Forgiving the Unrepentant

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I am a 40-year-old wife and mother who grew up in a very unhappy family. My mother is a very difficult woman who is probably mentally ill, although she doesn’t think anything is wrong with her and has refused all help, so has never been diagnosed with anything. She walked out of two marriages, alienated my only sibling (who now barely speaks to her), refused to make friends, and now pretty much has only me. She is suffering from a degenerative, incurable illness that has handicapped her to the point that she can no longer live alone and needs help with most activities of daily living. She has lived with me and my family for the past year and a half and will continue to do so until it is time to go to a nursing home.

When I was a child, we were unhealthily close, almost incestuously so. It has been years since I have felt any sort of closeness, however, and since she moved in I have been so angry about her behavior that I have not been aware of any feelings of love toward her, although I’m sure the love is there, deeply buried. I have tried to care for her patiently, thoughtfully, and cheerfully without showing the deep hostility and disgust I feel – feelings that go back many years and have to do with a childhood full of emotional abuse and neglect that she has never acknowledged, as well as damaging behavior since I have been an adult. Hostility that I have never allowed myself to feel has bubbled up uncontrollably since she moved in and I have seen how she has not changed despite age and infirmity.

I think for the most part I have done a good job of keeping my feelings to myself, but they bother me, of course. Not only do they hurt me, they hurt my family as I find myself sometimes lashing out at them. I also feel so tainted and dirty inside that it is hard for me to approach Christ in Holy Communion. I keep on telling myself that feelings are just feelings and that they are not wrong, but mine are getting out of control and have turned into an obsession. Lately I am so overwhelmed with grief by some of the things my mother has done that at times it is hard even to function. I’m sure the fact that I am basically trapped in the house day in and day out with the person who hurt me and expresses only satisfaction with her actions has something to do with the intensity of these feelings.

In the past I have gotten over deep anger at other people by separating myself completely from them for a while. Obviously, in this case it is not possible. I have thought about confronting her with some of the damage she has done, but the reality is that I don’t really want to. She is old, sick, and frail, there is nothing she can do to repair the harm, and while I feel no affection for her I do feel pity. I can’t bring myself to say potentially devastating things to a sick old woman, and any apology that she might give probably wouldn’t even make me feel better at this point.

Can anyone offer advice on forgiving someone who has not repented, is not likely to repent, and who one must keep in one’s life and care for? I feel as though part of the answer is in detaching myself from her as my mother who hurt me and simply trying to look at her as a sick, pitiable person who needs my mercy, but I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing this and would like to hear from other people who might have been in a similar situation.

I could also use some advice for how to deal with her when she says hurtful things now – for instance, she is harshly critical of my husband and of my father (whom she left 20 years ago) and is sometimes mean to my young daughter. She does this in a very passive-aggressive way that is difficult to deal with directly. I’d like some advice for how to respond to these sneaky little verbal bombs that she likes to throw.
 
Personally, I can think of no reason why this person needs to be in your home. You should forgive her, but that doesn’t mean you need to act as if the acts never occured. You have a responsibility to your family as well. This doesn’t seem right to me. Can’t she go into a nursing home?
 
My dear, I feel for your suffering and will remember you in my prayers tonight. I’m not a therapist and don’t have the answer for all the abuse that you underwent in your childhood. I can empathize with what you say about your unhealthy relationship with a mother who may have used you as an intermediary in situations, perhaps causing you to feel the need to defend her and take sides in issues that were beyond your youthful comprehension. I can recognize by what you’ve said here that you are treating your mother with respect and upholding the commandment to “Honor thy Mother”. I hope the very fact that you were able to articulate your feelings here will bring you some measure of peace. If you haven’t spoken to a professional, please consider doing so. Ask you physician to recommend someone. I would say to ask your priest too. You need a compassionate person to listen to you, someone who understands the pressure you are under that goes beyond the mental and physical stresses of taking care of an elderly parent. I speak from personal experience and from the heart that I believe you would benefit greatly from unburdening yourself of your thoughts of uncleaness in a situation that was not of your making. The sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist are so healing, as is Eucharist Adoration to just sit before Our Lord and pour out you heart and soul to Him.
 
