Foster Care and Abortion

[RCIAGraduate]

When someone criticizes your anti-abortion stance or pro-life position, by either pointing out or referring to the Foster Care System (e.g. asking you if you’d be willing to adopt a child (or all the children) from Foster Care or stating a concern of stressing an already overloaded system), do you see it as an insult, an attack or a challenge?

On one hand, I feel like I can understand where they’re coming from, perhaps some of them have been through the Foster Care System themselves; as a result, maybe they became bitter because no one was there for them, no one was there to save them, perhaps rescue them.

Thoughts?

 

[Nelka]

We wanted to adopt but we were told we hadn’t been together long enough to face any big trials.

 

[10gr8kids]

We too were told we hadn’t been married long enough at one time. We looked into it after we’d been married 2 years. We also seriously thought about it about 4 years ago. We took several hours of required classes and learned a lot about the foster care system. They make it quite challenging, IMO, for people to foster. They expect you to lock up all of your kitchen knives, that is one thing I thought was overboard, I could see that if you were fostering a violent teen, but if you were even fostering a baby the same requirements are made. But that is not what has kept us thus far from pursuing this option, because we still have a desire to adopt. It is the fact that the goal is always reunification with the parent, even when the child has been sexually abused by that same parent.
After losing 8 babies due to miscarriage, my husband is afraid I might not be strong enough emotionally to fall in love with a child only to have them taken and given back to a family that is very likely going to abuse the child again.

 

[midori]

I see it as sort of a fallacy-- if you’re not personally fostering unwanted children, you don’t deserve to have an opinion about whether someone should be able to kill their unwanted child. You might as well say that if you’re not a soldier, you shouldn’t have an opinion about war; or if you’re not a teacher, you shouldn’t have an opinion about the educational system; or if you’re not Muslim, you shouldn’t have an opinion about jihad and jihadists.

FWIW, I would love to do foster work, but my husband works with CPS too regularly as part of his job. If I got involved with foster care, it would conflict him out of the cases he deals with— and whereas I could help just one or two children at a time, he’s able to help dozens each year.

 

[zamyrabyrd]

We too were told we hadn’t been married long enough at one time. We looked into it after we’d been married 2 years… we still have a desire to adopt. It is the fact that the goal is always reunification with the parent, even when the child has been sexually abused by that same parent.
After losing 8 babies due to miscarriage, my husband is afraid I might not be strong enough emotionally to fall in love with a child only to have them taken and given back to a family that is very likely going to abuse the child again.

So sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Were you successful in having other children or adoption?

 

[10gr8kids]

So sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Were you successful in having other children or adoption?

Thank you, yes I had two successful pregnancies and we have two beautiful children. My husband and I both would love to have more, and that is why we are still considering adoption. It is just trying to figure out the best way for us to go about it that seems to be the hard part.

 

[Regina7]

We too were told we hadn’t been married long enough at one time. We looked into it after we’d been married 2 years. We also seriously thought about it about 4 years ago. We took several hours of required classes and learned a lot about the foster care system. They make it quite challenging, IMO, for people to foster. They expect you to lock up all of your kitchen knives, that is one thing I thought was overboard, I could see that if you were fostering a violent teen, but if you were even fostering a baby the same requirements are made. But that is not what has kept us thus far from pursuing this option, because we still have a desire to adopt. It is the fact that the goal is always reunification with the parent, even when the child has been sexually abused by that same parent.
After losing 8 babies due to miscarriage, my husband is afraid I might not be strong enough emotionally to fall in love with a child only to have them taken and given back to a family that is very likely going to abuse the child again.

Same here. We’ve also very seriously looked into fostering to adopt. But I know I couldn’t give back a child to abusive parent. My friend is fostering a baby who was found with two broken legs in the toilet. CPS is trying to reunite that baby with parents. Seriously? I would kidnap that kid.

 

[Theo520]

Foster Care spends $40,000 per child with their annual budget.

Any criticisms should be directed at gross mismanagement by the people in charge, not a lack of available and capable parents.

 

[RCIAGraduate]

For Nelka

We wanted to adopt but we were told we hadn’t been together long enough to face any big trials.

On one hand, I’m sorry to hear that. On the other, perhaps it may possibly be the best (adoption is not the only way to help children), have you and your family ever considered other ways of volunteering (like becoming an Advocate of some sort or volunteering an at Children or Youth Home?).

Perhaps you can be a Benefactor like in Great Expectations .

Seriously though thank you for considering( ), but perhaps the best thing you might be able to for now do for disadvantaged and vulnerable children is to pray the Divine Mercy Devotion for them and maybe if possible and constructive increase awareness in your Parish.

