For singles: Why are you single?

[BCven86]

Lack of opportunities I believe is the reason for my current state of singleness. There is a massive, gaping hole in the world where there should be intelligent, faithful Catholic men. I know they must exist, but I have to meet any single, practicing Catholic since my conversion. I’m not willing to settle for someone with whom I do not share my faith and so I find myself without a husband and without even a single prospect in sight.
Good, single, Catholic men, where are you hiding?!?!

I could say the exact same thing about all you women! Why is it so hard to find faithful Catholics in this world? Everyone at Church always seems to be too old or too young (or taken). I never see anyone my age at daily Mass or Adoration. Hopefully some day…

 

[Kirsty33]

I’ve always left that in God’s hands. Even as a child I prayed that God’s perfect will be done in my life. I dated a lot in college including 2 or 3 very decent men who wanted to marry me. I never felt marriage was the right thing with any of them.

I truly believe that God knows what is best for me, and I hold fast to Proverbs 3:5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.”

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Thank you Jeaniemarie for your words of wisdom. I hope you are very blessed in your vocaiton to the single life

 

[rragai81]

i am in my 20+ , recently trying to find what is God’s true love. trying to understand God’s love by loving God above all, loving myself and people around me. easy to say but difficult to take an action.

twice attended vocation seminar and still not sure what is God’s calling for me. single, religous or marriage. still pray for His guide. i admit there is a feeling to have my own family but it is not my time yet. only when His time is come.

---

Rose
roseragai.blogspot.com
neofelisnebulosa.multiply.com

~Love can Transform the Severely Hurt Heart~
It was loneliness and insecurity that had brought us to the chaos of madness. It was community, love, and friendship that finally brought us inner peace. This movement from chaos to inner peace, from self-hate to self-trust, began when we realized that we were loved…

 

[GraceDK]

…I never see anyone my age at daily Mass or Adoration. Hopefully some day…

I see young men at Mass every Sunday… many of them are beautiful… and who is not beautiful when you see them praying ? But… that does not help me. When I am finished thanking Jesus after Mass and turn around the whole Church is void … all the chattering has died down and I am either alone or 1-2 other ladies are with me.
And even if there was a young man there praying… he would be talking to Jesus and what would I tell him?: “Ehh, excuse me… I know you are experiencing an intense moment infront of Christ right now, but I just wanna let you know that I am single and looking”… whats a woman to do in a minority Church at a parish with no fellowship?
I tell you… I would like a Catholic man ideally… But if I find a really beautiful evangelical soul I would be silly to sit here and not take the chance…

 

[Sheli]

I spent 30 years caring for my ill mother. She needed constant care, and that being the case, casual relationships were all that were available. That just wasn’t the type of relationship for me. Now, I have learned that I can be by myself. Now I think that as an individual I honestly have something real to offer another person. Some may say that that time has passed, but a dear friend told me many times over the years that God had some thing special in store for me, and I still believe that. I leave it in God’s hands, and know that our lives are a lesson in love.

Sheli

 

[onaquest]

I lived a life of dissipation in my twenties and was not looking to get married. After my conversion to the Catholic faith I have been in a long drawn out discernment process( mostly due to poor health) that may or may not end up with a religious vocation. I felt called by God so strongly that I try to nurture that initial vocation call.

I have tried to date to keep myself open to any vocation God might have in store for me. But none of them have been Catholic and all of them have had life issues that need to be resolved before serious involvment.

 

[pcd84]

Do you know why you’re single? Is it because there are simply not any Catholic guys/girls around you? Do you not get asked out or do you not ask people out? Do you think it’s because of something you do or do not do, or is it because of what others do or do not do? Or is it just timing?

There are many reasons, and some of them have already been mentioned, but I’ll add a few thoughts.

