Forgive me- posted before, but I really, really need help understanding

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Deltadeliquent

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There has been some discussion lately about mens and women’s dating behavior , on this forum, so I’m going to ask a question too.

I’m sorry, I have posted about this situation before, but I just can’t get my head around what is truly happening, and what response I should take to make the best of it.

Old Situation: my husband and I retired and moved to a place that turned out to be totally unsuitable for me. He promptly went back to work, two weeks out of four. Half the time he is gone, I mean out of the country gone. I am left alone and isolated, bored out of my mind. We don’t fight much, but he’s been pretty insulting and disrespectful to me about not being happy in this new situation. I see the situation as a mistake to be remedied, no judgment included. It’s just an amoral thing to be fixed. I have come up with several ideas that give each of us a lot, not all, but a lot of what we each want. All of which have been rejected, mostly for money reasons.
He sees it as a character flaw in me, gosh there is something terribly wrong with me that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the woods with no people or nothing to do. It’s not that I just don’t like the place; I mean I wake up in the morning and think “how am I going to fill the hours?” It’s like being in prison alone. Like being a shut- in.
We are not yellers, but I’m a talker-outer, and he’s a sulker. Just our styles.

In 11 years, we have not been at odds about anything worth fighting about. We get along very well, and enjoy each other’s company.

We are spending some time in the city (down here) now, whilst he is working full time as a short time assignment. Three months. I’ve been able to join a gym, go to church, shop properly and I have dinner on the table every night. I’ve been trying to restore our love life, and our good feelings for each other. Up until yesterday, we had been getting along very well, and we both felt very happy. We’ve had some great talks, weighing the pros and cons of each job. We have been seriously talking about moving “down here”, even to the point of looking at real estate. Things have been good and felt normal to both of us. I had hope. For a change, I was feeling like his wife, rather than his problem.

New situation: In the mean time, out of the blue, he has been offered two jobs. One is back in the old country at an enormous salary, for three years. The other would be at a much more modest rate, here where we are living temporarily. Both are full time. Both would allow us the funds to buy “down here”. He has been enthusiastic about the overseas one even when I question him on whether he wants to do it. The other offer, he asked if the company he is working for now “down here” would be interested in him working full time. The idea being a full time ongoing job would allow us to get a mortage and buy down here. Our house in the other place could easily take two years or more to sell.

Everything was going great until yesterday. Suddenly he became sullen and expressed doubts about either option. He has lost his nerve. Even though everything is going very well, he is backing down. I’m Very scared that I’m going to have to go back the unsuitable place and rot alone whilst he gets to travel, earn money, see his family and friends. None of which I can do living there. The idea of this leads me to such despair. Back to praying for death.

Can someone please tell me what the ( ) is going on? For two years my husband has been all about money and earning more and more. Now he’s got an offer for six figures beginning with a five for three years(each!) in his home country (which he visits once a month) and he is balking. He has an offer “down here” for six figures starting with a one, and he is sulking.
Both make me happy, which should in turn, make him happier, and his life much, much better.

We’ve been blessed with two possible ways to fix it. Both of which offer him lots of money.
I don’t understand what is going on with him. And this latest setback has me totally stumped.
Do you think he wants me to leave? He says not. I’m very confused.
I love my husband very much and want to stay with him. But I can’t live alone in the woods and I don’t understand at all what is happening.
 
To be honest from what I have read I dont think it is you or your marriage or where you will love I think it is your husband. what struck me was the part where you said “For two years my husband has been
all about money and earning more and more.” Maybe the problem is for the past 2 years he has been striving to get these oppurtunities and make more money but now that he has achieved this he is still not happy.

Ecclesiastes 5:10
Whoever loves money never has money
enough; whoever loves wealth is never
satisfied with his income. This too is
meaningless.

praying for you both that gods will may be done in your lives
 
Does anyone think he’s tired of me and wants me to leave?
We are not married in the church and I am in the process to get our marriage convalidated.
But in all honesty, I’m starting to think that’s not wise, and that he is hoping I will leave him.
Any thoughts?
 
