Forgoten family

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BOATLADY

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Growing up in a very large family had its ups and downs. The downs were because the older girls were treated like 2nd class children, and endured a lot of verbal abuse. We were told by our Mother that ''Girls were brought into this world to serve their Mother “” While the boys were treated like 1st class kids.

I have done my best to turn the other cheek,

I have went out of my way to try and devlope relationships with siblings,

I have tried to repair the relationship with my Mother

It seems I’m the only one who is trying and It is not working out well at all
They act as if I’m a bother and try to avoid Me,

I am well liked by Everyone Else. I am a very caring and kind person, I am a good provider for my family, since my husband is ill and unable to work, I have raised my children well. I don’t know WHY am I being treated this way all my life?

I have tried to keep relationships open with all my family, but it has been diffacult. I am left out of most all family activies with them. When my childer Graduated and later Married, they were all invited to the Graduations and Wedding but no response not even a card.

HOW CAN I GET PAST THIS ??? IT HURTS ME DEEPLY,
 
I am so very sorry for your pain and also for your children and husband who must feel that with you too. All I can say is thank God for your faith that you have as your example of how to handle rejection our dear Lord Jesus himself. Was He not rejected by his own town when He tried to preach in His local synagog? Ultimately was he not spat on , beaten within and inch of his life, crowned with thorns, nailed naked and humiliated to the cross and rejected by the very people whom He had performed countless miracles in front of for 3 years? Thank god that you have been granted the Grace of suffering with our Lord , offer your pain to him for the salvation of your loved one’s souls but most of all FORGIVE them. In the Lord’s prayer - the only one he taught us we say " forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us" emphasis is mine. Forgive them in your heart for the pain they inflict on you as they reject you and your family, forgive them for the sake of your own soul and hand them over to the Lord.
 
Dear Forgoten Family,
You may be forgotten by family members, but you are not forgotten by your heavenly
Father. He has many promises for you… Start a notebook, write out your requests, date them. Talk over your needs with Him. I just googled “rejection” how to handle from A Christian view point. Lots of good Christion suggestions. Give it a try and remember to pray
For those family members too. They need help too to change their unkind ways. God says to bring Him your concerns. I will remember you and your family in prayer too. God Bless, Gunelia 67
 
BOATLADY said:
Growing up in a very large family had its ups and downs. The downs were because the older girls were treated like 2nd class children, and endured a lot of verbal abuse. We were told by our Mother that ''Girls were brought into this world to serve their Mother “” While the boys were treated like 1st class kids.

I have done my best to turn the other cheek,

I have went out of my way to try and devlope relationships with siblings,

I have tried to repair the relationship with my Mother

It seems I’m the only one who is trying and It is not working out well at all
They act as if I’m a bother and try to avoid Me,

I am well liked by Everyone Else. I am a very caring and kind person, I am a good provider for my family, since my husband is ill and unable to work, I have raised my children well. I don’t know WHY am I being treated this way all my life?

I have tried to keep relationships open with all my family, but it has been diffacult. I am left out of most all family activies with them. When my childer Graduated and later Married, they were all invited to the Graduations and Wedding but no response not even a card.

HOW CAN I GET PAST THIS ??? IT HURTS ME DEEPLY,
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They are broken, as such they are unable to give you the love & support you deserve. Stop trying to get it from them. Instead realized they are broken. Cultivate good friendships, and Church family to share your life with. DNA is not as important as sharing a love for God. We are all God’s children which makes us all brothers & sisters. 😉
 
It is very common that siblings don’t talk or even like each other. People grow up, get married, have families and friends and chose who is in their life. Some families are closer than others and you may find that your own kids grow up and don’t talk to each other. That’s just how it is for many people. One lady I know has lost both parents and is currently going through the courts because her brother is not happy with how the estate was divided between the 2 of them, and there isn’t much of an estate. He’s well off with a good job and his wife is working as well, and she is not, having health issues, and is alone. To challenge his own parents’ will and to take from his sister who already has very little seems cruel and uncompassionate. Our siblings are not ‘pillars of virtue’ often, and really, neither are we.

