For singles: Why are you single?

[francesca_gen]

Being young is relative. I’m probably old to some, young to others. Anyway, I’ll stop beating around the bush. I’m 29. I guess I’m pretty set in my ways. After my sister’s wedding a couple of years ago, I came up with the idea that if I ever get stuck at another wedding reception (both of my siblings are married so I don’t see that happening) I would type up a flier with all the relevant information about myself, such as where I’m working, what I think of my job, that I’ve completed school, that I am not married, that I do not have a girlfriend, that I’m not gay, and all that kind of boring stuff, etc. I’d keep a stack of them at my table and I’d hand them out to people who wanted to talk to me out of nothing more than a sense of social obligation.

I know what you’re thinking, “But what if they really cared about you?” Well, to that I would say that someone (assuming most of the people at a sibling’s family is also family or a friend of the family) who only tries to initiate conversation with me at a wedding, probably doesn’t really care about me. How else could one explain why they have made no effort to establish a relationship in the prior years? How does it benefit either them or me to talk about stuff that is so meaningless, boring and tedious?

Now, if someone were to come over and ask if I caught the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica or Lost, or if I’ve gone fishing lately, who the best candidate for president it, etc that’s another thing altogether. That’s actually an interesting topic that I can go on and on about. The problem is that at a function like that, not too many people are going to be talking about “interesting” topic. For me, when I’m conversing, it’s all about the topic. The “act” of conversing or the person I’m conversing with is beside the point.

OK, I do talk about feelings when IN a relationship, and I think one must, but I definitely second your thoughts above. My family, oddly, has still never figured out that asking an open-ended question about an interesting topic is the way to get me to talk with them happily and comfortably. They prefer generally to pepper me with the kind of questions that could be answered by your flyer. Or even sillier, more nitty-gritty/annoying things… my aunt asked me the other day if I’d USED MY EGGBEATER RECENTLY.

:banghead:

But ask an open-ended question about a real topic, and it’s different.

OK, add “periodically cranky” to “heavy, moderately unattractive introvert” to my list of singlehood-inducers!

Francesca

 

[Bataar]

I can see your point on some of this stuff about conversation and I’m trying to be open-minded and understanding, from your point of view, BUT

“small talk” which you got annoyed with at the reception has a purpose, it is the polite way to gently approach a person and show an interest in them…by talking about what seems like unimportant neutral topics, they are respecting a person’s space, approaching in a non-threatening way and just making an opening for social interaction generally…also people like to know or refresh themselves about the basics and share the same to orient themselves to who they are talking to…again this is a basic social skill they are using and it is considered polite…

I agree. And if a person is interested in maintaining a relationship with another person, I totally understand where you’re coming from. For example, I’m at my sister’s wedding reception and a second or third cousin (that I haven’t seen or talked to for several years) comes over and asks me how my job is going. I do have great social skills and am able to engage them in conversation and ask them how they’re doing, etc and they have no idea they’re boring me to tears.

Now, if it’s a person who I know is interesting in maintaining some semblance of a relationship, I’m more than happy to talk with them. But when someone like that cousin asks me how my job is, I’m really wondering why they want to know. If it was something they were actually interested in, I would think they would have called me to ask sometime between now and the last time they saw me. They don’t really care, they’re asking for no other reason than social norms say you’re supposed to. And 5 minutes after that conversation end, another relative I haven’t seen or heard from (or sometimes even know they exist) comes over and the process repeats itself. I hate repeating myself.

noone will know you are into galactica etc…until they get to know you a bit and would be odd or at least a very rare coincidence if they just suddenly started a converstion about your favorite topic…

Again, you’re absolutely correct. That’s why I really only make an effort to get to know people at events that center around my hobbies and interests. It drastically eliminates the amount of small talk required. The fact that they’re at said event shows they have a common interest.

when talking to women, small talk is a polite non-threatening way to apporoach…I wouldn’t like a guy to approach me and say “Let’s forget all the trivial BS, I’m looking to get a date - what do you think about me” or even getting onto his favorite topic “Let me tell you about the last episode of galactica” without exploring who I am or what I might be interested in…you might be considered a bore frankly!