Why do you think he is hoping you will leave him; from your posts it does not seem that is the case. It seems as if he has some issues with money and places a lot of importance on it.

Mary.
 
I think that because he has been very angry about the situation, bagging on about needing more money, then we got better, he got these job offers, and now he’s back to not wanting any of them.
Seems to me he just wants to live on the top of his hill alone.
I am just so confused by him…
 
Sometimes we have to go to the source to find the answer. The only one who reslly knows if your husband, not us! How about if you two go to a restaurant with a quiet atmosphere and you telll him what you’ve told us, and explain that you want to discuss this but if he wants some time to think about his point of view, you are willing to wait (for some definite period of time, like the following Sunday), and make a definite plan for the discussion to actually occur, like the two of you will go out to dinner again.
 
St_Francis said:
Sometimes we have to go to the source to find the answer. The only one who really knows is your husband, not us! How about if you two go to a restaurant with a quiet atmosphere and you telll him what you’ve told us, and explain that you want to discuss this but if he wants some time to think about his point of view, you are willing to wait (for some definite period of time, like the following Sunday), and make a definite plan for the discussion to actually occur, like the two of you will go out to dinner again.
Click to expand...
 
You are assuming my husband wil be honest, or even talk to me about things.
I’m in a tizzy this morning.
You’re right, it’s not something a stranger might shed light on.
Thanks, guys. Praying for all of you.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
There has been some discussion lately about mens and women’s dating behavior , on this forum, so I’m going to ask a question too.

I’m sorry, I have posted about this situation before, but I just can’t get my head around what is truly happening, and what response I should take to make the best of it.

Old Situation: my husband and I retired and moved to a place that turned out to be totally unsuitable for me. He promptly went back to work, two weeks out of four. Half the time he is gone, I mean out of the country gone. I am left alone and isolated, bored out of my mind. We don’t fight much, but he’s been pretty insulting and disrespectful to me about not being happy in this new situation. I see the situation as a mistake to be remedied, no judgment included. It’s just an amoral thing to be fixed. I have come up with several ideas that give each of us a lot, not all, but a lot of what we each want. All of which have been rejected, mostly for money reasons.
He sees it as a character flaw in me, gosh there is something terribly wrong with me that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the woods with no people or nothing to do. It’s not that I just don’t like the place; I mean I wake up in the morning and think “how am I going to fill the hours?” It’s like being in prison alone. Like being a shut- in.
We are not yellers, but I’m a talker-outer, and he’s a sulker. Just our styles.

In 11 years, we have not been at odds about anything worth fighting about. We get along very well, and enjoy each other’s company.

We are spending some time in the city (down here) now, whilst he is working full time as a short time assignment. Three months. I’ve been able to join a gym, go to church, shop properly and I have dinner on the table every night. I’ve been trying to restore our love life, and our good feelings for each other. Up until yesterday, we had been getting along very well, and we both felt very happy. We’ve had some great talks, weighing the pros and cons of each job. We have been seriously talking about moving “down here”, even to the point of looking at real estate. Things have been good and felt normal to both of us. I had hope. For a change, I was feeling like his wife, rather than his problem.

New situation: In the mean time, out of the blue, he has been offered two jobs. One is back in the old country at an enormous salary, for three years. The other would be at a much more modest rate, here where we are living temporarily. Both are full time. Both would allow us the funds to buy “down here”. He has been enthusiastic about the overseas one even when I question him on whether he wants to do it. The other offer, he asked if the company he is working for now “down here” would be interested in him working full time. The idea being a full time ongoing job would allow us to get a mortage and buy down here. Our house in the other place could easily take two years or more to sell.

Everything was going great until yesterday. Suddenly he became sullen and expressed doubts about either option. He has lost his nerve. Even though everything is going very well, he is backing down. I’m Very scared that I’m going to have to go back the unsuitable place and rot alone whilst he gets to travel, earn money, see his family and friends. None of which I can do living there. The idea of this leads me to such despair. Back to praying for death.