Things will be different in heaven. Thank God.
 
BoatLady, it’s obvious yours was a very disfunctional family, so it’s acting like one, which is not surprising. So, expecting from them what they cannot give only sets you up for disappointment. Have no expectations from them. Make no demands upon them. Live your own life and be happy with that. We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. If you know they won’t respond, then don’t invite them. From what you’ve written it seems they’d hardly notice. I have a side of my family that I rarely see that’s like that too. I’ve given up expecting anything from them, and so am surprised if they contact me. I think of them from time to time and include them in my prayers, but since they want to live their lives apart from mine, that’s what I let them do. So, let them go and live in peace knowing you did what you could. No one can ask more of you than that. 🙂
 
As a member of a goofy family myself, let me tell you I feel your pain. I am not sure you will ever get past it. It will probably always hurt. I know I have been told to take my pain to the crucifix, to offer it for souls in purgatory and to move forward in my life and try to love God more than my family. I am trying and I am getting much better but I still get lonely, sad and tired.

When it happens, I cry…I write… I pick myself up and move forward to the end of the day.

AND BTW - like you, people who are not related to me think I am the greatest thing since pockets.

go figure.😊
 
Thank You All, for your wonderful words of wisdom, I do feel better reading your reponse . I will pray and try harder to not let this bother me. I know I can’t change them and I do not want to try.

I just can’t understand how they can do these things to me and not expect Me to feel hurt,
 
BOATLADY said:
Thank You All, for your wonderful words of wisdom, I do feel better reading your reponse . I will pray and try harder to not let this bother me. I know I can’t change them and I do not want to try.

I just can’t understand how they can do these things to me and not expect Me to feel hurt,
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I doubt that they set out to hurt you, although it is entirely possible that they know they are hurting you and have some rationalization for why it is OK. I am more inclined to suspect that unfortunately they have never developed the habit of considering your feelings at all. (When I’ve been in even slightly similar situations, I’m not sure which truth would be worse.)

I would look at it this way: that they have a tragic sort of blindness, and that you are fortunate to have the sight to be able to pray, as the Lord did when his enemies were crucifying Him: “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” That’s where you are. What they are doing is very wrong, and they ought to know it, but if they really understood…well, would any of us sin, if we understood as we ought to?

Keep in mind, Our Lord was praying from the Cross for people who were in the middle of committing the most unspeakable crime ever committed, doing what they knew to be an objective wrong because they thought their concept of good made them an exception to the moral law. They hated Him precisely because He was good. It could be that praying the Stations of the Cross can help you through this.
 
BOATLADY said:
Thank You All, for your wonderful words of wisdom, I do feel better reading your reponse. I will pray and try harder to not let this bother me. I know I can’t change them and I do not want to try.

I just can’t understand how they can do these things to me and not expect Me to feel hurt,
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God bless you.

I doubt that understanding their reasons will give you much comfort, natural as it is to seek them. Be assured that your conscience is clear, you raised your children well, and God will reward you for it (if he hasn’t already). Remember to love yourself first before everyone but God.
 
I have delt with this repeatedly all my life, It has been very much worse tor the last 36 yrs.
I think it is worse for me because they can do to me what ever they want and I will take it with a smile, but if you do it to my family it is another story.
I have 9 brothers, who all seem to be the problem.

One brother is a very prominate person. He has no children, but he puts a lot of effort into all the other nices and nephews. He takes them to visit colleges, He takes them on expensive hunting trips at lavish resorts, I belive he has a good heart.