That’s why I would only go out of my way to talk to a woman in the context of an event/subject that we both shared an interest in. That has to be there for me to engage in conversation. If I’m wading a river, fly fishing my favorite stream and go around a bend and a woman is there fishing (yes, it has happened), I’d have no problem talking to her because it’s obvious we have a similar interest and we could start talking without having to small talk.

Social niceties might seem trivial or a waste of time but they have a purpose and showing you have basic social skills and can engage in the generally normal way, at least at first shows you are thoughtful and considerate and makes people comfortable…

True, but it’s not a very accurate way to measure people. Like I said, I can and do engage in conversations, I have great social skills, I just hate doing it.

I could probably say more, but I’ll leave it at that. I am thinking you are comfortable as a bachelor and maybe called to be a career bachelor and that is the right thing for some guys…or you are venting your frustrations/resentments about the whole business! Which admittedly can be a pain but you have to make effort and be creative to find a way to enjoy it.

We obviously don’t know the future so I very well could be destined to be a bachelor for life. Or, I could meet the woman God wants me to on a quite river someplace. Honestly, I don’t care either way. I have no frustrations, anger, or resentment.

Otherwise, not sure how you could realistically meet and pursue eligible women if you want to communicate with flyers etc… I’ve often thought of ordering a guy from a catalogue, ha ha, that would be easier than dating but not probably realistic…you could put an ad in the church bulleting “Non-talking woman sought, occasional discussion on galactica tolerated but only at my initiation…no dating…call my lawyer and review written conditins of contract if interested. I’m busy so won’t be able to meet until the wedding, unless you enjoy group bowling outings, but you’ll have to buy your own pizza.” What do you think? Is that a start?

I gotta say, that was pretty funny. I’ll freely admit, I have no realistic way to meet women. Hence the reason I’m single. At this point, I don’t think I’m meant to be in a relationship because I don’t see how both of us would be happy. Granted, there’s that one tenth of one percent chance I’ll meet a woman that would be a perfect match for me, but the odds are so minuscule it is pointless to even count on it. The vast majority of women would probably be bored to tears with me or I’d be secretly angry and bored trying to accommodate them. Ergo, no dating for me.

BTW, I wonder what your sisters think…they’ve probably had something to say on the topic,no doubt…

Oh, well, off to work…

She didn’t say anything because she didn’t know anything about it. I’m an excellent actor.

 

[francesca_gen]

“small talk” which you got annoyed with at the reception has a purpose, it is the polite way to gently approach a person and show an interest in them…by talking about what seems like unimportant neutral topics, they are respecting a person’s space, approaching in a non-threatening way and just making an opening for social interaction generally…also people like to know or refresh themselves about the basics and share the same to orient themselves to who they are talking to…again this is a basic social skill they are using and it is considered polite…
…
Social niceties might seem trivial or a waste of time but they have a purpose and showing you have basic social skills and can engage in the generally normal way, at least at first shows you are thoughtful and considerate and makes people comfortable…

Y’know, having just responded to say I knew how he felt, I have to concede your points. I don’t enjoy small talk much, but mostly when it’s a) from my family, who DO already know me and/or b) really, really trivial. I think you can observe the social niceties and yet bring up an interesting topic or two.

But no, I don’t snarl at strangers who make polite conversation. (The aunt who was so curious about my eggbeater got something of a blank look.) I would find it exhausting after several hours to keep this sort of conversation up (as at a wedding reception with many different people asking the same set of questions).

I’m a little concerned (and this has nothing to do with dating per se) because I’ve agreed to be on the parish council for the next three years, and I imagine there is going be quite a lot of small talk required!

And, just to be *completely *hypocritical , if a guy I fancy wants to ask me a barrage of pointless questions just because he wants to talk with me… I’ll make an exception to my general dislike of small talk! LOL.

I know you have to go through the small talk to get to anything more significant. It’s just hard sometimes.

 

[francesca_gen]

I feel invisible in my parish, though. Every homily starts with a “funny” story about small children and their “funny” antics…yawn…, only married people can bring up the gifts, do the readings and such.

Only married people can bring up the gifts and be lectors?!

 

[agapewolf]

I do have great social skills and am able to engage them in conversation and ask them how they’re doing, etc and they have no idea they’re boring me to tears.

Now, if it’s a person who I know is interesting in maintaining some semblance of a relationship, I’m more than happy to talk with them.

