For those who were abused as children. How are you as a parent?

[3GirlsRUs]

Just curious…Do you believe that God gave you all girls instead of some boys to break the cycle? My dd’s dad and brothers have been and currently are told that they aren’t real men and their sisters have told their sons (sister’s sons) that they don’t want them to be like their uncles. To them, men are to never be trusted. I have heard the horrible comments, but they still believe that a woman must be hard on men and manipulate them to do what the women want. His sisters who talk this way only have boys, and the brothers with children only have girls. So, I was wondering if you thought that God sometimes sends children of one gender only to test the parents to see if they can break the cycle of abuse to that gender?

This is a very interesting thought. I have often thought that God has blessed us with girls for many different reasons. One, that perhaps I needed to really work on some things and my children have been the reason I really looked inward to work on my perception of myself. Two, that it is a way to break the cycle. Third…I often have thought the reason I have girls is my husband is the most loving person to have as a father. I’m one of those few women who DID NOT marry a man much like my father. My husband is thoughtful, patient, kind-at-heart…just in general the most selfless man I have ever known. Heck, just knowing my father divorced and left us all tells you something about where his interests laid. Anyway…I believe that my girls have such a better shot at being good, strong, confident women because they have my husband as their father.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Hi Deb1,

I was physically abused as a child. Beatings, straps sometimes fists. I lied to social services to cover my fathers abuse.

My wife was sexually, physically and emotionally abused. She came from a terribly dysfunctional family.

We worked very hard at giving our children a loving home. They did get the gentle tap on the bottom as little ones. Nothing more than enough to insult them though.

I think we both recognized the abuse we suffered and were determined not to pass it to our children.

It did however have lasting affects on both my wife and I. More so for her as a result of the sexual abuse (it was her father).

You sound like you are doing a great job with your kids but if I could recommend one thing? Seek some counseling for yourself. My wife did not and it had a terrible impact on her. She could shield the children but not herself. Sometimes an abused person becomes so focused on stopping the cycle of abuse that they forget about themselves. They push memories, dreams or bad feelings down deep into themselves and lock them away. Those memories never stay locked away. They can come out and cause tremendous hurt and pain.

You may not feel like you need help but take some advise from someone who lived it, just try a few sessions.

May you have true peace.

 

[BlestOne]

Deb,
So much of your story hit home with me. All my life I was the scapegoat for anything that went wrong. I thought I was a horrible person for a long time. I suffered physical and emotional abuse all my life. The physical you can get over, but the emotional stays with you.

I always felt alone, like I wasn’t part of a family. In fact, I never knew how a “normal” family acted until my first boyfriend and his family were very warm and close. They freaked me out!

For the most part I blamed my dad because I didn’t see my mom’s part in it. But as I grew older and had kids, I started seeing the ways my mom manipulated my dad into being the bad guy all the time. I made excuses for my mom… that is the way things were done in her generation…blah blah blah! Then I lost a baby… and I needed the support of a family. I thought surely I would get consolation from mom… When I called, my dad answered the phone. I told him one of my twins had died and he got all choked up and couldn’t talk… but that spoke volumes to me! Mom on the other hand…just said, “Your tough, you’ll handle it” and that was the end of it!

The whole time I was blaming my dad for all the abuse, I didn’t see that it was my mom that was inciting him. She was a master manipulator. I was so scared I was going to abuse my kids. I did everything I could different than my parents did. After a while, I saw that I needed to forgive my dad for my own sake. I don’t know why God granted me such a gift, but the next time I went home, I resolved to forgive my dad in person and tell him I loved him. So I went home in April that year to have my kids pictures taken with their cousins for a 40th anniversary gift for my parents. When I got home only dad was home. I went up to his office and in my little girl voice… I said, “Daddy, I love you!” Dad’s eyes teared up and he told me he loved me too. Two months later, instead of coming home for the 40th anniversary party, I came home for dad’s funeral. He died just 5 days before the party.

I should have seen the abuse continuing, but I guess I am slow… or I just didn’t want to see it. At my dad’s funeral I was 6 months pregnant with my dd. People I hadn’t seen for years were coming up and saying some really bizarre things to me. I didn’t get it at the time, but these were all the people my mom had told stories about me. I just chalked it up to grief. Later I found out that mom had complained to many of these people that I never learn… something about how the last pregnancy and how she feared that this baby would die too. Totally bizarre!!!

