Freaking Out (relationship issues)

[Anxious25]

Ok, so I am freaking out I have been dating this girl for awhile and I really think shes great. However, I have always had trouble dealing with anxiety. There are little things that shouldnt bother me but just do and I cannot tell the difference between what is normal, what is a result of my anxiety, and what is a red flag. I feel as if she would make a great wife and mother but I always worry about whether or not “shes the one” I have always romanticized relationships and marriage in my head and I realize that as well so I believe that is causing some of the issues. Any advice? I honestly feel as if I would be freaking out like this no matter who the girl was but I cannot tell if its just a sign that I shouldnt be with her. Weve been together for a little over a year now.

 

[Anxious25]

I guess I will always be worried that there is someone else out there that will be a better fit and that due to this anxiety I wont be able to be as good as a father or husband as I should either.

 

[heidi_storage]

There is no magic “the one” out there for you. If you marry this girl, she is “the one” for you.

That said, it sounds like you need to work through your anxiety and get to know more things about yourself. A good, objective listener can be a real help; do you do any therapy? If not, consider it. You shouldn’t plunge into marriage without a commitment to make it work, and a huge part of that is knowing yourself and how to manage yourself.

 

[MaryT777]

There is no magic “the one” out there for you. If you marry this girl, she is “the one” for you.

That said, it sounds like you need to work through your anxiety and get to know more things about yourself. A good, objective listener can be a real help; do you do any therapy? If not, consider it. You shouldn’t plunge into marriage without a commitment to make it work, and a huge part of that is knowing yourself and how to manage yourself.

This is well said and I agree. A big step for you would be to get treatment for your anxiety.
That will help you discern issues better as well.
God bless,
Mary.

 

[ClearWater]

There is no magic “the one” out there for you. If you marry this girl, she is “the one” for you.

That said, it sounds like you need to work through your anxiety and get to know more things about yourself. A good, objective listener can be a real help; do you do any therapy? If not, consider it. You shouldn’t plunge into marriage without a commitment to make it work, and a huge part of that is knowing yourself and how to manage yourself.

Yes. Counseling is good.

Also, Precana marriage preparation has books on marriage. Personally, I think some of those would be good to read not only if planning to get married but also for selecting a marriage partner. I think those books would be good to read even before dating!

Your Church might even just give you one of these books if you ask on how to select, or determine of this one is the one for you.

 

[fencersmother]

I wonder if she this young lady might be “freaking out” because of YOUR anxiety!

Maybe you shouldn’t be thinking marriage just now. Clear up your own troubles before you visit them on someone else, permanently.

Don’t really mean to sound harsh - but in this case it is better to think of the OTHER person first by taking care of those issues which can ruin someone else’s life, later.

 

[Catholic1954]

Ok, so I am freaking out I have been dating this girl for awhile and I really think shes great. However, I have always had trouble dealing with anxiety. There are little things that shouldnt bother me but just do and I cannot tell the difference between what is normal, what is a result of my anxiety, and what is a red flag. I feel as if she would make a great wife and mother but I always worry about whether or not “shes the one” I have always romanticized relationships and marriage in my head and I realize that as well so I believe that is causing some of the issues. Any advice? I honestly feel as if I would be freaking out like this no matter who the girl was but I cannot tell if its just a sign that I shouldnt be with her. Weve been together for a little over a year now.

If you don’t know by now if this girl is The One for you, then she probably isn’t. You should think about moving on and giving her a chance to find someone else, while you keep looking. It sounds like you could use some more dating experience before you decide on who is right for marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

Some people can look back and say, “I always knew he/she was the one,” but in my experience this is not usually the case. People wonder, and they worry a lot. You worry about investments depending on how much you are investing and how liquid the asset will be after you invest it, right? Well, you’re thinking about giving your everything to someone for as long as you both live. That is a big deal, and it causes anxiety in many people.

I guess I’d suggest that you start thinking about this in terms of what are really red flags, rather than non-specific worry.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Ok, so I am freaking out I have been dating this girl for awhile and I really think shes great. However, I have always had trouble dealing with anxiety. There are little things that shouldnt bother me but just do and I cannot tell the difference between what is normal, what is a result of my anxiety, and what is a red flag. I feel as if she would make a great wife and mother but I always worry about whether or not “shes the one” I have always romanticized relationships and marriage in my head and I realize that as well so I believe that is causing some of the issues. Any advice? I honestly feel as if I would be freaking out like this no matter who the girl was but I cannot tell if its just a sign that I shouldnt be with her. Weve been together for a little over a year now.

