Flinging myself headlong into sin

[tabsie3210]

I don’t know what’s the matter with me.

I love games that are called “Interactive Fiction” games. Those are games where you’re reading stuff on a screen and punching in commands, like, “Look around,” and, “Talk to X,” things like that. They’re sort of like role-playing games. They have a set linear pattern, but they can have variations, and sometimes alternative endings (though most of the time those endings are, “Sorry, you got killed.”)

I had some on my computer before, but apparently I erased them by accident, along with the game translator I used to play them.

So I go to the big ol’ website o’ IF games and find the game I was looking for in particular to play, along with the translator, and without bothering to think it out, picked out two additional games, both of them pornographic.

By “not thinking about it,” I don’t mean I did it automatically, or unknowingly, I mean I just didn’t care.

So naturally they’re nothing more than porn (and I’ve deleted one from my HD already, but I have to hunt for the other one, it’s 2am, I’m supposed to be up at 7:30, and I’m having a mild panic attack, partly from exhaustion, partly from what happened).

And as any porn addict will tell you, porn has one use - masturbation.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should know better.

What bugs me is I fell off the wagon a few times last week, after several months of being good, and tonight I sort of just jumped right back into that pattern.

What goes through my head is a combination of, “I’m sorry, I didn’t care when I was doing it, but I care now,” and, “Oh, God, if I die tonight, I’m going to burn in hell!” and feeling freaked out about that, plus feeling too tired to really care as much as I want to. (Note, I confessed to the same sin back on Saturday, here it is Tuesday/Wednesday.)

I feel like I’m a failure as a human being for not getting it right and not wanting to always do the right thing. I just wish I weren’t wired so wrong. Naturally, it’s my own fault - when you get yourself addicted to something like porn, it’s just like smoking - you get cravings for it and you want it even if you know better.

What’s worse is that I can’t claim, “Oh, I had a major craving, it’s not my fault,” becuase it is my fault. I could have been content with any number of hundreds of good games that have no sexual content at all, and I wasn’t. I went looking for something that I knew better about.

I’m sad and mad and tired, and have nobody to talk to about all this stuff because it’s not something we discuss around here.

And I just want to go to sleep, but I can’t sleep, either. I’m too angry with myself, but I don’t feel angry enough, and I don’t feel guilty enough, except for the burning in the pit of my stomach.

God, I hope You understand me, becuase I sure as heck don’t. I don’t know why I’m this apathetic person, this annoying witch who won’t behave, this awful chick, and it’s not just that, but that I’ve been short-tempered, too.

Arrrrggghhh!

I just want to be perfect! Not because I want to be rich or popular or thin or anything, but so I would just STOP screwing up altogehter. I just want to always be good, and I’m not, and it sucks.

I can’t wait to get to Heaven, because then I’ll be able to deal with these issues and overcome them. In the meantime, I’m stuck on this ol’ hunk of rock and wishing I weren’t shipping myself to hell in a handbasket.

I probably won’t get to confessoin before Saturday again (tomorrow/today I have to go out with some friends to take care of things, and since they’re pagan, they don’t really understand so much, and keep trying to convince me to convert to Episcopalian - all the ceremony, half the guilt, as they joke).

Please pray to the Lord for me that He won’t see fit to smite me as I deserve to be smote before I have the opportunity to confess. Please pray to Him that I grow up and start feeling guilty about sinning, instead of being so apathetic. Please pray to Him that I start praying regularly again, and get off my lazy butt and do what needs to be done.

And please ask Him not to hate me. I deserve it, but I don’t want to go to Hell. I’m sad and scared of the idea, and I’d like nothing better than to just burn off everything evil about me, except that I’m too attached to my stupid, evil self.

I get this feeling sometimes that God says, “I don’t hate you, honey. But YOU have to decide what YOU’RE going to do.” And then I’m sitting here thinking, darn it, Tabsie, you should get your butt out of this chair and think things through, instead of just reacting, because if you don’t, you’re going to tiptoe yourself into damnation. What I mean is, I don’t feel as strongly about sins as I know I should. And that’s partly because I’m slothful, so I should be keeping busy. Also, I should sit down and have a long talk with God about my behavior, and I don’t do that, either.

I just hate that I keep messing up, and the worst part is that I’m not perfectly contrite. I’m upset that I did something bad, yes, but I’m scared of dying between now and Saturday and ending up in hell. And that’s imperfect contrition, which means I’m probably sunk one way or the other.

I wish I could just fix everything right up. Bah. I’m going to bed.

Love all of you on this board.

 

[Eucharisted]

Rely on Jesus, not on yourself. Entrust everything to Him and trust in Him. He will make you holy.

 

[Poetess_Kera]

As far as the fear of hell is concerned, I may be wrong, but if you die before you are able to go to confession, perhaps it’s considered an absolution by desire. If you wish to be baptized and you die before you are able to be, that’s considered baptism by desire. Maybe it could also apply to confession.

 

[Alindawyl]

I don’t know what’s the matter with me.

The same thing that’s the matter with all of us - our Fallen state. You’re not alone.

I had the same issues with porn/masturbation for the longest time, and completely surprised myself by being able to completely give up both in under a month of effort. Everyone kept saying it would be so difficult, but subsequent temptation has been minimal to nonexistent.

Lying, on the other hand… That’s my “pet” sin that just never seems to go away. I’ll go for a time with everything cool and then all of a sudden it seems like I can’t tell the truth on anything. Like you buying those games without caring, I’ve caught myself lying immediately afterwards and thinking “Why? That lie made no difference whatsoever. It doesn’t feed my ego. It doesn’t paint me in a better light or hide a shortcoming. I have no excuse to offer. It’s just a lie for lying’s sake. Gaaaaaah!” And then the :banghead: commences.

