For the Guys (Mostly): "Side Effects of NFP"

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journey137 said:
Ok, I’m not a guy and I’m not married yet, but I see you guys having communication issues with your wives articulating beautifully in your posts. Why can’t you just go through your posts, cut, and paste with appropriate editing and give your wife a note? If you’re not willing to say something I don’t understand how you plan on dealing with the issue. Don’t take this the wrong way and I don’t mean to be rude by saying this so if you take it that way, I’m sorry, but she can’t read your mind and if you don’t tell her there’s a problem and suggest a way to fix the problem, aren’t you just making the situation worse?
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It is much easier and safer, though maybe it should not be the sole way, to be anonymous, at least to find out if I/we are alone in some of this, esp, the more personal side of things. I needed to know if I am alone or “justified” in my feelings; if it is just me, then I just need to suck it up. If I am not alone, then there is some validation and I’m not completely crazy or selfish.
 
searching06 said:
It is much easier and safer, though maybe it should not be the sole way, to be anonymous, at least to find out if I/we are alone in some of this, esp, the more personal side of things. I needed to know if I am alone or “justified” in my feelings; if it is just me, then I just need to suck it up. If I am not alone, then there is some validation and I’m not completely crazy or selfish.
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IMHO it does not matter whether or not you and the other guys in similar situations are “justified” in your issues. Even if you were alone, there are obviously issues between you and your wife and that in and of itself validates the fact there is a problem. The way I see it, you have a problem and it needs fixed. Your wife is not willing to admit there is a problem. Maybe it is physically painful for her to have sex, maybe she was abused/raped, maybe she doesn’t like the way you perform, maybe she doesn’t like sex, maybe she doesn’t like the way she performs and is too embarrassed to ask you how to do it like you want… the list could go on and on which is why I suggested writing a note for her. She will always be able to come up with a defense, but what happens when she has to put her “defense” on paper and read it? At least for me, I can express myself more clearly when the person I’m talking to can’t see me (my emotion tends to get a little out of hand sometimes :o ), and over the five+ years my fiance and I have dated, we have definately worked out some major issues through emails and letters mostly because we can see how stupid our arguments are when we proofread our letters.

Don’t be upset about having a problem in your marriage. It happens to everyone; only be upset if it’s never dealt with. Here’s some prayers that you two (referring to all couples with this issue in their marriage) can work it out and can enjoy eachother fully - the way God intended 👍
 
Talk it out with your wife, and it would be a good idea to see a spiritual councilor who deals with this stuff about this.

I too recommend Christopher West, but more than Theology of the Body, John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility should be on your to-read list, as well as your wife’s. In fact, you could read it together.

Pax
 
Okay, some personal feedback.

I didn’t know where to post it, but I think in this thread it has the most relevancy.

My wife and I had a nice chat yesterday about this again. Somehow the conversation just happened and flowed nicely, definitely the Holy Spirit.

She has agreed to this:
During the non-fertile time, when we know that there is going to be a “window” to be intimate, the previous night I should make things extra special, no-sex, romantic. So, Romantic DVD, and snuggles on the couch.
She says that this will help her get into the mindset for the following day.

Now, this is great news. She is making an effort, acknowledging that things need to be addressed and gave me pointers on how to do it. I thank God for that.

But then, I have to take this further…especially here when I can be allowed to express myself:
During the fertile times, she can hardly keep her hands off of me…even though she knows it can’t go anywhere. My frustration is (besides the obvious frustration:) ) is that this is my wife as I used to know her…the one who wanted me. But this is the one I cannot have. I have to coax and work so hard to be intimate with someone who, if I didn’t do all these things, could not be bothered.

That is my problem with NFP. I miss my wife…the one I used to make love to.

And, one also has to wonder if the act itself will be more intimate? I do not think so, from past experiences…it will be the same old routine, going through the motions for a 10 minute session, leaving me unfulfilled at the end. And I try to break that routine too, but no luck yet…this will be my next mission…to get the passion back into our intimacy, now that there is a chance of intimacy.

