I didn’t see your original post, and have only glanced through the comments here, so I apologise if my comments miss the mark.
First of all, I myself am the victim of an affair, which I watched progress from my wife spending more and more time with this “friend”, to the relationship becoming sexual, to her ending our marriage and re-marrying the other man. So, I can understand the drawn out pain and difficulting in knowing how to proceed.
Secondly, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
My observations:
It seems to me that you have done everything right so far. You have confronted your wife calmly and presented her with choices.
You may not sense this yourself, but you are in a more fortunate position than many, if not most, victims of affairs, in that your wife has actually, when confronted, decided to return to you and break off the other relationship. Although her resolutions were not kept, she has been much more loyal to you than many straying wives, who, when confronted, put the “other” relationship first, and keep their options open to divorce their husband, and keep the children, the house, and the boyfriend. My ex-wife was utterly ruthless over the two years that this went on for us, never once admitting any fault, or responding to any attempts to save our marriage.
It seems to me that there is a real desire in your wife to keep her marriage and family, and my recommendation is that you hold onto this, and make the most of it, however flawed it may have been in the past.
For victims of extra-marital affairs I always recommend
James Dobson’s book * Love Must Be Tough*, as the most insightful and pragmatic discussion of the affairs and the available options. However, it seems to me that in your approach so far you have followed the path Dobson would advise, namely to be tough in yourself, and to give your spouse freedom, but not licence.
Part of Dobson’s advice:
The standard approach to marriage counselling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case.
Typically, when a marriage is unravelling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counselling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism.
He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb.
(BTW: this was nearly twenty years ago for me; my wife’s second marriage lasted 12 years, before she moved on again; and the consequences of divorce in my life, and the children’s lives, have been ongoing and highly destructive.)
Seriously man, I want to clap YOU upside your head now!