After that incident, I didn’t think about it much, but it seemed like something wasn’t right. Then my two sisters had an argument, I heard about it from my one sister, then I heard a totally different version from my mom, who wasn’t even there…her version wasn’t even close to believable either. What was worse is that mom demanded that I take sides against this sister. When I didn’t, I was ostracized.

Many more incidents over the years… and absolutely no support through my divorce, led me to be the family outcast. It hurt, but it was also kind of normal too.

Anyway, I always tried to shield my kids from this stuff. I discovered that while you always revert back to what you know when you react, you don’t have to act on your first impulse. What I mean is… when one of the kids sasses me, my first reaction would be to slap their face. I choose not to act when that thought hits me. I wait a few seconds until reason returns, then I deal with the problem. It took alot of training to get myself to do it that way, and I am not 100% effective at it yet, but I am much better than I thought. I also encourage my kids to do things together and to get along. My mom never did. In fact, she didn’t want us to get along… she wanted us dependent on her so that she alone controlled the information between us. I am so proud of the way my kids take care of each other. They all went through their stages, but they get along so well… it is so foreign to me sometimes. They actually choose to go to the movies together, or work on a community service project together. It is awesome to see that!!!

I haven’t lived at home for 26 years and mom still tries to control me and my siblings. In the past 2 yrs my one sister has come to the conclusion that mom is narcissistic and has decided it is in her families best interest to no allow her kids to be alone with their grandmom. My brother has effectively acknowledged the problem and stayed out of it at the same time (wish I knew how he managed that) and another sister and brother have totally become just like my mom and are feeding into her sickness. I no longer speak to that brother and sister, have a civil yet distant relationship with my mother, and have a great relationship with the one sister and brother… go figure! Half of the sibs are screwed up…

 

[puzzleannie]

this is harsh but it is advice I have received many times from priests and therapists, if you have to, remove toxic people, even parents, siblings or children from your life. If they pose a threat to your mental, physical, psychological or spiritual well-being, or that of your family, you must distance yourself for survival. Sometimes that is needed to break the cycle and to get out of the manipulative game-laying situations, and avoid being codependent or enabling of such abuse.

If anyone here think that might apply to you, consider getting professional guidance on that topic.

Also for several posters who have done a pretty good job with healing, and understanding what “normal” is in spite of childhood experiences, if you are still have unexplainable rages, screaming fits, anger, anxiety or depression to the degree that your family has to avoid you or that you have to apologize afterward, you do need help. That anger is a destructive volcano that will erupt one day, and when it does, you may not be able to undo the damage.
signed, recovering member of the BTDT fan club

 

[Giannawannabe]

I’ve read this thread with interest. I hesitate to say that I was abused, but some of the situations (especially OP’s and BlestOne’s) really sound similar to mine. I have distanced myself from my manipulative parent, and life is much better. However, I notice that, although I have a better relationship with my kids, I do see that I have to really watch myself so as to not repeat patterns seen in childhood. I want so much to be better for my kids. I want them to actually like and trust me.
In response to annie’s post, and after much though, prayer and advice in the past from other posters, I think I will pursue counseling. At times, I feel a little overwhelmed and blue for days at a time. Maybe a little angry, too. It seems I have to try so hard to be the kind of mom that I want to be. I try to hang around “good” moms. That really helps. Moms who really love their kids and don’t try to manipulate them. Moms who have gained their children’s trust.
Anyway, this is a good thread, deb. I think I’ll keep “lurking” here to see what others have to say.

 

[deb1]

Puzzleannie is correct about moving toxi people from your life. I talked to my mom until six months before her death. Basically, I swallowed down her abuse and overlooked any manipulation of me. This wasn’t as difficult as you might think considering how far apart in miles we were.

Because my siblings had stopped talking with her, I felt responsible for her. And to top that off, I always felt sorry for her.

We moved back to NC to help her. She made it seem like she was close to death. She wasn’t, although she wasn’t healthy.

I really wanted to take care of her and have the kind of relationship that I see some adult daughters have with their mom. My mom though turned against my kids! up until this time, she had spared them her abuse. But she was making my children-who had not learned how to emotionally protect themselves against her- cry.

At that point, to protect my kids, I informed her that if she wanted to have anything to do with us that she could not speak to my kids in certain ways and that she was just basically to keep her opinion to herself. I told her that I would escort her home every time she broke that rule. She chose not to call me any more.