.

well, thank goodness mother theresa saw value in the mangled crippled poor people who couldnt’ talk. Thank goodness she talked to them.

Did you ever ONCE think that things are NOT about you?

 

[Bataar]

well, thank goodness mother theresa saw value in the mangled crippled poor people who couldnt’ talk. Thank goodness she talked to them.

Did you ever ONCE think that things are NOT about you?

That’s a completely different issue. Helping people in need and enjoying a conversation with someone are very different issues.

 

[agapewolf]

That’s a completely different issue. Helping people in need and enjoying a conversation with someone are very different issues.

Actually, the same thing…different circumstance. We are put on this earth to LOVE…and sometimes, that’s holding a conversation with someone that bores us. Eventually, you can get to a point that you don’t see boredom, but you will be in absolute awe of the soul in front of you as a creation of God. You’ll be honored to speak with them. That’s how we love at the core of our being.

It’s not about you.

 

[jennifer67]

I don’t know…maybe there’s more going on here…are you making assumptions (you have referenced this) that everyone who makes small talk is insincere or phony or has either a lack of motive or a bad motive…

You know it isn’t that hard usually to get quickly past the small talk onto a variety of topics that are more interesting, but then you say you typically don’t want any kind of relationshp with most people who talk to you…

Do you understand that there are different levels of relationships and engaging in conversation doesn’t mean you are going to join a commune with them? Yet, even a short interaction can be meaningful and sincere…don’t have to be so black and white…

I don’t know maybe I am naive, but there must be something salvageable in your approach but I think I have hit a wall …

Do you do any volunteer work/service at all? Just curious…

 

[Bataar]

Actually, the same thing…different circumstance. We are put on this earth to LOVE…and sometimes, that’s holding a conversation with someone that bores us. Eventually, you can get to a point that you don’t see boredom, but you will be in absolute awe of the soul in front of you as a creation of God. You’ll be honored to speak with them. That’s how we love at the core of our being.

It’s not about you.

If you read my previous posts, you’d see that I do hold conversations that bore me. Take the wedding example I used. When people came to talk to me, I engaged in conversation with them. Are you saying that the fact that I found it extremely boring was wrong? Or, did you misunderstand me and believe I refused to talk? If something bores me, I can’t help that.

 

[jennifer67]

Bored is bored - can’t deny it. I get really really bored at Happy Hours I must admit so all my friends go without me. I honestly have a hard time with Happy Hour Conversations which revolve around talking about all the other Happy Hours they have been to, how much they drank…and you have to talk really loud or strain to hear over the music…I tend to get on boring subjects like talking about my work and so I am like this lump of coal or drone or something sitting there…I no longer join in…I guess I also have a penchant for deeper conversations on interesting stuff but since I am a woman there are a lot of “chick” type topics that interest me (like how my best friend can stand her husband’s really long untidy beard that btw gives out the wrong impression in the workplace) now really that one is uncharitable and I honestly don’t get that catty too often…we’re really not that prone to nasty gossip…although I just revealed some uncharitable thoughts…shame on me…

I’ve just never been bored to that degree with small talk but I am an extrovert and it only takes me about 30 seconds to get on a topic I am more interested in…Of course, most women can get interested in almost anything…

I had a guy share with me that men feel women often talk nonsense and also get onto talking about their exes and such making men believe they are “head cases” ha ha.

So I am trying to empathize with the poor guys and think of more neutral topics myself…I’m even consulting a book about the subject…

None of us are pros or enjoy all aspects of social interaction…

 

[Bataar]

I don’t know…maybe there’s more going on here…are you making assumptions (you have referenced this) that everyone who makes small talk is insincere or phony or has either a lack of motive or a bad motive…

You know it isn’t that hard usually to get quickly past the small talk onto a variety of topics that are more interesting, but then you say you typically don’t want any kind of relationshp with most people who talk to you…

Do you understand that there are different levels of relationships and engaging in conversation doesn’t mean you are going to join a commune with them? Yet, even a short interaction can be meaningful and sincere…don’t have to be so black and white…

I don’t know maybe I am naive, but there must be something salvageable in your approach but I think I have hit a wall …

