Foster parenting

[MomaMary8]

Does anyone foster babies? My husband and I are pondering the idea, but before we get too far in our pondering, I’d like to hear from others who do this. The local are where we live are in need of temporary homes for newborn babies between the time of hospital discharge and the termination hearing. They stay (they say) is about 30 days on average.

Please let me know your thoughts, especially the impact it may have on other family members (good and bad) and how tough the reality is with these poor dear babies.

Thanks!

 

[boomerang]

Wow! Mother of 10 and you’re willing to take on more? God bless you! :clapping:

 

[WT1]

If you are feeling the call then go for it. You Obviousily are more experienced with babies than the vast majority of the world!

The only thing I would caution is that fostering is temporary and there are some incredibly sad stories, so this is going to take an emotional toll and you will fall in love with these babies.

Make sure you are emotionally ready.

 

[MomaMary8]

If you are feeling the call then go for it. You Obviousily are more experienced with babies than the vast majority of the world!

The only thing I would caution is that fostering is temporary and there are some incredibly sad stories, so this is going to take an emotional toll and you will fall in love with these babies.

Make sure you are emotionally ready.

That is my biggest worry. Bringing in a baby to care for would be the easy part, letting go worries me! I also worry about my younger children and how they would respond when the day came to say good bye to the baby. I’d take another baby in the house in a heart beat, I’m just not sure about the toll on my kids (the youngest few are 4, 6, 8 and 10) when we let them go.

And please don’t applaud me yet, I’m just at the thinking about it stage. We’d have a few steps to do before being accepted as foster parents. I’m not even sure if the state would allow us since we already have the larger than average household

 

[bitterhope]

I grew up with foster siblings and as a mom I have had an emergency placement sibling group. I have no experience with newborns waiting for adoption but that is a really happy type of placement. I would say go for it.

I learned so much about love from my foster siblings that I wouldn’t have ever learned from anyone else. I learned that love and care for others has no limits or boundaries and that it should not be reserved only for permanent relationships. I learned the more love you spread around, the more love your heart produces. I learned that love sometimes hurts and people may leave and never come back, but that hurt is well worth it. Not ever knowing those people would be so much worse. I learned that all life matters and even though life is hard, it is a beautiful gift from God. I learned to get along with and bond with people who I have absolutely nothing in common with. There is so much more.

As the foster mom of sibling group I learned that there are times we struggle not to have favorites and that it is normal to feel more like a nanny or teacher than a parent. It was very heartbreaking to me to realize that I wasn’t bonding with the entire group in the way I did my foster siblings growing up. I even talked to the caseworker and my mom extensively about how I was feeling. The caseworker reassured me that those feelings were very common and normal. My mom said she struggled at times too and gave me tips on how to handle those feelings. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself experiencing similar feelings at some point.

If you are only taking newborns waiting for adoption, most of the problems other foster parents experience you won’t have to deal with. Your kids may have trouble saying goodbye, but as a mom there are many things you can do to help prevent deep trauma. Include them in the process from the beginning. Make it thoroughly clear from day 1 that these babies are temporary family members and that their home is somewhere else. Talk to them about how hard it is to say goodbye but how happy it is that these lucky babies are being placed in a loving home with parents who have prayed for them for a very long time. Tell them about the deep love their birth parents feel for the babies, how they loved them so much that they have given them life and a better home than they personally could provide. Remind them that the heartache they feel when baby goes to adoptive parents is only a micro fraction of the pain birth mom and dad are experiencing, and that the pain is a good thing because it shows that they have love to give to others. That love is worth the hurt. Remind your children that this is a gift from God that your family is able to perform this important mission on earth. Not all families are willing or able to do this. Plan an adoption day celebration for each baby. On the day that baby goes home, have a special meal, cake, ice cream, a special outing, or something similar. This will re enforce the positive of baby’s big day instead of allowing them to wallow in sorrow. It will help them learn to celebrate other people’s joy even while hurting inside. That type of sacrifice is the very best kind of love, and it will be repeated multiple times throughout life (siblings moving out, kids getting married, spouse getting transfer for work, etc). That kind of love is what fills our hearts with pure joy for the glory of God. By learning how to do this as children, it will be much easier to experience it in adulthood.

Be sure to keep two scrap books of each foster child and their time with you. One book for your family to keep and one for the adoptive parents. That will help both families. You have concrete memories, and they have a record of baby’s start in life, eating/sleeting schedules and early preferences, as well as dr appts and health concerns. Name the babies and love them for the time they are yours. Speak of them often. Many of my foster siblings have returned to our lives as adults. Some had questions they were seeking answers to while others just wanted to return to the closest thing they ever had to a real family. Since these babies are in a much different situation I don’t know how that will work for them, but if nothing else they will benefit from the prayers of so many people that love them throughout their lives.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have specific questions you would like answered. I’ll do my best to give you straight forward answers

 

[WT1]

The problem with fostering is the goal is get them back with their parents or other family members and those situations can be bad. As a foster parent you don’t have any rights and if the courts say give the child up to these screwed up people you have to comply.

