For those who were abused as children. How are you as a parent?

[iamrefreshed]

Pilot, I am glad that we have a male voice on this thread.

I wonder if, because of the fact that women do discuss their emotions more then guys, if males sometimes have a harder time working through past abuse.

My brother seems to have had a harder time overcoming his scars from our childhood then my sister and I did.

As I stated before, my husband was abused also. But his abuse was physical and involved neglect. He was ignored by his parents unless they were angry and then they would explode. I think that because my husband and I were both abused, he has had an easier time discussing this with me.

My husband’s problem was not rage but insecurity. When we first married he was very over sensitive to other people’s opinion. Due to both our childhoods, we decided that as a rule we would always build one another up, not tear the other person down. We don’t allow name calling either. I don’t even allow the kids to say things like, “I’m stupid.” No name calling of each other or yourself in our home.

There are still moments in our marriage when he will frustrate me by asking if I am mad at him when I am not angry.Until this thread, I never thought how having to walk on egg shells around his parents might have effected him.

I am just now (at 44) starting to realize the lasting effects of my childhood abuse. My self esteem has always been terrible. I’ve never thought my wife “really” loved me. I’ve felt a failure in a career that I have been very successful at. I’ve even thought that my children deserved a “better” father.

What is beginning to help me is turning my negative thoughts about myself into positive ones. It’s a hard and slow process to turn around a lifetime of thinking. I’ve found that concentrating on one thing per day is a good way to start.

I deserve to be happy. I AM a good friend, husband and father!

 

[Sina]

Great thread. I was abused as a kid, and I echo the sentiments felt that it was always so difficult to describe what the abuse was. Sometimes it was physical and most other times it was emotional. Mostly my father was the abuser, but my mother being an alcoholic who let it happen unleased stronger anger towards her than my father.

I am newly married now and hoping to have kids very very soon. Sometimes I wonder when I fight with my husband, if some of the qualities my father had when he shouted at me, are the same as the way I deal with my husband. I do worry about how I will treat my own children. I want them to feel safe and happy and loved at all times.

I know my parents love me, and they didn’t know better. But I didn’t know this as a child.

 

[puzzleannie]

just checking in recent posts on this very interesting thread, what a lot of prayer intentions we now have.

just to bring up what has been said before here, if a person still feels anger, bitterness and resentment, esp. if they describe that as “rage” that means the damage caused by the childhood abuse is not healed, and that the person is still allowing the damage to continue. It also means, no matter how well I think I am controlling that feeling as in “I really have to watch it around my own child” or “my spouse is a saint who puts up with my outbursts” the damage is still being done in my own family today.

If I spill a caustic chemical and sweep it up, I have not stopped the damage, because it is still eating into my skin, unless I was it with plenty of water and even special neutralizing chemicals. Just because the source of the spill has been dealt with does not mean the harmful chemical is not still causing damage to me, or to anyone who touches me before I have removed it.

dealing with this type of rage is spiritual warfare, and depends on being able to submit to not only spiritual direction but to accept the help of professionals in dealing with the caustic residue of the abuse.

 

[DiannaK]

what a tough thread … but very necessary. I meant to respond a few days ago, but had to run off to work …

My parents are divorced, and I was raised by my maternal grandmother. My mother is a very volatile person, and was both physically/verbally abusive to myself and my siblings. I’m the oldest of 5 … my grandmother raised myself and my younger brother. My mother “raised” my other siblings.

I learned to stay out of her way early on … as she could blow up over nothing. Last thing I actually recall her doing was a near-drowning incident in the bathtub, when I was around 6. To this day … and I’m 34, I DETEST water in my face, over my head, etc.
She’s also the queen of being able to say something to me … and I’m the only one who realizes it’s a dig. (hopefully this makes sense)

My father is an alcoholic … don’t think he was ever abusive to me. I haven’t spoken to him in over 13 years.

As far as … how does this affect my parenting skills? It’s hard to say.

First, I had DD1 early in life (22) … I was DETERMINED to “show the world” that I could be a good mother, despite having a ****** role model. Having DD2 was easier, since DH is very helpful, and hands on.

I see part of my mother’s temper in me … which upsets me greatly. I struggle with this … not as much as I have in the past, but it’s still not totally under control. It tends to raise it’s nasty head most often when I am tired.

