Formerly devout Catholic husband is no longer religious

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My husband and I have been married about 8 ½ years. We are both cradle Catholics who met our freshman year of college. All throughout college we were both involved with the Catholic student group on campus and the pro-life group, and we always went to mass together. We got engaged senior year and got married a year after graduation. The priest who was the chaplain at our college married us. We went through marriage preparation with him, went on an Engaged Encounter retreat, and took an NFP class. We were virgins on our wedding night. We both believed strongly in Catholicism and agreed to raise our children Catholic, and agreed on all major issues.

For the past two or three years, my husband has basically lost his faith. He says he is not very religious anymore, and can most accurately be described as agnostic. He said he believed in Catholicism because it was logical, and made more sense than any other religion. He still thinks it makes more logical sense than any other religion, but the big epiphany he had was that just because something sounds good or logical doesn’t make it true. He said when he was younger he was more willing to accept things that couldn’t be proven, but now he needs absolute proof. He just can’t believe something that can’t be proven empirically.

He still goes to mass with me and the kids (though he doesn’t go to communion) and is still OK with raising the kids Catholic. I am very grateful for those things, but I’m still kind of worried about what effect his lack of faith might have on the kids as they get older, especially our son.

He thinks I’ve been “brainwashed” to a degree, and the only reason that I (or anyone else) believes in Catholicism is because it “caught on” hundreds of years ago and spread around the world. He doesn’t think it’s possible for any human being to know what’s really true with regards to God and religion. The only account of Jesus we have is in the Bible, which was written a couple thousand years ago and has been translated many times. It just all seems so dubious to him.

Has anyone else had this happen to them, where both you and your spouse were religious when you got married, and then your spouse lost their faith? I know there are many couples with religious differences, whether they are two different religions, or one is religious and the other is not, or one is devout and the other lukewarm. But it seems like 99% of the time, it’s one of two things – either neither of them was religious when they got married, and then one spouse has a conversion or reversion later, or the religious difference existed at the time they got married and they got married anyway. Neither is true for us. When we got married we were both devout Catholics. I doubt I would have married my husband otherwise. And then, several years later, after we already had kids, my husband changed. I feel completely unprepared to deal with this. It’s not like I went into the marriage knowing what I was getting in to.

On the one hand, I don’t want to nag him. But on the other hand, I know spouses are supposed to help each other get to heaven. So what should I do? Should I talk to him about religion, have him read books and articles, and try to persuade him? (Within reason, of course – I wouldn’t want to be a nag). Or should I just not do anything except pray for him? I feel like no matter how good the argument is, he will just say that even though it sounds good, the bottom line is that none of us have actually seen God, and none of this can be proven.

What should I do? I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone else, ever. There’s a book called “When Only One Converts,” but no book called “When Only One DE-converts.” Usually in couples like us, the religious spouse is at least somewhat at “fault” for converting later in the marriage or for marrying someone knowing they were not religious. I went to great lengths to marry another faithful Catholic, and look what happened.
 
Keep praying for your husband dear. Sometimes young pe ople go through a period when the “infused” catholicism we get from our parents and early experience gets shaken or is threatened by other factors. Sometimes this is part of a process of making our religion our own rather that what we have been taught. If you talk about this from time to time, you might point out that there really is no “empirical truth” in religion, rather it is a matter of faith. You might ask him to pray, as an act of will, for a renewal of his faith. He doesn’t have to feel it so much as to want to be right with God. I think you are right to not “nag”, but that is not the same as not advising him when the timing and communication between you is right. It is part of loving him. You might want to discuss this with your confessor, and encourage your husband to also discuss with your pastor. I feel for you.
 
The only finger pointing should be done at the devil himself. Praying for your husband is certainly the most effective way to gain a conversion of heart. Understanding where he is coming from may give you a better insight regarding where/when/why/how he got off the track. My husband was the ‘breadwinner’ throughout most of our marriage, during which time we raised four wonderful children. During that time I could see my husband begin to use every excuse in the book to skip going to Mass, skip praying, lack participation in family discussions about religion; which is truly where your children will come to respect and gain faith in the true sense ~ through your honesty regarding what they find hard to believe.

Talk to your husband as well as your priest. Matthew Kelly wrote a book called Rediscover Catholicism. Buy it, read it, and discuss it with your husband if he won’t read it as well. Talk to him about Josephus, who was in no way religious but who did document the historical accuracy of Jesus in His times. Ask him how he feels about other religions. Is there another religion he feels is ‘truer’? Why? What proof do they have?