We have a close friend that fostered a 2 year old and is trying to adopt because the family is all screwed up and she can’t bare for them to take her. Fortunately the grandmother already has two of her siblings (can’t take more as she maxed out) and is fighting for our friend to keep the child.

At the end of the day I think she will be able to adopt but her parents are footing the legal bill to help (they fell in love with the little girl too!).

It’s a massive emotional toll that you are potentially taking on so its important to acknowledge that on the front end.

 

[bitterhope]

The problem with fostering is the goal is get them back with their parents or other family members and those situations can be bad. As a foster parent you don’t have any rights and if the courts say give the child up to these screwed up people you have to comply.

We have a close friend that fostered a 2 year old and is trying to adopt because the family is all screwed up and she can’t bare for them to take her. Fortunately the grandmother already has two of her siblings (can’t take more as she maxed out) and is fighting for our friend to keep the child.

At the end of the day I think she will be able to adopt but her parents are footing the legal bill to help (they fell in love with the little girl too!).

It’s a massive emotional toll that you are potentially taking on so its important to acknowledge that on the front end.

This is not always the case. Some foster children are ready for adoption before entering care. Some are not available for adoption and will never be. Sometimes children are in foster care due to reasons that are not in anyway abusive. The sibling group I fostered were placed in my care while waiting for dad to return from deployment because mom was unable to care for them due to a medical issue. Two of my foster sisters were placed with us for very similar reasons. Not all foster children are neglected, abused, or from any other dangerous situation. Not all are able to return to birth families. Most will never be available for adoption.

Foster parenting should not be used as a fast track to adoption but unfortunately it often is. Adoption and fostering are two completely different services. Social workers, if they do their job correctly, should inform foster parents that even if a child is made available for adoption, the foster parents usually aren’t the first choice as adoptive parents for the child. This is a flaw in the current system, but believe it or not, more birth parents are victimized by the system than foster or adoptive parents are. More decent parents loose custody to the state and fight for years and never get their kids back than the bad parents that have children returned. In the end it’s the kids that suffer the most. Truthfully, many foster parents are in it for the wrong reasons and kids often suffer more abuse from them than they ever did from their birth families. Some kids were never abused until entering into foster care. Most foster parents are great people and most care extremely well for the kids. The problem is that many of the best ones get burned out and stop fostering because the emotional toll is too high for them. They forget that the service they signed up for is as temporary loving guardian and not permanent parent.

I’ll pray for your friend. I hope that whatever is best for that baby ends up happening. Thank them for caring enough to open their hearts and home to the little ones often forgotten by society.

 

[Irishmom2]

I learned so much about love from my foster siblings that I wouldn’t have ever learned from anyone else. I learned that love and care for others has no limits or boundaries and that it should not be reserved only for permanent relationships. I learned the more love you spread around, the more love your heart produces. I learned that love sometimes hurts and people may leave and never come back, but that hurt is well worth it. Not ever knowing those people would be so much worse. I learned that all life matters and even though life is hard, it is a beautiful gift from God. I learned to get along with and bond with people who I have absolutely nothing in common with. There is so much more.

…

If you are only taking newborns waiting for adoption, most of the problems other foster parents experience you won’t have to deal with. Your kids may have trouble saying goodbye, but as a mom there are many things you can do to help prevent deep trauma. Include them in the process from the beginning. Make it thoroughly clear from day 1 that these babies are temporary family members and that their home is somewhere else. Talk to them about how hard it is to say goodbye but how happy it is that these lucky babies are being placed in a loving home with parents who have prayed for them for a very long time. Tell them about the deep love their birth parents feel for the babies, how they loved them so much that they have given them life and a better home than they personally could provide. Remind them that the heartache they feel when baby goes to adoptive parents is only a micro fraction of the pain birth mom and dad are experiencing, and that the pain is a good thing because it shows that they have love to give to others. That love is worth the hurt. Remind your children that this is a gift from God that your family is able to perform this important mission on earth. Not all families are willing or able to do this. Plan an adoption day celebration for each baby. On the day that baby goes home, have a special meal, cake, ice cream, a special outing, or something similar. This will re enforce the positive of baby’s big day instead of allowing them to wallow in sorrow. It will help them learn to celebrate other people’s joy even while hurting inside. That type of sacrifice is the very best kind of love, and it will be repeated multiple times throughout life (siblings moving out, kids getting married, spouse getting transfer for work, etc). That kind of love is what fills our hearts with pure joy for the glory of God. By learning how to do this as children, it will be much easier to experience it in adulthood.

Beautiful, Bitterhope!