Overall, this post screams anxiety to me. You haven’t said anything to suggest you are not in a good relationship.

I can help you to some extent because I know exactly what you are talking about. But I think you’d best be served talking to a counselor, because he/she can help keep grounded in reality just so you don’t throw away a good relationship. More generally, a counselor will better able help you to manage your anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with the relationship and your life. :yup:

It’s important for you to separate out reality from what is more fantasy. No one is perfect, for starters. This is called rational thinking, and it’s important to be able to see and recognize what is in front of you.

It’s important because if you followed every doubt around, you’ll eventually end up chasing women up and down the street and you’ll just be running in place chasing phantoms of your imagination.

I think if you’ve got a great girl you need to stick with her and realize a lot of this nonsense is just in your head.

As far as finding the one, well, that happens more naturally. So don’t force the issue by giving up something good. :nope:

So what I would do is find someone to help you manage your condition and go from there. :yup:

 

[chaplainmom]

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years. I too am a very anxious person because I tend to “over-think” things. Who you marry is often the biggest decision in your life and you are wise to be anxious. At 18 years old I left for college and my mother told me, “Look very closely for a man’s faults and make sure you can live with his faults before dating him. Then after you’re married, do your best to focus on all his good-points.”

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years. I too am a very anxious person because I tend to “over-think” things. Who you marry is often the biggest decision in your life and you are wise to be anxious. At 18 years old I left for college and my mother told me, “Look very closely for a man’s faults and make sure you can live with his faults before dating him. Then after you’re married, do your best to focus on all his good-points.”

You have to understand when posting replies on here that a lot of users who talk about anxiety and scrupulosity are WELL outside what is normal.

The original poster is not talking about natural butterflies that come with a relationship, :nope: he’s talking about being so anxious to the point that its blinding.

I realize you probably mean well, but what this individual is going through is not healthy, and he needs to realize that. Believe me, someone who is over-anxious is not going to be able to hide that from any romantic partner and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. :yup:

 

[EasterJoy]

You have to understand when posting replies on here that a lot of users who talk about anxiety and scrupulosity are WELL outside what is normal.

The original poster is not talking about natural butterflies that come with a relationship, :nope: he’s talking about being so anxious to the point that its blinding.

I realize you probably mean well, but what this individual is going through is not healthy, and he needs to realize that. Believe me, someone who is over-anxious is not going to be able to hide that from any romantic partner and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. :yup:

I think the original poster would do well to ask his friends whether his anxiety is far beyond any of the other “worriers” they know. What he describes could be the self-description of someone within a standard deviation or two of average, or it could be far enough outside as to be a serious handicap. We can’t tell. That isn’t to say that therapy wouldn’t help him, but that Chaplainmom may indeed be very much like him. Worriers often do learn how to calm it down, as they go through life. If his girlfriend tends to make an anxiety-producing situation worse, that is something to think about.

I would suggest to the OP that he consider whether his girlfriend helps him to be more or less anxious in how she helps him or doesn’t help him deal with his worries. A suitable spouse complements and ultimately helps us with our faults and failings, even if they find them frustrating from time to time.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Ok, so I am freaking out I have been dating this girl for awhile and I really think shes great. However, I have always had trouble dealing with anxiety. There are little things that shouldnt bother me but just do and I cannot tell the difference between what is normal, what is a result of my anxiety, and what is a red flag. I feel as if she would make a great wife and mother but I always worry about whether or not “shes the one” I have always romanticized relationships and marriage in my head and I realize that as well so I believe that is causing some of the issues. Any advice? I honestly feel as if I would be freaking out like this no matter who the girl was but I cannot tell if its just a sign that I shouldnt be with her. Weve been together for a little over a year now.

This may sound harsh but you seem to have judged if she would be a great wife of mother yet you seem to be the one that might have the issues. As another poster said perhaps she should be the one freaking out. If my daughter was dating a man who posted this I would be having a long hard talk with her about who she was about to marry and go through the stress of life with kids with.