For 10gr8kids

…I could see that if you were fostering a violent teen…

Perhaps, they’re encouraging the fostering of adolescents and teens? I believe there’s a big need in that area so maybe, could that be why they’re incorporating that (I mean not the best encouraging and outreach tactic if though).

But that is not what has kept us thus far from pursuing this option, because we still have a desire to adopt.

Thank you and I appreciate your (and your spouse’s) perseverance and persistence ( ), personally I had gotten my knots tied and bunched up over little things like school bureaucracy(and those things were MY fault), overloaded and heavily stressed Child Welfare must be frustrating at times (for all involved).

It is the fact that the goal is always reunification with the parent, even when the child has been sexually abused by that same parent.

But the thing is, aren’t most children in the Child Welfare System due to more little (but still serious stuff) like poverty and substance abuse (please don’t get aggravated or agitated I just want to ask your view and opinion). Like because of housing conditions though the parents can’t afford anything better, or a mother who genuinely cares for her child but she fell into the trap of addiction because of the difficulties of life, or an overly stressed, struggling parent who want a bit too far one time. Ok, I know, cry me a river but aren’t a lot of these parents and children simply people who need a hand up (and concrete help) but don’t have the recourse of an extended family or a supportive community.

After losing 8 babies due to miscarriage, my husband is afraid I might not be strong enough emotionally to fall in love with a child only to have them taken and given back to a family that is very likely going to abuse the child again.

I’m sorry to hear that, you went through what no human being should ever have to experience. In the end, I hope everything works out for the best manner and way for your and your family, thank you for your feedback. I wish you and your family well.

**For Midori **(by the way, thanks for the other post regarding my personal situation ).

I see it as sort of a fallacy-- if you’re not personally fostering unwanted children, you don’t deserve to have an opinion about whether someone should be able to kill their unwanted child. You might as well say that if you’re not a soldier, you shouldn’t have an opinion about war; or if you’re not a teacher, you shouldn’t have an opinion about the educational system; or if you’re not Muslim, you shouldn’t have an opinion about jihad and jihadists.

You have a point there, while the concern of overly stressed child welfare system does seem valid; it does also seem unfair to turn the tables and make the person advocating for the unborn child’s right, the bad guy. Someone else told me that was basically
ad hominem.

Also, Midori, I thank and salute your husband’s work. It must be an intense and stressful job. And I thank you consideration for being open to Foster Work. Since you mentioned the conflict of interest, would the same apply to being a CASA as well? Also, perhaps you can be his partner of sorts(ok I know you already are), but like Bonnie to his Clyde and provide volunteer work with abused and neglected children like creating a Rainbow Room in your Parish or while he works in Child Protective Services, you could work with Crisis Pregnancy Centers; like he’s a police office and you’re a firefighter or he’s a Marine and you’re in the CIA.

Anyways please excuse me, if it seems condescending for me to bark suggestions from the comfort of my computer(I like making ideas). When you’re not too busy, and when he’s not overloaded or too busy being focused on being a good, loving husband, would you mind asking if my premise of most children and youth coming into the CPS, Child Welfare and Foster Care is due to underlying issues like poverty, mental illness, and substance abuse which can be deal with preventive measures like help with housing or rehabilitative measures like mental health services and/or substance abuse treatment.

 

[RCIAGraduate]

**For Regina **

Same here. We’ve also very seriously looked into fostering to adopt. But I know I couldn’t give back a child to abusive parent. My friend is fostering a baby who was found with two broken legs in the toilet. CPS is trying to reunite that baby with parents. Seriously? I would kidnap that kid.

Aren’t you already working with Pregnancy Resource Centers, stop it, you don’t have to do everything. But seriously, if you are the same poster, thank you for your work and if you are not and I confused you for anyone else, please pardon me. I’m sorry about the kid, I hope it ends well for your friend (salutes to that person as well,perhaps foster children may not be as marginalized as I have previously thought, there are good people out there and right here) and the child.

**For everyone. **

Again, as I reiterated, aren’t most parents and families involved with Child Welfare simply people who really struggle like all of us absolutely not defending abuse and neglect.
It’s just… the more attention focused on cases and families that simply need help, dare I see more social welfare, doesn’t that mean less attention and focus on cases that need priority like the more we focus on neglect and substance abuse (which can be remedied in other ways, the less on sexual abuse for instead. Again please be patient with me, though I’m been getting more interested (or obsessed) with the issue lately, I know I don’t know or understand everything.

**For Theo **(glad to see you’re back, how was your Christmas and how is your New Year going)?

Foster Care spends $40,000 per child with their annual budget.

Any criticisms should be directed at gross mismanagement by the people in charge, not a lack of available and capable parents.

