For potential feedback on a novel I'm writing

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TheWiseMan

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Two weeks ago, I sent four people a copy of a Catholic YA novel that I am writing So far, they have yet to read it. While it is understandable that they are busy, I pray that they will have a chance to provide me some feedback.

Here’s a synopsis:
Fourteen year old Harold Brotzman seemed like any other young American Catholic. But unlike his peers, he lives with guilt over his family’s former ties to the Waffen-SS, Hitler’s elite paramilitary unit. Harold thought his past was behind him until one summer night in June 2011.
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Two Hitler Youth teens, a boy and girl pair, approach him with a vindictive proposal: lead a growing movement dedicated to restoring America’s Catholic schools and its former glory. Determined to clear his family’s name, he mobilizes fellow peers, while forging alliances with various Catholic organizations. Success came a year later. However, conflict between two Catholic youth movements explodes into an all-out Culture War.
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Taking the helm as its leader, Harold is in the hot seat of the ‘Republic Program,’ the apparatus behind the rebirth. At the same time, his mysterious cohorts compel him to embark on a quest of self-discovery. Will he ever find the truth? Can he lead his peers in the defense against tides of external and internal threats?
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Please pray I will receive additional feedback for this novel. It’s a promising story, that I had spent my Catholic high school years writing.

With Hearty Greetings,
-TWM
 
Your blurb is confusing.

The Hitler Youth kids are leading a Catholic Hitler Youth movement?

And this will somehow clear the main character’s family name, to join this Hitler Youth thing?

What year is this taking place – 2011? How is some kid consumed with guilt four generations after WWII? Embarrassment and shame, sure, but guilt? (Why, yes, I am a nitpicker… And he could feel guilty, of course, but you might want to save that aspect for the novel and put the shame in the blurb.)

Also, what the heck is vindictive about starting a Hitler Youth group, unless it involves a plan of vengeance? That is a wasted adjective, as well as implying justification for their actions.

Seriously, you have made this book sound like it is a Nazi book in the blurb, when my impression is that you want it to be anti-Nazi.

Write more clearly. Your idea needs to be crystal clear and sound amazing. (I am sure you have good ideas, but I want them to be easy to see in your marketing.)

PS - Don’t give up. My little brother waited months and never got any feedback from any of his friends who offered, except for me and our dad. He thought that meant his novel, The Sculpted Ship, was no good. It has been selling more than 100 copies a day on Amazon and collecting good reviews, so clearly people do want to read it!

It is just hard to get good editors or responsive beta readers, that’s all. Nothing to do with whether your friends like you or if the book is good.

Message me if you need some novel feedback, and I will pass along my email. I am a fast reader.
 
I agree with the first poster. Also, you do not need to say that the girl and boy are “a pair.” That seems “obvious” and one could also think that there is a sexual undertone. Also, sit down and make a clear outline of where the book starts, the middle and the end. Write in shorter sentences. The finest piece of literature was written by Abe Lincoln and was the Gettysburg Address. His sentence were an average of 7 words with a pause for “digestion” here and there. I would rather see you write a group forming to combate anti-racial, homelessness, or anti-abortion as they are really the issues of the day. Write what you know about and do some research. Clearly, you have not realized that a Hitler group would be at odds with a Catholic Youth group. Good luck and peace.
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
The Nazi era was terrible.

I never knew about Treblinka or Dachau until I was in my teens. I found out one day when I saw a magazine article with the crematoria and other atrocities.

It seems like people kept this under wraps in society at the time. It was never brought up in high school.

It demands quite a bit of knowledge to write effectively about it. Can you just imagine cremating a friend in one of those camps, someone you knew and cared about?

A thought: beware of “dangling modifiers”. They are funny, but not to be used in writing. I used to get a kick out of them: Walking down the street, a building was seen…you get the idea.
 
Prayer for Success

Almighty God, Whose hands hold all matters of life,
we implore you to give TheWiseMan the grace
of success in his work and his life. Help him
to give his work careful thought
and strict attention. Watch over him and govern
his actions so that he will serve You to the best
of his ability. Show him how to give his best in
all things, and let him not despise the toil that is
necessary to complete it. Most of all, give him
the blessing of Your help and guidance, so that
he will live his life according to Your will.
In Jesus’ name, amen.

:gopray2:

​

​
 
Uh, to clear things up for other people reading this thread. [Man, I can’t believe no told me that blurb was misleading. Someone should have told me this sooner.]

First of all, the book is anti-NS. The main character is guilty because of the actions these Hitler Youths are doing in contemporary America. After being coerced into being their pawn, he is forced to play their game. The memories of what his family is coming back and now he has to clean up their act and live normal lives.

In a way, the plot can be summed up like this: “You are now in America, not Hiter’s Germany. It’s time to grow up and leave that past behind. With the way things are going in America now, there’s our chance for overdue atonement.”

Then again, I have to admit: this forum is never the best place to discuss about these things. I should never run my mouth, and let this slide without providing some context.

-TWM
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
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