Love for your mother may not mean keeping her in your house to cause harm to your primary responsibilities, your husband, your child, and yourself.

From what you indicate, your mother is unlikely to change…may have a serious personality defect that prevents her from loving and causing her only to be a source of discord. She is unlikely to repent even if you share your feelings. Harsh criticism of your husband who has kindly allowed her to live is his home shows a nature that has no sense of others’ goodness, and her meanness to your child may only cause the same problems you are coping with now

Repressing such powerful feelings can lead to ill- health, and damage to your family relationships as you are already discovering. It probably is time now to have her in care. Sure she is likely to blame you for that and be critical when you visit her, but at least she won’t be able to harm your husband and daughter, nor promote damage to your family relationships.

You may need to step aside from your guilt regarding the emotions your mother arouses in you and decide what is best for your family. That isn’t ‘unforgiveness’, that is protecting your family.

The Bible teaches, Genesis 2:24, that marriage takes precedence over parental relationships:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

May God guide and bless you
 
Being me, I’d be finding a nursing home or assisted living for her. I doubt I would have lasted as long as you have. If she gets upset about it, just remind her that you now have your own family to take care of. I know when my Granny got bad, she kept saying that she didn’t want to go into a nursing home, and she didn’t want strangers in her house. But it got to the point where a decision had to be made. She needed round the clock care and no one in the family could give it to her. She didn’t like it when she was put in the nursing home, but she really didn’t give much choice to the family.
 
On a personal note, your mother’s repentance, either in recognition of harm done, or in change of attitude and behavior may never happen, even if you allowed her to know all your feelings. The responsibility to forgive is not dependent on the other person’s reaction:

*Father help us to recover where injury goes beyond ordinary forgiveness and our hearts are in some way crushed, and our lives changed and devalued. Help us to find a way to forgive when we cannot smile or encounter the offending person with warmth because they have destroyed something in us.

Father please help us to forgive when we cannot forgive…and we cannot forgive because they do not understand how badly they have hurt us, and do not seek in any real way to acknowledge or try to heal the hurt they imposed on us. And even when we tried to tell them from the bottom of our heart but they would not listen, please help us to forgive.

Father help us to forgive when those who hurt our lives do not even remember how badly they have wounded us, and go on with their lives without concern, while we remain still held in some kind of time capsule with the consequences of their unfeeling and uncaring and attack.

Father, help us to forgive when those who wounded us by ignoring our needs and requests, yet who desire us to ignore their offense, and expect us to respond to their hints or manipulations while they make no concessions or apologies. Help us to forgive those who impose their own conditions and rules upon us, without respecting that our hurt is real and radical, while they make us feel that they only desire our capitulation without justice, apology, or generosity from them.

Father please free us, free me, in forgiveness that comes from Your Son, innocent, and murdered, but forgiving. *

If you make the strong decision to put your mother in care now, you would need to be decisive without succumbing to threats, guilt, or emotional blackmail.
If you need to explain why, it mightn’t be helpful to do so without great emotion, but quietly, calmly, simply. it wouldn’t get either of you anywhere to become embroiled in emotional tearing apart. It isn’t lack of love for your mother, but it is love for your husband and child, and respect for your own mental and emotional health.

Those are my thoughts, anyway.

God bless you all, including your mother who lives in her own painful mind, may God touch her soul.
May the wisdom and love of God guide you.
 
For what it’s worth, here’s how I explained this to my children. When wrongdoers do something wrong, they set up a wall. Those who are hurt also set up a wall.

When the wrongdoers ask for forgiveness, they are taking down their wall; when those who were hirt forgive, they take down their walls.

Now, it may be that the wrongdoers never take down their walls, but those who were hurt can still take down theirs.

So it is that you could take down your wall and forgive your mother even tho she never takes down hers. You can forgive her, as you want your Heavenly Father to forgive you. When I have forgiven people, it has not always been a one-shot deal; I have had to forgive them over and over.

There are a couple of saints who took care of really cranky people; St Therese of Lisieux, iirc, is one, and another was an early desert father, I think. There was a great spiritual benefit to them; I hope someone will be able to tell you more about them so you can pray to them.
 