It took me a few months to get over the guilt and the mixed emotions that I had from her death. But I still think that I did the correct thing in protecting my kids before my relationship with her.

 

[deb1]

(I was raped at 17, it was my first time with sex and she said it was my fault because I must have wanted it and I led the guy on),

I had a cousin try and rape me. My mom informed me also that I was at fault. She wanted to know what I was wearing and how he possibly could have gotten my clothing off. Then she told me that the attack was God’s way of keeping me from thinking about boys.

Ironically my mom had been sexually abused. So, I am not certain why she wouldn’t have been more sympathatic toward her daughter.

 

[deb1]

what was your mom’s mom like? that might explain much of it. I’m sorry you went through that, deb…you are in my prayers, and you are a powerful testimony to us all that God lifts us all up through His grace.

My mother had an almost cartoonishly horrible childhood. It is hard to believe that in the mid twentieth century people still lived as her family did. I can see a lot of my mother’s emotional development beginning in her childhood.

Her dad was an abusive alcoholic who my mother adored. He beat his wife and children, chased them from the house with guns but still my mother always talked about him as if he were just a lovable rogue. He would come home and bragg to his wife and children that which women he had affairs with. He would tell my grandmother-who was petrified of him-that she was lucky all men had affairs they were just secretive about them. then he would inform her which church person was sleeping with her.

Because he wouldn’t work, my grandmother had to work. Sometimes the whole family worked in the fields. My mother started doing this at four years old! Sometimes my grandmother would leave her kids with strangers so she could go find work to support the family. My mother was abused sexually several times during this time. Sometimes my mom went without food and was hungry.

When her dad was sober he was apparently very charming, although he seems to have been very dishonest. One of my aunts told me approvingly that my grandfather would give you the shirt off his back but take your last dime in the process. That sounds awful to me. And I have never understood my mother and her family’s tendency to hero worship her dad or to sit around and tell funny stories about him-most involving him conning someone.

My mother, due to her sense of humor, was always compared to her dad. I think this helped warp her somehow.

Sometimes I think of my daughters and imagine my mother at their age, being underweight, frightened and alone and I wish that I could go back in time and save her. It makes me very sad for her.

 

[VAC]

this is harsh but it is advice I have received many times from priests and therapists, if you have to, remove toxic people, even parents, siblings or children from your life. If they pose a threat to your mental, physical, psychological or spiritual well-being, or that of your family, you must distance yourself for survival. Sometimes that is needed to break the cycle and to get out of the manipulative game-laying situations, and avoid being codependent or enabling of such abuse.

I don’t think it’s harsh advice at all. Sometimes the only way to honor ‘toxic’ parents is to pray for them from a distance. To allow abuse to any child of God, even one’s own self is a sin. IMO.
I also believe it’s a sin to allow children to grow up thinking the types of behavior described in this theard is normal.

Deb, I also grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I wont go into details, but had I know better at the time, I could have had them arrested.
I can tell you that the fact that you are aware that what happened to you was abuse, and that you are concerned about repeating what happened to you is a big factor in breaking the cycle.

Survivors of this and other types of abuse tend to be hypersensitive people who have learned to pick up on the cues of the behavoir and feelings of others, as a result of having to ‘walk on eggshells’ around their families. So you will be aware of how your actions affect your children.
Survivors also tend to be very hard on themselves and blame themselves for whatever goes wrong… something to work on.

Reading parenting books is another plus. I put great effort into learning ways of dealing with my kids without hitting, yelling, or ridiculing, etc. I’m not perfect, but I’m a much better parent to my youngest than I was to my first.
I also recommend limiting time with any dysfunctional family members until your children are old enough to recoginze their behavior as wrong. At least make sure any visits are supervised.

 

[tamccrackine]

Just curious…Do you believe that God gave you all girls instead of some boys to break the cycle? … So, I was wondering if you thought that God sometimes sends children of one gender only to test the parents to see if they can break the cycle of abuse to that gender?

Wow… you just don’t know the impact that this idea has just given me. I have endured stupid comments from so many people because we have “just girls” but when I got pregnant this time around, I started to think about something similar to your idea. And it’s really made me start to gain control over my rage issues and I just can’t tell you how my feelings have changed towards my girls. I do NOT want my girls to feel like I did growing up. But it really does make an impact on me right now because it has just shown me that I’m not “way out in left field” for having felt this for so long. I often told myself that if God blesses us with more children, He’ll bless us with a son when He feels that I’ve gained some more understanding of who I am as a person, as a woman and as a mother.

