Freaking Out (relationship issues)

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I guess I will always be worried that there is someone else out there that will be a better fit and that due to this anxiety I wont be able to be as good as a father or husband as I should either.

This can be an indicator of controlling behavior.

I see red flags all over this.

Can the OP please clarify.

 

[EasterJoy]

I may have read this wrong but I am under the impression the OP has a mental illness and cannot distinguish between what is the mental illness and what is a red flag with his GF. My point is the red flag may very well be him and his inability to distinguish this. And since the OP admits this is a problem but gives no indication on what those “red flags might be with the GF” I think it is safe to say that a parent of the GF would be wise to be cautionary with a daughter involved with the OP. I would give the same advice if the gender roles were reversed.

A lot of people wonder if there is something wrong with them if they go through a very unpleasant set of emotions. The truth is, it is the people who are most convinced that the problem can’t be them who are most likely to have the problem. A paranoid usually doesn’t stop to consider they are paranoid. No, they KNOW someone is out to get them! Likewise, the worse someone’s dementia is, the less likely they are to wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I remember what everyone else does?” No, the farther gone the person is, the more convinced they are that they haven’t forgotten anything and that their reasoning ability is just fine.

While some teens are stupidly confident and seem impossibly bold in what they are willing to try, the teen years are also the most likely to time in life to wonder, “Am I normal? Does anyone else feel this way? How can I make this choice for my life, when I’ve never made any decision that will really affect me for my whole life!?! How can I promise to support someone for a life time…me?” The same young person can even go through both extremes of outlook by turn, being ready to change the world in one area, but not wanting to make any definitive commitment in another. This is not atypical at all.

I would say it is a red flag if either of these were true: If he found that this young woman made it harder for him to deal with anxieties–say, if being around her made it harder for him to believe he was going to get through some test successfully, rather than that she had a calming effect on him–or, conversely, if he felt so dependent on her that he didn’t think he could do anything without her. Not that he didn’t want to have to go through life without her, but that he didn’t think he could cope with the difficulties of life at all, unless he had her in control of things. Those two extremes would worry me, yes, especially the second one. That is too much to put onto one person. You ought to lean on your loved ones for support, but ultimately you ought to be trusting that God will get you the support you need, and not put your trust in a person as if that person were divine.

 

[EasterJoy]

…a parent of the GF would be wise to be cautionary with a daughter involved with the OP. I would give the same advice if the gender roles were reversed.

OTOH, if there is something more typical than an inexperienced person worrying that they will not be equal to the challenges of marriage, it is a parent seeing red flags waving around the hand-picked marital possibilities that their children bring to them for their opinion. It is totally typical for Mom or Dad to be the last ones–after their child, even–to be convinced that their child has made a good choice. Parent can’t step in and do much, but of course they are going to urge care when their children go to them with advice about choosing spouses. They are not going to urge the child to rush in. There is nothing wrong with that, either. Young people ought to be taught not to take this withholding of approval personally! It is very normal. It is enough that the parent does not butt in and try to exert undue influence about the choice. (THAT is a huge red flag, too!)

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

OTOH, if there is something more typical than an inexperienced person worrying that they will not be equal to the challenges of marriage, it is a parent seeing red flags waving around the hand-picked marital possibilities that their children bring to them for their opinion. It is totally typical for Mom or Dad to be the last ones–after their child, even–to be convinced that their child has made a good choice. Parent can’t step in and do much, but of course they are going to urge care when their children go to them with advice about choosing spouses. They are not going to urge the child to rush in. There is nothing wrong with that, either. Young people ought to be taught not to take this withholding of approval personally! It is very normal. It is enough that the parent does not butt in and try to exert undue influence about the choice. (THAT is a huge red flag, too!)

I totally agree with you. But again I am taking the OP as not having “normal” anxiety issues but rather a mental problem with it. I will wait for clarification from the OP but that is what the post seemed to convey to me.

 

[EasterJoy]

I totally agree with you. But again I am taking the OP as not having “normal” anxiety issues but rather a mental problem with it. I will wait for clarification from the OP but that is what the post seemed to convey to me.

I highly doubt that the OP can answer that question. A person whose anxieties are in the range of the typical can become convinced they are far worse than others, while a person with far worse than typical anxieties can feel certain they are very good at assessing risks.

I think that what we’d agree on is that anyone with anxieties that are affecting their quality of life would do well to get some counselling. If they find they are not unusual, but are only coping a bit worse than usual at very typical worries, that may help them very much in relaxing. Even if they find they have an unusual level of anxieties, though, the best way out is to get help from someone with experience in helping people with anxiety disorders.

This is especially true of college students. Counselling is almost always available to students during the school year on college campuses for free*. It never hurts to see if someone on the staff can be of help. Maybe they can’t, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

*Or perhaps I should say, already paid for a part of tuition and fees. Colleges do not want students to suffer academically because they don’t have the money for needed counselling.