I struggle with the “honor thy parents” commandment as well. I have trouble respecting my parents, because I don’t feel like they deserve respect … make sense?

My own experience with my mother helped me to develop a great love for Our Blessed Mother. My mother here on earth may have been a poor example, but, with Mary, I have the greatest role model there is. I also take great comfort in knowing that she was watching over me all those years, before I knew anything about her.

DH helps tremendously, as well. He helps to remnd me, that maybe, my mother did the best she was capable of.

Prayers going up for all of us …

 

[VAC]

He helps to remnd me, that maybe, my mother did the best she was capable of.
…

I don’t buy this argument for a second. People can chose to seek mental health counseling. People can seek help from their parish preist. People can chose to learn other ways of communicating and dealing with their stress. People can chose to change and improve. Those abusive parents in this thread chose not to, and they need to be held accountable for their choices.
I do advocate praying unceasingly for those who abused you; that they may be cured of their mental illness and addictions. I also advocate placing resposibility where it belongs.

 

[deb1]

?

My own experience with my mother helped me to develop a great love for Our Blessed Mother. My mother here on earth may have been a poor example, but, with Mary, I have the greatest role model there is. I also take great comfort in knowing that she was watching over me all those years, before I knew anything about her.

…

This is one of the reasons why I have always felt drawn to the Virgin Mary. I remember as a 16 year old Protestant going to a Catholic Church and feeling so drawn to the Blessed Mother. In her I had a stable mother.

 

[DiannaK]

I don’t buy this argument for a second. People can chose to seek mental health counseling. People can seek help from their parish preist. People can chose to learn other ways of communicating and dealing with their stress. People can chose to change and improve. Those abusive parents in this thread chose not to, and they need to be held accountable for their choices.
I do advocate praying unceasingly for those who abused you; that they may be cured of their mental illness and addictions. I also advocate placing resposibility where it belongs.

DH is NOT advocating totally blowing off/excusing what my mother, or other abusive parents did/have done. This was a comment that he made while we were discussing the issue. As I said, I have a very difficult time respecting her, because she doesn’t act respect-worthy.

I don’t make excuses for my mother, but, as I have gotten older, I’ve at least looked for the reasons behind her abuse. In my opinion, this helps me to understand my own situation a bit better, as well as help me in attempt to break that cycle of abuse/divorce. My mother was verbally abused by her father, and is most likely bi-polar. Once again, is this an excuse? Absolutely not … what she did was wrong. If she had not been abused/mentally ill/married to an alcoholic, would she have been abusive? Who knows?

I have a relationship with my mother … strained at best. I hold her at arms length, as I have done for many, many years. It’s a self protecting mechanism for me. I positively refuse to expose any vulnerability to her at all, because I do not trust her. Will I have to answer for that to Our Lord? Who knows? That’s a choice I make to keep myself sane.

 

[rayne89]

I don’t buy this argument for a second. People can chose to seek mental health counseling. People can seek help from their parish preist. People can chose to learn other ways of communicating and dealing with their stress. People can chose to change and improve. Those abusive parents in this thread chose not to, and they need to be held accountable for their choices.
I do advocate praying unceasingly for those who abused you; that they may be cured of their mental illness and addictions. I also advocate placing resposibility where it belongs.

When my mother and I went to counseling (when I was an adult) I also had private counseling sessions without my mother present. The couselor helped me see things differently. After trying to work with my mom and I for several sessions she said she thought my mom was at a stage in her life after being through so much trauma she didn’t think she was capable of changing.

My mom’s father died when she was very little. She lived through WWII and the Nazi invasion in Italy, she left her fiance in Italy and moved to America at her mother’s urging. Married my dad whom she met in America. She later found out he concealed the fact that he could not father children. Their first adopted child had cancer at 18 months which survived after a removal of a kidney, their second adopted child (me) at 7 mo was diagnosed with life threatening heart defects, I nearly died. My sister had cancer reoccur at the age of 19 and she died at 21. I had two open heart surgeries as a child. My mother has been through alot. I can not imagine treating my child the way my mother treated me. I also can not imagine enduring what my mother did in her life time. Maybe I would have lost my mind too.