 

[Viki63]

It is wonderful that you are considering fostering, since there is a great need.

I believe that states differ as to rules regarding foster children. We had 3 foster children. two of them we adopted, and one was returned to his birth mother. Our state has a category called foster-adoption, in which children who probably will be adoptable are placed. We wanted to adopt so we applied for that category.

But a previous poster said that "some will never be " available for adoption. I’m not sure this is correct, though am willing to be corrected since it’s been a long time. But last I heard, the agency has 18 months to make a plan for a child, either adoption or return to birth parents. If the birth parents can’t meet the requirements, such as attending parenting classes, being clean of drugs, and so on, within a certain time limit, the plan becomes adoption. Children are not supposed to sit in foster care for years as they did previously. How this works out in real life, I’m not sure.

But I know I’m very grateful to the foster mother who cared for my son when he left the hospital until he was placed in his next home, because he experienced love at an early age and now is able to give love to his own son.

.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I think it’s wonderful of you to look into this!

Yes you probably exceed the family size limit. My friend adopted a child with five biological children (well 4 and pregnant with fifth) but that was the maximum allowed by the agency.

But don’t let that discourage you. Maybe this is something you are called to look into after some (or all) your children have left the nest? That way you meet the size requirements and it’s not as emotionally difficult for them (cause I’m sure attachment issues are quite difficult. They would be for me. )

 

[bitterhope]

It is wonderful that you are considering fostering, since there is a great need.

I believe that states differ as to rules regarding foster children. We had 3 foster children. two of them we adopted, and one was returned to his birth mother. Our state has a category called foster-adoption, in which children who probably will be adoptable are placed. We wanted to adopt so we applied for that category.

But a previous poster said that "some will never be " available for adoption. I’m not sure this is correct, though am willing to be corrected since it’s been a long time. But last I heard, the agency has 18 months to make a plan for a child, either adoption or return to birth parents. If the birth parents can’t meet the requirements, such as attending parenting classes, being clean of drugs, and so on, within a certain time limit, the plan becomes adoption. Children are not supposed to sit in foster care for years as they did previously. How this works out in real life, I’m not sure.

But I know I’m very grateful to the foster mother who cared for my son when he left the hospital until he was placed in his next home, because he experienced love at an early age and now is able to give love to his own son.

.

It does does vary by state, but many children are never adopted and end up aging out of the system. It happens for many reasons. Children reunited or placed with relatives. Birth parents, grandparents, other family members fighting for the child in court. Psychological problems. “Suitable” adoptive parents but found. No adoptive parents apply. Child does not want adoption. The list of reasons children age out is endless. If a child is in a foster to adoption program they are available. The state has many reasons for gaining custody and those reasons may take much longer than 18 months to clear up. One example would be a parent in jail whose rights are not terminated. His/her child could very well be in foster care for several years and never avalible for adoption. Another example is a child in states custody who has legal issues of their own. Another reason would be a child whose birth mother or father or both has not been tracked down and a judge has not ruled to terminate their rights. Until termination occurs a child is not available for adoption and most parents never have their rights terminated unless they sign them over themselves. Most of the time it is voluntary. Judges are very reluctant to forcibly terminate rights. I had over 30 foster siblings. Not a single one was ever adopted and most were not reunited with relatives. Nearly all aged out of the system between age 18-21. The sibling group I fostered returned to their birth father.

Reading the original post it sounds more like she is looking into keeping newborns placed for adoption just until termination hearing takes place. If this is correct, these babies should be adopted or returned very quickly, but not available for adoption by anyone other than the preselected family. To me this seems a very happy type of placement. It would be a very wonderful situation to be involved in.

 

[jschutzm]

That is my biggest worry. Bringing in a baby to care for would be the easy part, letting go worries me! I also worry about my younger children and how they would respond when the day came to say good bye to the baby. I’d take another baby in the house in a heart beat, I’m just not sure about the toll on my kids (the youngest few are 4, 6, 8 and 10) when we let them go.

And please don’t applaud me yet, I’m just at the thinking about it stage. We’d have a few steps to do before being accepted as foster parents. I’m not even sure if the state would allow us since we already have the larger than average household

Foster Parent - 3.5 yrs. 13 children helped.

As a foster parent… let me say this…

Every foster parent I have talked to (and in our county we are a close knit group) will tell ya the same thing:
“It is hard, but WELL worth it! The love you receive, out weighs any of the pain or loss.”
2nd: “You will be surprised what fostering will teach your OWN children… and enable them to love others more deeply.”

I hear this TIME and time again from foster parents who have their own kids.
They worry that their own kids will feel left out, marginalized, etc. – But the exact OPPOSITE happens. Your bio-kids will see the love and Christian values you are exhibiting and respond in like.

I know of 2nd generation foster parents – Kids of foster parents who themselves become foster parents because of the example of their parents.

