I’m over 50 now and never married because I came from a sick, abusive family and didn’t learn healthy intimacy – so my skill at discerning a potential partner’s ability to relate was extremely weak.
I’m not unattractive, have dated hundreds of men, and have done things with my life (travelled, explored, have a professional job, etc) but every man I got close to tried to control me. I don’t mean overt control – although some did seem to get comfortable enough that they felt they could give me orders. But those I could easily spot and send on their way! No, the ones that broke my heart were the ones who were more insidious, and together with my cluelessness about intimacy, it was a toxic mix.
I have learned since what was wrong.
When they would tell me what I felt, what I thought, what my motivations and intentions were, I THOUGHT that was intimacy. They would say things like “You weren’t listening,” -or- “You’re just embarrassed,” and I would feel vaguely uncomfortable inside, but I thought… this is a potential partner, I need to be open to criticism, and isn’t intimacy where someone knows you better than you know yourself? And… maybe I need to look at my listening skills or my pride…
So I would do that, and change. But the more these kinds of comments occurred, the worse I would feel about myself.
So I started kindly and respectfully correcting the misconceptions, for example that I really WAS listening, and I really WASN’T embarrassed, plus trying to explain what really WAS going on with me on those occasions.
But the reactions I got, to reporting the truth about myself, were universal rejection. It seems those men, who I had allowed to get close, were more interested in finding someone to play a role in the movie inside their head than in actually relating to me.
I also learned that a lot of people (not only men), will try to define you, as a way of diminishing, erasing, and pushing the real you aside so that your body can (hopefully) become a vehicle for their “dream person” (aka puppet). As long as you act according to their script, things are okay. But if you start going off course, still respectfully, not out of bounds, just not on their script… there’s no room at the table for who you really are.
What I know now is that NO ONE except God has a special access door into my head or heart, such that they can just waltz in, check everything out, evaluate it, and give a report. The Bible says that a man and woman will BECOME one – it doesn’t say how long that will take. I think it’s intended to be an ongoing process, practiced every day, getting closer and closer… arriving is not the point, practicing is.
But we live in this instantaneous world, and honestly (not to be sexist) but women have been men’s property for thousands of years. Typically women have not been related to – we have been treated like children, sweet little girls who happen to be pretty and who offer opportunities for sex.
My experience is that men and women don’t usually, really, want to KNOW each other – they just want to merge, “become one,” and live their personal movie, with the other person acting out the leading role. Getting to know another person means accommodating, even embracing their strangeness, their uniqueness, and their differentness – not just hope that everything stays comfy and that they continue to act like your teddy bear.
When an old boyfriend would blow my concerns off the table I would say he needed to grow a bigger table! Isn’t that the challenge of love? It causes us to grow bigger hearts.
It has taken me almost 52 years to figure out that relating is an exchange of information which can only happen between two separate and distinct individuals. If one prefers making a puppet of the other, then there is no relationship, because there is no exchange. The puppetmaster is only talking to their puppet.
I’m glad I learned this! I hope every young woman or man learns to recognize when a potential partner is “running a movie” or when they are truly interested in them, in who they are. The biggest clue is if they start to tell (or insinuate) that they know what you think, what you feel, what your motivations or intentions are, before asking. It’s not intimacy. It’s a ruse, and you have to name it right away, not let it slide and hope it gets better because it won’t.
If any of this interests you, I can suggest a fantastic book. It has an unfortunately simplistic title, inside it is much richer, including going into spirituality at the end. But I’m a reader and have read perhaps thousands of books like this, but I feel like this one is the missing link to everything. I have been reading it over and over for months and feel like I won’t need to read any more books like this now ever. It’s that good. It’s called “Controlling People,” by Patricia Evans. I think it should be a standard textbook for young people frankly, and I wish all priests would read it too, so they can help the people they counsel.
Thank you for listening!
I hope for someone who loves Christ above all else and who seeks to do His will in all things. I hope to find someone that would guide and strengthen me in my faith (but it would be mutual). Someone who is strong (with the strength that comes from faith and a firm relationship with Christ),a best friend- someone I can trust completely. I would also like to marry a Catholic as having the same beliefs is so important i.e. about the true meaning of marriage as a sacrament and about the Eucharist. It would also be important if one day, we are blessed with children
(not that I bothered to look)