Former Catholic wishing to return to the church but married to a divorced Protestant

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I was baptized, received First Communion, was confirmed, and went to a Roman Catholic elementary school for eight years. Due to a combination of factors, including childhood teachers who were nuns with very apparent mental health issues, relatively serious issues with both parents, both of which were depressed and quite dysfunctional (and one of which may have been a victim of pedophilia by clergy), etc., I rebelled against the RC church for decades, during which time I explored various Protestant denominations, among other belief systems. I was accepted into the Anglican communion, was baptized as an adult in the Baptist church, and was a member at different times of various denominations including Episcopal, Baptist, Lutheran, Assemblies of God. In my more recent years I was married for the first time in an Episcopalian service to a divorced man who had been Presbyterian for about 35 years but was baptized as a Congregationalist and practiced as a Baptist for several years. His marriage, which was miserable from the start and which he felt very pressured into entering by her, was an unfortunate match due to her serious personality disorder (attested to by medical and mental health professionals) and included suicidal threats and visits to the psych ward. This marriage finally ended after a few decades in spite of several years of pastoral counseling and a few separations. I now want to return to the Church for many reasons, chiefly because, in simple terms, I have come to realize the major error of leaving in the first place. My husband has been attracted to Eastern Orthodoxy for a few years now but fortunately for me (I have no interest in it and dislike and disapprove of several of its aspects) there are no local churches. He is hesitant to seriously consider Roman Catholicism, I think largely because he may or may not qualify for an annulment and physically receiving Communion is extremely important to him. I on the other hand am able to accept that if the RC church does not grant him an annulment I may never be able to receive Communion–I understand and accept there are consequences to one’s choices.
Should I go ahead with a renewed involvement in the RC church, or should I quit while I am ahead and just continue in the Protestant church we are presently members of? What is the likelihood he would receive an annulment?
I will very much appreciate any and all (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for reading.
 
Of course you should return to the church-- remember Jesus left the 99 to go after the 1.

You and your husband should make an appointment with your local pastor and take it one step at a time.
 
Approach an annulment from the standpoint of learning and illuminating the past. The truth shall set you free. If you are granted the annulment, then the rest of the benefits will be beautiful.
 
Please make an appointment with a priest and allow him to guide you through the next steps. God bless your journey.
 
If your husband would be willing to go through an annulment I think you should pursue that. The ex-wife may not have been able to consent to a true marriage because of her well documented mental health issues. Their marriage could very well have been invalid.

Because you were a catholic when you married and you married outside of the Church you would need a convalidation or radical sanation if his previous marriage is found invalid. A convalidation means exchanging marital consent in front of a priest. It can be anything from a “real” wedding to a 15 minute ceremony with just you two and a couple of witnesses. A radical sanation is used when one party will not convalidate for whatever reason and makes the marriage valid from the original ceremony on. It’s a paperwork process and does not require your husband to do anything.

Now, I will say a few things about annulment being in the process of one myself. It’s invasive. It’s time consuming between doing all of the paperwork and then waiting for a decision. It’s not easy. But it’s worth it!

He’ll be asked to provide documentation such as his Baptism certificate and his ex’s Sacramental records, if they exist. He’ll need copies of his divorce papers, marriage licenses for both marriages, and at least a few witnesses to the time prior to the marriage or who knew him and his wife during the first years of their marriage. He’ll also need to get copies of reports from whatever mental health professionals were involved in his ex-wifes treatment to prove her mental state and capacity. There may also be more evidence the Tribunal would ask to see.

The questionnaire is long and detailed and will ask for intimate details of his childhood, adolescence, adulthood, the courtship, the wedding, and the time they lived as husband and wife. These detailed questions will also include some about their shared sex life. As I said, it’s invasive. But this information helps the Tribunal determine if a proper marital bond was ever established and total honesty is crucial!