1. There aren’t enough Catholic girls around. I would go so far as to say that I have never met a devout Catholic girl in my age bracket. At least not nearby. I knew many while at graduate school, but they were all foreigners who went back to their country after graduation. I occasionally see a girl or two at an Easter or Christmas mass, but that doesn’t bespeak a very sincere faith. Everyone else is much older or younger.
2. I don’t get out much. I would, but there isn’t really much to do in the area and I can’t afford it (see the next point). What do 20-somethings do? And where do they go?
3. My career and circumstances. This is one that I haven’t seen mentioned before. My chosen life-long vocation is very uncommon and has proven unspeakably difficult. I couldn’t see myself with anyone who didn’t truly appreciate what I do and support me in it. Sadly, besides my immediate family, I don’t know anyone who does.
   Also, I’m currently in a transition period where I’m making practically nothing. This limits me and my activities in more ways than you can imagine. It’s a formidable impediment to all prospects of dating.
4. Lack of “social skills”. Due to my “natural shyness” and awfully convoluted and unrelenting circumstances that isolate me, I have become “socially challenged”. I am especially at a loss when it comes to small talk and I don’t follow pop culture.
5. Lack of common interests. Like the above two points, and possibly because of them, I almost never meet people with my interests. And if I do, they aren’t Catholic. What would we talk about?
6. No girl I have ever liked has been interested in me; at least any more than as a friend or acquaintance. I have never been on an ‘official’ date. The only people ever to express any particular interest in me me where – to my certain knowledge – slutty and disturbing. Those types scare me; and I have never understood why they approached me.

 

[Vman358]

Number/letter does not necessarily mean important to me:

1. I am still in college and don’t have the time or money to have a girlfriend—I don’t pray much for this area of my life.
2. I have specific minimum criterion and I have not found many women [around 21] that have them:

a) Catholic–not culturally Catholic, but actually believes & lives the Faith. Ukrainian Catholic Byzantine Rite would be nice. Culturally Ukrainian and speaking the language would be nice too, but these Ukrainian things are just perks. Very few Ukrainians I’ve met actually believe in what they’re taught; it is usually done as a cultural custom.

b) Conservative.

c) Not on medication for psychological stuff. I’m sick of all this ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, blah, blah blah. My patience has been spent in tolerating these in a potential wife.

d) Same view of raising kids–none of this “time-out” junk, but good old spanking. Also, we raise the kids and get involved in what they learn and do. None of this daycare or nanny raising our kids, or not reinforcing what they learn at school (specifically religious ed).

e) Complimentary personality–I am usually shy at first, but once I feel comfortable, I tend to take things to the edge. I need someone willing to push me, but not let me go too far.

f) Willing to improve one’s self. If you’re fat, exercise. If you feel sad, get happy. If something is wrong, fix it, if it can be fixed. Don’t just complain about it. Don’t say, “I don’t want to fix it, I just want you to listen.”
i) Willing to push me to improve me. Sort of goes along with “e).”

g) I can take them out in public; they’re not socially awkward. This ties with c), e), and f). I can evangelize, do apologetics, and have fun with them.

h) I like them.

1. I have not discerned whether I should even get married. This could be the big one.
2. I have to fix some things about me spiritually, first. This is sort of big too.

This may seem a bit dry, but these are usually things that drive a break-up in my relationships, except 2)h). I arranged “2)” the way it is to show that the more standards one has, the harder it is find someone. I may have too many, but I would rather be single my whole life than be with the wrong person.

 

[ladylinguist]

I could say the exact same thing about all you women! Why is it so hard to find faithful Catholics in this world? Everyone at Church always seems to be too old or too young (or taken). I never see anyone my age at daily Mass or Adoration. Hopefully some day…

I see so many posts where the women say that they can’t find any devout Catholic men and an equal number of posts where men say they can’t find their female counterparts. How is that none of us ever seem to cross paths in the real world?

 

[Magicsilence]

I see so many posts where the women say that they can’t find any devout Catholic men and an equal number of posts where men say they can’t find their female counterparts. How is that none of us ever seem to cross paths in the real world?

1. This site attracts many of the devout Catholics around the world, so the proportion to that you would typically see in society (or even in Church) is not really similar.
2. Whereas on a website you could read any of the posts and think ‘oh, he/she could be a potential spouse’, in real life you are more likely to make a judgement on whether or not you find the person physically attractive.
3. You never really know if someone at Church is truly single, or in a relationship, or even married.
4. It’s easier online

 

[Thunderbird]

1. This site attracts many of the devout Catholics around the world, so the proportion to that you would typically see in society (or even in Church) is not really similar.
2. Whereas on a website you could read any of the posts and think ‘oh, he/she could be a potential spouse’, in real life you are more likely to make a judgement on whether or not you find the person physically attractive.
3. You never really know if someone at Church is truly single, or in a relationship, or even married.
4. It’s easier online

Truth.

