For GBTQ men trying to live in accordance with the Church

[NotNathalie]

I am a longtime member here, under a different handle. That alone may cause my thread to be removed, but I hope you’ll understand my reason for this.

Tonight, after much prayer, I’m coming out to you in the hope that I can be some offering to help those of you who struggle like me. I’m 37, married for more than 10 years, with three children, and I’m coming out as a bisexual man who chooses to live in chastity with my wife.

I love my wife very much. I’m also attracted to men. I dream about them, I go to transgender porn sites <why not just plain gay sites? it’s not the same>, and I seem to make friends with gay men before they come out <what is that, reverse gaydar?>. Since I started college in 1999 I have cultivated a sexual fantasy of being a woman - for a time I thought that made me transgender, but after talking with transgender men here, I see that I don’t have that intensity of fervor for identifying as a woman like they do.

But I make a choice. Here, now, and always. I choose to serve the Lord, I choose to remain faithful to my vows and to my wife. I cancelled my memberships to transgender sites, I locked out the secret accounts I used to access them.

It took a lot of time, and lot of the Lord working on me. It took more than a year of therapy for anxiety until my therapist got into me enough to get me to open up about Nathalie - my alter-ego, the female version of me. He asked me to have a conversation with her, and through that conversation I knew that she wasn’t the me I was meant to be. She’s certainly who I desired to be, but I chose not to be her. Hence, I’m NotNathalie.

So I offer this up in my haphazard, difficult way, to say to other men like me who are bi, or to others who are gay or transgender or questioning, that you don’t have to listen to those desires, that God wants better for you, and that the feeling of guilt you feel is meant to guide you to the Truth that Jesus Christ died for your sins, not that you could remain in them but that you could be free of them, one day.

I hope and pray every day that these desires will leave me. The other week I took my oldest to get ice cream and the young man behind the counter had such beautiful eyes that I forgot what i wanted to order for a second. It’s not like it’s just going to go away, but I trust in the Lord and I know Him to be good. I want only to have a good marriage and be a good father, and to accept as a form of suffering the burden of these desires.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve visited the porn sites. Already the images are starting to fade. The first week is the hardest, it really is. After that, all those flights of fantasy just start to fall apart, and you get to see the world for what it really is, and what you were doing for a waste of time and energy and life.

May God bless you abundantly and may He sustain you as you walk away from your sins - whatever they may be - and walk with the Lord.

 

[mrsjennymulhall]

Your faith, your humility, your strength and your courage have broken my heart. I am literally typing this with tears falling. You beautiful, beautiful soul; may God strengthen your resolve to keep from wicked websites and the temptations which beset you. May He walk with you in your journey towards fidelity to your faith, your marriage, your family and your natural self. I am so full of admiration for you that I hardly know what to say. Please be assured of my continuing prayers for you as you give courage to others in this difficult situation.

Jenny x

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Brother in Christ,

Praise God for how He is conquering in you! Praise God for how you are cooperating with Him!

As you might now, I’m in a very similar situation; I’ve been married for nine years, have five kids, and I’m “bisexual”. (OK, I totally hate that term, but whatever.) When you wrote about being taken aback by the young man behind the counter’s looks, I immediately knew the exact experience. When something like that happens, I used to feel shame as close upon me as a glove, but gradually that is changing.

I’m convinced that – as you say – guilt is a force of good in our lives. Shame isn’t. This is why I’m so glad you posted here, because it is one step of breaking shame in your life.

Praise God!

 

[PietroPaolo]

Good for you! I’m sure your story here will help others. Expect to be attached by the homosexualist movement (those who would have you be Nathalie) but protected by Christ. While not many of us share your particular struggle with cross dressing and homosexuality, many of us struggle with sexual sins, your courage and resolution will be an inspiration to many. In my book, what you’ve done is more courageous than those who are so lauded in the news for succumbing to their homosexual desires (I can think of a basketball and a football player). May God abundantly bless you and your family.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I congratulate you on your choice to stay with your wife - I am going through a divorce and it’s not pleasant.

I also hope for the day when any LGBTQ person can make a similar choice to be with the person they love.

 

[PietroPaolo]

I congratulate you on your choice to stay with your wife - I am going through a divorce and it’s not pleasant.

I also hope for the day when any LGBTQ person can make a similar choice to be with the person they love.

That day is already here. What law exactly bans LGBTQ people from being with the person they love?

