For Dads eyes only: Sex life with kids, NFP etc

[Xantippe]

The stereotype is sex for males is purely physical, and for women it’s more emotional, but I feel like it’s the other way around. Sex is an amazing bond with my wife that I miss everyday. For her, I feel it’s just a physical activity that she is bored of.

I think you’re misunderstanding that stereotype.

According to the stereotype (which has a certain amount of truth to it), a woman often needs to have her emotional ducks in a row before sex sounds appealing. If there’s something wrong with your relationship, if she’s behind on housework, if she feels fat or unkempt, if there is some sort of disaster in the house (a huge unfinished home improvement project or just a plain old disaster), if there are tiny needy children that need her all the time, if she’s not sleeping enough, sex doesn’t sound like a good idea.

It does make a certain amount of sense–if there are so many problems at home, and if life at home is so demanding and she feels like she’s failing as it is, does it make sense to bring a new pregnancy and baby into an already difficult situation? Obviously, with appropriate NFP, sex doesn’t necessarily mean instant pregnancy and in a wealthy modern society with good family support, you guys are not going to starve or find yourselves out on the street, but you’re dealing with literally thousands of years of female human experience here–in the not-so-distant past women did see their children die of hunger and they still do in less fortunate parts of the world. Also, I’m assuming, she’s home more than you and has to deal with the parents more than you, so the problems of living with family are going to weigh more heavily on her than on you.

Obviously, improving living conditions is not the answer in all cases, but there are so many libido-killing elements to your living situation (the kids in bed and living with parents as relative newlyweds) that it does seem the most natural place to start.

Oh, and come to think of it, aside from objective living conditions, one of the areas where you can help is providing emotional support and giving your wife assurance that she is actually attractive and she is doing her best and you appreciate her efforts. If she believes that she’s failing and that you are disappointed in her, her libido will dry up and blow away.

Best wishes!

 

[alphawoman]

Yes to Xiantippe’s post above. The husband and wife need to carve out some opportunities to sit down undisturbed and have a few honest heart-to-hearts to devise a shared vision for the next year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. I imagine that would be difficult to do under the circumstances described without deliberate planning to make those conversations happen. Good luck, OP!