Forgiving emotional abuse

[PartoftheBody]

The conventional wisdom seems to be that couples should separate when there is abuse in the picture.

When do you think it’s appropriate for a couple to stay together (or get back together) after there has been psychological or emotional abuse? What would be signs that the abuser is making real change vs placating to keep the other around? Where does Christ’s teaching on forgiveness fit in with all this?

 

[nana3]

The conventional wisdom seems to be that couples should separate when there is abuse in the picture.

When do you think it’s appropriate for a couple to stay together (or get back together) after there has been psychological or emotional abuse? What would be signs that the abuser is making real change vs placating to keep the other around? Where does Christ’s teaching on forgiveness fit in with all this?

I don’t know what the Church says but any abuse is not right. I married my dh and didn’t know he was abused as a child and teen by both parents. He abused me verbally and emotionally. I prayed for him. I knew he loved me in the understanding of what love was to him. When it got bad I told him to get help or I would have to divorce him. He got help and medication. He got better. Many said I should divorce him but I knew God put us together for some reason. He changed and is so much better. I am glad I did not divorce him. Please remember if he doesn’t get help, your soul will die with all that abuse and you will go into depression. God wants you to be happy! PM me if you want. I will pray for you and your husband’s conversion. Hugs!,

 

[pacomius]

the church does not accept divorce. a marriage can only be nullified if there are well proven reasons to question the validity of the marriage like gross deception or non-consumation of the marriage. if however a spouse in a valid marriage becomes abusive, the canon law holds that they can be separated (live in different homes) but will still remain married because the bonds of marriage cannot be broken. before a person makes any type of life-long commitment he or she MUST pray, seek counsel and be very familiar with the possible difficulties that can arise in future. life-long means ones you cross the line, there is no turning back. so the word DIVORCE technically does not exist for Catholics.

on the issue of an abusive spouse, with the counsel of you parish priest and spiritual director you can seek for separation. it will be against CHARITY to yourself to unduely expose yourself to danger.

and forgiving a person does not in any way imply that you should remain in or allow situations that will put you in danger of being hurt again.

Christianity is not just a religion but it is also a way of life. you have to live a healthy life even as a Christian.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

The conventional wisdom seems to be that couples should separate when there is abuse in the picture.

When do you think it’s appropriate for a couple to stay together (or get back together) after there has been psychological or emotional abuse? What would be signs that the abuser is making real change vs placating to keep the other around? Where does Christ’s teaching on forgiveness fit in with all this?

Forgiveness and accepting that a person has changed are two entirely separate things, and I’m not sure there is really very much overlap. We should always forgive, but we shouldn’t pretend problems are fixed when they aren’t. We should wish for the best - keeping in mind that “best” means real change and a turning from evil and not “most pleasant” - for the abuser, but forgiveness does not mean pretending it didn’t happen and putting ourselves in a place where it can happen again. Forgiveness from a distance, as it were.

To answer your question - if the situation progressed to become abuse so that separation was required (counseling and the like was ineffective - either tried and didn’t work, or the situation was such that it would be unhealthy even to stick around long enough to try), in order to believe they might have changed, I would have to observe constant respectful and contrite behavior over a period of years (of separation), and even then I’m not sure I would think it was enough to get back together. Whether the change is real or faked wouldn’t really matter, reversion risk is high and the person could be sincerely trying to change and even have successfully held back for a while only to fall back into it. This isn’t good for either one of the couple, and should be avoided. In a real situation, of course, all of this should be discussed with a priest and/or counselor/psychologist.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

The two both need to mature into God’s creation.

Certainly, the person who verbally abuses needs to have a conversion to see how they are made in the image of God … And how others are made in the image of God. This means to learn to love as Jesus does. This will be trial and error upon their family until a healthy balance is achieved; life journey.

The person who is emotionally abused also needs to have a conversion to realize how they are made in the image of God. They need to be able to recover from past hurts to see their beauty and how they serve God and the family in an important mannor. Also, they need to be able to see the value in a dominating personality and instill trust to that personality type.

This is a challenging task when both are learning how to do this. Too often, the submission one will enable the other hindering the other.

 

[firead]

I think it can be hard to say when it’s appropriate in general terms because it will depend on the people involved, and it would take knowing the individual situation to tell if the person was really changing. One thing with emotional abusers is that they are often very good at charming people and seeming to be in the right.

For anyone in an abusive or controlling situation, I’d reccomend Lundy Bancroft’s blog and his book “Why Does He Do That?”. It is one several people recommended to me in the past and really does help understand emotional and psychologial abuse and how to get free from it.

As far as forgiveness, you can forgive a person without submitting to continued abuse. Sometimes, seperating will be necessary to avoid harm to yourself or any children that may be involved. My marriage involved severe emotional abuse and manipulation for years, to the point that it really messed with my own mental state and resulted in suicide attempts. If it had stayed that way, it would have been very wrong to let it continue and to raise my son in that environment, more wrong than to seperate for our own safety and health.