"For better or for worse...."

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Does the “worse” part include emotional abuse (it’s not physical abuse)? Does it include a possible mental defect on DH’s part? He is a narcissist and makes life unpredictable for the kids. I constantly feel like a referee ensuring his anger and verbal abuse and threatening demeanor don’t spill over onto my kids.

The fear I feel towards any insults and sarcasm and mean-spiritedness he may exhibit towards the kids at any given time is absolutely overbearing. We walk on eggshells whenever he’s home. I feel like I have PTSD.

Without exaggeration, he completely lacks the ability to feel empathy toward anyone other than himself.

I’ve come to accept my marriage is irreparable, but don’t want to harm my kids by staying with him OR leaving him. 2 of our 5 kids adore him and fear him at the same time.

What do those vows mean exactly? 20 years in and I know he won’t change as he refuses to see his behavior is harmful.
 
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Worse may include sickness, being old, poverty, famine, persecution, etc, but it does not include abuses or crimes.

If your husband abuses you and the children, even if it is due to mental sickness, then the law should take its course to protect you and your family. It could be isolation in psychiatric hospital if it is due to sickness or remanded in police custody or jail for physical abuse, or whatever the case may be.
 
Yes and no.

Yes sacramental marriage is forever. That doesn’t mean you have to stay physically with an abuser. It doesn’t mean you have to remain legally married to an abuser. You can physically separate and even divorce to protect yourself and your kids.

If the marriage is a valid sacramental one, you would not be able to enter another marriage in the future.

After you and your children are safely separated from the situation and the abuser, talk to your pastor about whether you should pursue a nullity case. If there is mental illness, perhaps you have some grounds. No one here can speculate on that.
 
Is there a difference between a mean, angry, short-fused father and an emotionally abusive father? I don’t want to sound melodramatic by using the word “abuser” which carries a heavy weight.
 
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You’ve been given numerous options before:
  • Marriage Counseling
  • Psychiatric Help
  • Seeking Legal Help
  • Separation
If you’re this miserable, something is wrong and it should be addressed by a decisive course of action. Have your parents or siblings seen his behavior? Are there others who’ll help you?
 
He has said he was going to work on being a better father, but it seems he’s unable to. I wanted to give him a chance, but he falls back into the same pattern.

He has gone to a therapist twice in the past, but he seems to think he’s ok as long as he’s not outright verbally or gesturally attacking us. He’s trying to “lay low” when I’m around towards the kids, but his meanness always ends up rearing its ugly head.

The last incident he started yelling and physically getting intimidating toward my daughter over something completely insignificant. I quickly intervened by telling him to stop and then he did. I hate having my kids live this way with a father so self-centered and easily provoked.

We can’t even play family game night as he ends up criticizing and insulting someone in the process making them angry/sad/crying as a result.
 
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no1special said:
He has said he was going to work on being a better father, but it seems he’s unable to. I wanted to give him a chance, but he falls back into the same pattern.
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He has a problem. He doesn’t need a therapist, he needs a psychiatrist.

You didn’t answer my question. What have other people noticed? Do you have contact with other family members?
 
no1special said:
The last incident he started yelling and physically getting intimidating toward my daughter over something completely insignificant.
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Not only is he being emotionally abusive, he’s now becoming physically abusive too. You need to protect yourself and your children.
 
There’s also the possibility it’s not working because the OP’s husband has no desire to change, so anything suggested to him in counseling is useless and nothing is fixed. He sounds as though he truly doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour, so IMO the OP needs to act quickly and keep her children (and herself) safe.
 
Continuing the discussion from Overbearing Father / Husband:
Cecilia_Dympna said:
Hi, You’ve started many threads regarding your abusive husband. Including one where you described wanting to be submissive and he be the head. I really do not want to discuss wifely submission. But what the hell are you doing?

Just boot him and his crazy mother out. You need to put your kids first.The way he treats your son with autism = abuse. Pushups and your daughter = abuse.

You have my prayers.
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Have to say @Cecilia_Dympna pretty much nailed it back in April.
 
I really don’t like what I’m reading from the OP’s posts. She seems isolated…
 
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Oh, I feel like we’re going off of scraps of information here. I just hope something positive happens!
 
One can only hope…
OP, you have spoken of this on numerous occasions. If he’s as bad as you say, if he abuses you, or your kids in any way, you are obligated to get out! In your first post, I believe, you cited ‘wifely submission’ to justify your tolerating his bringing his mother to live with you, against your wishes. Then, you went on to speak about how he treated your children, making them feel responsible for losing games,then coaching them himself, to the point of some of them wanting to quit the sports they’re involved in! I remember telling you, at the time, that you were risking losing your kids, as someone in your neighborhood, or at their school, would be likely to observe this behavior, report it to the authorities, and you could both lose them! It sounds like he isn’t even trying to be the Christian model of a husband or a father.
Please…get out and get help. Your children deserve better, and so do you. I doubt that ‘wifely submission’ applies in your case.
 
No1, I sympathize with you on every level of this. My husband is an alcoholic and he is emotional abusive, unpredictable and just plain mean. I left him 10 months ago. We’ve been in over-the-phone counseling for about 5 months, during which time he has insisted he is not drinking, and that I should come back and that will be my proof that things are better.
With the counselor we agreed on the kids and I taking a trip back and staying for 3-4 weeks. Kind of a chance to see if we could put into practice a new and healthy dynamic.
Within a day I found a hidden bottle of gin, and twice in the week we’ve been here he has blown up (admittedly the decibel level was lower) at me and told me he would rather divorce that work with me, as well as threatening to sue me for the kids.
Like you, I am trying and trying at every level to give him a million chances because I do not want to take the kids away from their father. He has good qualities, but they are now buried somewhere.
I am afraid that once I take that legal step, there will be no going back. You can’t unring a bell. Like you, I don’t know which situation is worse for my kids’ faith life. Two very bad options for both of us. I will pray for you, please pray for me.
 
HUGS!

When living with an alcoholic, it is very difficult for a non-alcoholic to understand.

Until the alcoholic wants to stop, they won’t stop. They will lose jobs and families and homes and health, and leave the hospital to get another pint. Until they want to quit, they will not quit. In all the talk of “illness” we forgot that in the end, it is a spiritual problem. It is a sin, it is a sin that once it takes root it consumes the person.

There might be a genetic predisposition, but, as we say with the homosexual, that is a cross to carry. At some point you can make the conscious decision to shrug off that cross and simply succumb to the temptations. They are choosing until they are so deep in they do not think they don’t think they can choose anything else.

There is still that prick of conscience, that is why you find the hidden bottles instead of a stocked liquor cabinet. All the way back to Adam hiding from God, we want to hide when we know we have sinned.

It can happen. People can get rid of the root sin and the bodily dependence and the mental habit. I’ve posted the links to Sober Catholic and Calix Society many times.

Al Anon helps because you find out that while the players change, the play is the same. That the way your loved one behaves is not unique or special, it is the same regardless of rich or poor, black or white, young or old.

Prayers. Prayers. Prayers.
 
My uncle died due to complications from alcoholism. It destroyed his life. He tried to get it under control but it was too late. He ended up dying from a heart attack in his house and he wasn’t discovered for 9 Days…

I’ve seen various levels of alcohol dependency. However, it always gets worse as the person ages. My uncle was a functioning alcoholic before the age of 40. Then, as his metabolism slowed down the alcohol started doing more damage. The severity of the hangovers increased and that resulted in him losing his job :confused:
 
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