Christ said we are to forgive 70x7 times. Basically, that’s like forgiving the same sin many times. Sometimes it takes awhile to let go of it. Whenever the stuff comes to mind, make the choice to forgive. And if she is still keeping up with her “antisocial” behavior, go ahead and put her in a nursing home. No sense in getting yourself burnt out over this. Then you really will have a hard time forgiving her.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your replies so far.

A nursing home is actually not an issue. My mother has accepted for some time that she will need to go to one, and she actually seems to want to go at this point. The funny thing is that she always said she would rather die than go to a nursing home; now she keeps on mentioning “when I go to the nursing home”, and knowing her, it’s probably meant to stab me through with guilt that I am not taking good enough care of her – not able to be there constantly, not able to read her mind, that I am not perfect and sometimes forget things, that my house is drafty, etc.

She will go to a nursing home: That’s accepted by all of us. I don’t know exactly when she will be going, but that’s not the immediate and pressing issue for me. Even after she goes to the home, I will still be grappling with the damage she has done to my life, damage that has not gone away and by its nature likely never will, not completely.

St. Francis, you refer to forgiveness as the wronged party’s wall coming down. That is exactly what I do not want. I am not safe from this woman. Her goal has always been to have me as her personal possession; there is going to be a wall between us, there must be. I don’t know exactly what forgiveness is – I’ve read so many different definitions. What I want to do is give it up as a debt that she cannot pay and stop feeling the anger. I want to treat her with compassion, but I do not want ever again to feel warmth, closeness, or affection for her – maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know, but the thought of having those feelings for her again fills me with horror.

PattiDay, you seem to have understood what I couldn’t say. One of the things that causes me great pain is that my mother made me her confidante when I was still very young and told me things about my father and her marriage that you should never tell your child, especially your young and innocent child. He and I were not close – it’s clear to me now that he was jealous of me – and it was easy for me to side with her. When she divorced him, she asked me to be her witness in the proceedings, and I did it. My father actually never blamed me and we were eventually reconciled, but I have never forgiven myself in spite of confessing what I did to a priest years ago. How can I explain that my mother turned me into her adulterous boyfriend in every way except sex? And how can I ever let someone who was perfectly okay with doing that get close to me again, even if she does need me to cook her meals, bathe her, and mend her clothes?
 
Kensho said:
She will go to a nursing home: That’s accepted by all of us. I don’t know exactly when she will be going, but that’s not the immediate and pressing issue for me. Even after she goes to the home, I will still be grappling with the damage she has done to my life, damage that has not gone away and by its nature likely never will, not completely.

(…)

I am not safe from this woman. Her goal has always been to have me as her personal possession; there is going to be a wall between us, there must be. (…) What I want to do is give it up as a debt that she cannot pay and stop feeling the anger.
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That is good about the nursing home. It will be a great relief for you, although I also think you will still struggle with negative emotions and dealing with the damage she has caused after she moves there. My father is the same kind of person and I have struggled with the same things you mention. I don’t think we can ever fully heal from that kind of hurt, not in this life at least. This is something that gives me a lot of comfort, knowing that eventually all shall be well for me, that God will heal my wounds and make me whole. But for now, I have forgiven him to the extent that I can. I don’t obsess over this anymore. God will give me strenght to go deeper in this forgivness when/if the time comes. The same will happen to you, just keep praying and trust Him. What has also helped me is that I put my father into God’s hands. I prayed about it, told Him I couldn’t deal with my father anymore and that I was done with trying to fix things that are impossible to fix and that I couldn’t carry that burden anymore. It has really helped.
 
Kensho, you wrote: St. Francis, you refer to forgiveness as the wronged party’s wall coming down. That is exactly what I do not want. I am not safe from this woman. Her goal has always been to have me as her personal possession; there is going to be a wall between us, there must be. I don’t know exactly what forgiveness is – I’ve read so many different definitions. What I want to do is give it up as a debt that she cannot pay and stop feeling the anger. I want to treat her with compassion, but I do not want ever again to feel warmth, closeness, or affection for her – maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know, but the thought of having those feelings for her again fills me with horror.