 

[EasterJoy]

You are very wise to choose chastity in such a realistic, practical, and unwavering way. There are unfortunately many who ardently desire a second lover of the same gender as their spouse who are not so wise as you are. They cause untold misery and put their own souls in mortal danger. Know that if the temptation does not leave you entirely that many others have to face temptations just as strong every day in order to honor their marriage vows. The temptation is not shameful, but the willingness to reject it totally is as praiseworthy and prudent as it is difficult. You will not go without your reward for your fidelity. Hang in there, and let Our Lady’s Immaculate Heart be your guide and help through this.

 

[EasterJoy]

I congratulate you on your choice to stay with your wife - I am going through a divorce and it’s not pleasant.

I also hope for the day when any LGBTQ person can make a similar choice to be with the person they love.

Just for the record, it is not possible for two persons of the same gender to have chaste sexual relations. They can have human relations which are profound and worthwhile, they can care for each other in a chaste manner that avoids sexual consort, but because they cannot have a chaste sexual relationship marriage is not possible for them. That civil law might construct a facsimile of marriage for persons of the same sex does not remove this difficult trial for them, but rather misleads them into believing they have found a viable solution to their trial. That may well lessen the culpability for those who honestly do not know better, but those who comprehend that same-sex sexual relations are forbidden ought not feel free to pretend they do not understand moral law, nor imagine that they are free to re-write it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I congratulate you on your choice to stay with your wife - I am going through a divorce and it’s not pleasant.

I also hope for the day when any LGBTQ person can make a similar choice to be with the person they love.

Cheese,

This isn’t a thread about gay marriage. Let’s not make it one.

Sincerely,
Prodigal

 

[LongingSoul]

It’s been three weeks since I’ve visited the porn sites. Already the images are starting to fade. The first week is the hardest, it really is. After that, all those flights of fantasy just start to fall apart, and you get to see the world for what it really is, and what you were doing for a waste of time and energy and life.

This is a truth that I stress constantly to my children as a general rule. Don’t entertain your flaws and weaknesses. Starve them of their food and they won’t have power over you. The world is full of toxic ‘foods’ and making a daily point of consuming only what is healthy and life affirming (the sacraments especially), takes the strength out of our temptations.

(BTW what does the Q stand for in GBTQ?)

 

[12345678]

This is a truth that I stress constantly to my children as a general rule. Don’t entertain your flaws and weaknesses. Starve them of their food and they won’t have power over you. The world is full of toxic ‘foods’ and making a daily point of consuming only what is healthy and life affirming (the sacraments especially), takes the strength out of our temptations.

(BTW what does the Q stand for in GBTQ?)

Queer?

God Bless you NotNathalie.

God Bless you and give you strength to continue down the path of holiness. He will give you all the strength you need to fight any temptations. God Bless you for the beautiful example you are of love of God. Longing Soul has shared some very wise words above!

 

[LongingSoul]

Queer?

I didn’t imagine it would be that word as I thought it was derogatory? Perhaps it isn’t…

 

[12345678]

I didn’t imagine it would be that word as I thought it was derogatory? Perhaps it isn’t…

Hmm, I didn’t know it could be derogatory. It makes me think of “Queer eye for the straight guy” (not that I watched it or cared for the show, but I knew about it).
I googled it and it says queer/questioning. So maybe it is ‘questioning’.

 

[JacquesMaritain]

This is a truth that I stress constantly to my children as a general rule. Don’t entertain your flaws and weaknesses. Starve them of their food and they won’t have power over you. The world is full of toxic ‘foods’ and making a daily point of consuming only what is healthy and life affirming (the sacraments especially), takes the strength out of our temptations.

(BTW what does the Q stand for in GBTQ?)

Hi LongingSoul:

I believe the Q stands for “Queer” or “Questioning”. These things have become very complex. At the Toronto Pride Festival of 2014 event organizers used an 11 letter abbreviation so that everyone would feel included, and no one would be left out. It was LGBTTIQQ2SA: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, intersex, questioning, queer, two-spirited and allies (allies are presumably other people who support the aforementioned groups). Hope this helps.

Jacques.

 

[NotNathalie]

I am overwhelmed. I trusted in His Church and here His Church supports me in my decision. I am not condemned for the burden I carry. Thank you. It reminds me of a story I heard once <in class? on here? I forget> about a monk who struggles with the temptation to sneak out and visit the brothel down the hill from the monastery. One night he decides he cannot make it and packs up to leave. The abbot confronts him - “why are you leaving, my son?” “I can’t stop struggling with the temptation of women, I am lost, Father.” The response is as caring as it is true - “So long as you struggle, my son, you are not lost.”