And yes, I understand that if we are trying to avoid pregnancy at this time, there is only one other option…abstain completely.

I am very happy for the progress here, and I thank God for it, I really do, but those are my thoughts.

The good and the bad ones 🙂
 
Thanks for sharing the good news on progress, PenitentMan!

I know exactly how you feel about being “unfulfilled.” Didn’t matter how long it took or how ‘spontaneous’ it was or even whether I reached climax, I just wasn’t receiving the gift, if you know what I mean. In my case, the problem was me, not my husband. I had such anxiety that it would be not-so-great again that I wasn’t looking forward to the next time. I did three sessions with a Catholic counselor to work through some of my issues, and it has made a world of difference.

As awkward and embarrassing as it sounds, I find that insisting on praying (especially the rosary) beforehand really helps. The intimacy of praying together and deliberate call to bring God into the embrace is very valuable.
 
PM… I’m so glad to hear of this positive turn…
You and your wife will (continue to) be in my prayers.
 
1ke said:
And here is where it helps to have a man/woman translating devise.

DH gives me a short back rub in bed every night just before we go to sleep. It’s not sexual, but it’s intimate— it’s a woman thing, just trust me on this. It keeps me, the woman, emotionally connected all month long so that when the infertile time is there it’s not like he’s just all of a sudden wanting to touch me… there is really a psycholoical impact of that on women.

He doesn’t rub my back specifically for that reason-- he mainly does it because I like it 🙂 – but it has the impact on me of keeping that connection. It’s all in women’s heads, whereas it’s totally different for men.

👍
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Thanks 1ke for the translation! Something so simple and yet I forget it so often.

I just discovered this thread (actually, the whole website) because I was searching for anything that I could relate to my stress in ph3. Searching, PM, I’m with you guys all the way. Thanks for the discussion.

BTW, communication is very good between my wife and I. But this issue still exists, almost exactly as stated by the above gentlemen.

BTW2, we have medical reason to avoid pregnancy.

We have been praying and will continue to pray. Not so much praying together, maybe that’s our next step. And I’ll keep you guys in mind in those prayers.

:knight2:
 
PennitentMan said:
Thank you 🙂
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When you get right down to it, this is just plain silly. We’re all trying to please God so we’re going through this cycle with NFP and we’re MISERABLE!!

I don’t have the problems that some of these guys have. My wife and I both HATE NFP! She isn’t one of those wives who makes ME feel guilty about advances toward her, she wants it as badly as I do and we both just hate it.

NFP is supposed to make a person enjoy this “honeymoon period.” BULL. We had a great sex life before we became Catholics and now we feel like children of Puritans chained to our beds when we’re adults for crying out loud.

NFP is supposed to bring about this grace and chastity. BULL again. We think MORE about sex than we did before? We almost end up preoccupied with it?

NFP is supposed to make a marriage stronger. Instead we both get distraught, upset, she hates it, I hate it.

NFP is supposed to be 99.99999% reliable. BOLOGNA!! We’re have three kids in three years! We love em, cherish em, and would NEVER send em back, but at this rate, by age 50 we’ll be the Brady Bunch!

NFP is supposed to enhance romance. It doesn’t, it makes a person feel like they’re wasting their best years.

Now there are some ladies that are ok with this and are fine with leaving their husbands languishing in misery and making them feel guilty. That’s NOT my wife! She’s frisky, fun, and loves me deeply. We love to be together and NOT just sexually speaking. We’ve been married 8 years and are 100% in love like day one but NFP has been a real thorn and misery for our marriage.

The Catholic Church knows that 92% of Catholics use artificial birth control. They don’t bother to educate anyone in NFP or even talk about it because they know most Catholics don’t even want to hear about it. The 8% of Catholics, the hardcore orthodox folks that employ this lifestyle love to chastise and trash people who do use ABC. It empowers many of them and they feel a sense of pride and strength that the 92% are hypocrites and they being the 8% are on the right road.