Puzzleannie is right about removing toxic people from your life. I’ve done that recently and I really have started to feel alot of joy. And when we recently learned that this baby is a boy, when the negative comments started to fly (ie- “finally! Now you’re done.” or “It’s about time, I thought you’d have an all female baseball team first.” or “It’s about time and now you can tell God to stop sending you more. So who’s getting fixed?”) I wasn’t hatefully angry. I was disturbed, upset and angry for a bit, but not hatefully so.

 

[deb1]

I decided to post a seperate listing on my grandmother. It is hard for me to seperate out my emotions for my grandmother with how my mom felt for her. I was taken care of by my grandmother, so she was a surrogate mom to me.

My mother needed lots of affection. Perhaps her upbringing made her needy in this way. My grandmother was not a demonstrative person. My siblings and I all knew our grandmother loved us, but my mother was really troubled by her mother’s lack of physical affection. My grandmother was the sort of person who would clean your house and make you lots of food to show affection. She was not a hugging type person.

She could be tough. And she expected obedience. But she could also be funny and would in some light hearted moments get silly with us. I have very fond memories of her. But I think that she would be the wrong mother for a child who needed more affection.

My mother was the type of person that never forgot any wrong and never, ever forgave. So, she had a long list of grievances against my grandmother that no matter how many times she was apologized to, she just wouldn’t let go.

 

[tamccrackine]

I decided to post a seperate listing on my grandmother. It is hard for me to seperate out my emotions for my grandmother with how my mom felt for her. I was taken care of by my grandmother, so she was a surrogate mom to me.

My mother needed lots of affection. Perhaps her upbringing made her needy in this way. My grandmother was not a demonstrative person. My siblings and I all knew our grandmother loved us, but my mother was really troubled by her mother’s lack of physical affection. My grandmother was the sort of person who would clean your house and make you lots of food to show affection. She was not a hugging type person.

She could be tough. And she expected obedience. But she could also be funny and would in some light hearted moments get silly with us. I have very fond memories of her. But I think that she would be the wrong mother for a child who needed more affection.

My mother was the type of person that never forgot any wrong and never, ever forgave. So, she had a long list of grievances against my grandmother that no matter how many times she was apologized to, she just wouldn’t let go.

Wow… makes me wonder if we’re related in some way. What you’ve described sounds like my mother and her mother. Especially this last paragraph about how your mother would never forget any wrong… but that was both my mother AND her mother. Both are still living and it makes for some very horrid family reunions when either one of them want to bring up the past. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 12 years now and my grandmother STILL brings up an exboyfriend of mine and how I supposedly treated my parents like doo (she doesn’t know of the forced abortion by my mother during this time… she just thinks I was mean to my mother because of this guy)

Anyway… I am so glad you are healing from all this and you’re able to be proactive in breaking a bad cycle. I’m sure that there are more people reading through this and learning (just not posting), and I have to admit, I’m learning a few things as well. So thank you. :hug3:

 

[deb1]

Wow… makes me wonder if we’re related in some way. What you’ve described sounds like my mother and her mother. Especially this last paragraph about how your mother would never forget any wrong… but that was both my mother AND her mother. Both are still living and it makes for some very horrid family reunions when either one of them want to bring up the past. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 12 years now and my grandmother STILL brings up an exboyfriend of mine and how I supposedly treated my parents like doo (she doesn’t know of the forced abortion by my mother during this time… she just thinks I was mean to my mother because of this guy)

Anyway… I am so glad you are healing from all this and you’re able to be proactive in breaking a bad cycle. I’m sure that there are more people reading through this and learning (just not posting), and I have to admit, I’m learning a few things as well. So thank you. :hug3:

thank you. I think just talking about what happened helps me and reading that other women have had similar experience is also helpful.

I don’t understand why more men aren’t posting. This isn’t supposed to be a gal’s only thread. I know that my brother seemed to suffer more long term effects from our upbringing then my sister and I. Maybe guys don’t like to talk about their abusive childhoods.

