Forgiving the Unrepentant

[mommamaree]

All right – I need to revive this thread. Sigh.

Yesterday evening I was sitting in the living room with my mother working on a project. I have some visual processing problems and doing certain kinds of work that involve spatial relations or being able to picture abstract things is very, very, very difficult for me – so I was having problems with my project and was getting frustrated. My mother started talking about my visual problem, and I can’t remember what she said but by then I was on the verge of tears and blurted out bitterly that I had been yelled at and punished and told I wasn’t trying all my life for all the things I couldn’t do because of the way I see. She said, “I don’t think I ever did that,” and I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t say anything, but it wasn’t true. She was constantly on me, taking away everything I enjoyed and was good at to punish me for my struggles, and she has never acknowledged it even now that she acknowledges that I probably have an undiagnosed learning disability or neurological disorder. She blames everyone else for how I was treated but has never mentioned her contribution to it. And I let her get away with it. I have never confronted her with anything, and missing the opportunity to say something about it last night made me feel even worse about myself. I didn’t have to be mean. I could have just said matter-of-factly that she was hard on me and did and said things that made my life harder. Why can’t I say it?

You can’t say it because you have been abused all your life by a master manipulator ad pathological liar, who ironically, was the person with whom you share the most primal of relationships in your life. My mother and your mother sound like two peas in a pod. It is so hard to stand up to them and acknowledge the truth, to point out the lies and abuse and mind games, without us feeling like horrible daughters. People with personality disorders like our mothers are sick and very dangerous to their targets (their daughters). My husband and I have spoken about your story that you have shared here. Last year, we decided, at his urging, that my mother is no longer welcome in our home. After reading your story, we agreed that my mother can never be allowed to live with or near us, even in old age while facing end of life issues.
You are not the problem here. Your mother is. She is using a common mental abuse tactic called gas-lighting. Please learn about gas-lighting in order to construct healthy defenses against this insanity-inducing technique of abusers.

 

[holyrood]

St. Francis, you refer to forgiveness as the wronged party’s wall coming down. That is exactly what I do not want. I am not safe from this woman.

Kensho, I can relate to some of what you’re saying. My walls are up nice and strong between me and my family of origin and they will stay that way. About 7 years ago, I came to understand that in all my attempts to be the peacemaker God calls us to be, I was not making peace, I was only being a doormat. Because I had no peace. I was in turmoil and pain from the things they were doing and saying to me. I’m glad I didn’t get down in the mud and fight with them and try to win (it wouldn’t have worked), but I did not have peace. I was miserable and stressed.

I put my obligation to my children first. I believe in Dennis Prager’s ‘obligation to be happy,’ and I separated myself from my family largely to find peace for myself and to be able to be a better mother to my children. I feel better able to genuinely love and accept them as they are, since walking away from my family. (Sad, but true.)

I think I’ve found my forgiveness in focusing on my own life, in living my own life in a way that gives me peace, with honor and integrity, and in simply feeling a little pity and/or compassion for my parents who chose this path of misery. They’ll be locked in their misery until they die, partly because of their own childhoods, and largely because this is how they’ve chosen to respond. I wish them well, I pray for them. And I keep myself at a safe distance.

Love? I don’t know. I feel absolutely none for my parents. I no longer believe we automatically feel love for people just because there’s a blood connection.

PattiDay, you seem to have understood what I couldn’t say. One of the things that causes me great pain is that my mother made me her confidante when I was still very young and told me things about my father and her marriage that you should never tell your child, especially your young and innocent child.

My mother told me way more than a child should know, too. You need to forgive yourself for your actions then. You were being manipulated. How old were you?

 

[Kensho]

My mother told me way more than a child should know, too. You need to forgive yourself for your actions then. You were being manipulated. How old were you?

I can’t remember how old I was when the confiding began. The earliest I remember is 15. I was a very young and innocent 15. My parents divorced when I was a young woman in college. Old enough to be culpable for taking my mother’s side.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I have never confronted her with anything, and missing the opportunity to say something about it last night made me feel even worse about myself. I didn’t have to be mean. I could have just said matter-of-factly that she was hard on me and did and said things that made my life harder. Why can’t I say it?

I wonder if you saying something would make any difference. From what you have shared here it sounds she would deny it until the day she dies. Insisting on getting the facts straight and the truth told could get you feeling even more frustrated and unhappy. People often suggest writing a letter or an email in order to express yourself freely, without interruptions that can easily happen in a conversation. Maybe this is something to consider, just so you get it off your chest. But if i were you I’d focus on detaching from the situation. Some things (and people) we really can’t change and I believe it is best to just let go. It takes time and it is not easy, but it can be done.

 

[Kensho]

I wonder if you saying something would make any difference. From what you have shared here it sounds she would deny it until the day she dies. Insisting on getting the facts straight and the truth told could get you feeling even more frustrated and unhappy. People often suggest writing a letter or an email in order to express yourself freely, without interruptions that can easily happen in a conversation. Maybe this is something to consider, just so you get it off your chest. But if i were you I’d focus on detaching from the situation. Some things (and people) we really can’t change and I believe it is best to just let go. It takes time and it is not easy, but it can be done.

My feeling bad about not confronting her has nothing to do with whether or not she will ever acknowledge what I have to say, but only about gaining the ability to stand up for myself and quit trying to protect her. It’s all about being able to respect myself. I doubt she will ever take responsibility for her actions and I’m not interested in the kind of apology she’d be likely to give, anyway.

The one good thing that has come out of her being in my house is that in observing her behaviors from an adult perspective, I have seen what kind of wife and mother she was and where some of my own faults come from. Behavior I had taken for granted I can now see is wrong. I’ve had to change.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

… I have seen what kind of wife and mother she was and where some of my own faults come from. Behavior I had taken for granted I can now see is wrong. I’ve had to change.

I think this is the best lesson we can learn under the circumstances. I’m trying to do the same.

I understand what you mean about self respect. It is hard to say these things if you are not used to it. Maybe practicing what you would say to her would make it easier at one point, like reciting a poem you know by heart. I have found that helpful in similar situations.