I myself struggle with how I can remain a Catholic, miserable and living a lifestyle that goes against my conscience 100%. I don’t want to have 19 kids. I have two, soon to be three and that’s all we really want. Should I feel like a heathen for not wanting 16 more? Absolutely not. You don’t have to be the Osmonds to have a real, honest, loving, religious family. We’re not living out in the old west needing 23 kids to take care of the farm and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

It’s pretty ironic that there are TONS of guys on TV with erectile dysfunction taking medication who would give ANYTHING to be verile and sexually healthy. Here are us Catholic guys healthy and ready and willing but we have to be handcuffed by NFP.

Sorry to spoil the NFP love-fest that I hear so much on EWTN and all the orthodox forums but I’m sick to death of it.

And by the way, the SCARE TACTICS of the pro-NFP crowd are classic…

“You’ll end up being pro-abortion!! Birth control leads to a pro-abortion mindset!”
BULL: I’m pro-life 100% and so are a zillion Catholics and Evangelicals who walk the streets everyday protesting abortion. Birth control doesn’t necessarily make one turn into a killing machine

“The pill will cause heart attacks” If you check the research, that is with women who have taken it for decades. Also, the research is in its early stages. Finally, the pill actually prevents olvarian cancer. The Catholic radio channels never mention that.

“Couples practicing NFP have a lower divorce rate.”
Do they have a low divorce rate BECAUSE of NFP or just because they were loving and devoted to each other before they ever had sex anyway? I would NEVER divorce my wife…hell would freeze over first and I certainly wouldn’t change that if she took the pill?

Is procreation important in marriage. YES YES YES YES YES! Should it happen in every marriage? YES YES YES!
Must it be possible in EVERY single marital “embrace?” Jury’s out on that one!
 
Gurney…so you are telling me you had three kids in three years by taking an NFP class and following the rules correctly? Or was it because ya’ll are so frisky you end up fudging the rules. I’ve used NFP for 11 years and not become pregnant, and when we are in my non-fertile time we go at like rabbits so not like we’re not making good use of our time.

Is NFP always easy? No it’s not. It definitely a struggle at times. For some it’s a struggle most of the time. I adore my husband. It is hard not be with each other physically when we so desire to be. But it is so much better than what we had before when we could have sex whenever we wanted (before I returned to the Church and he converted). Our attitudes about intimacy were all wrong.

I think a big part of your struggle is your attitude going into this. My husband was in the military when were first married and he was sometimes gone for months and months. It would be ridiculous for me to be angry at the military for depriving us of regular sexual intimacy. Well ofcourse it is, it was his job which he chose voluntarily.

We all have free will. To those that have been given much more more will be expected. You came into the church, you were given the gift of faith, and you know what the teachings of the church are. Who in world made made you believe doing what is right was never going to be a struggle, was never going call for sacrifice? You both can go on hating NFP, blaming it for “stealing” your sexual intimacy or you can ask God for the grace to change your attitudes, to help you see His will for your marriage.

Gurney I have been married 17 years, I got married at the ripe old age of 18. I adore my husband, and heck yeah I love being intimate with him. But I also believe the Catholic Church was founded by Jesus Christ and is guided by the Holy Spirit. I don’t worry about what the 92% of Catholics that ignore church teaching. I know Jesus said “Enter by the narrow gate.”

You will never be happy with NFP if you look at it is a curse, as a punishment. Use your struggles as a chance to grow in holiness. Offer up your frustration, your anger, your sadness. I know I don’t have to remind you how much Jesus suffered for you and for me. For some NFP really is a cross, so pick up your cross and follow Christ instead of allowing it to crush you.

You know the truth in your heart or you would have never embraced NFP in the first place. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
 
vluvski said:
I should have specified avoiding pregnancy.:o

Perhaps manualman (I think that’s who I’m remembering) will post on this thread. He “suffered through” NFP for years before really embracing the spirit of the Church’s teaching, and now appreciates it very much.