Can someone please tell me what the ( ) is going on? For two years my husband has been all about money and earning more and more. Now he’s got an offer for six figures beginning with a five for three years(each!) in his home country (which he visits once a month) and he is balking. He has an offer “down here” for six figures starting with a one, and he is sulking.
Both make me happy, which should in turn, make him happier, and his life much, much better.

We’ve been blessed with two possible ways to fix it. Both of which offer him lots of money.
I don’t understand what is going on with him. And this latest setback has me totally stumped.
Do you think he wants me to leave? He says not. I’m very confused.
I love my husband very much and want to stay with him. But I can’t live alone in the woods and I don’t understand at all what is happening.
Click to expand...
Do you have transportation? Have you gotten into a local parish yet? A lot of parishes have multiple activities going on all week.
How is it that you two happen to have moved to where you are? Did you scope the place out first? Why did he have to go back to work?
Have you looked into the kind of activities or sports that they have in the area (hiking, crafts, etc)?
 
Yes, I’m mobile.
We decided to move to Canada after retirement and wound up looking on the West Coast because I used to live in Oregon and it is similar. We wound up in the particular place that we did because it’s as far south as we could afford to pay cash. I never though the previous owners would agree to our low ball offer, but they did.
He says he loves it, but went right back to work.
We do not need the money. We have a generous pension and extensive savings. No debt at all. He just wanted to top up the funds and one year became two, then became as long as they will have them, and now he thinking of going full time because he thinks I want him to.
I don’t. I want him to stay home. I want to move away from where we are to somewhere, anywhere that I can go to church, find a job, makes friends, do charity work, and get to a grocery store without it taking literally all day. I don’t care if he works or not.
There is no local parish, there are no jobs, no stores no nothing. We literally live in the woods. We were going to buy a boat and explore, but with him not home so much, none of our plans are possible. I feel like he changed the rules of the game. So now I am on board with another game , with different rules, but now he doesn’t want to play that one either.
I honestly don’t know what he wants. He says he doesn’t want to work, but he actively persued both opportunities. He loves the woods, but is only there half time. He doesn’t miss his family and friends, but he leaves early or extends his trips to Europe in Order to see them.
I thought we had settled on the city we are spending some temporary time in now.
I thought God had handed us two good options that would satisfy his desire for more money, and my desire to get away for good.
But considering his behaviour and comments yesterday, I worry that he really just wants me gone instead and- or if he decides to take either job, I’ll spend the rest of my life "paying"for it…

I don’t understand why he wants so much money, and I don’t understand why he might prefer sabotaging getting some more by not taking either job offer. God has given him what he wants but now he doesn’t want it. Maybe he is the type that can never be happy and I just haven’t realized until now.
I’m very confused.

When he is home we do kayak dome, but the season is short. I’m not much a hiker and anyway, there’s not much to see. Biking? We can go around and around on the roads but never go anywhere. We are on an island.
 
Since money doesn’t seem to be a problem, can you get a small rental for yourself “down here” while your husband is out of town and then when he returns, go up to the wilderness to be with him? Maybe get a short lease and see how it works? That’s one idea.

From what you wrote it doesn’t seem like he wants to leave you. It seems like he is just getting older and worrying about security as you both age. And in his mind, no amount of money is enough. Honestly, I think a lot of older men feel this way. Also, they don’t want to be obsolete, their identity is in their work, so they don’t want to retire. Ever.

It also might help if you could develop some hobbies of your own that you can do while you are with him in the wilderness… do you like to sew? knit? read? paint? Dogs are great companions.

You mentioned you were going to buy a boat… so buy a boat and hire someone to show YOU how to run it. Become a sailor on your own! It’s just a thought.

Also, can you have family or friends come up to stay with you for a few days in the wilderness when your husband is out of town? That might be fun, too.

