Forgiveness & establishing a Catholic home

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Pianofish

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I need some help with forgiveness. Please excuse the length of this post. I’d like to make sure you can understand where I am coming from.

As I progress through the various states of life (marriage, now expecting first child) and prepare for my vocation as a wife and now mother, I find I am becoming more and more angry with my own mother for not providing me with a Catholic home while growing up. When my husband and I married, it was made clear to us that we were to be the sole persons responsible for the Catholic education and spiritual development of the children. When I spoke to our priest about baptism once the baby is born he again reiterated that WE (the parents) must take on the responsibility to raise the child Catholic.

(This is where a bit of a rant begins.) Somehow, my mom missed this memo. My dad wasn’t Catholic so I don’t harbor resentment toward him. She sent my sibling and I to “Catholic” school. Here are some things I missed even attending “Catholic” schools. I was never taught that being in a state of grace is a requirement for communion and this was never taught in the home even though my mom is aware of this. We barely went to Sunday Mass unless it was a guilt trip from my mom. We never prayed as a family. I remember saying my bedtime prayers only because somehow I figured I should, not because my mom ever prayed with me. I was given religious articles as gifts but I saw them as decorations and not as sacramentals. I only learned about the lives of the saints through family friends, otherwise I wouldn’t have known of the saints growing up. We said grace at meals only because my mom forced us to, but it was always me or my sibling leading it, never her. I only just recently learned several of the most important prayers (St. Michael, Hail Holy Queen, Creed) because I returned to my faith and found it necessary to say them. I had no idea what adoration was even though there was a chapel with perpetual adoration about 20 minutes from our house. Basically, the beauty of the traditions and culture of the faith wasn’t present or given any importance in our home. Recently my mom told me that at one point when I was in middle school she realized that the “Catholic” education she was paying for wasn’t providing me with the basic Catholic teachings for a sufficient spiritual development… and that was it. She knew I wasn’t getting what I needed as a Catholic child yet she did nothing to try to fix it! Now she is so upset and judges my sibling for falling away from the faith but it’s so obvious why this happened!

I could go on and on because I really have that much anger pent up inside me about this. I want to talk to her about it but don’t know what good that would do; I feel she would be so hurt thinking she was doing what was best by sending us to “Catholic” school. However, it’s getting in the way of my relationship with her because now that I’m preparing to be a mom I’m frantically trying to learn how to have a Catholic home since that was not at all what I grew up with. I feel very lost and I don’t think she has anything to offer as far as the most important responsibility I have with this new baby - raising him or her in the faith. She thinks every woman should turn to her mom for help when pregnant and I just don’t agree because of this resentment I have toward her.

So, here is where I need help.
  1. How do I forgive her and move on?
  2. What are the best things I can do to establish a Catholic home for this new soul God has willingly given me and my husband the responsibility of raising?
  3. If you have been through this, would you mind sharing how you overcame your resentment?
  4. Prayers are always welcome.
 
My childhood was similar to yours in that my mother was a Catholic and my father didn’t go to church. I was in public school with my siblings, but just attended Mass on Sundays because my mother made me. I received my sacraments because “had to” and not because I understood them to be important.

I am no expert, but I can say that certain things made a difference for me.
  1. How to forgive? People can only give what they have. I’m sure your mother did/could not appreciate the fullness and beauty of our faith. She provided what she thought was best – a Catholic education. She understood that it fell short, but probably did not know how to make things “right.” Forgive her for not providing you with what you needed because she may not have possessed it herself.
  2. How to establish Catholic home: HOMESCHOOL your children!! That was how I “relearned” all the things that went in one ear and out the other because it wasn’t reinforced at home. As I taught my children, I learned and grew in my faith, which in turn helps reinforce Catholic living in our home on an ongoing basis. Attending daily Mass, praying a decade of the Rosary before school begins, going to Adoration, praying the Angelus at noon, befriending other like-minded families.
  3. I can’t harbor resentment towards my mother as I know her life was very difficult during our childhood. She made do with what she had and at least provided me with the basic core principle that the Catholic Church is the only church with the truth – however little understanding I had of our faith. How could I stray from that? I feel truly blessed to be able to homeshcool and teach my children our faith on a regular basis. It would have been so much harder to live and teach my faith to our children if we didn’t immerse ourselves in it here at home.
  4. My prayers are with you that you can find it in your heart to forgive your mother. I don’t believe she was purposefully withholding from you the beauty of faith. She probably could not give something she didn’t have herself. Parenting is extremely difficult at times and we make many mistakes along the way. Thank God for opening your eyes as a mother to see the importance of a Catholic education for your children. You will grow as a mother in ways you never thought possible!
As far as turning to your mother when pregnant – although not looking for advice on matters of faith, but maybe for general issues like how to deal with pregnancy swelling, weight gain, Braxton-Hicks contractions; or mothering issues like how to tend to baby when baby is sick, advice on nursing, advice on potty training, etc. She wants to be there for you because she’s been there herself.