But the social workers don’t seem to have enough time for the children and youth. If there’s anything I could do to reform the child welfare system, it’s to ensure visitation among caseworkers and their children, making sure they talk with the kid for several hours, know their hopes and dreams(and helping with that like education), look around home surrounding and check up twice a week, let the youth know someone is there for them, listening them and hearing them out.

If you actually went through and read all of it. Thank you.

 

[Regina7]

**For Regina **

Aren’t you already working with Pregnancy Resource Centers, stop it, you don’t have to do everything. But seriously, if you are the same poster, thank you for your work and if you are not and I confused you for anyone else, please pardon me. I’m sorry about the kid, I hope it ends well for your friend (salutes to that person as well,perhaps foster children may not be as marginalized as I have previously thought, there are good people out there and right here) and the child.

o

Yes, that’s me. I am the director of a crisis pregnancy center. But I’ve always dreamed of having many children. A priest told me that God puts that strong desire in women for a reason and if I can’t have more naturally to look into adoption. I’d love to have a house full of kids. So I suppose that is more of a selfish (though not bad), whereas I don’t get that fulfillment from the pregnancy center. Not sure if that made sense.

 

[10gr8kids]

RCIAGraduate

Perhaps, they’re encouraging the fostering of adolescents and teens? I believe there’s a big need in that area so maybe, could that be why they’re incorporating that (I mean not the best encouraging and outreach tactic if though).

There is a great need for fostering teens, but that isn’t something we feel like we can do now with our pre-teen children. Maybe once our children are grown and out of the house that is something we might consider.

But the thing is, aren’t most children in the Child Welfare System due to more little (but still serious stuff) like poverty and substance abuse (please don’t get aggravated or agitated I just want to ask your view and opinion). Like because of housing conditions though the parents can’t afford anything better, or a mother who genuinely cares for her child but she fell into the trap of addiction because of the difficulties of life, or an overly stressed, struggling parent who want a bit too far one time. Ok, I know, cry me a river but aren’t a lot of these parents and children simply people who need a hand up (and concrete help) but don’t have the recourse of an extended family or a supportive community.

There are probably a lot of families like this, and I could see why reunification would be the best in these instances. Maybe I could even find a little joy in helping these families, even though knowing myself it would still be difficult. But in other cases, like the one Regina mentioned, it would be unbearable.

I’m sorry to hear that, you went through what no human being should ever have to experience. In the end, I hope everything works out for the best manner and way for your and your family, thank you for your feedback. I wish you and your family well.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[10gr8kids]

Same here. We’ve also very seriously looked into fostering to adopt. But I know I couldn’t give back a child to abusive parent. My friend is fostering a baby who was found with two broken legs in the toilet. CPS is trying to reunite that baby with parents. Seriously? I would kidnap that kid.

That’s just terrible! I talked with a lady we took foster parenting classes with and she had a baby they got when he was just a month old. He was severely injured by his parents, I don’t remember the details exactly, but after they had him almost a year, he had to go back to them. She said it was the worst 4 months of her life. Then they got him back again. DHS was still working toward reunification, and she said if he went back to that home again she’d be done with fostering.

 

[zamyrabyrd]

That’s just terrible! I talked with a lady we took foster parenting classes with and she had a baby they got when he was just a month old. He was severely injured by his parents, I don’t remember the details exactly, but after they had him almost a year, he had to go back to them. She said it was the worst 4 months of her life. Then they got him back again. DHS was still working toward reunification, and she said if he went back to that home again she’d be done with fostering.

It’s really hard to anything for kids, if you know that the parents are going to sabotage what you are doing. As a teacher, I had this dilemma quite a few times. You do what you can do and hope it sticks. It is still better than nothing.

 

[sherimarie]

I’ve never met a good foster family that wasn’t prolife, the lifers are doing their part in the fight for ALL children. We want to end all child abuse, abortion included, the foster care system is seriously flawed (no surprise! the government can’t do anything as well as the Nuns in the old days) that is no reason to abort thousands of little babies every year.

 

[Viki63]

They make it quite challenging, IMO, for people to foster. They expect you to lock up all of your kitchen knives, that is one thing I thought was overboard,.

It can’t be the same in all states. I never heard of such a requirement. We got our two through the foster-adopt program; it involved children who were believed to need adoption down the road.
It’s true that the state tries to reunite children with their parents, but they have a time limit; at least they did when we started 20 years ago. (Our kids are 22 and 19 now). If the birth parents could not meet the requirements, including attending parenting classes, being drug free, and so on, within 18 months, the children would become eligible for adoption.
It is hard to foster children that may be returned to their birth parents. We found that very difficult, but we did it by reminding ourselves that we wanted what was best for the children, and praying a lot. It wasn’t about our needs, but the child’s needs. That helped us keep it in perspective. And we were able to provide love and stability to children who might not have had it for that period.