I did not mean that type of wall; sometimes it is necessary to keep a wall of one kind or another between us and someone who has harmed us. This wall is just a wall of unforgiveness-- my point was there are two separate things going on, one is forgiveness which is unrelated to the other person’s asking for it. You need to forgive your mother for the harm she has caused you, but this is unrelated to her acknowledging the harm or asking forgiveness.

Toe, forgiveness is turning the situation over to God, letting go of the person who has hurt us. Christ said, Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. This doesn’t mean that those people got into Heaven, but that Christ Himself was forgiving them by turning them over to God, releasing them from Himself, leaving it up to His Father to take care of them.

The problem with not fogiving is exactly what you are experiencing in resentment and anger. Let God take that off your shoulders. Let your mother go and let God deal with her.
 
First off, putting your mother in a nursing home doesn’t solve the problem of forgiving. So, try to examine carefully your motivations to put her away from you.

Sins go on and on unpredictably, there is no sin without consequences to other people. Think about that for a moment.

You parents sinned when they decided to break up their family, and their sin had consequences over you. Many years later, this would define the kind of relationship you have with your mother.

Now may be time to look at your own sins, because they will go on too. By not forgiving you mother, you are pretty much sinning to. And that will affect your family in the due time. As you were victim of your mother’s hardness of heart, your children (or you husband) might become victims of yours. And who knows what kind of evil this will generate in the future.

Somehow, you have to stop it.

I would advise you not to make this too much about you and your mother, but more about preserving everyone else from this situation through your forgiveness. Try to live the holiest life you can, and everyone is going to benefit. Specially yourself!
 
Kensho;

I don’t know exactly what forgiveness is – I’ve read so many different definitions. What I want to do is give it up as a debt that she cannot pay and stop feeling the anger. I want to treat her with compassion, but I do not want ever again to feel warmth, closeness, or affection for her – maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know, but the thought of having those feelings for her again fills me with horror.
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Anger is like picking up a burning coal with the intention of throwing it at the person you are angry with, the person who gets burned the most is yourself. The problem with anger is we do not get to throw this burning coal straight away, and the longer we hold onto it, the hotter it becomes over the days and years.

The person you are angry with controls your heart and your mind, it seems that you are a wonderful caring person, your mother is a barrier to you having these kind and caring thoughts.

I have been supporting people with a learning disability for the last fifteen years, I cannot remember the number of times I have been hit, kicked had things thrown at me and sworn at.
In order to continue supporting and caring for them, I have to let go of all these things.

Just over two years ago I believe I was unfairly sacked from my last job at the tender age of 62. Nearly every week since being sacked I have voluntarily given up five hours of my time to support six of them going to a club. I have also given up a month voluntarily to take them on holiday and it costs me money.

I have found this to be very therapeutic and it helps me overcome any angry feelings that I could have towards the managers and the company. From my own experiences being able to forgive helps me, it is not necessary for the other person to feel remorse. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to see that prisoner is me.

When you forgive you are still left with that feeling of injustice that can never be put right on this Earth, maybe we leave it in God’s hands to put everything right. But we are asked to pray for our enemies and we might remember how Christ prayed for his enemies on the cross, Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.

Every blessing

Eric
 
Again, I need to stress that a nursing home is not an issue. Everyone, including herself, knows that she will have to go to one. We discussed this before she moved in, when I told her frankly that I would like for her to be able to live in a home with family as long as it was possible, but that due to the limitations of my own situation, there would come a time that I would be unable to care for her anymore. I am neither trying to get rid of her nor afraid of making her go.

I also find it unhelpful to focus on my sinfulness. I already feel so soiled with sin that I don’t know how to handle it and have not even been sure what to tell the priest in the confessional, although I try. It took me years to figure out that my mother was not only not perfect, but had been abusive, and that I may not have been as inadequate as she thought I was, so going back now to thinking of myself as “bad” and feeling sorry for my mother and trying to do more nice stuff for her is not going to help me move forward out of this emotional and spiritual mess. I’m not saying that to make excuses for my anger or to give myself permission to be mean or neglectful to her, which I would not do. Really, what I want is to get past feelings as much as possible and to NOT be focused on myself, or on her as my mother who did certain things and to whom I owe certain things, or not. I want to be able to see her simply as a person in need and to be detached both from the past and from the passive-aggressive daggers she likes to throw now.