May God bless you and your family, including your mother, that you only grow in love for God and one another!

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
Forgiveness is tough for anyone.

Remember there are no perfect people in the world. Including you.

RememberJesus himself said we are to forgive. I had a priest tell me very directly once forgiveness is not an option for a Christian.

Pray, pray, pray and pray some more. God will help you as you need it.

Focus on the good things you had. Did you have two parents growing up? Many didn’t. You got to go Catholic schools right? Many didn’t have that option. Were you abused as a child? Many were. Was your home stable and safe growing up? Many were not. Develop an attitude of gratitude.
 
Pianofish said:
So, here is where I need help.
  1. How do I forgive her and move on?
  2. What are the best things I can do to establish a Catholic home for this new soul God has willingly given me and my husband the responsibility of raising?
  3. If you have been through this, would you mind sharing how you overcame your resentment?
  4. Prayers are always welcome.
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You are obviously upset, and have a right to your feelings - I don’t want to seem like I’m minimizing that in any way.

My mother was much like your in that she believed sending me to a Catholic school and attending mass was sufficient - our home life was much like you describe.

My own forgiveness to her for many many issues that occurred during my childhood came after I’d been a mom myself for awhile - I didn’t make her mistakes necessarily - but I made others. And now that my children are older, I look back and regret many of those - but I also have come to see I did the best I could at the time with what I knew then and the resources I had then. In forgiving myself for my errors, I also (finally!) realized that my mom, too, was doing the best she could within the limits of what she knew, what resources (knowledge, energy, strength, emotional/mental ability, etc) she had, and the situations she was facing.

So if you can, maybe try looking at it as what she missed out on as well and that her failures were do to her humanity rather than out of lack of love towards you.
Dear Lord,

Bless Pianofish and her family. Guide them as they raise this new life and heal the anger and hurt caused by the past. Protect them from all evil. Grant them healing, grant them wisdom, give them strength, grant them peace.

Amen.

((HUGS))
CJ
 
Lack of adequate spiritual instruction is only one thing on the list of short comings in my mother’s parenting style. I try to focus on remembering the things she did well and realize that I have too much to do myself to waste time dwelling on what she didn’t do. Obviously, you can’t use your childhood as an example of a Catholic home, so you should probably seek out some other examples. THere’s lots of blogs and resources on the internet that have good ideas for making the home a good, Catholic environment. If you feel your mom is being too judgemental about your siblings, you can point out that everyone has to make their own spiritual journey and since she’s left them pretty much on their own regarding their faith, she can’t really complain about how long its taking.
Or better yet, you could just avoid the subject with her and leave your siblings’ relationship with her up to them. There are many aspects of parenting that I would never go to my mother on, but there are lots of thing I can go to her on. For example; nursery decorating, Halloween costume making, homemade baby food, Easter dress shopping, hair care, etc. Is there anything that your mom is good at that you can get her involved with?
 
I am not sure that you will be able to forgive your mother because you are still blaming her even all these years later for what she did or failed to do. You have a lot of anger and resentment toward her too.

Here are a few things to think about. Your mom did not intentionally omit things. She taught what she knew. Maybe it is now not enough for you, but it is in the past. Holding a grudge now for what she failed to teach you then is, honestly, immature. If this is all your mom did “wrong” consider yourself blessed. Do not look down upon your mom now that you know the truth, but strive to teach your child what you missed. No good will come from being angry at your mom.

There comes a point in your life, perhaps it comes when you have children, that you see your parents with different eyes. As a child, you don’t know the daily emotional or spiritual struggles your own parents faced. You may think your parents looked calm or had things under control, but sometimes we have no idea what they faced until we are older and can see more clearly, just by being older ourselves and having more life experience.