For my husband, getting off track was a result of many things; working in a high profile position in a secular business world, time, time, time, prioritizing according to society, school, children, extended family, etc. He felt less sinful when he could just take a few things off his already overladen plate.

Pray without ceasing and know that, all Catholics pray daily for the conversion of non-believers. Good luck and God bless you.
 
Pray the Rosary it helps converting people <_<

ill be praying for you, your husband and family.

I will let other poster shed some light on this.
 
You might be inspired by the story of Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_Leseur

Elisabeth and her husband were both raised Catholic, and it was only shortly before her marriage that she found that her husband had quit practicing the faith and become an ardent atheist. Although he was initially tolerant as she continued to practice the faith in which they were raised, her husband eventually began to actively dissuade his wife from the faith. In the end, his efforts only made Elisabeth grow stronger in her faith. Unbeknowst to him, she offered herself to God, asking to be given whatever sufferings were needed to save her husband’s soul.

When she was dying, she said to her husband, “Felix, when I am dead, you will become a Catholic and a Dominican priest.” To this he responded: “Elizabeth, you know my sentiments. I’ve sworn hatred of God, I shall live in the hatred and I shall die in it.” After she died, he found her writings, in which she related what she had offered up in order to save him. Although he had marvelled how she handled the illness the killed her for his sake, he dismissed her offering on his behalf as a pious fancy.

He decided to write a book against Lourdes. When he went down to Lourdes, however, and he looked up into the face of the statue of Mary, he received the gift of faith. He suddenly saw the truth, all at once. He did go on to become a Dominican priest, and related the story of his wife’s heroic life while leading retreats, which is how the famous Fulton Sheen came to know of her story.
 
sdeco said:
The only account of Jesus we have is in the Bible, which was written a couple thousand years ago and has been translated many times.
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It is true that the Bible loses a lot in translation. But the scripture we have today has not changed substantially from its original form; we still do have the Bible in its original languages. Just take a few classes in ancient Greek and ancient Hebrew and soon enough you’ll be reading the Bible as it was originally written.

That might be helpful.
 
I am so sorry for your struggles. I would recommend not nagging him-besides not working it may make him resistent to participating as much as he is, I would frequently thank him for going to Mass and whatever other things he is doing to support you and your children.

I would focus on being the best catholic wife and mother you can be, offering up tons of prayers and sacrifices for him. I would read books or offer them to him on others who have shared his exact struggles. I am sure that Catholic Answers and posters here have many suggestions as I have heard this discussed on Catholic radio.

My husband has a book from a science perspective, it is called “Show Me God” Wonders Vol.1, by Fred Heeren.

Here is what the author’s note says:

“Some people find it easy to believe everything written in their favored sacred book. Others say it is a great strain to believe any book in which almost every page contains supernatural elements. I for one find it very difficult to believe in something if I can’t see it or hear it or smell it or trip over it.
I have never seen the laws of physics suspended, and I have seen enough hoaxes to doubt the claim of any who say they have. Because such miracles are completely outside of my experience (and frauds are an everyday occurrence), I find it quite a task to believe that any miracle ever happened in the past.
Yet, here we are, living proof that somehow, sometime in the past, everything must have come from nothing–and there is just no natural way for such a thing to occur. And it turns out that physicists are saying that the universe has been very precisely “finely-tuned” to make life possible. This puts me in a bit of a dilemma. Here I am, disbelieving in miracles while the whole universe is apparenly an indescribable enormous miracle…”

I have heard that it really is harder to not believe than it is to believe in God. May-be this is just something he needs to work through to come into his own so to speak. Fortunately for him he has you to pray for him and I would put him on every prayer list you can(he’s on mine).

God bless, chris
 
I will definitely pray for you and your family.

We are all blessed with the gift of Freedom and on the website, SacredSpace.ie, (a website run by the Irish Jesuits) prayers for the proper appreciation of this gift are included in the “Daily Prayer”. I really enjoy this daily reminder of this gift and am so grateful that our religion isn’t idolatry.

I have the thought that your husband’s argument has more to do with his psychology then with his faith. That is, many of us have a difficult time believing that God loves us and that he made us in his imagine and carved us in the palm of his hand. Sometimes it is just more familiar to think that “I’m not worthy” and so we withdraw.