 

[miguel]

I don’t know. I think if a young woman had written what the OP had written, that young lady would be cut more slack than this. I certainly know many women who could have written that post before marriage.

Well, guys worry, too. The truth is, the guys I know worry more than the young ladies do. They just don’t talk about it to many people.

Jesus tells us not to worry. For years, I ignored his advice and worried about everything. I was a huge political junkie and listened to fear-mongering talk radio on my way to work and back for years. I worried that the country would go to hell if the Democrats took over. I was putting all my hopes and dreams in the GOP. Election nights were times of major anxiety for me. At work, there’s always layoff talk. I worried about my job. I worried about my 401K. I worried about retirement and not having enough. I worried about the chaos in my garage left by my family. When our management at work told us we were moving to a different state, I worried about living in a place where I don’t know anyone. I worried about my house losing value while I looked for a new house. I was a complete mess. Why? Because without realizing it, I had little by little let all the good things of the world become idols in my life including my closest relationships. And it all became overwhelming. God wants us to trust him. I wasn’t doing that. I was trusting myself and my plans. And when things didn’t go according to my plans I was a pain in the neck to be around. I don’t worry anymore. God is cleansing me from my idols. I am learning to trust him. Why shouldn’t I? He has the power and is good. It took time for me to really know that he loves me and has blessed me my whole life. And I took most of it for granted. I was entitled to all these blessings even if I didn’t acknowledge them as blessings. He separated me from some unhealthy attachments and I experienced grief and its various stages without realizing it at the time. All this was making me bitter and I felt like I went through some very dark times. But he has brought wonderful brothers and sisters into my life and music seems to sound better. I don’t listen to talk radio anymore. I am much freer these days. And I do have more peace. I now see life as an adventure. God provides and he is very good to me. Thank God I finally realized it before it was too late. He saved me from a very miserable attitude. It was painful but worth it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Jesus tells us not to worry. For years, I ignored his advice and worried about everything. I was a huge political junkie and listened to fear-mongering talk radio on my way to work and back for years. I worried that the country would go to hell if the Democrats took over. I was putting all my hopes and dreams in the GOP. Election nights were times of major anxiety for me. At work, there’s always layoff talk. I worried about my job. I worried about my 401K. I worried about retirement and not having enough. I worried about the chaos in my garage left by my family. When our management at work told us we were moving to a different state, I worried about living in a place where I don’t know anyone. I worried about my house losing value while I looked for a new house. I was a complete mess. Why? Because without realizing it, I had little by little let all the good things of the world become idols in my life including my closest relationships. And it all became overwhelming. God wants us to trust him. I wasn’t doing that. I was trusting myself and my plans. And when things didn’t go according to my plans I was a pain in the neck to be around. I don’t worry anymore. God is cleansing me from my idols. I am learning to trust him. Why shouldn’t I? He has the power and is good. It took time for me to really know that he loves me and has blessed me my whole life. And I took most of it for granted. I was entitled to all these blessings even if I didn’t acknowledge them as blessings. He separated me from some unhealthy attachments and I experienced grief and its various stages without realizing it at the time. All this was making me bitter and I felt like I went through some very dark times. But he has brought wonderful brothers and sisters into my life and music seems to sound better. I don’t listen to talk radio anymore. I am much freer these days. And I do have more peace. I now see life as an adventure. God provides and he is very good to me. Thank God I finally realized it before it was too late. He saved me from a very miserable attitude. It was painful but worth it.

Do not get me wrong. I would not argue with someone who judged a propensity to worry to be a spiritual fault and even an offense against hope. I’m only saying that it is a very common spiritual fault, although one that people usually try to hide.

 

[miguel]

Do not get me wrong. I would not argue with someone who judged a propensity to worry to be a spiritual fault and even an offense against hope. I’m only saying that it is a very common spiritual fault, although one that people usually try to hide.

I wasn’t disagreeing with you. In my case it was a spiritual fault. And the therapy that worked was spiritual. God took me out of my comfort zone to separate me from my excessive worldly attachments and made me learn to trust in his love and goodness. I wouldn’t be surprised if the experience of Purgatory is similar. God Bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wasn’t disagreeing with you. In my case it was a spiritual fault. And the therapy that worked was spiritual. God took me out of my comfort zone to separate me from my excessive worldly attachments and made me learn to trust in his love and goodness. I wouldn’t be surprised if the experience of Purgatory is similar. God Bless.

Yes. I have come to believe that Purgatory takes those who have the will to put themselves aside for the sake of eternal life and actually makes them into people that someone could blissfully spend eternity with. After all, bridging the gap between willingness to be a saint and the actual capacity to unfailingly act like one has to require the Boot Camp to End All Boot Camps!

 

[miguel]

Yes. I have come to believe that Purgatory takes those who have the will to put themselves aside for the sake of eternal life and actually makes them into people that someone could blissfully spend eternity with. After all, bridging the gap between willingness to be a saint and the actual capacity to unfailingly act like one has to require the Boot Camp to End All Boot Camps!

Very true.