If you’re serious about returning to the Church, and I truly hope you are, then I would advise you to talk to your husband about the annulment process and if he is willing to do it make an appointment with a priest to get the ball rolling.

I am a divorced former Protestant/Pagan/Atheist/Agnostic who married a cradle catholic who’d fallen away. When my husband decided to return to the Church I began the process of annulment for his sake and then went to my first Mass and decided to convert. The hassle and annoyance of an annulment has also been healing and it’s opened my eyes to how my first “marriage” still affects me to this day, 20 years later, in ways I never realized. Not only is the annulment process moving me a step closer to being fully received by the Church, the knowledge I gained while filling out the paperwork has lead to my marriage improving in ways I didn’t know it needed to improve!
 
Thank you so much for all your replies, particularly the one which fully describes the annulment process. It is all a bit daunting, particularly when my husband continues to be drawn towards orthodoxy (Eastern practices), would likely feel overwhemed by this entire process, and realizes that in the end even if he went through the process he might not receive the annulment. This calls for prayer, which I plan to do much of. Please pray for us as well! Thanks so much again.
 
ML52 said:
Thank you so much for all your replies, particularly the one which fully describes the annulment process. It is all a bit daunting, particularly when my husband continues to be drawn towards orthodoxy (Eastern practices), would likely feel overwhemed by this entire process, and realizes that in the end even if he went through the process he might not receive the annulment. This calls for prayer, which I plan to do much of. Please pray for us as well! Thanks so much again.
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It may be possible for you to work with an Eastern Rite Catholic tribunal on the annulment process. If your husband is drawn towards Eastern spirituality, perhaps working with an Eastern Rite Catholic priest would make him more comfortable.

Check to see if there are any Eastern Rite Churches in your area.
 
Closest branch meets once a month. We visited once and I was appalled by the number of icons, the ethnocentricity, the lack of any sermon, the kissing of the priest’s ring at the end and the extensive ritualism. The space was also very small and I felt like I was in a catacomb–some may like that but I did not, at all. Found out recently my husband had not particularly liked the service either, which is interesting. There are larger branches almost an hour away which may be very different but I know, realistically, that we will not want to be traveling that far to and fro on Sundays, our one day of rest. I also have problems with some of their beliefs. Thank you for the suggestion though!
 
1ke: curious…would an eastern annulment be considered valid by the RC church?
 
ML52 said:
Thank you so much for all your replies, particularly the one which fully describes the annulment process. It is all a bit daunting, particularly when my husband continues to be drawn towards orthodoxy (Eastern practices), would likely feel overwhemed by this entire process, and realizes that in the end even if he went through the process he might not receive the annulment. This calls for prayer, which I plan to do much of. Please pray for us as well! Thanks so much again.
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Hi ML52,
Code: 
It could be a bit daunting. However, most tribunals assigns an advocate/procurator to your case. This person will provide guidance and support throughout the whole process.
Also experience has shown that in most cases the main cause of delays in the process is dealing with the witnesses (You need 3, which are willing to answer a set of questions about courtship and marriage).

Good luck!

“Viva Cristo Rey!!”
Deacon Harbey Santiago
 
Thank you Deacon. At some point I hope to show all these replies to my husband, including yours.
In the meantime, can you or anyone here tell me if I am eligible for Confession at this point?
 
ML, I am 99% sure that if you are Catholic and have just been away (for years, decades, whatever) all you have to do is go to confession, and you are welcome back.

Consider your “full” coming back, for yourself, a process. You are truly back after confession. But if you knew the riches you have being Catholic you would never hesitate. Over time you can get to know how rich you are - then you will never want to leave! I am a convert and I can tell you with 100% certainty that the Catholic Church is the pearl of great price, and its worth *everything to be Catholic. Someday you will realize how fortunate you were to have been Catholic for the years you were, and to have that Catholic education, bad nuns or not! (see next post) You will feel extremely blessed because of it!