May God continue to bless you. Peace, g.
 
Philotheatoo said:
Ohana is right, faith is an act of will.
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Well actually,Faith is a gift of God. That is why asking God for Faith is a good exercise. When I say the Rosary, I always use the three beads at the beginning as prayers for Faith,Hope and Charity. I believe Lord, help my lack of Faith, I Hope Lord, help my lack of trust, I love Lord, help my lack of Charity. I think that is borrowed from St. Thomas Aquinas, but not sure.
 
I would be very kind and charitable, and minimize your differences as much as possible. Let him know that you appreciate his willingness to attend Mass. Depending on the ages of your children, it is okay to let them know that sometimes people struggle with faith. We all go though times of feeling closer to and further from God. We have been married 30 years, both cradle “lapsed” Catholics. Our parents were the kind who dropped you off at Mass. We raised our 5 children in the faith, attend Latin Mass, but sometimes it is a struggle to remember why. There is so much to be ashamed of in the Church lately that it is hard, very hard, to remain an intellectual and a faithful Catholic. Not that it isn’t extremely important, or as some have said, an act of the will, but it is still not easy.
Pray the rosary for his conversion, but don’t let him know, he shouldn’t feel like a project. Please don’t feel like your situation is hopeless or unusual, it is neither. Different seasons in life affect our ability to believe. Things change. Hope and pray, but take very good care of your marriage. Don’t let this drive a wedge between you.
 
Everything the other posters have written is great advice. Never lose hope!

One point you might make to you husband, when he says that Christianity just “caught on,” is that if it were merely a fad or a fashion of some kind, why would it have endured for over 2,000 years past Jesus’ death, in spite of persecutions, destruction of churches and cathedrals, the Protestant reformation, even apathy? The Church is more powerful than just a fad or some kind of long-term Jesus fan club!

But I would say it will not be your place to argue him back to the Church. Pray for him, and if he has any male friends who are still solid Catholics, pray for them as well. Is his dad still alive, is he Catholic? Does he have any uncles who are solid Catholics? If family members are, and could come alongside him and help him take his faith truly as his own, I would ask them to do that. He might get angry at first, but if it were me, I’d be willing to risk it in order to benefit my husband long-term.

It must be so disheartening to lose something you have had with your husband. I have never enjoyed that type of unity, although I long for it. So I can’t mourn for what I have never had (my husband and I were both lapsed, I reverted, he did not).

You could also consider getting a green scapular and praying for him every day - it’s for conversion and there are many stories of success. He probably wouldn’t wear it but evidently it works even if you hide it somewhere such as under his side of the mattress.

:hug1:

St. Monica was the mother of Augustine and helps wives with husbands who don’t believe.
 
When I was 21 God took hold of me… that is, the Presense was there and I believed in Him. Faith comes by grace. But we also have to search for it, although we cannot take the defining step into it without being carried by the Holy Spirit…, and once we have faith, we must nurture it.

However, to deny God’s existence, I don’t think I could.
There is alot here about Jesus being a historical person and Catholicism being logical. Well, any well structured 2000 year old organization can seem logical. Your husband is right… this logical intellectualness isn’t enough.

Faith is supernatural. The knowlege in you, which makes you realize that God is here watching you…

I think that if I ever really doubted,
I would think about all the friends I have met and talked to, normal down to eath people who experienced the supernatural just like Paul did when he was on the way and was struck off his horse.
  • I know a guy who nearly died in an accident. He saw three angels.
  • I met severel people who were healed in the last stage of cancer or from alcoholism, or from serious mental illness during a mass or a prayer in the name of Jesus.
  • I know a woman who was clinically dead for a while and met the Lord and spoke to him, whereafter she was returned to her body and had to go through extensive to learn how to move and talk again.
  • I know girl who, when she was 11 years old woke up one morning and saw the whole of her room had dissapeared, and instead there was a field and Jesus came towards her and talked to her.
  • I knew a 2 year old girl who pointed out of the window in the living room a few hours before she died in an accident, and said: “There is Jesus”…
  • I met people who smuggled Bibles into communist countries and who testified how God had hidden their Bibles right infront of the police who checked everything… even people were hidden from the sight of the police in this mysterious manner.
And I could continue with these stories… now if I hadn’t heard about any such interventions since the time of Christ and all I was asked was to give an intellectual consent to a logical system, I don’t think I would be a Christian.
Because God is alive and still working!

