Fraternal correction through a letter

[mls2593]

Hello,

I wanted to get your thoughts on offering correction in charity to someone in the form of a letter versus a face-to-face conversation.

In this situation it would be to my older brother who lives out of state. We talk every week or two on the phone but about surface topics rather than matters of faith. Our conversations will be about work and school but never anything too deep, and for the most part that is the way it has always been.

He and my sister-in-law were married in a civil ceremony last summer, both being Catholic. They will go to church without a problem when asked for holidays or with the family but don’t go on a regular basis or belong to a parish in the city where they are currently living. They looked into getting married in the church but other desires for the ceremony came first for them and they chose otherwise.

I did not know and fully understand the church’s requirements for a valid marriage before the ceremony took place and was part of the wedding party.
However, I looked into the matter and learned about it further. About a month or two after they had their ceremony I did speak very briefly on the phone to my brother about the ability to get your marriage blessed if you had a civil ceremony previously.
I didn’t go into detail about how to do it, but explained quite briefly.
He said, “We’ll sign up!” and that’s the last we’ve talked about it.

That was a bit less than a year ago. They still don’t belong to a parish. I want to write him a letter with more information on how to go about the convalidation and how important I believe putting that relationship with God first in marriage is, but making sure to word it as an invitation rather than forcing it upon him. I would want to do this out of complete love and charity for he and my sister-in-law.

He has always been very supportive and encouraging of me and I want to be there for him as well. I will make sure to show this in the letter.

With all of that said my question is, do you think that in general it is okay to practice fraternal correction in the form of a letter rather than address the issue face-to-face? I think that I will be able to say it much more effectively, and then he can read it at the right time and have time to think about it. I believe it would be okay in the sense that however we can most effectively and lovingly say what we need to is probably how we should go about it. What I wonder though is if writing a letter would in a sense be taking the easy way out.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think you’ve stated your feelings about your brother’s marriage already and now it is time to step out of it.

 

[Catholic1954]

It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law are fully aware of what they need to do to bring their marriage into the Church, but have chosen (for whatever the reason) not to do it. All you can really do for them at this point is to live your life as the best Catholic example you can and pray for them, every day.

 

[mls2593]

I think you’ve stated your feelings about your brother’s marriage already and now it is time to step out of it.

It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law are fully aware of what they need to do to bring their marriage into the Church, but have chosen (for whatever the reason) not to do it. All you can really do for them at this point is to live your life as the best Catholic example you can and pray for them, every day.

Okay. With those things said, I’ll take the background information a step further. My brother was my Confirmation sponsor. He wrote me a letter before my Confirmation and told me that I could come to him with anything-religious matters or not- and we would figure it out together. I feel like this would be a response to that invitation. Although I’m not married, I have learned a lot about relationships though my own and about the importance of putting God first in them. Since we usually don’t get extremely in depth with our conversations he doesn’t know this. He doesn’t know that what I learned from those relationships is what triggered me to want to take my faith seriously. I thought I could offer my perspective in that for him, as an opportunity to bring this up again but also let him know where I’m coming from with addressing this.

 

[shainski]

Okay. With those things said, I’ll take the background information a step further. My brother was my Confirmation sponsor. He wrote me a letter before my Confirmation and told me that I could come to him with anything-religious matters or not- and we would figure it out together. I feel like this would be a response to that invitation. Although I’m not married, I have learned a lot about relationships though my own and about the importance of putting God first in them. Since we usually don’t get extremely in depth with our conversations he doesn’t know this. He doesn’t know that what I learned from those relationships is what triggered me to want to take my faith seriously. I thought I could offer my perspective in that for him, as an opportunity to bring this up again but also let him know where I’m coming from with addressing this.

Well, that sounds like a great starting point. Making a copy of the letter he gave to you - telling him how much it meant to you - how it transformed your life.

And then end your letter:

“I have grown a lot - largely due to you. And I would like a chance to be there as much for you as you are for me. So, I would like to take you up on your offer for a conversation. When you are ready to talk, please call me.”

When he does call, you can bring up that it confuses you and concerns you that he had not taken the step to have his marriage recognized in the church - and that it would mean a lot to you if he would take that step.

If you proceed that way, I don’t think you will take him off-guard. I don’t think that he will take it as an accusation. If he resists - or ignores you - then i would let it go. He will know where you are coming from - and you will have much greater influence if you remain important in his life.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Only you can decide if you feel the letter would be appreciated or well received. Personally I would probably not write it based on the fact that it seems they are aware of the process or at least aware enough to get more information should they desire to convalidate. A better option is to pray for them often. Sometimes our best intentions can alienate our loved ones and close them to our example. I will pray for your family.

 

[WaitingForJesus]

Okay. With those things said, I’ll take the background information a step further. My brother was my Confirmation sponsor. He wrote me a letter before my Confirmation and told me that I could come to him with anything-religious matters or not- and we would figure it out together. I feel like this would be a response to that invitation. Although I’m not married, I have learned a lot about relationships though my own and about the importance of putting God first in them. Since we usually don’t get extremely in depth with our conversations he doesn’t know this. He doesn’t know that what I learned from those relationships is what triggered me to want to take my faith seriously. I thought I could offer my perspective in that for him, as an opportunity to bring this up again but also let him know where I’m coming from with addressing this.

I think it would be fine to explain to him your experience with relationships and putting God first and how you are praying for him to receive God’s blessings within his own marriage. Perhaps provide a little information on what he needs to do if you feel he doesn’t already have that information. Be sure to tell him how much you love him, etc. and always will…to thank him for all he has done in your life to bring you closer to God, etc… You just need to be careful to not come across as being judgmental or upset about this…perhaps you can ask someone else to look at it and make sure it comes across in a spirit of love.

And, if he does not respond, then it would not be good ot harp on it in the future. Just continue to pray that God will help him to turn things around.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I agree with the first two responders that you’ve already made this point and it’s time to take a step back and pray for them.

 

[MaryT777]

You’ve received great responses Also remember that a letter and its intent without verbal communication and facial expressions etc can be misunderstood. I know a few persons with letters they got out over and over again only to become more upset at the writer until they closed the relationship entirely.

Just a thought; a letter lives on forever as long as its kept.

I would pray for them and step out as well.
Peace in Christ,
Mary.

 

[BettyBoop416]

With all of that said my question is, do you think that in general it is okay to practice fraternal correction in the form of a letter rather than address the issue face-to-face?

Since I don’t know you, your brother, or your personalities, I don’t feel qualified to give advice concerning your particular situation. However, to address your question about “fraternal correction” in general, it is my opinion that face-to-face is the way to go. My reasoning is this: Many people (not saying you personally) are awfully quick to offer criticism and call it “fraternal correction” when it’s really just sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. I think that if you’re going to point out someone else’s faults, you should do it in person so that you can face the consequences and receive their assessment of your faults too. Or be told to mind your own business. Or receive a well-deserved punch in the nose. In other words, doing it in person will go a long way toward keeping you honest about your true motives.