Again, I need advice on how to defuse her behavior toward my husband and child. She IS going to go to a nursing home, but right now she’s here and I need to know how to deal with her NOW.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your thoughts so far.
 
Kensho;

Again, I need advice on how to defuse her behavior toward my husband and child. She IS going to go to a nursing home, but right now she’s here and I need to know how to deal with her NOW.
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She has spent a lifetime learning her behaviour, I am not sure that you could defuse it. My thoughts would be to ask your child and husband how they are coping with it. Your child will see how you endure this behaviour, and maybe it will inspire her to be caring in difficult times.

Lord grant me the peace and serenity to live with the things I cannot change.
Give me the courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

When we examine this prayer to search for solutions, we look for the things we cannot change; that is other people, their habits, what has happened in the past, the limitation of your situation. You will become more depressed wishing for these things to change, when they can’t.

Give me the courage to change the things I can, and there almost seems very little in our power to change, apart from what goes on inside our heart and head.

The profound last line for wisdom to know the difference is where you will find that peace.

Blessings,

Eric
 
Wow, are we siblings and didn’t know it? My first post here was about my mother becoming homeless, and your mother sounds just like mine. I mean right down to the inappropriate emotional reliance and constant criticism of your efforts to help. Freaky.

I’d like to agree that advice about beating yourself up further over your own sinfulness, which in a way would be treating yourself like your mother treats you, is cardinally unhelpful. We all need to examine our consciences, but that’s another issue for another time. I know exactly how you feel. You feel obligation, but you also resent the hell out if it because she doesn’t deserve it.

My mother cannot ever live in my home. She would destroy my family without scruple. I think people keep bringing up the nursing home because they think she needs to go NOW. You should protect your family and get her unhealthy influence out of your home right now. And I agree. Once she’s not there constantly causing problems, you can start on healing and figuring other things out. But no one can heal an arrow wound while the arrow is still in there.

I don’t know about forgiving her. I’ve said many times that it’s a good thing there’s God because He can forgive things we find it hard to. Eventually you may get to a point of resigned acceptance, and from there, progress to forgiving because you realize that she’s just so damaged she can’t help it. When? I don’t know yet. I’m not there either.
 
Kensho said:
Again, I need advice on how to defuse her behavior toward my husband and child. She IS going to go to a nursing home, but right now she’s here and I need to know how to deal with her NOW.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your thoughts so far.
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Could you perhaps sit her down, explain to her that certain things she says are not acceptable in your home, then you tell her exactly what she is not allowed to say and do and explain that if she doesn’t stop you will be forced to move her to the nursing home asap.

If you are not used to this kind of thing it will be hard and she will be shocked. But this is how you set boundaries. It is important to follow through. In case you have tried to do that in the past with no results, maybe you could try it this one last time and then send her to the nursing home. it sounds like the atmosphere in your home is quite unhealthy and that you all suffer because of this setup. Your priority is your child and your husband. I would speed up the moving out date if I were you.
 
Can anyone offer advice on forgiving someone who has not repented, is not likely to repent, and who one must keep in one’s life and care for?
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You can do this through Jesus. Focus on unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn’t require for the person to be perfect but you love her/him as she is anyway.

It is a great choice for you to want to do this, it is hard on our ego and bruise it enormously but such a liberation and wonderful feeling of peace.

You will manage to detach from your expectation. Yes we expect our parent to love us unconditionally and support us but sometime, it isn’t the case and we have to be the parent instead. Your true Mother is Mother Mary, she loves you, support you and is there for you always.

Blessings and love!
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Could you perhaps sit her down, explain to her that certain things she says are not acceptable in your home, then you tell her exactly what she is not allowed to say and do and explain that if she doesn’t stop you will be forced to move her to the nursing home asap.