Again, as I reiterated, aren’t most parents and families involved with Child Welfare simply people who really struggle like all of us .

I don’t think so. Again, my experience is limited to the few children we fostered. But in 18 months, the parents were unable to consistently attend parenting classes, give up drugs, and come to visits with their children. One birth mother was 14, and felt her duty was to care for her grandmother, so certainly no blame can be attached.
The state really wants to reunite families, but it isn’t always possible.

.

 

[bitterhope]

It can’t be the same in all states. I never heard of such a requirement. We got our two through the foster-adopt program; it involved children who were believed to need adoption down the road.
It’s true that the state tries to reunite children with their parents, but they have a time limit; at least they did when we started 20 years ago. (Our kids are 22 and 19 now). If the birth parents could not meet the requirements, including attending parenting classes, being drug free, and so on, within 18 months, the children would become eligible for adoption.
It is hard to foster children that may be returned to their birth parents. We found that very difficult, but we did it by reminding ourselves that we wanted what was best for the children, and praying a lot. It wasn’t about our needs, but the child’s needs. That helped us keep it in perspective. And we were able to provide love and stability to children who might not have had it for that period.

I don’t think so. Again, my experience is limited to the few children we fostered. But in 18 months, the parents were unable to consistently attend parenting classes, give up drugs, and come to visits with their children. One birth mother was 14, and felt her duty was to care for her grandmother, so certainly no blame can be attached.
The state really wants to reunite families, but it isn’t always possible.

.

No, we never locked up our kitchen knives either.

I don’t suggest fostering kids if your sole purpose is to adopt. There are other avenues for adoption and most in the foster care system aren’t eligible and won’t become eligible. Most need families willing to step up temporarily not permanently. One of the biggest problems with the current system is that too many foster parents mistakenly think it is going to end up a permanent placement and when it doesn’t they stop fostering. Yes there are many adoption eligible kids in foster care but the majority aren’t and never will be. Due to shortages in the number of foster homes, quite a few siblings are split up. Many kids end up in state run shelters instead of with families. Temporary emergency shelters end up being long term placements or a spring board to permanent institutionalized care. The most vulnerable kids end up being the ones that pay the most.

I only fostered one sibling group as a mom, but I knew from the start it was a temporary situation and I didn’t have any hope to make it permanent. I grew up with several foster siblings though, and we also knew they were only temporary placements. Fostering is a very unique form of parenting and should not be done for the sole purpose of finding a child to adopt. Many foster parents are are ineligible to be adoptive parents anyway. My family was approved as an emergency placement home but I would not be able to foster any other way. The state really wants to keep kids as stable as possible and an imperfect home situation is still better than a shelter. The sibling group I had would have gone to a shelter if I hadn’t agreed to take them in. Our house is too small, but in a pinch the caseworkers will make do.

Many people think there are more restrictions than there really are. Different states also have different requirements as well. Fostering is a very special calling that is a different call than adopting, but some people are called to do both. Anyone interested should contact their state and see what is required by them and not go by anyone else’s experiences. There are so many variances even within the same state that you really will never know unless you make contact yourself. You may only qualify for emergency placements or respite care, or you may be a long term home or even an adoptive home in time. But no matter which you qualify for, there are children waiting that need someone at each of those stages.

 

[midori]

Also, Midori, I thank and salute your husband’s work. It must be an intense and stressful job. And I thank you consideration for being open to Foster Work. Since you mentioned the conflict of interest, would the same apply to being a CASA as well? Also, perhaps you can be his partner of sorts(ok I know you already are), but like Bonnie to his Clyde and provide volunteer work with abused and neglected children like creating a Rainbow Room in your Parish or while he works in Child Protective Services, you could work with Crisis Pregnancy Centers; like he’s a police office and you’re a firefighter or he’s a Marine and you’re in the CIA.

I’m currently a SAHM. I’ve asked him what he thought about my volunteering with CASA before I go back to rejoin the workforce when our own kids are older. It would conflict him out as well. His work is generally ad litem work, to make sure the kids’ best interests are looked out for in the court system. If I ever got involved with fostering or CASA, the others involved would be able to make an argument that he’s not unbiased, and would petition to have the kids represented by someone else who might not be as diligent about the situation. So there’s not a lot I can do hands-on, but I can pray quietly, and work with the kids who are in my sphere of influence.

would you mind asking if my premise of most children and youth coming into the CPS, Child Welfare and Foster Care is due to underlying issues like poverty, mental illness, and substance abuse which can be deal with preventive measures like help with housing or rehabilitative measures like mental health services and/or substance abuse treatment.

I’d be happy to ask him. I’ll post back.