Flirting taboos: cultural or religious?

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You wish you were less uptight about kissing and cuddling, is that it? If so, it doesn’t seem to be a question about religion or even about culture, but about a clash of personalities.
 
Vico said:
If you are not used to it then you are uncomfortable then
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Respectfully, you shouldn’t be telling her how she feels. If she’s uncomfortable, fair enough, but it doesn’t seem to be what she’s saying.
 
perhaps. I guess maybe I’m unhappy with my personality, haha! I’d like to be less uptight.
 
Vico said:
If you are not used to it then you are uncomfortable then.
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I don’t think this follows. There might be many things I’m not used to and it doesn’t mean I"m uncomfortable in a bad way.
 
I’m getting the sense that you might be from an immigrant family? Sometimes there is just a clash of cultures with physical expression of affection. Or just coming from very different family cultures.
 
Just… going to leave this here… nothing implied except that your family background seems “classier” than his. It’s perhaps a myth that generally women marry “up”.

en.m.wikipedia.org

Hypergamy - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org en.m.wikipedia.org
 
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seekingsynthesis said:
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Vico:
If you are not used to it then you are uncomfortable then.
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I don’t think this follows. There might be many things I’m not used to and it doesn’t mean I"m uncomfortable in a bad way.
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OK, however you did say “self conscious about any physical affection”. Self-conscious emotions may include embarrassment with anger and hostility, avoiding social experiences, blaming others, feeling responsible for wrongs against you, low self-esteem, agitation or nervousness, anxiety, depression. Good self-conscious symptoms are pride in accomplishments, enjoying socializing, and taking responsibility. Are you experiencing the good symptoms or the others?

So I can say that to be self-conscious may not a pleasant experience. Such emotions develop in relation to an understanding of rules, standards, and goals.

@RolandThompsonGunner
 
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That is true- when I said “self conscious” I was thinking more of the fact that I am constantly thinking “what do other people think, is this PDA, is this inappropriate”- or if we’re alone, “do other couples say this? Is this normal?” And comparing.
Perhaps a thread like this was not the best idea for someone who worries too much what other people think, lol.
 
27lw said:
Is it common that he’s at your place when you’re getting in the shower?
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No, and when he is visiting me (at my family’s house) he is very discreet. We have washrooms on different floors and when I get dressed and come down he’s just dressed and chatting with my family.

So it is more just in the teasing, not in reality.
 
seekingsynthesis said:
(For the record, though, I don’t live in the US, lol… funny how that’s always the assumption).
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This is a US-based forum, and most of the people who post here live in the US, with a sizable number also from other English-speaking areas like Canada, the UK, Ireland etc. So if you’re seeking opinions here, then US opinions are primarily what you’re going to get. I stated “In the US” because I have no idea where you are located - your public profile is hidden and if you mentioned in the thread where you live, I didn’t see it.

If you want to get responses tailored to your culture, you’d do better by saying where you are located in your first post, or by having it show on your profile, or mention what culture you’re trying to learn about, and then if we have some posters who live there or otherwise have experience with that culture, they can answer.

Different cultures may have slightly different rules about what’s appropriate in a dating relationship. Although I think a man grabbing a woman’s behind or thigh is pretty universal in what it indicates and that the Catholic Church would tend to frown on it if the couple weren’t married or at least engaged.

I’ll bow out of this thread now, because I’m really not sure what you’re trying to arrive at here.
You posted a bunch of behaviors that are frankly, morally questionable for a couple that are still at the “just dating, not engaged” point, and I’m not one of those extreme people who says “don’t even kiss till after the wedding”, but kissing is a lot different from butt grabbing. You’re also asking about “cultural” implications when we don’t even know what your culture is, and then when you’re told that such behavior is a bit low class you reject that too.

If you’re looking for a forum to tell you that yeah, all this stuff your boyfriend is doing is just fine, I don’t think this is the place. Your boyfriend is getting right up to the edge of what’s permissible for a non-engaged couple. If you’re okay with that, then it’s your issue to deal with. If you’re not okay with it, you need to let him know, and it doesn’t matter what the cultural implications of it are.

Signing off now, good luck.
 
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Apologies if this seemed confrontational. I didn’t want to start with a huge long post, so I tried to clarify as things came up. And I was just teasing about the US thing.
 
Apologies to all if this thread has seemed combative. I appreciate all of the (name removed by moderator)ut. I am just new to a forum like this and underestimated how personal/invasive some of the responses would feel.
Thanks for all the thoughts.
 
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seekingsynthesis said:
That is true- when I said “self conscious” I was thinking more of the fact that I am constantly thinking “what do other people think, is this PDA, is this inappropriate”- or if we’re alone, “do other couples say this? Is this normal?” And comparing.
Perhaps a thread like this was not the best idea for someone who worries too much what other people think, lol.
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This sounds like a response in shame (or honor) based culture rather than guilt based culture.
 
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This really gets into big topics here – raising girls, “good girls”, what is acceptable for younger / teen girls vs adult women, feminism in general.
Etc!
The upshot is, if your family of origin is reserved this way, then it may be a bit of a transition to bring a flirty, physically affectionate person.
I think you’re just being observant and being very self-aware.
Good for you for figuring this stuff out before you get attached / physically involved!
 
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seekingsynthesis said:
Can you elaborate on what you see as the difference here?
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Guilt is feeling arising from conscience which serves in guilt based cultures to control behavior. Shame cultures, however, reply upon external sanctions for the same. Also in some other cultures social control may be through fear (such as in tribes).

Professor of Pastoral Counseling at Fuller Theological Seminary, David W. Augsburger, wrote:
Anxiety, shame, and guilt are the normal and sequential control processes that emerge in the first, second, and third years of a child’s development in every culture. Each culture has its own balanced and its own integrative hierarchy of these internal controls. Tribalistic cultures are dominated by the fear/anxiety motive. Individualistic cultures generally seek to minimize anxiety and shame while socializing the child to have more of a guilt orientation, while many collectivistic cultures generally tend to encourage a shame orientation.
…
The three function together, although the intensity of each influence varies significantly from culture to culture.

(Conflict Mediation Across Cultures: Pathways and Patterns (1986), by David Augsburger, pp. 82, 126)
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seekingsynthesis said:
So now I am trying to be open, but feeling like I don’t have a natural sense of good boundaries.
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It’ll come! Give yourself time! Remember, on one hand- avoid objective sin! Beyond that- try things and see what you like. You may surprise yourself. Or not. But it seems to me that it’s time for you to emerge from your cocoon of scrupulously about touch and affection and just see what kind of personality and temperament you have! Whats your “love language”? Do you even know yet? Explore and see. Just avoid sin. It’s not hard! May be harder for him, but he’s not the one having an issue here so I think you’re good.
 
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