He has never made any effort towards my children. Maybe it is my fault because I tend to withdrawl because of how I have been treated by others. I use to call him, then I sent everyone High School Graduation invite for my oldest Daughter.
He never even sent a card.
She looked up to Him, She was the top student in her class and planed to follow in His steps.
He told her everything He had done for the others. BUT NEVER EVEN SENT HER A CARD.
I withdrew and I just never called him anymore. Not that I was angry, but I was hurt, and did not want to bother him as it seemed He was not to interesed in Us. I never sent any other invites for graduation for my other children buecause It was just a wast of My time and I did not want to feel the hurt.
SHE NOW HAS HER MASTERS AND IS DOING GREAT.
Code: 
She recently got married I did send invites to all in My family,
My 2 Sisters came AND I TOLD THEM HOW MUCH THAT MENT TO ME !!!
My brothers on the other hand not even 1 card. No calls, nothing. I did put out calls to some of them but they never returned any calls to me.

I recently talked to MY Sister, who was with My Brother on a exclusive hunting trip all paid for by my brother I spoke of earlier,

I asked her if I could talk to him, ************* I spoke with Him and I let it FLY,*************

I Told him I was hurt that he could not even acknowledge my Daughters exsistance.

I told him, that She has done better than any other family member and that he should be proud of her, and that his ignoring Her high school graduation. college graduation and master graduation and now her wedding was very embarassing to me, but that he is not alone because none of the others brothers did anything for her eighter.

I told him that ‘’’’’’’’’’’’’ It hurt me because I always felt close to Him growing up, I felt that we were close but I guess I was wrong. ‘’ " I’m not a bad person, I help people every day, that is what I do’’’’’’, I’m not a bad person, I’v raised my childern, on My only income, and have worked hard, and care for a sick spouse’’ I put 2 kids in college and my SON served 6 yrs in the US NAVY ‘’’’’’’’’’’’’. WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE , I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE ARE TREATED THIS WAY!!! I AM WELL LIKED BY MY FRIENDS, CO WORKER, AND MY PATIENTS LOVE ME. WHY DOESEN’T MY FAMILY?? I TOLD HIM I GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT THOSE THE FAMILY LAST NAME’’’’’’’’’’ [meaning my brothers]

Now I feel bad, I wish I had not said it but I did. I do not want to hurt his feelings but It is hard on me to hold all this in. I know you shold forgive and forget. but even with GOD you . need to ask for forginess , if someone would even say I’m sorry . I would forgive them easy. In my heart I do love them, I was the main care giver for many of them , as children I was more of a Mom to them, If my mother was holding the baby and I walked in the room the child would cry untill I took the child. If I didn’t love them then this would not be hard at all. They continue to do the same things over and over. How can I forgive somone when they are not sorry, and they keep doing the same thing???

I GUESS I HAVE SHARED MY FEELING WITH SOME OF THEM, NOW THEY WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME, THEY THINK I’M NUTS FOR BEING HURT.AND THEY DO NOT LIKE TO BE POINTED OUT ANY ‘‘MISTAKES’’ BUT NOW I CAN FADE OUT OF THE FAMILY BUT AT LEAST THEY WILL KNOW WHY. other wise I don’t think they would even notice I’m gone

sorry for being so long winded but It helps me to let it out
 
I found that my pain went away when I took God for my Father, and Mary for my Mother, and my friends at Church for brothers and sisters.

I still love my biological family, but I don’t have nearly the same expectations of them that I used to, because my emotional needs are being fulfilled by a Perfect Mother and Father, and by dozens of wonderful friends.

I highly recommend it. 🙂
 
This borders on the bizarre. My only guess is that someone, most probably your mother, poisoned their image of you by gossip behind your back. Maybe she told them that you did nothing for them that you were not forced to do and abandoned your place in the family as soon as you could. Someone fed them expectations about their relationships with the other nieces and nephews, someone fed the feeling that you were “out of sight and out of mind”, or whatever and most definitely no one noticed that you were being left out and pressed the issue: “What about our sister, the one who took care of us? Is what we have heard about her true?”