Don’t get me wrong, We mourn it when they leave, but as fast as we can break our hearts… the Holy Spirit rebuilds and strengthens us, makes us want to do it ALL over again… and again… and again.
If you open your hearts to the most needy and fragile of your community (children) God will respond with abundant grace.

My wife and I see fostering as our missionary work in our own community. As 1 of the reasons God put us on this planet. - It is our mission.
We were not able to have children of our own, so this is our way of saying “yes” to life.
We foster 5-10 year olds and occasionally take teens.
We have gone from ministering to just the kids in our house… to ministering to their parents. Their parents are in need of mentors, examples, and help, as well. If you embrace the bio-parent, you have a chance of breaking the cycle and keeping the child OUT of the foster system.
We do our best to keep in touch with our kids after they are reunited. We skype with them if we can. We try to transition from a foster parent role to an “Aunt and Uncle” role and stay in touch with the kids, through their parents.

 

[bitterhope]

Foster Parent - 3.5 yrs. 13 children helped.

As a foster parent… let me say this…

Every foster parent I have talked to (and in our county we are a close knit group) will tell ya the same thing:
“It is hard, but WELL worth it! The love you receive, out weighs any of the pain or loss.”
2nd: “You will be surprised what fostering will teach your OWN children… and enable them to love others more deeply.”

I hear this TIME and time again from foster parents who have their own kids.
They worry that their own kids will feel left out, marginalized, etc. – But the exact OPPOSITE happens. Your bio-kids will see the love and Christian values you are exhibiting and respond in like.

I know of 2nd generation foster parents – Kids of foster parents who themselves become foster parents because of the example of their parents.

Don’t get me wrong, We mourn it when they leave, but as fast as we can break our hearts… the Holy Spirit rebuilds and strengthens us, makes us want to do it ALL over again… and again… and again.
If you open your hearts to the most needy and fragile of your community (children) God will respond with abundant grace.

My wife and I see fostering as our missionary work in our own community. As 1 of the reasons God put us on this planet. - It is our mission.
We were not able to have children of our own, so this is our way of saying “yes” to life.
We foster 5-10 year olds and occasionally take teens.
We have gone from ministering to just the kids in our house… to ministering to their parents. Their parents are in need of mentors, examples, and help, as well. If you embrace the bio-parent, you have a chance of breaking the cycle and keeping the child OUT of the foster system.
We do our best to keep in touch with our kids after they are reunited. We skype with them if we can. We try to transition from a foster parent role to an “Aunt and Uncle” role and stay in touch with the kids, through their parents.

Very wonderful! Thank you for loving these kids and their families.

There are so many different types of foster situations that it is really difficult to give a clear picture of what another person’s experience will be with the foster care system. I only did emergency placement. The rules are different than for some other types of foster homes. Approval for becoming a foster home is different than for adoptive homes. Many foster parents (like my parents) could never gain approval to adopt but were foster parents for over two decades and took in countless kids. Each home will be approved for a different number of children at any one time so even though some can gain approval for multiple children at once, others will have a maximum of one or two children. Some can take both genders while others will only be allowed a single gender (or at least a single gender at a time). Different states have different regulations, and different agencies do as well. Family size normally doesn’t matter for state care homes nearly as much as space per person matters but that may change for private agencies. Therapeutic homes have different criteria to meet but there is a huge call for them locally. Our current state has changed state regulations recently and many residential programs are being replaced by therapeutic foster homes instead.

I can’t recommend fostering enough, both from a parent respective and a “sibling” perspective. Actually as a sibling I recommend it even more. I’m so glad my parents gave us the gift of more people to love and bond with. It definetly improved my life

 

[MomaMary8]

Thank you everyone!!

It is wonderful to hear the beauty of fostering from those who have experienced it. I’d love to teach my children a love that learns to let go. A love that serves. A love that loves a soul. That is what I am seeing through your posts, and I had not thought of that aspect before. I had simply saw the need and thought we could help. YOu have given me a new glimpse of beauty.

My worry was for my kids being crushed when the baby had to leave, but I see how we can do this in a loving manner. Thank you. I do not intend to adopt. I’d take any baby someone gave me, but I don’t believe I am called to do that. I would feel selfish when there are so many who want children already. I can open my home to an infant in need. It would be through Catholic Charitites, and before an adoption. It can take quite some time in our states for babies to be adopted, so foster parents are in great need here for that time when they are “between” families.

I’ll be talking to my DH and calling Catholic Charities and hoping my spiritual director doesn’t think I’m crazy!!!

 

[Catholic_Mama_6]

I am a biological, foster and adoptive parent. I also work in child welfare. You are welcome to ask questions or private message me

 

[Catholic_Mama_6]

We have six children and have adopted our two youngest from foster care. I am a biological, foster and adoptive mama.