For those of you who are successfully married, how did you discern your vocation?

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Amelia_Lewis

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I ask because I am having an extremely difficult time figuring out what God wants of me. I was so certain, right after my reception into the Church two years ago, that I was called to be a religious.

The problem is that I had a very unstable childhood where men tended to come and go from the family (my mother’s boyfriends), and I had up until these past two years only ever seen maybe one or two successful marriages.

I’m really glad that the communities I contacted in 07 insisted that I wait a few years before discerning, because I’m at the point now where I still feel drawn to religious life, but for the first time, I also am experiencing a powerful pull towards family life and living in the world.

I’m terribly afraid, though, that I might turn out like my mother or like some fallen away Catholics I know who fell away after their marriages fell apart. Like there was a direct connection between an unfaithful spouse and their loss of faith, and I’m scared. What if I end up with someone who doesn’t stay, or worse, someone who’s abusive? What if I end up in an unhappy marriage, or what if I end up as an unhappy religious?

Have any of you married people, especially the women, considered a religious vocation or felt drawn - powerfully - and why/how did you end up married instead?

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this - I know it’s about vocations, technically, but everything in that forum seems to be focused on RELIGIOUS vocations, and that’s not all I’m open to or drawn to at this point. I want to know about the married vocation - how did you decide, have you ever regretted it, do you ever wonder if you were really meant to be a sister/priest/brother, whatever…?
 
I knew from as far back as I can remember that I was called to be married. I spent many a childhood years pining away for it. After I first made my Catholic faith my own and experienced a few girlfriends and subsequent breakups, I started to question whether I might have a priestly vocation. God answered that pretty quickly with a “No,” and so I continued to wait.

It can be hard to discern for those who’ve had such hardships in their childhood. I don’t know if I can offer you much advice other than to keep praying and being open to where God leads you. I think it is good to spend at least some time considering both “sides”. Not that all priests/religious need to date someone nor that all married people need to spend time in a seminary or convent. But it’s good to be open and give God the chance to nudge you in either direction if He wants to.
 
You are on the right path for discerning what vocation God is calling you to. Keep praying about it and ask for the gifts from the Holy Spirit especially wisdom and understanding. Right now it could be that God is asking you discern and work in the world for a few years. We have a friend who worked for 5 years while discerning his call to the priethood. Now he is such a wonderful priest. He also had some family issues that had to be taken care before “he would” become a priest (parents annulment).

If you think that marriage is a possible vocation, find a good singles group for Catholic young adults or get active in your church, join a bible study group (even if it is already in progress for the year. Go on a few dates to have fun and converse. While that person may not be the exact one you want to marry, think about what life would be like with a spouse while you are with them.

Consider going and talking to your priest and asking for a spiritual advisor to meet with and help you discern. There are some classes offered on discernment for vocations including what you may be called to do in addition to marriage or religious life such as teaching CCD or an adult education class, these are ususally sponsored by the diocese.

Most of all, be patient. Our time is not God’s time. When you are not looking for the answer, that is when it is most likely to be found. Pray a novena to your favorite saint. St. Therese has not failed me nor has St. Rita of Casia.

God Bless you.
 
Dear sister in Jesus.

It sounds like you have a lot of fear, both consciously and unconsciously and that is what makes religious life seem like an escape from failure. But have you ever thought about how miserable you can also be if you are a nun and you one day wake up and find out you would like to have been married in the world (besides being spiritually the bride of Christ as we also are as the Church) ? Some nuns and priests have left orders, and what they thought at first was their vocation, even after years of celibacy. Some have been released from their vows and got married, others stumbled secretly in their orders because they might not wholeheartedly have chosen celibacy FREELY from the beginning. That’s quite sad. I think its good if you discover your motives for prefering one vocation over another. Is it your humanity that is speaking or is it your soul? When we make a sacrament vow we get grace from God to help us live our vocation, whether it be marriage or religious life. Both can go wrong if we dont stay close to God and if we dont discern our own motives.

I became a Catholic a few years ago. Falling in love with Jesus I also dreamt a lot about becoming a nun in the beginning and I really hoped it was my vocation. But I had an unrealistic romantic idea about it. Deep down inside I was afraid that if I was not a nun I wouldn’t be as close to Jesus and as pleasing to Him as I otherwise would… that caused me fear. So I wished to wish to be a nun, but I really didn’t have a deep desire of the real religious life. I could fantatize about the role “bride of Christ”, the radical sign infront of the world, wearing a white veil etc… but the real daily life of a nun… was not appealing to me.

Two ways I found out I was not called in that direction was:
  1. When I was looking at orders I was always looking at what clothes the women were wearing, That’s where I secretly admitted to my self that my thoughts were more driven by a romantic notion than a realistically-reflected choice. Would I like to be a nun who could not be distinguished by other ordinary women by my dress? “No…” I had to laugh at my self.
  2. I fell in love with a mortal man for the first time in my life at the ripe age of 25 and it opened a whole new life for me… a whole new universe. I had never known nor dreamt that human love could be so fantastic.
    Now, even though that relationship ended in heartbreak, I have, since then, had no desire to become a nun, and I know being a nun is not better than being a woman in the world. What matters is to follow the will of God where you are.
    I hope to be a wife and mother and hope so much I will be blessed in that vocation by God, that He may arrange it for me.
    I know that if I trust Him when I discern a relationship thorouhly and pray much, stay under His wings, and set high standards, then I expect my future marriage will succeed whereas I would most definately become a terribly frustrated nun 😉
As far as I have heard, the Lord says: FEAR NOT 366 times in the Bible… that means one for every day, and then one extra for a martha like me to use on a particularly overcast day.