The good thing about having said something is that no one wonders how you feel about how you’ve been treated within the family. Being forgiving does not mean expecting people to read your mind and to know automatically that the myths they were fed about you aren’t true. You know your brothers and sister are aware of how you see the situation. Unless they decide to let you know that things look differently from their side, or were painted differently to them by a third party, there is not much more you can do.

Your brother may have felt ambushed, if this is the first time you ever complained to him. In general, it is better not to drag out the wrongs of decades, but to bring things up as they come up. It is also better to assume that there are extenuating circumstances you had no way to know. That is water under the bridge, though, and I know no one who has not gone against those two considerations at one time or another! You’ve done the best you could in the best way you knew to do it. They know how you feel. Detach from the situation, and see if anything happens.
 
My older sister does the same thing, She finds comfort in it as well. 🙂
 
Yes I often wondered what was said, MY MOTHER AND FATHER both would speek badly of my Grandmother and my Uncle and Aunt, We were taught to dispise them, when I was young, In my adult life I did develope a close relationship with my Grandmother and I Loved her, I’m glad I learned to know her and I found great comfort in our relationship, I know my Mom and Dad did not like it. My Uncle had passes, and my Aunt I have never meet and would not know where to start.
I’m not sure why my parents felt the way they did, They would say things like. “” If they ever stop here don’t feed them or they will never leave’’ ect…
My Father was usualy a very gentel man, A great Dad, My mom did have problems’ My Dad adored me, And my Mother disliked me and she told me daily ‘‘YOU LITTLE BLACK HAIRED ***** I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN’’. If you were scolded my Mom would say of you are just like you Aunt Annie, and you knew that put you on the bad list.
Just Normal to a kid if that is how you were raised.
 
Boatlady

Some years ago, for reasons I won’t mention, I had a rough morning. And it was clearly all over my face, because a stranger approached me and started praying with me. I’ll never forget that prayer’s power.

Understandably, you want to vent your anger and pain. There’s no shame in this. We all need that release, and sometimes, we need to reach out to those beyond our intimate circles.

While CAF is an excellent place to air problems, seek advice and prayers, it can only offer much for your situation.

I don’t mean to sound unkind, or to discourage your participation. But every so often someone starts a thread around a private issue to seek online counselling, which is beyond the forum’s scope. For that reason, I encourage you to speak to confide in your priest, if you haven’t already done so, and perhaps a professional therapist. You will continue to be in my prayers. God bless you.
 
BOATLADY said:
Yes I often wondered what was said, MY MOTHER AND FATHER both would speek badly of my Grandmother and my Uncle and Aunt, We were taught to dispise them, when I was young, In my adult life I did develope a close relationship with my Grandmother and I Loved her, I’m glad I learned to know her and I found great comfort in our relationship, I know my Mom and Dad did not like it.

Just Normal to a kid if that is how you were raised.
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When you see how your mother and father taught the kids how to hate the other family members, don’t be surprised that siblings are just the same. When Christ is not present in the family and in our hearts, there is great poverty of love there. When Christ comes into a heart, we see lives transformed, and we see people like Mother Teresa who loved the unlovable. Without Christ, hearts are a wasteland.

I agree, please see a counselor, for your own peace, and to help the relationships around you. Such broken-heartedness affects how you deal with the people in your life, and without this hanging on your heart, you will be able to love them more fully, more joyfully. You don’t need to carry this around with you another day! Christ brings healing and freedom. Raise your eyes and look to Him today and tell Him you are ready to let go. He’ll help you. See a counselor too, and get the rest of it off your chest. You’ll be a new person! Time for a new, fresh heart, to love your family and friends. (May all of us have a new, fresh heart today, too! To love better, forgive quicker, and bless others.)
 
Thank You for your wisdom and kind words of encuragement, some times when you have been in a abnormal situation since childhood and you don’t know anything else but that, it is hard to know what normal is. It feels wrong, but you think perhaps it is just me.
It has helped me to express my feeling and look to religion for help. Thank You All ! I think I can handel it from here
 
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