Marriage, sexuality, and intimacy are such delicate subjects to teach and understand, and the Church is really only beginning to address this in a way that responds to the “newly” popularized ideas brought on by BCPs, abortion, and the sexual revolution. Especially for someone who uses NFP purely out of obedience to one’s Church or out of respect for a spouse, it has the potential to be very unpleasant. I doubt I would be very happy with the Church imposing these laws if I didn’t think a just explanation was offered. Within the context of the Theology of the Body, it begins to make sense and has brought a sense of peace in understanding why the Church asks this of us.
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I’m touched that somebody noticed my testimony! I really did resent NFP for quite some time and can relate a lot to the posts of the suffering men. I tease my wife that I hardly need to know her mucus readings because I can almost tell when she is getting fertile by her behavior! After a couple years of marriage nursing resentments against the imposition of NFP I made a shocking discovery: I was more likely to be flawed than church teaching! I’m a bit amused that it really hadn’t occurred to me earlier that I have grown up in one of the most sexually exploited up times in 1,000 years, but I assumed that my difficulties were unrelated to any problems inside of ME. The turning point was in pondering what John Paul meant when he warned husbands against lusting after their wives. I started to realize that in spite of my faith, I had a very selfish attitude about sex. I want the gratification. I lust for my wife. NFP doesn’t cure that, but in fact makes it stand out rather than staying hidden. The forced abstinance penned up my lust and it came out as expectation and pressure when the ‘go’ time came. My wife felt both pressured and used as a result - because she WAS!

Once I realized the problems were largely due to the fact that I’ve grown up with a horribly objectivized perspective on sex and am not fully healed of it yet, my difficulties practicing NFP changed from resentment of it, to remorse for my brokenness. When I experience lust, I try to do something to SERVE my wife, to love her the way she needs to feel it from me. It sounds strange, but when you are tempted to lust a good half hour of cleaning toilets can do wonders for both you AND your wife’s feeling of being loved. You don’t need me to tell you other tricks you can use to redirect such impulses to something constructive.

I sure make myself SOUND good, don’t I? To be sure, I fail at it plenty and likely always will. But my attitude has changed and I realize my difficulties are based on a problem with ME, not God.
 
Hi Rayne

Well the problem is you do not know what my wife and I do in the bedroom and you have no clue about our “friskiness” or inability to control ourselves. I’m not sure I appreciate the implication that we “failed” at NFP because of our own terrible following of the program or lack of self-discipline. That’s a lot of supposition on your part seeing as how you’ve never met me or my wife. But it’s typical of the pro-NFP crowd when someone gets pregnant using NFP…blame the users not the system!!

For your information, we DID follow NFP to a tee. My wife and I did it for a couple of years before we WANTED to have a child and then we got pregnant intentionally. Those two years before our pregnancy were as miserable as ever. We never liked NFP to begin with. We followed the typical EWTN-type talking points that you gave out about how we must take up our cross and all that jazz…but inside we haven’t totally bought into it.

I NEVER said that marriage was supposed to be easy, you again suppose I feel that way. But I do NOT think that marriage is a “cross” to bear? Must EVERYTHING be a cross with these ultra-strict Catholics? Everything is suffering, everything is giving up, everything is doing without. Not every single moment of this life must be a cross?? Why should marriage be a cross? It’s a sacrament and a joy, romantic, loving, and it should be a caring, fun, adventure. I can’t imagine being married thinking of it as being a burden and a cross to bear?
You have the perfect right to view your sex life as a cross, I don’t agree.
You are partially correct when you say that I must know that there is TRUTH to NFP or else why would I have started it to begin with? Quite honestly, the “buy-in” was always weak for us. We followed NFP because we have believed that the Pope and Church are infallible and holy and we’ve wished to follow the Church. It has not been the boon and the blessing that was promised. It has also NOT been reliable despite your implying that OUR error is to blame for pregnancy. My wife has impeccably followed her temp chart, mucouse and all the signs and trends the Kipley Book and Couple to Couple league recommends. My wife got pregnant during her infertile time and, by all accounts, should NOT have been able to get pregnant at that time. Likewise, she had a total shift in her menstrual cycle after our first baby and got pregnant then. You can talk to countless people that are the 0.0001 in the supposed 99.999% “reliability” rate for NFP.