It helps to remind myself that for whatever reason God chose her to be my mother and maybe she did do the best she was capable of. Underneath all the blaming I truly think my mom is wracked with guilt which she tries to bury. She has to blame it on others because she can’t deal with taking on the responsibilty of what she did, she can’t face it.

My life is infinitely better than hers. I am at peace. I don’t blame her anymore. I hope and pray she finds peace for herself.

 

[Giannawannabe]

rayne,

you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. I think guilt is really a terrible thing. It can ruin someone’s mind and soul. Would your mom ever be open to confession? I’m sorry if I missed what your mother’s faith status is.

 

[VAC]

I have a relationship with my mother … strained at best. I hold her at arms length, as I have done for many, many years. It’s a self protecting mechanism for me. I positively refuse to expose any vulnerability to her at all, because I do not trust her. Will I have to answer for that to Our Lord? Who knows? That’s a choice I make to keep myself sane.

I could have written this myself. Same for my brother.

 

[rayne89]

rayne,

you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. I think guilt is really a terrible thing. It can ruin someone’s mind and soul. Would your mom ever be open to confession? I’m sorry if I missed what your mother’s faith status is.

I really wish she would go. I’ve been gently nudging her. She rides with us to Mass because she doesn’t drive. My hubby, daughter and I go to confession once a month. She waits for us in the lobby. During one of our discussions she proclaimed “There’s no way I’m confessing to a man, there should be women priests.” I told her there will never be women priests. She insists there will be.

Our last discussion was after Mass and she said “I’m not going in that box.” She has asthma/chronic bronchitis and small places make her feel like she can’t breath. But in all honestly I think it’s pride. I keep hoping and praying that someday she’ll finally have the courage to go.

 

[kamz]

I was sexually abused when I was 5 to 8 by a boy who was five years older than me.

I think that it is what has caused my migraine headaches (not sure of course) but they began about that time and I’ve had them ever since (I’m 33) I’ve forgiven the person who did this to me and my parents knew after I told them when I was 8 and they were wonderful and got me lots of help. I don’t feel guilt or anything, I was a child and didn’t understand at all what was going on.

I think I am a little more obsessed with where my kids are and who they are with than some of my friends and even my siblings, I do have bad dreams of my own kids being abused and I wake up crying and my husband has to hold me and tell me it won’t happen to them.

I do worry that it could happen to them but I don’t want to put that fear on them, I have always just really tried to let my kids know that if someone touches them, even a kid, in any way that they feel is not o.k. they can always, always, always come to me or their dad, grandparents, teacher etc. and that we will help them and they will never get in trouble for it.

I went through years and years of therapy and I think that really did help me so much, my parents were really on top of it, they wanted me to know it was not my fault, sometimes I would find my mom crying because she felt she had failed me, I never ever felt that way and she needed help so she could talk about her feelings too… it really does hurt the whole family.

 

[KCT]

I don’t buy this argument for a second. People can chose to seek mental health counseling. People can seek help from their parish preist. People can chose to learn other ways of communicating and dealing with their stress. People can chose to change and improve.

The problem is, the people who need to do these things, don’t realize they need to do these things! Many don’t see any problem w/ their behavior. You can’t make them see what they can’t see. —KCT

 

[BlestOne]

I have a question…
I noticed that as soon as my dad died my mom stopped going to mass. So it got me thinking… does anyone else share this experience? The abusive parent not going to mass and using the death of their spouse as the reason why? I mean really… my dad was 61 when he died…after lots of heart problems, yet mom uses his death as a reason to be mad at God! It makes no sense to me… I would have thought she would go more… I mean really!!! She works with nuns… don’t they say anything to her???

 

[Anne1964]

I have a question…
I noticed that as soon as my dad died my mom stopped going to mass. So it got me thinking… does anyone else share this experience? The abusive parent not going to mass and using the death of their spouse as the reason why? I mean really… my dad was 61 when he died…after lots of heart problems, yet mom uses his death as a reason to be mad at God! It makes no sense to me… I would have thought she would go more… I mean really!!! She works with nuns… don’t they say anything to her???

Interesting. I had the opposite experience. My father was also 61 when he died of a heart attack. My mother and I didn’t go back to Mass after his death. My father was the abusive parent, though. By that point he had so turned me against God and the Church that I stayed away for over 25 years.