Thank you to all of you who confess your struggle as well. May none of us be lost.

This isn’t a thread about gay marriage. Let’s not make it one.

Amen. This thread is my witness and my offering to those who choose to live faithfully to the Church’s teaching. I have not come out to anyone I know in real life because I know their response would be something appalling - an open marriage, indulging in the desire to seek other men, support for continuing the fantasies. None of this is healthy or good and I don’t want it in my life. One of my best friends is also bi and I came down hard on him for cheating on his wife with another man, even though she gave her consent.

This is a truth that I stress constantly to my children as a general rule. Don’t entertain your flaws and weaknesses. Starve them of their food and they won’t have power over you.

This is so true. We all have our struggles. Mine is to be attracted to other men. Well, one of mine. I struggle with all of them and know that I am powerless without the Lord to protect me.

Hi LongingSoul:
I believe the Q stands for “Queer” or “Questioning”. These things have become very complex. At the Toronto Pride Festival of 2014 event organizers used an 11 letter abbreviation so that everyone would feel included, and no one would be left out. It was LGBTTIQQ2SA: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, intersex, questioning, queer, two-spirited and allies (allies are presumably other people who support the aforementioned groups).

I meant it as “questioning”. I was under the impression that all in that abbreviation are ‘queer’ in the sense of ‘different’. I’m surprised there wasn’t an “asexual” in there - a speaker at my college told us how they thought of themself as a third gender or asexual person, and ultimately had surgery to remove all sexual organs. The speaker said they preferred “they” or “them” to he or she. Thank you for that, it gave me a bit of a smile. That’s a movement that wants to define people like me and have me claim out loud my desires and play down what I really want. I knew that the first time I went to an Ally’s office in college and the professor wanted me to join a support group. Instead, I went to a priest and asked for guidance, and what I received in his office was far more compassionate and had much better my interests.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I didn’t imagine it would be that word as I thought it was derogatory? Perhaps it isn’t…

Queer?

God Bless you NotNathalie.

God Bless you and give you strength to continue down the path of holiness. He will give you all the strength you need to fight any temptations. God Bless you for the beautiful example you are of love of God. Longing Soul has shared some very wise words above!

GBTQ stands for “Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Questioning”. It’s a blanket acronym for people of all sexualities, and for people in all parts of figuring out their sexuality, hence the “Questioning”.

 

[manualman]

If it makes you feel any better, your difficulties and struggles aren’t really all that different from mine. I may not get distracted by the ice cream counter GUY, but his female cohort in the miniskirt and button-deficient blouse sure has rather the same effect… And good luck avoiding contact with hetero porn in modern media!

Chastity is a struggle for all of us guys of all stripes, sizes and interests. Worth it though. Hang in there and refuel on Grace frequently!

 

[NotNathalie]

Just a note. I’ve come back to visit during a time of great temptation. The stress of work and a number of other things - financial burdens, health concerns, problems in the extended family - keep me up late at night. At one point I thought it was that the Enemy wanted me awake long hours so I’d give in. Now I wonder if it’s only during the late hours that I can find time for the silence I need to spend time with the Lord.

Thank you for your prayers. I continue to struggle, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. For all who struggle, may you struggle mightily, as if your very life depended on it.

 

[agnes_therese]

Just a note. I’ve come back to visit during a time of great temptation. The stress of work and a number of other things - financial burdens, health concerns, problems in the extended family - keep me up late at night. At one point I thought it was that the Enemy wanted me awake long hours so I’d give in. Now I wonder if it’s only during the late hours that I can find time for the silence I need to spend time with the Lord.

Thank you for your prayers. I continue to struggle, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. For all who struggle, may you struggle mightily, as if your very life depended on it.

God bless you.

 

[PaulGH]

Just a note. I’ve come back to visit during a time of great temptation. The stress of work and a number of other things - financial burdens, health concerns, problems in the extended family - keep me up late at night. At one point I thought it was that the Enemy wanted me awake long hours so I’d give in. Now I wonder if it’s only during the late hours that I can find time for the silence I need to spend time with the Lord.

Thank you for your prayers. I continue to struggle, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. For all who struggle, may you struggle mightily, as if your very life depended on it.

Thank your for starting this thread. I don’t struggle with the same temptations that you do, but I know what it is like to struggle with sexual temptation, and it can be very difficult – especially when one is initially trying to break away from sexual sin. I pray that God will give you the strength that you need to overcome temptation.