Fluctuating feelings about God

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niall

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So i’m starting to get the feeling that I deal with scrupulosity, very badly. There has not been one week in the past 2 months that I got serious about my faith that I did not receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation before Mass, and it’s driving me crazy. In fact, I just received the Sacrament yesterday before attending Mass, and because I got in an argument with my dad yesterday and raised my voice, I feel as if I cannot take Communion today without going to Reconciliation, again. Not only is feeling the need to go to Confession on a weekly basis frustrating, but I feel like my scrupulosity is really messing up my relationship with Christ.

Throughout most of the week, I feel completely content in the Lord; I feel unbelievably happy, and I can say without a doubt in my mind that I love Him, more than anything. In fact, the thought of becoming a Sister has occurred to me lately, and although I have not made any decisions yet, I feel called to be completely open to this vocation. However, the point is that I know that I love God; I’ve felt this love before in its fullness.

But then, the scrupulosity kicks in. I may have this emotional collapse at least once every one or two weeks. Suddenly, I do something that I think may be a mortal sin, when it’s truly not. I begin to find it hard to say that I love God, because if I truly did, why would I be committing these “sins?” It bothers me like nothing else that I can experience God’s love as I had before, and then in a week, I’ll be wondering if I can say that I love Him in return with a clear conscience. I know nothing is happening on God’s part; He is not distancing Himself from me. All of this is coming from my side.

I’m actually beginning to wonder if I have OCD, because of a couple other reasons that I’ll keep private. But what I’m wondering, is feeling this way, in itself, a sin? I know that it is, in a way, doubting God’s mercy, and I hate to do this, but I just keep on reeling myself back into it. (I guess the fact that I’m asking if this is a sin shows scrupulosity in itself…)
 
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I don’t think its sinful, I think its normal. I deal with it all the time. And lets be honest, its ok to feel bad because you sinned. Isn’t the whole point of a sin that its a bad thing ?
But I don’t think you should focus on it too much. I struggle sometimes too in that lets say I fight with my dad and then dont want to recieve communion. That is why I think its important to have theological knowledge to differentiate normal sins from mortal sins. You can also practice working on self-control. We are a combination between mind-soul so its obvious that they should work with each other. So if you excercise controlling yourself in temptation to sin, you will find yourself feeling like you have this OCD.
And if you go to reconciliation every month,and tell the pastor your problems, I think you will be fine. I know its hard to talk to your local priest sometime, but he can always tell you what is a mortal sin and what not. And you always have people here ready to help.
Not sure if this will help but, I hope you do well on your spiritual path 🙂 Cheers !
 
I have this same problem, actually, and although I might not be the best person to help, I will try to offer some advice.
  1. When you have these fearful thoughts, sit with them until you calm down. This will be painful, but it’s important that you do this. Do not give in and pray for forgiveness or seek reassurance.
  2. Avoid going to confession more than twice a year. This one’s been very hard for me to resist, and I can tell that it’s hard for you too. But in actuality, going to confession is a compulsion, part of OCD behavior. People with OCD will feel the urge to partake in a compulsion (going to confession in this case) in order to get rid of their fears (the fear that you’ve sinned). And the more you engage in these compulsions, the more you’re actually training your mind to rely on them, and so you become addicted in a sense. You don’t want this to happen, as it will make your obsessive thoughts, fears, and compulsions worse, so for your sake, please try to avoid going to confession as much as possible. It will make you very anxious at first, but it will get better the more you avoid it.
  3. Purposely do the “sins” you fear most. If that’s yelling at a parent, then do that. If it’s other things too, then do those as well. Do it until the obsessive thoughts and anxiety go away. And even if these acts seem incredibly sinful to you, do it anyway. God knows that you are suffering from a mental illness, and in order to overcome your mental illness and be able to love Him more fully, you must conquer it (Essentially what my former psychologist said to me). And this form of therapy, unfortunately, is the only way to conquer it.
I would also seek professional help if I were you. I know that scrupulosity is a miserable burden to bear on your own, and I’ve found that support from a psychologist has really helped (although certainly not cured it…yet). They will likely tell you all of the things that I just told you, but they will be able to help you more personally. They will even be able to help with your other OCD behaviors. I wish you luck on overcoming this.
 
Erm, yeah, I would not be advising folks to commit sin if I were you.
I feel like I get where you’re coming from, because you put the word: sin in quotes. Maybe you’re referring to the types of behaviors that aren’t morally wrong but dance fairly close to near occasions of sin?
Perhaps it’s better for the OP to learn the difference between sinful and non sinful acts.
Or to figure out the root of why she (for example), yells at her dad. Then work on the spiritual and psychological causes.
Hugs :hugs: OP!
AliceJae, sin is an inherently dangerous and poisonous act. An act that God knew from all eternity would hurt us or other people. I’m sure you wouldn’t advise somebody to repeatedly drink bleach in order to figure out why she drinks bleach.
Knowledge, spiritual counseling and possibly, psychological counseling is in order here, esp if there is a condition like OCD involved.
BTW, it’s fairly common for OCD sufferers to be drawn to the spiritual life, or maybe it’s vice versa? That’s not a bad thing, actually. We all have our “stuff” we carry through life…
 
It sounds like a bad thing, and obviously sin is not a good thing, but this is how my psychologists have taught me to deal with it. It’s called exposure-response prevention therapy, look it up. “Sin” refers to the irrational fears that plague a person’s mind. If you feel like you’re comitting a mortal sin by messing up a prayer, for example, then you would do ERP.
 
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Probably they should think of a better word for sin, if they’re referring to irrational fears. It’s too confusing…
 
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