Forbidden to speak of it...trying to forget I know

[skigirl1689]

I have a family member who I accidentally found out struggles with a mental illness. No one else in the family has any knowledge of it. I finally confessed to him/her that I knew and was forbidden to speak of it to him/her as this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.

He/she basically told me off and made me feel like I was the bad guy for confessing the knowledge and offering my support.

I want to forget I ever knew but it plagues me and I fear seeing this person will always spark this fear that I will slip up and say something that causes this person to think I am referring to the illness. It is hard as he/she is one of my closest relatives. I wish I never found out but the person’s actions led me to accidentally find out, I did not do anything to lead me to discover it.

I feel so burdened.

 

[Xantippe]

If you figured it out all by yourself, you would not be violating a confidence if you talked about it–this relative did not take you into their confidence. That’s not to say that you should share this information, but that if you did, it would not be the violation of a confidence.

skigirl1689 said:

“…this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.”

I find that all very unlikely. If the person sees mental illness as a personal weakness, it is very likely that he/she is not dealing effectively with it. Furthermore, the believing oneself to be better really cannot be taken at face value. My husband and I have an old friend who is bipolar, and whenever my husband talks to him, he always says he’s better (this despite the fact that all available evidence suggests the friend is spiraling down). Draw your own conclusions, based on the evidence that is at hand.

If you think that this person is in danger or in trouble or is harming others, do not hesitate to look for help. Otherwise, try to be discreet. If keeping your mouth shut is killing you, feel free to talk to a discreet clergyman or to student counseling (if you’re a college student).

Best wishes!

 

[Cricket2]

You might try to explain that you didn’t try to find out about this situation. Other than that, let it go and don’t worry over it. Let your knowledge remain as silent as possible, unless an event occurs that might mean you must intervene to help that person only.

It sounds like an honest mistake or coming of knowledge. I think the person affected will eventually see this. It is a shame that so many people are ashamed of mental health problems. Most of us are subject to some sort of mental health crisis in our lives, and it is this shame that keeps us from getting help sooner. It would save a lot of lives if people could move past that shame, as well as our society.

 

[mdgspencer]

I don’t think he should speak to others about this. That likely would permanently break their relationship permanently. If I was the person with the mental illness, I would not trust him from then on.
Of course if it true that he himself or others are in serious danger, that could be a different matter then. But then bad things could happen to their relationship as a result.

QUOTE=Xantippe;11692493]If you figured it out all by yourself, you would not be violating a confidence if you talked about it–this relative did not take you into their confidence. That’s not to say that you should share this information, but that if you did, it would not be the violation of a confidence.

skigirl1689 said:

“…this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.”

I find that all very unlikely. If the person sees mental illness as a personal weakness, it is very likely that he/she is not dealing effectively with it. Furthermore, the believing oneself to be better really cannot be taken at face value. My husband and I have an old friend who is bipolar, and whenever my husband talks to him, he always says he’s better (this despite the fact that all available evidence suggests the friend is spiraling down). Draw your own conclusions, based on the evidence that is at hand.

If you think that this person is in danger or in trouble or is harming others, do not hesitate to look for help. Otherwise, try to be discreet. If keeping your mouth shut is killing you, feel free to talk to a discreet clergyman or to student counseling (if you’re a college student).

Best wishes!

 

[Christy_Beth]

Being mentally ill myself, I know it’s hard to talk about it. But I also know I need to for my own health. The person with the mental illness needs to know that there is no shame in having these problems. I mean, no more stigma. If the family can’t accept this person with the mental illness, it speaks more about the family than anyone else. Oh, and if one person figured this out, there might be others in the family who have done the same. And pray like crazy that this person gets the help he/she needs. But that won’t happen until they accept the fact that they do need help.

 

[Annie39]

I have a family member who I accidentally found out struggles with a mental illness. No one else in the family has any knowledge of it. I finally confessed to him/her that I knew and was forbidden to speak of it to him/her as this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.

He/she basically told me off and made me feel like I was the bad guy for confessing the knowledge and offering my support.

I want to forget I ever knew but it plagues me and I fear seeing this person will always spark this fear that I will slip up and say something that causes this person to think I am referring to the illness. It is hard as he/she is one of my closest relatives. I wish I never found out but the person’s actions led me to accidentally find out, I did not do anything to lead me to discover it.

I feel so burdened.

If the person in queston did not tell you about the illness it is apparent to me that he didn’t feel comfortable telling you and probably would have preferred that you not bring it up to him. I wonder what your motive was for doing so.

Annie

 

[maryjk]

If you figured it out all by yourself, you would not be violating a confidence if you talked about it–this relative did not take you into their confidence. That’s not to say that you should share this information, but that if you did, it would not be the violation of a confidence.

The OP was asked to keep it confidential. So the OP *was *asked to keep a confidence.