I would confess asap to a good priest so that you can return. You can church shop later! You can also visit eastern-rite Catholic churches from time to time if your husband likes that rite. You are allowed to take communion in it.

Of course you cannot receive communion now, unless you a are committed to living like brother and sister until your husband’s marraige is annulled.

Yes you need an annulment but it sounds like you have all the grounds. I urge you to go to confession to return to the church, and start the annulment process immediately. The sooner you start the sooner you can get it, because it involves waiting. So waiting to start it will only make it seem longer than it already is. Its a formal process, with chunks of just waiting time in between. Ok, yes, so then you will need to find a parish to belong to, because you do have to start the annulment process at your own parish (which then goes to the tribunal from there. basically your priest gets it started for you). It takes time! You will get your papers to fill out and you will need to take time answering them and it might take some effort to dredging up people from your husbands past to be witnesses. That was the case for us, it just happened to be hard for us. [A key witness had changed her first AND last name! I only figured it out some hint my husband gave me and then looking at her son’s Facebook friends. ]

Okay so you start with the flurry of intensive work on your part, as your husband answers those detailed questions, and the sooner the better he starts it. It will be the most work he needs to do, all at the beginning. I helped my husband with his. I type faster, so, he spoke, I typed. And then you submit and then you go into a period of waiting and waiting, with little things to do along the way (like an interview, after a time) and waiting after those things.

My husband’s annulment came end of February2013, just before Lent, so we married just after Easter. I also had a previous marraige, but we got away with “lack of form” :D. My priest is very pious and strict so I did not question it. It was much easier. My marriage was so difficult, and I was really glad I did not have to revisit it. Annulment is a very healing process, most say. But I had been over and over my marriage with counselors before during and after and was glad not to go back again.

Anyway, my husband’s annulment took 18 months from the time we filed, pretty much just like they predicted. He had very good grounds, we knew, and when we talked to my priest, he confirmed the truth of that. It took longer than 18 months if you count the time he first inquired about the annulment with the priest, because he did not start it right after he got the papers, he let them sit, he wrote, he edited, we took time to search for names of witnesses, etc. (my husband was married in England long ago and did not keep up with his old friends from University and his parents have since died and it was really hard finding witnesses, but we did find them). It felt like we were working on it. But really nearly 3 months went by while we took our time getting things and taking breaks to do other things, making total annulment time 21 months! And we were anxious to marry, and tired of waiting, especially those last 6 months. If we had known then what we knew now, we would have rushed those papers because the only part you can control the timing of this process is that part at the beginning. So, my advice is: hurry up and work hard and fast, and then wait!

As far as your husband wanting to take communion, well, we are all adults and have to do things in the right order and sometimes that includes waiting. And to make it harder, it also means “not knowing for *sure” *while you wait for annulment what the outcome will be. You have, from what you said, proper grounds for annulment so its highly unlikely you would not get it. But being eligible for it doesn’t count, you have to actually get it.

An added bonus is that not knowing for absolutely certainty what the answer will be until very very tail end of the annulment process will be an excellent opportunity to grow in the virtues of patience and trust! We all need that!

Good things come to those who wait. God wants us to to respect the sacrament, and receive it worthily. He knows this is best for us, and that’s why He asks it of us. While you wait, you can arrange with your priest to go forward at communion time for a blessing - you cross your arms over your heart when you go forward, head slightly bowed, and the priest knows to bless you rather than give you Holy Communion. But I would ask him first to be sure he knows. (some parishes have a crowd of Extraordinary Eucharistic Ministers - in that case, I woudl sit on the priests side and/or move to the back of his line to receive your blessing).

While you are getting your annulment, there is an annulment group on this forum you can join where you can get many questions answered.
 