Ultimately, I think it might help you to develop a life of your own as your husband has done.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
Old Situation: my husband and I retired and moved to a place that turned out to be totally unsuitable for me. He promptly went back to work, two weeks out of four. Half the time he is gone, I mean out of the country gone. I am left alone and isolated, bored out of my mind. We don’t fight much, but he’s been pretty insulting and disrespectful to me about not being happy in this new situation. I see the situation as a mistake to be remedied, no judgment included. It’s just an amoral thing to be fixed. I have come up with several ideas that give each of us a lot, not all, but a lot of what we each want. All of which have been rejected, mostly for money reasons.

He sees it as a character flaw in me, gosh there is something terribly wrong with me that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the woods with no people or nothing to do. It’s not that I just don’t like the place; I mean I wake up in the morning and think “how am I going to fill the hours?” It’s like being in prison alone. Like being a shut- in.
We are not yellers, but I’m a talker-outer, and he’s a sulker. Just our styles.

**You can point out to him that he isn’t doing the thing he wants you to do–he is with people half the time, on the island half the time. You are on the island all the time.
**

In 11 years, we have not been at odds about anything worth fighting about. We get along very well, and enjoy each other’s company.

We are spending some time in the city (down here) now, whilst he is working full time as a short time assignment. Three months. I’ve been able to join a gym, go to church, shop properly and I have dinner on the table every night. I’ve been trying to restore our love life, and our good feelings for each other.

That’s great!!!

Up until yesterday, we had been getting along very well, and we both felt very happy. We’ve had some great talks, weighing the pros and cons of each job. We have been seriously talking about moving “down here”, even to the point of looking at real estate. Things have been good and felt normal to both of us. I had hope. For a change, I was feeling like his wife, rather than his problem.

New situation: In the mean time, out of the blue, he has been offered two jobs. One is back in the old country at an enormous salary, for three years. The other would be at a much more modest rate, here where we are living temporarily. Both are full time. Both would allow us the funds to buy “down here”.

For goodness sake, don’t immediately buy anything in a new area. I know your market moves quickly, but given transaction costs, it’s worthwhile to sell your house on the island, move to a new location, get the feel of the area, and then buy in 6 months (ideally, a year, but I’m trying to be realistic).

He has been enthusiastic about the overseas one even when I question him on whether he wants to do it. The other offer, he asked if the company he is working for now “down here” would be interested in him working full time. The idea being a full time ongoing job would allow us to get a mortage and buy down here. Our house in the other place could easily take two years or more to sell.

**Really? That’s awful.

Could you move it faster if you were more aggressive on price? From everything you’ve said, it would be worth it to you. **

Everything was going great until yesterday. Suddenly he became sullen and expressed doubts about either option. He has lost his nerve. Even though everything is going very well, he is backing down. I’m Very scared that I’m going to have to go back the unsuitable place and rot alone whilst he gets to travel, earn money, see his family and friends. None of which I can do living there. The idea of this leads me to such despair. Back to praying for death.

Can someone please tell me what the ( ) is going on? For two years my husband has been all about money and earning more and more. Now he’s got an offer for six figures beginning with a five for three years(each!) in his home country (which he visits once a month) and he is balking. He has an offer “down here” for six figures starting with a one, and he is sulking.
Both make me happy, which should in turn, make him happier, and his life much, much better.

We’ve been blessed with two possible ways to fix it. Both of which offer him lots of money.
I don’t understand what is going on with him. And this latest setback has me totally stumped.
Do you think he wants me to leave? He says not. I’m very confused.
I love my husband very much and want to stay with him. But I can’t live alone in the woods and I don’t understand at all what is happening.
Click to expand...
The loss on the house is probably killing him.

The only thing that I can think of (aside from marriage counseling, which doesn’t sound very promising in your case), is a heart to heart with a realtor and an accountant.

I suspect that he is fretting over pennies and losing dollars. Talk to the realtor, figure out how much the loss on the house would probably be, and then take it to an accountant and discuss how much he’d need to make on his new jobs to compensate for the losses on the house. I strongly suspect that the accountant is going to tell him to suck it up, take one of the new jobs and sell the house.

I have some relatives in your area who own both a big house on the mainland and a small place on an island, and (although they have had many happy weekends there), it’s such a money pit. They noticed after a while that every single repair bill from their island handyman had three zeroes on the end. Plus there’s the commuting costs via ferry.