The fact that the confidence was about mental illness shouldn’t matter. Nor should it matter how the OP found out.

If someone sees me at the hospital walking into the cancer center, they should keep it to themselves, if I ask them to keep it to. Why would it be any different if they saw me walking into a psychiatrist’s office?

How to do that might be difficult. Especially if you see this person a lot. It is a burden. And I would pray that I can keep this information to myself.

 

[skigirl1689]

I don’t think he should speak to others about this. That likely would permanently break their relationship permanently. If I was the person with the mental illness, I would not trust him from then on.
Of course if it true that he himself or others are in serious danger, that could be a different matter then. But then bad things could happen to their relationship as a result.

QUOTE=Xantippe;11692493]If you figured it out all by yourself, you would not be violating a confidence if you talked about it–this relative did not take you into their confidence. That’s not to say that you should share this information, but that if you did, it would not be the violation of a confidence.

skigirl1689 said:

“…this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.”

I find that all very unlikely. If the person sees mental illness as a personal weakness, it is very likely that he/she is not dealing effectively with it. Furthermore, the believing oneself to be better really cannot be taken at face value. My husband and I have an old friend who is bipolar, and whenever my husband talks to him, he always says he’s better (this despite the fact that all available evidence suggests the friend is spiraling down). Draw your own conclusions, based on the evidence that is at hand.

If you think that this person is in danger or in trouble or is harming others, do not hesitate to look for help. Otherwise, try to be discreet. If keeping your mouth shut is killing you, feel free to talk to a discreet clergyman or to student counseling (if you’re a college student).

Best wishes!

Thank you. It is difficult for me to know when it is serious enough to tell someone. The situation could become a matter of physical health. I guess I can say it concerns an eating disorder so from what I know it can be very easy to hide if it is bulimia or binge eating, and often these things morph together over time.

Being mentally ill myself, I know it’s hard to talk about it. But I also know I need to for my own health. The person with the mental illness needs to know that there is no shame in having these problems. I mean, no more stigma. If the family can’t accept this person with the mental illness, it speaks more about the family than anyone else. Oh, and if one person figured this out, there might be others in the family who have done the same. And pray like crazy that this person gets the help he/she needs. But that won’t happen until they accept the fact that they do need help.

I also have dealt with mental illness since 18 and I know the family is supportive as they supported me when I was extremely sick. This person knows this, but he/she doesn’t trust anyone.

I figured it out via an online presence of which the relative sent me info from his/her site and I visited the site. He/she had been hiding it from everyone, so I doubt anyone else knows.

If the person in queston did not tell you about the illness it is apparent to me that he didn’t feel comfortable telling you and probably would have preferred that you not bring it up to him. I wonder what your motive was for doing so.

Annie

Like I mentioned above, I suffer from mental illness. I tried hiding it, and it nearly killed me, literally. I want to support him/her so it doesn’t get to that point. I know now this person doesn’t want help, but I still fear for his/her wellbeing. If turning a blind eye is the right thing, than I feel I am not being a good Christian.

The OP was asked to keep it confidential. So the OP *was *asked to keep a confidence.

The fact that the confidence was about mental illness shouldn’t matter. Nor should it matter how the OP found out.

If someone sees me at the hospital walking into the cancer center, they should keep it to themselves, if I ask them to keep it to. Why would it be any different if they saw me walking into a psychiatrist’s office?

How to do that might be difficult. Especially if you see this person a lot. It is a burden. And I would pray that I can keep this information to myself.

Yes, I was not asking if I should break confidence; obviously I won’t unless I feel it is necessary to prevent him/her harming him/herself. I feel like I can no longer discuss food or this person’s general well being with said person. It’s like walking on eggshells constantly.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have a family member who I accidentally found out struggles with a mental illness. No one else in the family has any knowledge of it. I finally confessed to him/her that I knew and was forbidden to speak of it to him/her as this person never intended to tell anyone and sees the illness as a personal weakness. He/she did say he/she is doing better than a year and a half ago.

He/she basically told me off and made me feel like I was the bad guy for confessing the knowledge and offering my support.

I want to forget I ever knew but it plagues me and I fear seeing this person will always spark this fear that I will slip up and say something that causes this person to think I am referring to the illness. It is hard as he/she is one of my closest relatives. I wish I never found out but the person’s actions led me to accidentally find out, I did not do anything to lead me to discover it.

I feel so burdened.

If you forget, it may be unpleasant, but it will not be the end of the world. It would be unfortunate, but it is not like giving away to a Nazi that she has been hiding a Jewish family in her attic. Try to remember not to make any personal comments at all about this person, that would be kind to her, but do not get your insides twisted up about the possibility of making a mistake. This is not life-and-death, this is not on-pain-of-excommunication. It is important, but this is not on such a high plane of seriousness that you would let it keep you awake at night.