 

[SuperLuigi]

=Hoosier Daddy;12299476]This may sound harsh but you seem to have judged if she would be a great wife of mother yet you seem to be the one that might have the issues. As another poster said perhaps she should be the one freaking out.

She might if she were told about it, but that doesn’t mean she would understand it properly.

If my daughter was dating a man who posted this I would be having a long hard talk with her about who she was about to marry and go through the stress of life with kids with.

Now it just sounds like you’re venting.

Also, I’d be careful with that line of thinking if I were you. You may get the exact opposite of what you want.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I would suggest to the OP that he consider whether his girlfriend helps him to be more or less anxious in how she helps him or doesn’t help him deal with his worries. A suitable spouse complements and ultimately helps us with our faults and failings, even if they find them frustrating from time to time.

I’m not so sure that’s the best idea because it could put the relationship at risk if she doesn’t understand it or even notices it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

She might if she were told about it, but that doesn’t mean she would understand it properly.



Now it just sounds like you’re venting.

As opposed to what? A guy who hides his issues that are under both her and your radar? Or some guy who seems normal and civil when he’s around you but a jerk to your daughter when you look the other way?

Those are the things you should be more concerned with, not someone who is struggling with annoying inner demons that can be calmed and treated with proper help.

Also, I’d be careful with that line of thinking if I were you. You may get the exact opposite of what you want.

If my daughter was thinking about marriage with a man like the OP who admittedly has anxiety issues, I would definitely question the relationship. I would hope any father would.

 

[SuperLuigi]

If my daughter was thinking about marriage with a man like the OP who admittedly has anxiety issues, I would definitely question the relationship. I would hope any father would.

I would hope any father would be more open-minded about such a relationship and try to understand things better.

As I said earlier, if you’re going to interfere in your daughter’s life over something like this, which I think it rather trivial since it’s probably all in his head, then be prepared for her to defend the relationship and the guy she’s with—even at your expense.

Besides, what message do you want to send to her? Run when the going gets tough even if she’s with a pretty decent guy who’s willing to get help?

I know I wouldn’t send that message to any Catholic woman in my family, because good, Catholic men are hard to come by these days for one and two, we all have our crosses to bear, even those who date our family members.

It’s one thing if the guy doesn’t want to get help, but if he’s trying, that says something about character. :yup:

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I would hope any father would be more open-minded about such a relationship and try to understand things better.

As I said earlier, if you’re going to interfere in your daughter’s life over something like this, which I think it rather trivial since it’s probably all in his head, then be prepared for her to defend the relationship and the guy she’s with—even at your expense.

Besides, what message do you want to send to her? Run when the going gets tough even if she’s with a pretty decent guy who’s willing to get help?

I know I wouldn’t send that message to any Catholic woman in my family, because good, Catholic men are hard to come by these days for one and two, we all have our crosses to bear, even those who date our family members.

It’s one thing if the guy doesn’t want to get help, but if he’s trying, that says something about character. :yup:

I have no idea what you are saying here. sorry.

 

[EasterJoy]

If my daughter was thinking about marriage with a man like the OP who admittedly has anxiety issues, I would definitely question the relationship. I would hope any father would.

I don’t know. I think if a young woman had written what the OP had written, that young lady would be cut more slack than this. I certainly know many women who could have written that post before marriage.

Well, guys worry, too. The truth is, the guys I know worry more than the young ladies do. They just don’t talk about it to many people.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Ok, so I am freaking out I have been dating this girl for awhile and I really think shes great. However, I have always had trouble dealing with anxiety. There are little things that shouldnt bother me but just do and I cannot tell the difference between what is normal, what is a result of my anxiety, and what is a red flag. I feel as if she would make a great wife and mother but I always worry about whether or not “shes the one” I have always romanticized relationships and marriage in my head and I realize that as well so I believe that is causing some of the issues. Any advice? I honestly feel as if I would be freaking out like this no matter who the girl was but I cannot tell if its just a sign that I shouldnt be with her. Weve been together for a little over a year now.

I may have read this wrong but I am under the impression the OP has a mental illness and cannot distinguish between what is the mental illness and what is a red flag with his GF. My point is the red flag may very well be him and his inability to distinguish this. And since the OP admits this is a problem but gives no indication on what those “red flags might be with the GF” I think it is safe to say that a parent of the GF would be wise to be cautionary with a daughter involved with the OP. I would give the same advice if the gender roles were reversed.