 

[John_AH]

I see so many posts where the women say that they can’t find any devout Catholic men and an equal number of posts where men say they can’t find their female counterparts. How is that none of us ever seem to cross paths in the real world?

Here is maybe an idea. Why don’t we ware something says we are singe just like married people have rings to say they are married.

Like one of those Pro-life or abstinence bracelets that says “devoted catholic single and looking”.

Or we all pony up the money and join a singles site, not post pictures, and fall in love with the soul first.

Just some ideas

God’s servant,
John Anthony

 

[Morwenna]

Here is maybe an idea. Why don’t we ware something says we are singe just like married people have rings to say they are married.

Like one of those Pro-life or abstinence bracelets that says “devoted catholic single and looking”.

Or we all pony up the money and join a singles site, not post pictures, and fall in love with the soul first.

Just some ideas

God’s servant,
John Anthony

If you’d like to join in prayer for CAF singles who are seeking spouses, please read here:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=3927469&postcount=204

If you’d like to be added to our list, please let me know either by posting or by PM

 

[Belgarion]

Here is maybe an idea. Why don’t we ware something says we are singe just like married people have rings to say they are married.

Like one of those Pro-life or abstinence bracelets that says “devoted catholic single and looking”.

oooh…I’d buy that!!

That’s a good idea!!

 

[onaquest]

I’ve posted before but I really think God hasn’t given me anyone yet. I wonder if it is that I am called to religious life. I felt the call strongly a few years ago and then I became ill with the mental disorder bipolar. That’s enough to keep anyone single and wandering dazed and confused as to what God’s will is for them.

I have felt drawn to a man that is not in any position to be in a relationship. So I see my attraction as just another closed door to married life.

I don’t believe in single life. I think it is something you are stuck with. A cross, a stigma, a cooperation with lonliness. I feel that if I don’t marry or if I don’t commit to religious life I will have lived half a life. One that did not produce new life but lived off the life of others.

 

[jeaniemarie]

I don’t believe in single life. I think it is something you are stuck with. A cross, a stigma, a cooperation with lonliness. I feel that if I don’t marry or if I don’t commit to religious life I will have lived half a life. One that did not produce new life but lived off the life of others.

Wow, that’s really depressing. But let me ask you a few questions:

1. Have you willingly and whole-heartedly submitted your life to God?
2. If so, do you believe that God is able to fulfill His purpose in your life?

I believe it’s in Jeremiah 29 (I may be off a chapter or two) God says that He knows the plans He has for you - plans for good, not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

In Psalms it says that when we delight ourselves in the Lord He will give us the desires of our hearts. Along with a verse in one of Paul’s epistles it says that God causes us both to will and to do of His good pleasure. He will cause His desires for your life to become your desires and then He will take pleasure in fulfilling every one.

Be strong and courageous - rejoice in all that God has already done for you. Put your hope and trust in Him and you will not be disappointed. Remember - He is crazy in love with you!

Peace

 

[Sierrah]

I’ve posted before but I really think God hasn’t given me anyone yet. I wonder if it is that I am called to religious life. I felt the call strongly a few years ago and then I became ill with the mental disorder bipolar. That’s enough to keep anyone single and wandering dazed and confused as to what God’s will is for them.

I have felt drawn to a man that is not in any position to be in a relationship. So I see my attraction as just another closed door to married life.

I don’t believe in single life. I think it is something you are stuck with. A cross, a stigma, a cooperation with lonliness. I feel that if I don’t marry or if I don’t commit to religious life I will have lived half a life. One that did not produce new life but lived off the life of others.

I agree with some of what you are saying but the half life part. Life is pretty much what you make it. The religious life shouldn’t be entered into just because you don’t foresee any marriage prospects. Also just because you remain single doesn’t make you less of a person either it just means that you are called to something else. I just wish I knew what work I was called to do. If I could only find my calling then I would be happy. Another thing I don’t believe we are just called to one path in life some are called to travel many pathways.

 

[onaquest]

I agree with some of what you are saying but the half life part. Life is pretty much what you make it. The religious life shouldn’t be entered into just because you don’t foresee any marriage prospects. Also just because you remain single doesn’t make you less of a person either it just means that you are called to something else. I just wish I knew what work I was called to do. If I could only find my calling then I would be happy. Another thing I don’t believe we are just called to one path in life some are called to travel many pathways.