Comparing your husband’s deployment with the military to a regular sex schedule is absurd. No one would dare imply that you and your husband don’t love each other because you can’t have constant sex. I sure wouldn’t say that. I’m sure you are deeply in love with your husband. No doubt. But why, if you ARE able and together and willing, should you go without and be miserable if you are indeed miserable?

NFP sounds lovely for you and your husband. I’m glad you like it. But I personally am quite in doubt if such an unreliable, shaky, goofy system of this is at all the product of an infallible institution. Quite frankly, my wife and I are in doubt about staying Catholic right now and we’re disappointed at the inability of the Popes to listen to the needs of 92% of the flock. You say you don’t care what 92% of Catholics think. Apparently you’re in good company because neither do the popes! In the late 60’s there was a commission that consisted of bishops, cardinals, priests, lay couples, doctors, and other health professionals. They studied birth control as a part of a papal commission for one year and concluded at the end of the year that birth control should be permitted in the Catholic Church by a large margin. On June 28, 1966, the Papal Commission on Birth Control submitted their final report to the Vatican. The Commission was comprised of lay people, theologians, bishops and cardinals, representing a range of conservative and progressive positions. They had prayed together, listened to presentations from experts, reviewed surveys taken from over 3,000 dedicated Catholic couples from 18 countries, and argued among themselves about numerous matters pertaining to human sexuality. In the end, the vote was 30-5 in stating that the Church’s teaching on the intrinsic evil of artificial contraception was in a state of doubt. In its report, the Commission recommended that the procreative aspect of sex should not be tied to every sexual act, but belong to marriage as a whole. They also recommended that couples be free to choose the non-abortive method of family planning that would work best for them. This commission’s panel consisted of 72 members from five continents (including 16 theologians, 13 physicians and 5 women, with an executive committee of 9 bishops and 7 cardinals. .
 
Gurney…I’m going to be brief because I’m tired and getting ready for bed. My marriage is not a cross -hah, far from it. I never said marriage should be a cross. I said NFP can be a cross for some. It sounds like you are saying 10 days without sexual intimacy each month is ruining your married life. You have been married 8 years, is your whole marriage based on sex? That is the way you are coming across. God help us if we can’t have sex whenever we want our lives our over.:rolleyes: That may not be at all what you mean but that is the message I’m getting with your post.

I’m sure you are already aware the church is not a democracy. The Holy Spirit does not take a public opinion poll before deciding on how to guide the Church in truth. Like I’m said I’m tired so I can’t answer you post as fully as I’d like. I’ll try to be back tomorrow to answer more fully. God Bless.
 
Ten days without sexual intimacy?? Are you kidding? With NFP there are only about ten days per month when one can actually engage in sexual relations??? Each woman’s cycle is different as well as environmental factors. My wife only has 13-14 days per month that are “safe.”

I know full well that the Church is not a democracy. But I remind you that, for over 1,000 years, the “Catholic” Church was not Roman but “Catholic” and autocephalic in nature. All bishops were equals and the Bishop of Rome was the “princeps inter pares,” or first among EQUALS, not infallible and certainly not the total absolute ruler of the church at large. In 1054 the Orthodox Church left communion of Rome for many reasons including the filioque clause of the Creed but most of all they were fed up with a bishop claiming exclusive infallible, huge territorial powers that he had never possessed before. I also remind you that in ancient times, the Churches VOTED for their bishops! Yes, voted! Do you know that Saint Augustine of Hippo, beloved by all Catholics and Protestants, was ELECTED by the LAITY of Hippo to be their bishop!! Yep!