Same general situation, different sin. A couple times I’ve lied not even an hour out of the confessional. Talk about stupid

All we can do is trust in Jesus, as Eucharisted said. He knows we’re flawed and loves us anyway. I don’t know about you, but that certainly helps keep me going when I feel lower than dirt.

As far as the fear of hell is concerned, I may be wrong, but if you die before you are able to go to confession, perhaps it’s considered an absolution by desire. If you wish to be baptized and you die before you are able to be, that’s considered baptism by desire. Maybe it could also apply to confession.

There is an absolution of desire, so to speak. It’s called an act of perfect contrition.

We say a prayer called the act of contrition either during or immediately after confession, but that prayer (or one like it with the same meaning/idea but different words) doesn’t have to be made with perfect contrition. Perfect contrition is based on a love of God and sorrow for having offended him personally with our sin. Imperfect contrition is based on something else, such as hatred of sin or fear of the consequences, and is the minimum required for confession.

Ideally we should always have perfect contrition, but God is ever forgiving so allows us to receive absolution without our contrition being perfect if we go to confession. And thank goodness for that. Sometimes I know I’ve got perfect contrition but sometimes I know I don’t. Better safe than sorry, especially when eternity is on the line.

 

[GraceDK]

I What goes through my head is a combination of, “I’m sorry, I didn’t care when I was doing it, but I care now,” and, “Oh, God, if I die tonight, I’m going to burn in hell!” and feeling freaked out about that, plus feeling too tired to really care as much as I want to. (Note, I confessed to the same sin back on Saturday, here it is Tuesday/Wednesday.)

I feel like I’m a failure as a human being for not getting it right and not wanting to always do the right thing. I just wish I weren’t wired so wrong. Naturally, it’s my own fault - when you get yourself addicted to something like porn, it’s just like smoking - you get cravings for it and you want it even if you know better.

What’s worse is that I can’t claim, “Oh, I had a major craving, it’s not my fault,” becuase it is my fault. I could have been content with any number of hundreds of good games that have no sexual content at all, and I wasn’t. I went looking for something that I knew better about.

I’m sad and mad and tired, and have nobody to talk to about all this stuff because it’s not something we discuss around here.

And I just want to go to sleep, but I can’t sleep, either. I’m too angry with myself, but I don’t feel angry enough, and I don’t feel guilty enough, except for the burning in the pit of my stomach.

God, I hope You understand me, becuase I sure as heck don’t. I don’t know why I’m this apathetic person, this annoying witch who won’t behave, this awful chick, and it’s not just that, but that I’ve been short-tempered, too.

Arrrrggghhh!

I just want to be perfect! Not because I want to be rich or popular or thin or anything, but so I would just STOP screwing up altogehter. I just want to always be good, and I’m not, and it sucks.

I can’t wait to get to Heaven, because then I’ll be able to deal with these issues and overcome them. In the meantime, I’m stuck on this ol’ hunk of rock and wishing I weren’t shipping myself to hell in a handbasket.

I probably won’t get to confessoin before Saturday again (tomorrow/today I have to go out with some friends to take care of things, and since they’re pagan, they don’t really understand so much, and keep trying to convince me to convert to Episcopalian - all the ceremony, half the guilt, as they joke).

Please pray to the Lord for me that He won’t see fit to smite me as I deserve to be smote before I have the opportunity to confess. Please pray to Him that I grow up and start feeling guilty about sinning, instead of being so apathetic. Please pray to Him that I start praying regularly again, and get off my lazy butt and do what needs to be done.

And please ask Him not to hate me. I deserve it, but I don’t want to go to Hell. I’m sad and scared of the idea, and I’d like nothing better than to just burn off everything evil about me, except that I’m too attached to my stupid, evil self.

I get this feeling sometimes that God says, “I don’t hate you, honey. But YOU have to decide what YOU’RE going to do.” And then I’m sitting here thinking, darn it, Tabsie, you should get your butt out of this chair and think things through, instead of just reacting, because if you don’t, you’re going to tiptoe yourself into damnation. What I mean is, I don’t feel as strongly about sins as I know I should. And that’s partly because I’m slothful, so I should be keeping busy. Also, I should sit down and have a long talk with God about my behavior, and I don’t do that, either.

I just hate that I keep messing up, and the worst part is that I’m not perfectly contrite. I’m upset that I did something bad, yes, but I’m scared of dying between now and Saturday and ending up in hell. And that’s imperfect contrition, which means I’m probably sunk one way or the other.

I wish I could just fix everything right up. Bah. I’m going to bed.

Love all of you on this board.

Tab.
I think the problem is that you sit there looking at your belly button. This is a fact; Jesus LOVES you.
Man was not made to be alone, alone, alone, idle, sitting alone at computer at night, lonely, alone, idle.
You need a change of lifestyle.
Go on a trip to the Middle East to visit the persecuted Christians. Go to Russia and work at an orphanage. Get to be needed by people in real life circumstances… such people are the most happy ones…
Get the stinking computer out of your house.
Find a job that makes you tired.
Write a book. You write wonderfully!
You are not your masturbation-problem. But your masturbation problem is a part of your life as it is right now and you need to change some things…
I have the same problem with cakes. my life is asocial right now… I end in front of the computer after work with the excuse that i am tired… and when I have to work here I need sugar or I’ll go down… its part of the lifestyle. its part of the lie…

You will not go to hell. There is an old story about a desert father who had the same problem as you. Whenever he had sinned he immediately got up and prayed. It might seem silly to the human eye, yes… but the devil was annoyed so in the end he gave up and the brother was left in peace.
Keep the hope Tabsie. Keep praying. Wherever, however, however shortly… but keep doing that.
:hug1:

Grace