If you are not used to this kind of thing it will be hard and she will be shocked. But this is how you set boundaries. It is important to follow through. In case you have tried to do that in the past with no results, maybe you could try it this one last time and then send her to the nursing home. it sounds like the atmosphere in your home is quite unhealthy and that you all suffer because of this setup. Your priority is your child and your husband. I would speed up the moving out date if I were you.
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I’m working on it, with my sister’s help. There has been a particular Catholic nursing home she wanted to go to, but I spoke to a social worker there and found out that her behavior toward the employees there had been so aggressive and rude that her application was moved to the bottom of the stack! That may sound like bad news, but it actually made me feel so much better. It was confirmation that it’s NOT just me – everyone who has to deal with her on more than a casual level finds her difficult! I occasionally have friends over who don’t know the whole situation and exude over how sweet, wise, and holy my mother is – oh, what a relief to hear a social worker tell me that her bad behavior was memorable and that she probably has a personality disorder. My sister is trying to find a different nursing home.

Sometimes there are situations we get stuck in that won’t change right away. This is one. I need to learn to deal with it.

Right now dealing with my mother’s nastiness has consisted in me snapping back at her, which I never used to do. It gives me a certain grim pleasure, but it isn’t the best way to deal with someone and is probably venially sinful. As I write this, I realize that she isn’t as obviously, aggressively negative toward my husband as she used to be, and I think that’s because I have tried to make it clear that my first loyalty is toward him, not her, and that I will not tolerate the sort of things she used to say. It’s the sneaky, indirect remarks I’m having a problem with.

I’ve noticed that if I’m irritable toward my husband and child in front of her, she follows my example. Maybe the key is that I need to make sure my behavior toward them is exemplary rather than trying to deal directly with her.

Thinking “out loud” now – thanks, everybody!

Thank you, SlackerCatholic, for the fellow feeling.
 
Kensho said:
Really, what I want is to get past feelings as much as possible and to NOT be focused on myself, or on her as my mother who did certain things and to whom I owe certain things, or not. I want to be able to see her simply as a person in need and to be detached both from the past and from the passive-aggressive daggers she likes to throw now.

Again, I need advice on how to defuse her behavior toward my husband and child. She IS going to go to a nursing home, but right now she’s here and I need to know how to deal with her NOW.
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I’m beginning to believe there’s no way out but through, meaning we need to focus on our childhood feelings of being unloved and feel the grief and sadness that comes with that, before we can even try to forgive our parents.

Forgiveness (as a requirement from God) for me means nothing more - or less - than not desiring eternal damnation for the person who hurt us and not wishing or trying to get revenge of any sort. If I can accept that God might soften their hearts and make them repent one day and even pray for that, I have forgiven. I’m not there yet. But I pray mechanically for my parents and don’t demand more than that from myself right now.
SlackerCatholic said:
I’d like to agree that advice about beating yourself up further over your own sinfulness, which in a way would be treating yourself like your mother treats you, is cardinally unhelpful. We all need to examine our consciences, but that’s another issue for another time. I know exactly how you feel. You feel obligation, but you also resent the hell out if it because she doesn’t deserve it.

My mother cannot ever live in my home. She would destroy my family without scruple. I think people keep bringing up the nursing home because they think she needs to go NOW. You should protect your family and get her unhealthy influence out of your home right now. And I agree. Once she’s not there constantly causing problems, you can start on healing and figuring other things out. But no one can heal an arrow wound while the arrow is still in there.

I don’t know about forgiving her. I’ve said many times that it’s a good thing there’s God because He can forgive things we find it hard to. Eventually you may get to a point of resigned acceptance, and from there, progress to forgiving because you realize that she’s just so damaged she can’t help it. When? I don’t know yet. I’m not there either.
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Great points.

My narcissistic father seemed to take it for granted he would be living with us at some point and I made it clear it was not an option. Even after a short and civilized phone conversation with him, I start to snap at my husband and children. They don’t deserve that.

He can also be snarky and emotionally abusive when not tightly controlled all the time. What has worked with him is being very clear on what is unacceptable behavior, and my husband has been strong and supportive here. Does she respect or fear your husband, while she may still think she’s entitled to walk all over you? Perhaps enlist his help and support.

Instead of snapping back at her, which lets her see she can hurt you, try detaching emotionally and in a calm, serious, authoritative tone of voice tell her that kind of behavior is unacceptable. It can work.

Wishing you all the best and praying for your situation.

God really loves you even if your mother never did. You are precious and lovable and didn’t deserve to be treated this way as a helpless, loving, trusting child by the very person who should have cared for you the most.
 
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