Religious life isn’t on the table because I haven’t found a man. Religious life is an option that has been offered to be by God. I’m pretty sure any dating I do is a looking over my shoulder like Lot’s life and the longer I wait to commit to it the saltier I get. But I am still debating with God over religious life and I fooling myself to think that I can hold out for an offer that fits into my life. That may be my distaste of single life. I will have known there was something else I was to do. When you wrote about knowing what you are called to do it resonated in me. It made me more open to the idea that it dosen’t matter the state your in if your doing what your called to do. I’ll tell you the truth ----I’m dragging my feet to enter the monastery because I smoke cigarettes and I don’t want to give them up. THey are why I am single.

 

[Friday13thAngel]

I don’t know. I live in Waco, where there are very few Catholics, and have been invited to more singles sorts of things from other Christians than from my own parish. If you have no family, there is a terrible disconnect, and there is nothing for Catholic singles in my area for fellowship. The only Catholic men I meet are married. I am in my early 40’s and most of the men I meet are lazy jobless alcoholic bums who also do drugs, and expect “their woman” to be the breadwinner. I have had 2 marriage proposals from men I was serious with, but one was after dating a guy for less than a month while I was still in high school ( he never said he loved me and I think he just wanted to move into a “physical” relationship–no way!), and the other was from the main love of my life, but we were both in the military and he wanted to elope, which we would have had to have gone AWOL to do (I doubt he was serious anyway). After the military, I had a “re-conversion” and worked 2 and 3 jobs to try to survive. During this time, it seemed I was propositioned by men way younger than myself all of the time–underage guys–horrible! Then in my 30’s I was frequently propositioned by married men, who would use lines like, “My wife’s plumbing is out of order, I’m so lonely.” Revolting!!! After turning down many offers of that sort, I went through a period where guys would tell me that I was too poor and/or ugly…no dates at all. I put myself through nursing school, and have been so busy since that it is hard to do anything else. Also, if you are single for a long time, you don’t get the same sort of privileges, and even promotions at work–you get the worst shifts and the people with families and/or children get the best shifts and more excused unofficial time off, but if you’re single, they think, why everything must be easier for you since you only have to take care of yourself. In friendships, it is you, the single person, who must always accomodate yourself for the convenience of your married friends, which is always expected and never appreciated. Plus most people look at you as if you are the oddest creature alive if you’ve never been married or had children, especially since most people who have them nowadays do so without benefit of marriage. I have also tried different online dating services which have been disasterous for me; I have been poor most of my life, and reading the bios of some of the guys there is terribly intimidating!
At the same time, I have always known that I should be married, and used the discernment that St. Francis gave to his brother monk who left for the same reason.

I ache when I see children or babies.

I am sure this sounds very negative. I am actually very positive and trust in Jesus and know that one day I will find my husband. It is just that the sands of my biological clock is running out, and I am very lonely for my husband to be the older I get.

 

[Salonika]

After turning down many offers of that sort, I went through a period where guys would tell me that I was too poor and/or ugly…no dates at all.

Why some people need to put others down in this way, I have no idea and most of them, I hope, have don’ have any idea of the damage they can so. Surely “I don’t want to come on a date with you is sufficient.”

Also, if you are single for a long time, you don’t get the same sort of privileges, and even promotions at work–you get the worst shifts and the people with families and/or children get the best shifts and more excused unofficial time off, but if you’re single, they think, why everything must be easier for you since you only have to take care of yourself.

Yes, this does hapen and sometimes it is so subtle some people say you are imagining it. I’t’s happened to me and when I commented, after it happening a bit, I’ve been told that I should be more understanding of the needs of people with children. I think it needs to be both ways.

There’s also the cumulative effect offthis expectation which can lead people to think we are being unreasonable ot too thin skinned.

Plus most people look at you as if you are the oddest creature alive if you’ve never been married or had children,

I’ve found that has lessened over time - both as a result of changes in social attitudes (but there still enclaves of it) and once we women get to a certain age people can now longer tell us we should get married and have children.

At the same time, I have always known that I should be married.

Don’t know what else to say but this must make not being married and having children more difficult to bear.