Oh, and I’d also suggest working up a budget for your husband and explaining how much it costs to have an island house rather than living closer to civilization. I suspect that your grocery and transportation costs are pretty shocking.

Good luck!
 
I think you are right about the money.
But he news has a chance at some mongo money and doesn’t want it. That’s why I’m so confused.
I do have hobbies. But you have to understand, this place is bad for me.
I go two weeks straight without seeing or talking to anyone.
Then I have two weeks with a husband who is not happy to see me.
He says it’s because I’m unhappy, but doesn’t really want to do anything to change that.
We have lots of pets.
My son, and his daughter came for Christmas our first winter.
Both vowed never to return. I don’t blame them!

The house is on the market. It’s been almost a year and have had four showings. The market is very slow, we live in a place most people can only bear for a couple of weeks. In other words, it’s a great vacation place. Properties elsewhere in the area closer to a town will cost us a lot more.

The jobs, either of them, would mitigate that cost. But now he’s balking. Not said no, but unhappy to be saying yes.
Don’t get me started on the ferries…it costs us $60.00 to get to town even before we step I to the shop.

I’m wondering why he is so reluctant to take either job so we can change the situation.
What’s suddennky stopping him after weeks of planning, thinking , negotiating, weighing up pros and cons. They flew him to Luxenbourg for an Interview and he was fine with that.
Why they sudden change of heart? Two days ago he was happy, flattered and excited.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
I think you are right about the money.
But he news has a chance at some mongo money and doesn’t want it. That’s why I’m so confused.
I do have hobbies. But you have to understand, this place is bad for me.
I go two weeks straight without seeing or talking to anyone.
Then I have two weeks with a husband who is not happy to see me.
He says it’s because I’m unhappy, but doesn’t really want to do anything to change that.
We have lots of pets.
My son, and his daughter came for Christmas our first winter.
Both vowed never to return. I don’t blame them!

The house is on the market. It’s been almost a year and have had four showings. The market is very slow, we live in a place most people can only bear for a couple of weeks. In other words, it’s a great vacation place. Properties elsewhere in the area closer to a town will cost us a lot more.

The jobs, either of them, would mitigate that cost. But now he’s balking. Not said no, but unhappy to be saying yes.
Don’t get me started on the ferries…it costs us $60.00 to get to town even before we step I to the shop.
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Gah.

I’m sure your husband is a smart business guy, but does he realize he’s making the sunk cost fallacy with your island house?

lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

I’m a big Dave Ramsey fan, and one way he gets people out of the sunk cost fallacy when they own expensive white elephants is to ask them, “If you had it to do over, would you buy this thing again?” If you wouldn’t buy it again, you need to sell it.

I’m familiar with the OP’s general area, and it would be VERY depressing to winter on a small island off the coast of British Columbia. Winter is essentially 10 months out of the year and a lot of the enjoyable outdoor activities are only going to be enjoyable two months out of the year. Add in isolation and it’s pretty grim.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
I do have hobbies. But you have to understand, this place is bad for me.
I go two weeks straight without seeing or talking to anyone.
Then I have two weeks with a husband who is not happy to see me.
He says it’s because I’m unhappy, but doesn’t really want to do anything to change that.
We have lots of pets.
My son, and his daughter came for Christmas our first winter.
Both vowed never to return. I don’t blame them!

Don’t get me started on the ferries…it costs us $60.00 to get to town even before we step I to the shop.
Click to expand...
Okay, I understand better now. Yeah, you gotta get out.

Can you just go buy a place in civilization by yourself? Tell your husband you’d love to have him join you, but either way you can’t survive in the woods.
 
newf said:
Okay, I understand better now. Yeah, you gotta get out.

Can you just go buy a place in civilization by yourself? Tell your husband you’d love to have him join you, but either way you can’t survive in the woods.
Click to expand...
Back in civilization, an entry level home costs one million dollars, so buying is a big deal.

crackshackormansion.com/

Deltadelinquent,

I know you’ve had less than satisfactory results with selling your current place, but have you tried putting it on Craigslist yourself and pushing it hard? It might be that you’d do a better job selling it than a realtor would.
 