So fear not Amelia.
And… a friend once said to me: You can only really say YES, when you are free to say no.

Yeshua ha Messhiah.
Gracie 👍
 
I was actually discerning a vocation to the religious life when I met my future husband. Even while we were dating, he was very supportive of me figuring out just what it was God wanted of me. And we BOTH prayed about it, wanting to make sure that God was telling us the same thing…that we were supposed to be married. Looks like He was…we’re going on nine years and a few kiddos. 😃
 
I didn’t discern it. I wanted to be a Carmelite nun, had wished to do so since I was ten.
But when I met Dean I knew with quiet certainty, no fireworks, no ringing bells, just a quiet knowledge that he was the man I was to marry.
I pray for priests, souls, and the world anyway, and live in a Carmelite parish…which wasn’t planned, but simply happened
 
The absence of doubt is what guides you when you meet your husband. At least it did for me.

When I met my husband I didn’t have to discern anything. I knew. He was The One, and that’s all there was to it. He told me that he felt exactly the same way about me – on our honeymoon, he told me that when he dropped me off at home after our first date, all he could think was, “Gee, I wonder if I just met my future wife.” And he had.

If you’re uncertain, if you’re wibbling, if you don’t know if you’re sure – trust that. Your gut will tell you if there’s something to worry about. You’ll know your true and faithful husband by the utter certainty you feel when you’re with him.
 
I think it can be very hard to discern your vocation to married life or religious life as a young single Catholic. I am 23 and I have always felt like I will get married. I still do, but people are always asking me if I’m going to be a nun. I think it can be very hard because if you are young and very devout, you can feel like you aren’t considering all your options if you don’t consider religious life. I still believe that married life is my vocation, but I try to be open to whatever God chooses for me and not limit God in any way…easier said than done. I am meeting with a Spiritual Director for the first time this week and I’m really excited about it! He’s a wonderful priest and I think that he will be a lot of help, just to have someone to talk to about what I might be struggling with. Have you considered a Spiritual Director? It might be helfpul.

I would just advise you to not let your past make your future - if that makes sense. Don’t feel like all men will come and go and all men will be unfaithful. Pray about it, pray for your future spouse. God will show you your vocation when you are ready to accept it with open arms - not a minute before! I will pray for you!!
 
Thank you so much, all of you, for your encouragment. I think that’s really what I needed…

I think what I am going to try to do is remain open for now, and maybe next year while I’m at school I’ll go on a Vocations Retreat or two, but still remain open to the possibility of dating as well… I’m not sure, though.

I guess I’m just frustrated with this whole discernment thing, it feels like I am waiting for my real life to start… and perhaps I am not trusting God enough when I am so afraid to make the wrong choice. I mean, He’ll let me know eventually, right?
 
I have been happily married for 18 yrs now but in my 20’s considered a religious vocation. What I learned is this
get a good spiritual adviser,
pray (A LOT!) and
remember that when you find what God has in store for you — it will be that God has led you toward what HE wants for you and it will not be you running away from anything else.
God Bless!
 
Dear Amelia
My story looks a lot like some of the others’. After converting in my early 20s I was so much in love with Christ and the idea of being His alone. The thought is still the most romantic I know.
I thought seriously about being a nun. One day I decided to become a religious. I was like on clouds. However after a weeks time I felt different… less convinced. Once I visited a community for some days. I was in prayer a lot and I loved talking to the sisters and brothers. One of them told me that she would rather “danse and danse poorly, than not dance at all”. Speaking of religious life. She was a beautiful nun and impressed me a lot. However, at the end of the stay I felt like something (someone) was missing.
A few months later I met my future husband. Immediately we both thought that we’d might found the one and only. I had been so busy thinking about religious life and suddently I met a man who seemed to be just right.
I was in so much chaos. Then one day I sat down in church and said to Jesus Christ. I will do your will. I will be a nun If you ask me to. I will marry if you ask me to. At this moment I give you the opportunity to tell me what Your Will is.
I left the church to meet my new freind. And that day for the first time I had complete peace. I have never thought about religious life since. I belong fully to Jesus Christ together with my husband. We were brought together by Him and it is by His grace alone that we succeed.
I wish you all the best
Amber
 
I considered the religious life. If I had not met my husband, I would probably be in a convent right now. (I still think that that is a beautiful life, and my oldest daughter is already discerning a religious vocation!) However, when I met my husband, I knew that I wanted to marry him. As it turns out, we have certainly been meant for each other.

I don’t know if that was helpful, but because I did not even get to fully enter the Catholic Church until AFTER we were married, that is probably the best I can do to help.
 
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