Because I have experienced inner miracles and have heard about the outer miracles and even seen healings take place in the name of Jesus before my eyes…

I would have a hard time becoming an atheist or agnostic.
 
Don’t nag. I suggest limiting religious discussions for a while. Arguments won’t work. Prayer and fasting might.

He wants to see Jesus in order to believe—so show him Jesus. You need to become a saint. The saints spread the faith because they showed Jesus to others. The saints knew Jesus–really, truly knew Him–in their hearts. Christianity spread because people* knew* Jesus. But you can’t argue that because it’s something he has to experience for himself.

If he was a devout cradle Catholic, it’s a pity he feels he never really experienced that yet. Maybe he is just suffering from memory loss and he needs a gentle reminder through you now. Life gets difficult at times and stress can cause some people to forget things.

You married him for better or worse. None of us knew/know who our spouses will be ten, twenty, or fifty years from now when we married them. We are suppose to help our spouses become better people–and the man you married now needs you to become the best person you could possibly become.
 
gardenswithkids said:
Don’t nag. I suggest limiting religious discussions for a while. Arguments won’t work. Prayer and fasting might.

He wants to see Jesus in order to believe—so show him Jesus. You need to become a saint. The saints spread the faith because they showed Jesus to others. The saints knew Jesus–really, truly knew Him–in their hearts. Christianity spread because people* knew* Jesus. But you can’t argue that because it’s something he has to experience for himself.

If he was a devout cradle Catholic, it’s a pity he feels he never really experienced that yet. Maybe he is just suffering from memory loss and he needs a gentle reminder through you now. Life gets difficult at times and stress can cause some people to forget things.

You married him for better or worse. None of us knew/know who our spouses will be ten, twenty, or fifty years from now when we married them. We are suppose to help our spouses become better people–and the man you married now needs you to become the best person you could possibly become.
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Perfect. What I was trying to say above.
 
I have been thinking about your post for the past couple of days. Especially the above posts about you, becoming a saint. I really don’t know how that makes any sense, other than the need to express love in your relationship which is a vow in the first place.

I suppose what is troubling me is your husband’s issues of the church as it relates to his views on Marriage. Just what might those views be and just what does his new view of the world implicate his views on what is Marriage? Just what is “Love” if there is no God? Aren’t we taught that God is Love?

Still praying. Peace, g.
 
Hi, I realize that you posted this back in February, but I felt the need to reply. How is it going? Others have posted helpful tips and positive words, and two examples of women to look up to. What I wanted to share is that I am in the same boat as you. It is hard, especially as my oldest is asking why daddy doesn’t go to Mass (he is 7). My husband had gone to Mass up until about a year ago. Now it’s just me and the children (four kids 7 and under).

I still am not sure what happened but I am sure some of it comes from stress of being the dad, the breadwinner. Much of it comes from being in the work force surrounded by people who aren’t even Christian and some even claim to be atheist. And some comes from the fact that I think he was poorly catechized.

I think others are right in that the most effective tools are prayer, example and sacrifice on your part. It is not easy - it is never easy. I find that the situation is leading me to a deeper spiritual life and wanting to learn even more about the Church. I have found though that the more I pray (without my husband knowing of course) is that my husband becomes more outspoken about his disbelief and tries to “sell” me on it. I try to remain calm and rational when he gets like this. Never easy and I am not a debater so I also pray for the right words to say to him. Mostly I leave it alone and pray for his soul. I casually ask him every week if he wants to go to Mass and try to keep neutral when he refuses.

As far as the kids, I homeschool and I am able to incorporate a lot of faith-related items throughout the day. When my oldest asked earlier this year about my husband I told him that his dad was having a hard time believing in God and that we need to pray for him. I do fear what his nonbelief will do to the kids but I try to have hope, to trust.

The hardest thing for me aside from my husband’s lack of faith is that of both our families I am the only practicing Catholic (I am adult convert and my husband’s dad was not a Catholic and the rest of his family stopped practicing). I often feel alone and I struggle with a sense of resentment, especially during those moments of time where I struggle and wish that my husband could lift me up in prayer. Ultimately I know it is God who lifts me up so I try to hold onto that.

So know you are not alone.

God bless.
 
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