 

[rayne89]

In a way I was lucky most of my early childhood was good, relatively normal. Then my sister got sick with cancer when I was 11 my mom had a lot of difficulty coping and she took it out on me and my dad. Then my sister was diagnosed terminal when I was 12 and it all went to hell. My sister died when I was 13 and not only did I lose my sister I lost my family. My dad was so busy fending off attacks (relentless horrible vicious verbal attacks) that he couldn’t see what she was doing to me. I loved going to school because it was the only place I had peace.

My mom had obviously become mentally ill but as a kid I didn’t understand it. She was closer to my sister and I felt she hated me for being the one to survive. During a fight she even told me she wished my sister had survived instead of me. She would scream and carry on for hours sometime in the middle of night. My dad and I would sometimes take off for several hours and one time several days.

But as I got older I guess he figured I could fend for myself and he would take off and leave me there. Then all her anger would focus on me. There were only a few times it was physical -like hitting me in the head with phone when my dad got a call and I told her I didn’t know who it was (because I didn’t) or pulling me by hair, most of it was verbal. I actually think the hair pulling and getting hit with the phone was better than listening to her tell me what a horrible child I was and how my sister was so much better than me.

My mom is much better although she still has bad episodes. My dad bought a second house so he has some place to go to get away from her. She’s been very good so far around my daughter but I have told my daughter if ever I’m not there and my mom gets nuts to call me and I’ll come and get her. I’ve also told my dad in no uncertain terms he is to bring her home or call me to come get our daughter if my mom goes into a fit.

I do yell more than I’d like but I could never fathom saying the things my mother said to me. I will not tell my daughter who she needs to be, what she needs to like -she is allowed to be a seperate individual. With her own interests, her own personality. My mom is all about control. She has opinions and unless you agree with her your wrong. My mom thinks 95% of the population agrees with her. She says "There’s always that 5% that disagree but the majority thing(feel)…whatever her latest opinion is.

She is so bitter, so full of regret and resentment -its really sad. My mom is now 78 and I can’t imagine being in the later years of life and spending my days being so angry about the life I lived. She relives the past over and over bringing up every real (or imagined -mostly imagined) wrong my dad or I did.

I tell my daughter several times a day I love her. She know I love her for who she is and I’d never ask her to be anything different. I’ve never want her to feel the way I felt.

 

[deb1]

rayne how sad for you. You lost both a sister and your family.

It is both comforting and troubling to discover how similar some of your mothers are to mine.

 

[rayne89]

rayne how sad for you. You lost both a sister and your family.

It is both comforting and troubling to discover how similar some of your mothers are to mine.

Thankyou. There was a time I was very sad. God has given me peace, I wish there could be peace for my mom. We tried counseling but it doesn’t work. My mom can not admit any responsibilty for anything. It’s all about deflecting and placing the blame on others. I have forgiven her and I even told her so but everything is still my fault. Even her marriage falling apart “was my fault”. She also still thinks if we had just gone to a different hospital my sister would not have died. Even though my sister was at the best hospital in our state and went out of state several times for experimental treatment.

We make a little progress. I’ve been talking to her about the faith alot and she comes to Mass with me more and more. Even though she was raised Catholic there is so little she knows about church teaching. I’ve been trying to nudge her toward confession but she says she “can’t confess to a man, their should be women priests” and “she’s not going in that box”. Then she gets in one of her funks. It’s one step forward and two steps back.

My bestfriends 17 year old daughter has a boyfriend whose mom behaves just like mine. The boy can be a knucklehead but I do feel sorry for him. I’ve talked to him and empathized with him. He still has to go home to that. How can people do this to their own children? Please pray for this boy who suffers so much pain caused by his mother. His parents are divorced, his father abandoned the family. It breaks my heart.

My husband was beaten and abused as a kid -his childhood was even worse than mine. He had to work through chronic depression and numerous addictions but God has given us healing and made us strong. Sometimes it amazes me how we came through it.

I’m sorry you suffered such terrible emotional/verbal abuse. And yes it was abuse. I pray God gives you peace and healing.

God Bless!

 

[Anne1964]

My father was emotionally abusive to my mother and I throughout my childhood. I was called names and told no one would ever want me, that I was stupid, etc… I never realized this was abnormal until I was old enough to spend the night with friends and saw how their parents interacted with them.

My father had a terrible temper and would fly into screaming cursing rages with little or no provocation. I could do something on one day that would make him laugh and yet if I did the same thing the next day he would scream and curse at me. There was no consistency to his behavior. I learned at an early age it was safer to be quiet and stay out of the way than to risk doing or saying the wrong thing.