Here’s another one! St. Nicholas of Smyrna, ALSO KNOWN AS SANTA CLAUS, was ELECTED by the lay people of Smyrna to be their bishop!! So, historically the Church did have some democratic principals. It is only since the Middle Ages that the laity have been squashed into a passive role and all the bishops are basically subservient to the papacy.

Finally, let me remind you of something. Are YOU following the Church with NFP? You do know what the catechism has to say, right? I quote: “Periodic continence” is the terminology that is permissible with the Church. Periodic means “once in a while.” What the Church says is that Catholics MAY space their births of their children by, if they have a very very good reason to due so that is usually described as serious, they can space their children out. So, in other words, do you have a total 100% super serious reason to be using NFP right now? You should be pregnant every chance you get UNLESS you have a truly good, serious, very legitimate reason NOT to…NFP is not a lifestyle!!! The Catholic Church teaches that NFP may be employed PERIODICALLY in some cases to SPACE births!! In other words, with a married couple from age 25 to 50, how many times do you have super serious, legitimate, real reasons NOT to have children? Let’s just say HALF the time you do, that means you would be open to pregnancy 25 of those years possibly and have 25 kids. Yeah, that sounds really realistic! Sounds like the Osmonds squared! Unless your house is burning down, husband out of a job, you have mental illnesses (you will with 24 kids!), you are grieving the death of a loved one, or are sick, etc. you better stop your NFP right away! If you are living with that system the rest of your life, you are sinning according to Rome. Just go read Scott Hahn’s “Lord have Mercy” book! He even lists in the back of the book as one of the sins to be confessed: “Have I been using NFP without a very good reason? Have I been using it as birth control?” Scott is right!! If you are going to be a good Roman Catholic in this anti-democracy, better start getting pregnant soon!
 
gurneyhalleck1 said:
Finally, let me remind you of something. Are YOU following the Church with NFP? You do know what the catechism has to say, right?So, in other words, do you have a total 100% super serious reason to be using NFP right now?
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**I need to come to Rayne’s defense here. She is one of the reasons that I made the switch to NFP from the BC pill before I even converted. She was the first example I saw of a woman using it and understanding it fully. Why? Because she could (and most like WOULD) die from another pregnancy. She has one child. She has used NFP for 10 years since then. Her life depends on it.

But I also know that Rayne is the type of woman who, if she found herself pregnant right now, would not blame NFP for “failing”. Part of the mindset of NFP is being open to life. I know that she would see that child as a blessing, a gift from God even though she might not understand His divine reasoning.

Malia**
 
This is a reminder to post charitably. Please self-edit for tone and content when participating.

Thanks for your cooperation.
 
vluvski said:
It makes me wonder whether the key to a good sex life in your marriage could involve the ability to endure chaste celibacy with grace and through grace. In other words, if we spend our phase 2 time angry at the fact we can’t enjoy sex at that time, we have demonstrated that we are not whole. If we are not whole, we cannot be a gift to our spouse. That’s what sex is about- being a gift to your spouse.

I think I need to stop before I get going in circles…:eek:
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Thank you for reminding the DHs about “being a gift to your spouse”. As a DH myself, I also realized that enduring chaste celibacy is also a form of ‘gift’ to DW or to God as a sacrifice on the altar of matrimony. In the process, I just hope this image of gift-giving becomes the language between spouses. It is my prayer to become more of this…
 
Thanks Malia. My husband (who works afternoons) was a bit noisy coming in the house tonight so guess who woke up? It’s trying to get in with all those darn boxes from my Amazon Christmas shopping that came in the mail. 😃

Gurney…please, I say this with all sincerity and kindness, take a step back and catch your breath. I certainly did not mean to upset you. I’m trying to help you see things from a different perspective.

I realize you don’t know my circumstances or you would not have told me to start getting pregnant soon. In my heart of hearts I would love that more than anything. I always wanted a big family but that was not God’s plan for my life. I was born with several heart defects, my pregnancy with my daughter went well, but I was advised by my cardiologist (plus a second and third opinion) that getting pregnant again would endanger my life.