Do you do any volunteer work/service at all? Just curious…

I just believe talking should be used for the exchange of relevant information. I can take a little bit of chit chat but when a conversation gets to the point where it’s 98% content free, I usually need to exit. Even with my good friends it’s the same. I’ll call them up, set a date to do an activity (go to a movie, play a game, watch a game (Mariners or Seahawks, depending on the season) etc. That’s it. If needed, we’ll work out extra details for the event but there’s not really any chit chat. Same at the actual event. If none of us has anything relevant to say then no one says anything. There’s no such thing as an awkward silence. That’s a total myth. We’ll talk about the event and things that relate to the event or plan beyond that, but that’s usually about it.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t necessarily how I’d want to be, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried being “normal” and acting the way you’re “supposed” to act and it was absolutely miserable. Later this year, 2 of my friends are going to be moving away and that is really irritating because I don’t have viable way to make new ones. Finding single guys in my age group that share common interests and have the time to devote to a good friendship is a hard thing to do. For better or worse, it’s the way I am. I’ve prayed about it and continue to do so but nothing has changed so I can only assume God made me this way for a reason.

 

[jennifer67]

Well, it may be so. As I’ve said a silent guy tried to date me and he was very decent and I like him but I am so outgoing his silence made me nervous as I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I mean he did ask me out and so on and then once I agreed to start dating him, he just clammed up. I ended up talking nervously on and on about all sorts of subjects which made things awkward for both of us…

so I guess you can be too much the other way, too, which I struggle with sometimes…maybe that’s worse…

But there have been lots of quiet guys in the world and they manage to make friends and also meet mates so there’s hope of course…

Maybe you could get involved in your Church if that interests you…but there are few singles in the Churches at least from my experience…

Are there any women at these galactica conferences and such…seems you need to meet up with one of them who is like you…then you both could avoid boring social events together…as well as split the grocery bill, divide up chores and maybe get a dog or something…or maybe start with just a fish…they don’t demand any attention or interaction…

well, that’s all for now…

 

[Ohwesty]

Being single used to bother me. Now that I’m older I consider myself blessed. I know I could never be a nun. I don’t like living in community and I don’t like rules. I have to set my own schedule for mealtimes, prayer time, bedtime, social life, etc,

For the same reason that I wouldn’t make a good nun, I probably wouldn’t make a good marriage partner. So… I am single. Today it’s a choice. I couldn’t say that when I was younger.

• Westy

 

[Salonika]

I think the 30s must be a difficult time to be single… And found ourselves left out of discussions and events which often centered on kids. Now, I’m well into middle age, and this is less of a problem.

Yes, I found there were a lot more comments about me being single than there were in my 20’s and have been since.

In my 30’s was told that I should not leave it much longer before marrying or I wouldn’t be able to have children or would be too old to enjoy them! Also got comments about being selfish not giving my parents (I am an only) grandchildren. (That was never an issue for them.)

Something else that was interesting at the stage was some people either thrusting children on me to hold or making the comment that they wouldn’t ask me to hold a child because I clearly didn’t like them because I hadn’t married.

 

[chevalier]

Unfortunately for a man who dislikes talking, most women use talking to bond. I try to be mindful of the difference between talking to my girlfriends - “chick talk” and talking to a guy. I even recently ordered a Catholic book online regarding dating that talks about conversation…to have more neutral topics for converstion…

I always inevitably drift onto philosophical tracks and at that point most women look around for someone more connected with here and now. But that’s fine.

Women will want you to pay attention to them and show you are interested though. That has to be consistently demonstrated over time.

Yeah, that’s so true. I have actually picked random places where to meet just to pick fast and be decisive. However, it’s a bit of a silent dream to find one that will not think any ill of my occasional spending long minutes picking a dish from the cart or a gift for someone or some such.

And I still think at least for me it is important for the man to show he can initiate and plan things at least at first to demonstrate yoru interest, ability to pursue/initiate…you just can’t progress eventually if everything is a group “date.”

In turn, I’d rather pursue than demonstrate the ability to pursue. This is the same feeling as of a fighter who doesn’t want to fight for the amusement of those who don’t fight. I generally don’t want to show myself as having initiative and decisive abilities as if it were a job interview - any joob soon becomes too small for my initiative anyway. I’d much rather leave people to their own free will and see them do what they freely want to do without using my leadership abilities on them to an effect more compelling than inspiring. Perhaps I’ll die without offspring, but it’s not like I have a kingdom to pass.