*I wanted to say re: the crazy nuns teaching school. I grew up Protestant and my ex used to go on about his bad experience with nuns in Catholic school. Particularly there was the entertaining and tragic story about the 2nd grade nun and the miseries she inflicted on him, a tall and undisciplined boy. Having heard elsewhere about nun teachers, and from his stories, I had a picture in my mind that Catholic schools were a particularly sadistic place. Years later I unexpectedly became Catholic myself. And I asked him, having never though to ask him before - were their good nuns at that school? Yes, there were! So, see, he remembered the bad ones. But you know what, there are bad and sadistic teachers in the public schools, too! For some reason people paint a broad brush about bad nuns teaching when it probably is a similar or maybe even smaller percentage of sadistic/bad teachers.And sometimes people have dysfunctional parents that were Catholic, and blame that on Catholicism. But you know what, there are dysfunctional parents in every religion and in atheistic parent families, too.
 
Wow Eliza, you have given me much food for thought here! I also have questions about some of what you wrote and will ask them later. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut and especially for what you wrote about the nuns: amazingly, never quite thought about it like that!
 
Eliza10 said:
But you know what, there are bad and sadistic teachers in the public schools, too!
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I second that. I went to public schools my entire life. My 4th grade teacher was a nutcase. She was physically abusive to the boys in our classroom, to the point of drawing blood on their scalp with her fingernails, pinching and twisting ears, wrapping making tape and duct tape around their mouths/heads and pulling it off, and making children who were bad sit in the garbage can and calling them garbage.
 
ML52 said:
Closest branch meets once a month. We visited once and I was appalled by the number of icons, the ethnocentricity, the lack of any sermon, the kissing of the priest’s ring at the end and the extensive ritualism. The space was also very small and I felt like I was in a catacomb–some may like that but I did not, at all. Found out recently my husband had not particularly liked the service either, which is interesting. There are larger branches almost an hour away which may be very different but I know, realistically, that we will not want to be traveling that far to and fro on Sundays, our one day of rest. I also have problems with some of their beliefs. Thank you for the suggestion though!
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You would not necessarily have to attend the Mass there every week in order to work with them on your decree of nullity.

But, I do find it odd that your husband did not like the Mass there, perhaps he is not as drawn to Eastern spirituality as he thinks he is.
 
ML52 said:
Wow Eliza, you have given me much food for thought here! I also have questions about some of what you wrote and will ask them later. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut and especially for what you wrote about the nuns: amazingly, never quite thought about it like that!
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Thanks to the Internet, I reconnected with my kindergarden nun after over 50 years. I found her in a rest home for nuns and we had a very moving reunion, with lots of tears of joy and hugs. No, my nuns were not nasty or sadistic: they were patient and holy. Strict, too, but that is not a negative trait!
 
ML52 said:
Thank you so much for all your replies, particularly the one which fully describes the annulment process. It is all a bit daunting, particularly when my husband continues to be drawn towards orthodoxy (Eastern practices), would likely feel overwhemed by this entire process, and realizes that in the end even if he went through the process he might not receive the annulment. This calls for prayer, which I plan to do much of. Please pray for us as well! Thanks so much again.
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It is a bit daunting, but it’s mostly paperwork. The beauty of it is that he can take his time and fill out the questionnaire at his own pace. If he feels overwhelmed or needs a few days to think and remember details to put down he can simply walk away from the papers and come back when he’s ready.
 
Today I emailed the priest of the church I would like to attend and now have an appointment for my husband and I to meet with him. I am looking forward to this time together, as I have several questions. In the meantime, can anyone tell me if I would be eligible for the sacrament of Extreme Unction in the event that I am dying while married to my husband and he is still in the process of annulment or if the request is refused? I imagine I will not be able to receive Communion or Confession in my current married state, but what about final rites?
 
If you don’t get an answer, maybe try posting that question to the Liturgy&Sacrament sub-forum here on CAF. You can post a link to this thread so they see your back story. There are more people who post there regularly that would know the fine rules, I think, and those “in the know” might miss your question here in Family Life sub-forum.

I’m so glad you made your appointment! Hooray! 🙂
 
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