Years ago, but not too many, I realized that my parents did **the best they knew how. ** They could not give what they did not have, they could not be who they were not. Note: I am not speaking about child abusers, alcoholics or addicts. I am speaking of parents that provided for their family, but may have missed the mark in their parenting skills in nurturing, spiritual advice and involvement. Their own upbringing may have kept them from being the parents we thought we wanted or needed.

No good will come from you telling your mom everything she did wrong with regards to your Catholic upbringing. It’s in the past and to throw blame on her now will change nothing about your past.

If you are “frantically trying to learn how to have a Catholic home” I think that you need to take a breath and take one step at a time. You are working yourself into a state that you do not need to be in.

The best thing you can do is to lead your child by example. And that means you should be an example of someone with a forgiving heart. Go on with your life and your husband and child. Do what you can to give your child what you realize now that you missed. Let go of your old life and maybe your heart will open to forgiveness.

May God bless you and guide you.
 
Previous posters have given much good insight. I’ll add my reflections when I read your post, and a little background. I was raised by a Catholic dad and a Protestant mom. Due to my dad’s odd and changing work schedule, we went to Mass and I went to CCD because I was a public school kid. Outside of that, and possibly because my mom had some mixed feelings about Catholics, we weren’t big “joiners” in parish activities. I didn’t get to know that many parishioners.

We didn’t really do Catholic devotions or other faith building at home that much. My mom gave me an appreciation of Scripture and impressed on me to be a more than “going through the motions” Catholic. 😉 I learned more about my faith as an adult, beginning with the campus Newman Center when I was in college, retreats I went on, and eventually working at a Catholic bookstore. And of course online here at CAF and other places!

I have compared my faith formation with what some of the others my age got and sure, there was some longing in my heart for what I didn’t get. But who knows - maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated it at the time. Maybe I would’ve even rebelled. God has brought into my life what I can now appreciate. I trust His timing.

Life’s too short to hold a grudge. Your mom really doesn’t sound that different from many other Catholic parents who maybe didn’t have a chance to understand the depth of the riches we have to draw on. It sounds as if her heart is open to new learning. That is a great gift! So many folks are not only close-minded, but openly hostile. Be thankful she is not like that. She may in fact be being drawn by the Holy Spirit to deepen her own faith and devotion - and you and her expected grandchild may be instruments of that for her! What an honor may await you to discover new things together! :yup: So put aside the negative and embrace the positive opportunities.

This is your first baby, right? Could it be that pregnancy and the knowledge of what lies ahead makes you understandably a bit overwhelmed at times, maybe feeling under some pressure to make everything perfect? Maybe trying to plan too much, analyze too much, etc., and that leads to seeing the glass half empty? That’s human, that’s normal, when we face a big life transition. Perhaps God is wanting to say to you “Relax, I got this.” Put it in His hands and trust, let Him lead, and when you start to worry or feel resentful, recognize you’re trying to take back that control. It’s not necessary. This could be the beginning of something great! May God bless you, your mom, and your baby abundantly. :heaven:
 
I can empathize with you greatly. I did not even grow up in Christian home at all so not only did I not receive a Christian education, I was never taken to Church by my parents. When I did go, it was because caring relatives or friends took me. It is only by the grace of God that I am a Christian (soon to be Catholic Christian!) today.

Further, my mom stayed with my verbally and emotionally abusive father (who was a perpetual adulterer) until three years ago. Yes, I could harbor a lot of resentment toward her and I did for many, many years, but here’s the thing: my mother did the best she could with what she had. Her own mother had committed adultery and bore another man’s child. She and my grandfather had divorced and my mom had spent her childhood between her parent’s homes and was caught in the middle of the constant battles over money, visitation, etc. She did not want my brother and I to experience that so she stayed and bore the humiliation and abuse.