I am told there was some physical abuse but I have no memory of it.

After I grew up I was determined to never have children because I was afraid of being as abusive as he was. Six months after I got married, my husband and I took in his 8 year old niece. My SIL is mentally ill and emotionally abused her daughter.

I found that my experiences as a child made me sensitive to my niece’s needs in a way that someone who hadn’t lived through that kind of abuse might have trouble understanding. Both my husband and my SIL were emotionally abused by their parents, so my husband is sensitive to it also.

It’s funny how some people like my SIL grow up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and others, like my husband and I, work very hard to stop the cycle.

What helped me was a great deal of counseling as an adolescent, then more counseling after our niece came to live with us. I have also sought counseling for her as she has entered puberty and is beginning to display some of the anger and hurt she feels toward her mother. My husband and I hope we can mitigate the damage her mother has done to her and show her there is a better way to live.

 

[BlestOne]

PuzzleAnnie,
I didn’t think you were being harsh at all. In fact I think it is really sound advice. As I said in my post it took a very long time to stop blaming my dad and to actually feel good about myself. I went to counseling for other reasons throughout my adult life and it always came back to decisions I had made because of how I felt and what I believed growing up… jumped at marrying my first husband because I was afraid no one would love me… Didn’t pursue careers that I loved because I was unsure of myself, etc. It also affected how I raised my kids. When my ex and I separated, the best thing I did was get them into family counseling. I also took classes in sociology of marriage and family which helped alot.

It literally took me years to realize that 5’7" and 124 lbs was not obese. It also took me years to realize that I am not ugly, stupid or worthless. But I think the one thing that helped me the most was losing everything except my kids and my faith… it taught me what was important and what wasn’t. It also showed me that I am worthy of God’s love and mercy. I see my sister finally coming to the same conclusions I did years ago and it hurts to see her struggle but it also reaffirms that I made some right decisions when I stopped caring what mom said and did things my way.

 

[pilot]

I was abused by both my mother and father. My dad was physically and verbally abusive. My mom was more verbally abusive, but was also physically abusive. I grew up in a very angry household. I am of three children from that marriage. My two brothers are alcoholics and married very young because they got their girlfriends pregnant. They are both divorce now and one has a sexual addiction and the other who remarried is getting divorced again. I have been married for 9 years to a saint. She has put up with my rage and verbal abuse. I have to watch myself with my dd. My dw helps in this area and will tell me when I am acting like my father and mother. I found myself acting like them a lot. I hated it, but it was all I knew. My parents divorced when I was 15 years old and I was so depressed that I didn’t finish high school. My grandmother was the one who insisted on me taking the GED otherwise, I would not have any diploma. Do I act as my parents did towards me? Not in the physical abuse, but I have to watch myself with how I raise my voice and yell alot and can be verbally abusive. When I was first married, I yelled so much at my wife and could not control myself. I later found out I needed psychiatric medicines and my wife says it is like I am a new man. I still don’t have the norma thought process, according to those who know me best, but I try to control my anger. I still have so much anger and years of being told I was stupid, fat and etc. by my mother are still affecting me today. I don’t think much of myself. I have a hard time getting close to God as well. Child abuse does affect us as adults. All three of us boys have addiction problems and these were and are our coping mechanism and escape to what was a horrible reality.

 

[deb1]

Pilot, I am glad that we have a male voice on this thread.

I wonder if, because of the fact that women do discuss their emotions more then guys, if males sometimes have a harder time working through past abuse.

My brother seems to have had a harder time overcoming his scars from our childhood then my sister and I did.

As I stated before, my husband was abused also. But his abuse was physical and involved neglect. He was ignored by his parents unless they were angry and then they would explode. I think that because my husband and I were both abused, he has had an easier time discussing this with me.

My husband’s problem was not rage but insecurity. When we first married he was very over sensitive to other people’s opinion. Due to both our childhoods, we decided that as a rule we would always build one another up, not tear the other person down. We don’t allow name calling either. I don’t even allow the kids to say things like, “I’m stupid.” No name calling of each other or yourself in our home.

There are still moments in our marriage when he will frustrate me by asking if I am mad at him when I am not angry.Until this thread, I never thought how having to walk on egg shells around his parents might have effected him.