in the middle, do allow the grandparents to see the baby - you never know, their hearts may soften once the little guy is born. Its amaizing what a new baby can do to fix family issues - however, always be present when they are around the baby. Take the baby to their house to see them and invite them to your home for visits but I would be reluctant to leave the baby alone with them without you being present to oversee what is going on around your child. You are the mother, therefore the boss as far as the little one is concerned. If things get too bad then it is you and your husbands right to act as you see fit. The Grandma Shower issue is unsettling for me. My mother-in-law has bought a couple things for her house incase the babies need them during visits etc ie. a diaper changing mat so I dont have to worry about bringing one with me which is really sweet, but not the amount of stuff a whole Shower would aquire.May I ask you in all politeness, to please break your responses up into paragraphs? Your other posting was very difficult to read because there were no breaks in it, and this one is similar. Thank you. I did it for you so you could see.Oh my goodness sweetheart, I feel for you. Im pregnant myself for the first time and will have my twins in 12 days time or less, so i know what you mean when you wonder as to whether you’re only angry because of horemones or if you have an actual right to be angry. I think in this case you have every right to be angry.
I dont think the Grandma Shower issue is trivial at all, I think it is a very big deal, especially seing as how your father in law told you and your husband, who sounds lovely btw:thumbsup:, that you are expected to attend. YOU are the mother. Why should you be expected to attend anything concerning your baby where you are not the centre of attention?
Besides the whole notion of a Grandma Shower being completely ridiculous (thank you for clarifying what one is because no, I havent heard of them before as Im sure alot of people havent), why should her friends help her out with things to keep in her house for the baby? Your baby will live in your house, so if anything she should be buying things for you and helping you out, never mind her friends helping her. My mother is thrilled and way enthusiastic about being a grandma (she fell to her knees in tears - happy ones, Im quick to add - when I told her I was pregnant) but knows her boudaries, aknowledges I am the boss as far as my babies are concerned, and would never dream of making herself the centre of attention in such a way.
Also, and I dont mean to add fuel to the fire as I dont know your mother-in-law, but it does sound like she’s trying to exercise control over you, your husband and the baby by doing and saying these things (Grandma Shower, indeed!
You are the mother, therefore the boss as far as the little one is concerned. If things get too bad then it is you and your husbands right to act as you see fit. The Grandma Shower issue is unsettling for me. My mother-in-law has bought a couple things for her house incase the babies need them during visits etc ie. a diaper changing mat so I dont have to worry about bringing one with me which is really sweet, but not the amount of stuff a whole Shower would aquire.
Wow, ok, well if it is a given that she can be mentally unstable, then yeah, protect your little one. I still think the baby shower things is not a big deal (except for being tacky)… Even if she does end up with a houseful of items for the baby, it does not change who the baby’s parents are and who decides how the baby will be taken care of… and who knows, maybe some people will think her idea was rather silly and turn the focus on celebrating the new life that has joined your family, and not the grandma that likes attention
. His family is his family, whether you like them or not, whether they are great or awful. Obviously you shouldn’t put your family in any situation where they can be harmed by your mil etc (ie, not leave your baby alone with her if she cannot be trusted), but I do think you should put the effort into showing her love when possible… and unless there is something else you are worried about, I think not going to the shower simply because it to dote on the grandma (as opposed to doting on you?) would be kind of petty. Of course, if there are other reasons, that is between you and your husband to decide what would be best for all of you.I got all excited as I thought someone was responding to what I actually wrote rather than how I wrote it. I try to be charitable in what i write and I dont expect to be patronised in return. I simply wont post anymore if its so difficult to read what Im writing in plain English.
Rachel, your post was fine. Please continue to post and write it however it comes to you. Many people post in one long paragraph and that is just fine.
She so reminds me of a lady I used to work with, always a storm brewing. What a tiresome person to have to deal with on a daily basis.Hey Rachel… don’t feel bad. I really don’t think it was meant to be patronizing. Some of us are a bit older, and have vision problems. We WANT to read what you wrote.