Now that I’m a mother, I fully realize my own inadequacies with my children. I do my best, but there are some areas that fail often at, too, no matter how hard I try. There is a LOT of guilt in parenting and I’m sure your own mother felt it but didn’t have the proper tools to correct it. I’m 99% sure that you will have those areas in your own motherhood as well. We all do. The only thing we can do is to keep striving toward the goal. We will fail, but there is God’s grace and forgiveness for when we do. Therefore, we should all be better at extending that same grace and forgiveness toward those we believe have failed us.
 
slh3016 said:
The only thing we can do is to keep striving toward the goal. We will fail, but there is God’s grace and forgiveness for when we do. Therefore, we should all be better at extending that same grace and forgiveness toward those we believe have failed us.
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Amen to that!
 
slh3016 said:
my mother did the best she could with what she had.
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This, times a thousand. I spent many years focused on all of my mother’s mistakes and faults. After she died about a year ago, I had time to reflect on her life in a more “adult” way, and realized what an amazing job she did as a parent, given what she had to work with.

If you really want to establish a Catholic home, forgiveness must be the foundation of everything. Of course it can be difficult, but there are two ways to make it easier and eventually effortless. One is to completely focus on gratitude. I don’t even know you (original poster), but I can still guarantee you have many things to legitimately be grateful to your mother for. Reflect on one every day. The second way is to pray constantly. Commit to praying a rosary for your mother every day for a certain period of time, regardless of your feelings about her. You will be AMAZED at how your attitude changes.

Also, I second the suggestion to homeschool your child. 👍👍👍
 
I have to say, I’ve never heard of anyone being resentful because they weren’t raised more Catholic. If you didn’t receive the education you think you should have had, then you have to educate yourself now to fill in the holes. Your mother probably thought she was doing the right thing at the time. No parent is perfect. That’s the key to forgiveness. You won’t be perfect either.
I grew up in a family where my father was a non practicing Catholic and my mother was not religious at all. She had a black dog she named Satan. Imagine living a block away from the Catholic parish and school and being asked to call in the dog from outside “here Satan, Satan come in now”. We children were sent to Catholic school but there was absolutely no religious stuff in the home and no prayers at home. My parents only came to the church for the main “events” like first communion and confirmation. I suspect it was my grandmother’s idea that we even went to Catholic school to begin with. The school was solid teaching back then, but it did create a conflict to be taught one thing at school and come home and it was the opposite. I don’t have any resentment about it - it just made things difficult to sort through in terms of how life worked.
 
I read this board a lot, and lately I’ve noticed several posts that point to the shortcomings of their parents. Sigh.

OP-
Did they at least teach you the Our Father in Catholic schools? If so, do you remember the line that goes “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” ?

That’s how you learn to forgive your mother. You forgive her because you will not want your child or children to hold* your *parenting mistakes against you.

You seem to want to try very hard to be a good Catholic mother and establish a Catholic home. Your child could hold* that against you *someday.

I went through 12 years of Catholic schools. There’s a whole lot that they didn’t teach me about the faith and some things that they taught me that wasn’t correct. My parents did a better job that what you say your mom did, yet I still had gaping holes in my Catholic education. Oh well. I decided to try better for my children. That’s one reason I homeschool now, yet I’m rather confident that somewhere along the line one or more of my children will resent the way they were educated. And when they find the gaping hole that I left somewhere in their education, I hope that inspires them to do better for their children.

Goodness knows, there’s a lot to learn about every subject! The further a person get into studying something, they more they realize how little they know! The great theologian, St. Thomas Aquinas, towards the end of his life had a mystical experience, and then looked upon all the great works he’d written-- and called it all straw. The more we learn, the more we realize we don’t know much. And the same can be said for parenting.
  • Please *stop expecting parents to be practically perfect in every way. Parents are people. They have flaws. Even the best parents are flawed,–terribly, terribly flawed. We’re part of a fallen humanity. Maybe your school didn’t teach you about original sin and the effects the it leaves on our souls even after baptism either.
Okay, I’m getting off the computer right now. If I stayed here to explain to you more about why you should forgive your mother for being imperfect, you might have to one day explain to my children why their mom was on the computer instead of playing Bananagrams with them.
 
Thank you all for the charitable responses! I know I must forgive her, which is why I asked for help on how to do so. I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset with my mother so it’s quite difficult for me to navigate these new feelings. I love her so very much and know that she would do absolutely anything for me and my sibling.

There are so many gems that struck me in your posts that I just can’t quote them all! I will carry them with me to help me through this, especially as I pray for the grace to forgive and to do my best as a new wife and mother. :gopray2:
 
Pianofish said:
Thank you all for the charitable responses! I know I must forgive her, which is why I asked for help on how to do so. I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset with my mother so it’s quite difficult for me to navigate these new feelings. I love her so very much and know that she would do absolutely anything for me and my sibling.