Xantippe said:
Back in civilization, an entry level home costs one million dollars, so buying is a big deal.

crackshackormansion.com/

Deltadelinquent,

I know you’ve had less than satisfactory results with selling your current place, but have you tried putting it on Craigslist yourself and pushing it hard? It might be that you’d do a better job selling it than a realtor would.
Click to expand...
Whoa, thanks for that info! That certainly does complicate things.

Craigslist is a good idea.
 
newf said:
Whoa, thanks for that info! That certainly does complicate things.

Craigslist is a good idea.
Click to expand...
We have family in BC and their new house cost almost exactly 10X more than our house in TX (which is a big house in a nice neighborhood).

BC real estate is mind-boggling.
 
Never thought about Craigslist.
I can’t do anything with the house by myself with a realtor. I asked if I could lower the price on my own and they wouldn’t have it.
Funny, in the UK I was a person in my own right. I had a joint account with my husband, but I could control anything in that account.
We have a canadain account, joint now. But all I can do is deposit and take out. They won’t even speak to me about the credit card because he is the “primary”. They don’t do that in the UK. Joint means equal…here joint means husband and the little wifey. it galls me, and he thinks it’s funny.

Anyway, thanks, Xan for the support.

I’m really looking for information about the mystery that arrived at my door yesterday.
My husband was happy, flattered, excited, talkative about both opportunities. We were discussing what to ask for, what we could live without, and how much… The European company has pretty much said “name your price”. And both companies came to him, not the other way around.
Yesterday it all changed and he was back to being unhappy. He doesn’t want to take either job now. I’ve made it clear that I’d love to go back to the country I feel is home, but I’m good with either choice. I’ve told him outright that my win is being able to move away from that little island. I don’t even care where as long as it’s not isolated. I have three passports and we could live in Europe, Canada, or the US. We nixed the US because of health insurance.
But, man! We can go anywhere we want to live within most of the developed world. We have no debt, he can make beaucoup bucks, and we have substantial savings.
We love each other, at at least, I think I’m good with God, or at least trying. (He’s not Interested). Both our children are healthy, and although my son is a bit unstable these days, his daughter is in university on the states money. We are still both healthy and in our fifties. We love each other. … What’s not to be happy with?
I don’t understand him theses days.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
You are assuming my husband wil be honest, or even talk to me about things.
I’m in a tizzy this morning.
You’re right, it’s not something a stranger might shed light on.
Thanks, guys. Praying for all of you.
Click to expand...
I wrote this while you were writing yours, so it may not ft in with all you’ve now told us. ETA: or for some odd reason your post did not show up sooner… :o

You’ve been married ti him for 11 years–do you have reason to believe he would be dishonest? That he wouod refuse to discuss it?

Are you in a position to be on your own? Iirc, you felt that you would be able to support yourself… but it’s been a while since you posted about this the first time. If you do think you could do that, tell him pretty much what you told us, and that you would like to work things out between you, with your not being in the island cabin, but that if he doesnmt want to work things out, you are going to get a job and move by yourself.

But first–consider the financial situation for the two of you if you two take a total loss on the cabin–can your finances handle that? If so, why not suggest to him to keep it on the market and use it as a get-away place for the both of you together until it sells, or keeping it for yourselves as a get-away.

He may feel guilty about this whole situation, which he was always viewing as temporary and now it’s been a long time and could go permanent. In that case, you might need to let him know that you still love him and don’t hold this against him: you just need things *now *to change. If he is thinking he wants one job ir the other and is thinking that you want something different, that may be blocking him.

The only problem is that you won’t know until you can talk with him. you could tell him you feel some urgency about the two of you having a conversation because yiu know he has worked to be at this point for a long time, and now you are afraid that he may be feeling that something in your relationship will go wrong if he does the wrong thing or something like that, bit that you are actually happy for him to have attained this.
 
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