I read on another site that women guard their hearts until they are sure a man is truly interested and capable of moving toward commitment. Men can show these things through their actions towards the women over time.

Yeah.

But what do I know - sometimes I think I am a dating blockhead! it’s not easy but have courage!

 

[HeWillProvide]

*The priest is very awkward with single women (he’s 45) and completely avoids all communication and eye contact (I must be a desperate female and therefore dangerous?) *

I definitely wouldn’t make this assumption. I’ve read about how many priests avoid looking at women too long as to avoid developing unchaste thoughts - I don’t know if I put that correctly, but it’s not you, it’s them. They are possibly “guarding their eyes.”

 

[jennifer67]

Well, thank you for sharing the thought about the priest…and his avoiding eye contact…

I have always been aware of his possibly perceiving a need to keep distance. I am 40 and also attended the same high school he did although I didn’t know him. Also, he entered the priesthood late so perhaps he had some dating experience and such in his younger years that would make him feel uncomfortable around women his age…or any single woman…

But it is hard to believe as I don’t perceive myself as possibly causing him any discomfort that way as I am a pretty ordinary looking middle aged woman…my close single female friend is 60 and over 300 pounds and one would think not a likely candidate to cause such feelings but perhaps it is his general practice…As she has been involved extensively with the parish for years she had more cause to interact and used to make attempts for brief conversation and such like he has with the married folks but has been rudely pushed away even in Confession…but I had previously advised her to leave a great distance around him as I do to allow him some comfort and now she does that, doing the speedy handshake thing once every few weeks… all the single women (there aren’t that many of us actually) go to Confession at another Parish where the priests are very nice and kind of fatherly toward us…

I hope this priest gets some relief from his discomfort. I’ll try to be charitable in my thoughts about him.

Still all of us single women do feel sad and sometimes complain about being this.

Anyway, I was reading materials on hope today in a spiritual magazine and I don’t think it is too healthy for me to dwell like this on things that are not positive or uplifting, so I should move on. There are lots of opportunities for me to expeirence my faith besides interacting with this Priest. Seems somehow that negative topics catch my eye sometimes due to the emotional aspect, but better not to get too carried away with that sort of thing…new to this and learning how to use these forums…

 

[Belgarion]

I have a friend who is going to be a priest.
He is so dedicated to the idea that he avoids going to dances etc.

He does like girls, but he is obviously giving that up for a greater (or just different) purpose.

Likewise, I once wanted to be a priest and even considered entering the priesthood. However, I’ve always wanted to be a husband and father. I’m very dedicated to the idea now. I wouldn’t go to a seminary

We just have to give up the other side of things to make room for our vocations.
It is quite different though…Not dating vs. not training to be a priest.

 

[jeaniemarie]

Do you know why you’re single? Is it because there are simply not any Catholic guys/girls around you? Do you not get asked out or do you not ask people out? Do you think it’s because of something you do or do not do, or is it because of what others do or do not do? Or is it just timing?

I’ve always left that in God’s hands. Even as a child I prayed that God’s perfect will be done in my life. I dated a lot in college including 2 or 3 very decent men who wanted to marry me. I never felt marriage was the right thing with any of them.

I truly believe that God knows what is best for me, and I hold fast to Proverbs 3:5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.”

There are times I wonder if I missed it but those are few and far between and I choose again to surrender my life and my will to the One who knows me best and loves me most. And then I count my blessings; they are many.

I have found tho that friendships are very important. Those of us who are single need to build our own “families”. In the book “Coming up for Air” by Margaret Becker, she talks about looking around at the people around you and deciding who you would like to have around 20 years from now. Focus on building those relationships and forming new ones. It has helped me immensley.

Blessings to you all.

 

[jdemnyan]

I am single because, in essence, that is what God wants of me. I have discerned this through much prayer and reflection. At some points along the way, it was very difficult to see if I really was called to the single state, but now, I have that same sense of knowing and peace in my heart as those who are called to marry have when they know they are with “the one.”

It is and has been a wonderful life so far. Though I realize that I will not be able to do or experience some things that married couples will, I am also cognizant that there are things I will achieve or could not do if I were married. Matrimony is a gift… but so is celibacy. Embrace whatever gift you have been given been from God with serenity, peace, and joy.