There are so many gems that struck me in your posts that I just can’t quote them all! I will carry them with me to help me through this, especially as I pray for the grace to forgive and to do my best as a new wife and mother. :gopray2:
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There is another mother who may not have experienced exactly the same things you have, but is very patient and always available to listen, and always glad to help. Her name is Mary, our Blessed Mother. I encourage you to reach out to her for help in everything - pregnancy, concerns about the past, present, and future, and spiritual needs. She will be on your side interceding for you and giving you the best example of motherhood you could ever need. 🙂
 
Pianofish said:
I need some help with forgiveness. Please excuse the length of this post. I’d like to make sure you can understand where I am coming from.

As I progress through the various states of life (marriage, now expecting first child) and prepare for my vocation as a wife and now mother, I find I am becoming more and more angry with my own mother for not providing me with a Catholic home while growing up. When my husband and I married, it was made clear to us that we were to be the sole persons responsible for the Catholic education and spiritual development of the children. When I spoke to our priest about baptism once the baby is born he again reiterated that WE (the parents) must take on the responsibility to raise the child Catholic.

(This is where a bit of a rant begins.) Somehow, my mom missed this memo. My dad wasn’t Catholic so I don’t harbor resentment toward him. She sent my sibling and I to “Catholic” school. Here are some things I missed even attending “Catholic” schools. I was never taught that being in a state of grace is a requirement for communion and this was never taught in the home even though my mom is aware of this. We barely went to Sunday Mass unless it was a guilt trip from my mom. We never prayed as a family. I remember saying my bedtime prayers only because somehow I figured I should, not because my mom ever prayed with me. I was given religious articles as gifts but I saw them as decorations and not as sacramentals. I only learned about the lives of the saints through family friends, otherwise I wouldn’t have known of the saints growing up. We said grace at meals only because my mom forced us to, but it was always me or my sibling leading it, never her. I only just recently learned several of the most important prayers (St. Michael, Hail Holy Queen, Creed) because I returned to my faith and found it necessary to say them. I had no idea what adoration was even though there was a chapel with perpetual adoration about 20 minutes from our house. Basically, the beauty of the traditions and culture of the faith wasn’t present or given any importance in our home. Recently my mom told me that at one point when I was in middle school she realized that the “Catholic” education she was paying for wasn’t providing me with the basic Catholic teachings for a sufficient spiritual development… and that was it. She knew I wasn’t getting what I needed as a Catholic child yet she did nothing to try to fix it! Now she is so upset and judges my sibling for falling away from the faith but it’s so obvious why this happened!

I could go on and on because I really have that much anger pent up inside me about this. I want to talk to her about it but don’t know what good that would do; I feel she would be so hurt thinking she was doing what was best by sending us to “Catholic” school. However, it’s getting in the way of my relationship with her because now that I’m preparing to be a mom I’m frantically trying to learn how to have a Catholic home since that was not at all what I grew up with. I feel very lost and I don’t think she has anything to offer as far as the most important responsibility I have with this new baby - raising him or her in the faith. She thinks every woman should turn to her mom for help when pregnant and I just don’t agree because of this resentment I have toward her.

So, here is where I need help.
  1. How do I forgive her and move on?
  2. What are the best things I can do to establish a Catholic home for this new soul God has willingly given me and my husband the responsibility of raising?
  3. If you have been through this, would you mind sharing how you overcame your resentment?
  4. Prayers are always welcome.
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Maybe she was just giving the best that she could…Please value your mother even if you now know more than her…
 
One way to get the anger out without actually talking to her about it is to write a letter. Next time you get frustrated and upset and want to tell her do it. Write a letter. Get it all out. Everything you’ve ever wanted to say.

Once you’re done throw it in the bin. The idea is to get it out, not to tell her. It sounds stupid but it’s a tactic that a lot of people have used. It helps. It won’t mean you’ll never get upset or think on it but your mind is tricked that it’s been said. I do stress not to send the letter. There would be no good to come of it. She can’t change what she did.

As some encouragement, once you learn to forgive something which is difficult you will learn to forgive other things much more easily. At least it did for me.
 
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