At this point my condition has progressed to congestive heart failure and I will need a heart transplant in order to see my daughter grow up and get married. I am only 35. I trust in the churches teachings with my life and God has not failed me, by far he has blessed my marriage tremendously.

Like I said there are times when we struggle the periods of abstinance. But when your life is on the line, making a mistake is not an option. I know it can be hard, I hear how frustrated you are. Do you think you could consider trying to embrace those periods as times when you both can learn to grow closer to each other in other ways? Would you prayerfully consider asking God to help you both see His will in this and guide you and your wife. I hope I’m not upsetting you more, I truly am sincere.

Kiss those beautiful babies of yours for me, I’m sure they are the love your of lives even when you are up to your ears in diapers and temper tantrums. I truly am not trying to make light of your struggles. And if you could keep me your prayers, I can use all that I can get get.

Well I’m going to back to bed now. I’ll try to address some of the finer points tomorrow. God Bless.
 
It doesn’t surprise me that people have struggles with church teeaching on the nature of sexuality. What DOES surprise me is the ease at which people (myself included) have jumped to the conclusion that their difficulties and struggles are the result of some defect in church teaching instead of a defect in themselves.

Which is more likely?

A. The church has been dead wrong in its position on contraception for 2,000 years.
B. I am a product of my age and have a severely damaged image of sexuality which makes it very hard for me to live a healthy married sexuality in line with God’s plan.

People seem to think that sex was only discovered in the 1960s and that the Commission was the first group of catholics ever to ponder the issue. In fact, there is a consistent body of teaching going all the way back to the early fathers all affirming the inherent evilness of contraception. I sure can’t understand why anybody would place their trust in the judgement of folks caught up in the midst of the sexual revolution over the clear historic teaching of the church. Its not just the last 3 popes, its ALL of them.

P.S. Those who fondly wish we still elected bishops popularly according to our desires should wonder how many more adventures like Arianism we would have had if that practice had not been brought to a close. Good riddance, I say.
 
manualman said:
I’m touched that somebody noticed my testimony! I really did resent NFP for quite some time and can relate a lot to the posts of the suffering men. I tease my wife that I hardly need to know her mucus readings because I can almost tell when she is getting fertile by her behavior! After a couple years of marriage nursing resentments against the imposition of NFP I made a shocking discovery: I was more likely to be flawed than church teaching! I’m a bit amused that it really hadn’t occurred to me earlier that I have grown up in one of the most sexually exploited up times in 1,000 years, but I assumed that my difficulties were unrelated to any problems inside of ME. The turning point was in pondering what John Paul meant when he warned husbands against lusting after their wives. I started to realize that in spite of my faith, I had a very selfish attitude about sex. I want the gratification. I lust for my wife. NFP doesn’t cure that, but in fact makes it stand out rather than staying hidden. The forced abstinance penned up my lust and it came out as expectation and pressure when the ‘go’ time came. My wife felt both pressured and used as a result - because she WAS!

Once I realized the problems were largely due to the fact that I’ve grown up with a horribly objectivized perspective on sex and am not fully healed of it yet, my difficulties practicing NFP changed from resentment of it, to remorse for my brokenness. When I experience lust, I try to do something to SERVE my wife, to love her the way she needs to feel it from me. It sounds strange, but when you are tempted to lust a good half hour of cleaning toilets can do wonders for both you AND your wife’s feeling of being loved. You don’t need me to tell you other tricks you can use to redirect such impulses to something constructive.

I sure make myself SOUND good, don’t I? To be sure, I fail at it plenty and likely always will. But my attitude has changed and I realize my difficulties are based on a problem with ME, not God.
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Thank you. What you say is exactly true in my case as well. I’ve been aware of my lust for my wife for some time, but I have the most difficult times dealing with it. Cleaning toilets would certainly be one way! I pray quite a bit about it, but usually it takes a good rosary to really get my mind off things.

thanks and God bless!
knd
 
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