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Neophyte_Rose
Guest
I am a neophyte Catholic; I converted from Pagan Unitarian Universalism and Wicca.
October 31 is known to pagans as Samhain (sow-en)… it is the pagan new year, a time of great rejoicing and celebration. It is the time when the veils between the worlds is claimed to be the thinnest - a time when ethereal and physical realms can interact, and the souls moved on from physical life can be called back to reincarnate… it is the best night of the pagan year, filled with fun, mystery, magick (in the pagan, real sense, hence the ‘k’), ritual.
Last year was my first year not celebrating Samhain, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do - or, I guess, not do. I am not even certain that what I did counts as “succeeding”, as while I refrained from attending anything public, I did make a private offering on my own as an individual (candles, incense, prayers)… I mean, it was a quiet evening but I suppose in its own way, still pagan in flavour…
This year, every night for the past few months has been punctuated with early am awakenings. In the Rite for Acceptance, I publicly denounced the pagan gods - and in particular, my personal pagan goddess Brigid.
In the early mornings, I am awake and plagued by … difficulties… false guilt, a feeling that I betrayed her by doing this. I can almost hear her calling me back, and I can sense her anger at my continued absence from worship of her.
I thus far have persisted in clinging to Christ, to the exclusion of all the pagan gods. I deny the divinity of these false gods, but it’s quite honestly hurting me so much to do so.
I woke up the other night, hearing a knocking sound. All I could think was, “Satan’s knocking…” on the door to my soul… I was so terrified, I couldn’t calm myself down again enough to sleep.
This is horrible, I know, but I’ve been falling asleep in Adoration and in the Church when it’s open and I can get in… it is the only place where I really feel safe enough to do so, and where I feel really at peace with my rejection of pagan gods - because I am kneeling, at Church, before the One for whom I deny the others.
I have begun blessing the place where I am supposed to sleep with holy water before bed each night, and this is helping a little bit though I am still troubled when I fall asleep and when I wake up.
I am a little concerned as to how All Saints Eve is going to turn out for me, though. I have permission to remain in the Church, as long as I keep it locked and leave it locked if I choose to leave at any point in the night. I am not sure if this will be the best option, so that I will feel safe, or if I should make every effort to be around other people (Catholic people) whose presence would dissuade me from beginning any rituals.
Sometimes I just… I wonder why… why do I choose this spiritual agony, this struggle, when I could choose different? I mean, I thought things would get better and though sometimes they seem to, overall it’s just staying the same.
I recieved a special blessing from a priest today, and I am hoping that this will suffice as a spiritual protection or guard - that God will be with me wherever I am and assist me in sensing that He is there - over the next three days.
This is maybe more of a prayer-request than a question… but it is also sort of a very vague, please-affirm-my-faith or help me to deny my previous “faith” type of question. I mean, I’m not just a crazy person who’s going religion-hopping, am I?
Esther Rose
October 31 is known to pagans as Samhain (sow-en)… it is the pagan new year, a time of great rejoicing and celebration. It is the time when the veils between the worlds is claimed to be the thinnest - a time when ethereal and physical realms can interact, and the souls moved on from physical life can be called back to reincarnate… it is the best night of the pagan year, filled with fun, mystery, magick (in the pagan, real sense, hence the ‘k’), ritual.
Last year was my first year not celebrating Samhain, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do - or, I guess, not do. I am not even certain that what I did counts as “succeeding”, as while I refrained from attending anything public, I did make a private offering on my own as an individual (candles, incense, prayers)… I mean, it was a quiet evening but I suppose in its own way, still pagan in flavour…
This year, every night for the past few months has been punctuated with early am awakenings. In the Rite for Acceptance, I publicly denounced the pagan gods - and in particular, my personal pagan goddess Brigid.
In the early mornings, I am awake and plagued by … difficulties… false guilt, a feeling that I betrayed her by doing this. I can almost hear her calling me back, and I can sense her anger at my continued absence from worship of her.
I thus far have persisted in clinging to Christ, to the exclusion of all the pagan gods. I deny the divinity of these false gods, but it’s quite honestly hurting me so much to do so.
I woke up the other night, hearing a knocking sound. All I could think was, “Satan’s knocking…” on the door to my soul… I was so terrified, I couldn’t calm myself down again enough to sleep.
This is horrible, I know, but I’ve been falling asleep in Adoration and in the Church when it’s open and I can get in… it is the only place where I really feel safe enough to do so, and where I feel really at peace with my rejection of pagan gods - because I am kneeling, at Church, before the One for whom I deny the others.
I have begun blessing the place where I am supposed to sleep with holy water before bed each night, and this is helping a little bit though I am still troubled when I fall asleep and when I wake up.
I am a little concerned as to how All Saints Eve is going to turn out for me, though. I have permission to remain in the Church, as long as I keep it locked and leave it locked if I choose to leave at any point in the night. I am not sure if this will be the best option, so that I will feel safe, or if I should make every effort to be around other people (Catholic people) whose presence would dissuade me from beginning any rituals.
Sometimes I just… I wonder why… why do I choose this spiritual agony, this struggle, when I could choose different? I mean, I thought things would get better and though sometimes they seem to, overall it’s just staying the same.
I recieved a special blessing from a priest today, and I am hoping that this will suffice as a spiritual protection or guard - that God will be with me wherever I am and assist me in sensing that He is there - over the next three days.
This is maybe more of a prayer-request than a question… but it is also sort of a very vague, please-affirm-my-faith or help me to deny my previous “faith” type of question. I mean, I’m not just a crazy person who’s going religion-hopping, am I?
Esther Rose