Friction with my mom

[LaSainte]

My mom married a Protestant and is now lapsed. She used to be very devout, but now she subscribes to the whole “nobody goes to hell”, “don’t ever judge anyone” form of Protestantism.

I meanwhile, after having been lapsed for years, have come back to the Church in the past few years since my kids have been born.

My mom and I used to get along great, but there has been a lot of friction lately and we have actually had some pretty heated arguments, most revolving around my faith or parenting. For example, my brother is staying at my house with his fiancée for a week before the wedding. I told them that he could sleep in one room and she in another. He was not pleased and has given me a hard time about it, but I stuck to my guns and we are very close so no problem there. I was just relating this to my mom and she said basically that it was no big deal. I said that I have a 3 year old child for whom I want to set an example and that they can wait a week until they are married if they want to stay at my house. She then goes on to call me a hypocrite because I slept with my husband before our wedding. I told her that this was wrong, and that I would only be being a hypocrite if I was sleeping with someone out of wedlock while forbidding my brother from doing so. It is not hypocrisy if one has a change of heart and has certain moral rules that must be followed in their own home. She got mad, raised her voice and said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then I said, “That’s because you don’t have a point.” (Whoops). I then asked if Saint Paul would let people murder Christians in his home after his conversion so as not to be a “hypocrite”.

Well today(she is staying at my house), I was saying that I need to move the car seats from her car to mine, or borrow her car for church tomorrow morning so I can take the kids. She said, “We’ll just watch the kids and you go ahead.” I said ,“We’ll I can leave the baby, but the 3 (almost 4) year old is really learning about mass and how to behave and I want to take him.” She said “oh it’s not like one week matters, just leave him.”, to which I replied that we are trying to be consistent, that he likes going and that I want to take him. Well, she kept arguing with me until I finally just said “He’s going.”

Every time I visit her at her house and my husband is going fishing with my stepdad, I will ask him wht mass he wants to go to so he can work his fishing schedule around it. She ways rolls her eyes and makes some comment about me forcing my husband to go to mass and how he doesn’t really care (which is not true. He does care, even though he might not be as “into it” as I am when there is a conflict such as being out of town).

She also criticizes my parenting, saying I shouldn’t take my kids out to eat if they haven’t had a nap and actually arguing with me about it, or how I don’t take them out enough or she criticizes my shoes or the fact that I’m drinking a soda in front of my kids. You name it.

Anyway, I have really high hopes that she will eventually return to the Church, but I’m afraid I’m not being a very good witness because she pushes my buttons to the point where I get snappish and a little rude because I’m just so SICK of having my every MOVE questioned. I know she is feeling guilt about abandoning her faith because of her husband’s dislike of going to mass, and it doesn’t help that my grandmother is also very disappointed about it.

She has ALWAYS been critical of me, but lately, we can hardly even be around each other without having a tiff because we are both so on edge, which makes me sad because we really do love each other and have been very close in the past, despite our occasional spats.

Any advice?

Thanks!

 

[EasterJoy]

If you are a hypocrite for sleeping with your husband prior to marriage and yet having house rules against premarital cohabitation in your home, then what is she for getting you baptized Catholic and then turning around and criticizing you for trying to live the faith that she promised in front of God and everybody to raise you in?

OK, that doesn’t help.

Try this, “Thank you for your advice, but that’s not what we’re doing.” Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not defend yourself against her implication that you have to convince her of your reasons in order to live your own life. You may occasionally say, “Mother, you’re a baptized Catholic. You had me baptized Catholic. Am I on your back to go to Mass? No. I’m biting my tongue and letting you live your own life. Right now, I’m minding the business of my own family. You may not like it, but I know where my boundaries are, and you’ve crossed them.” Then go back to “Mother…Thank you for your advice…” Probably using the exact same words every time (whatever way you choose to word it) will get it through to her that you listen to (name removed by moderator)ut, but you make your own decisions and you don’t feel any need to defend them to her.

It is not important to stop her criticism, and it probably isn’t possible. Your best bet is to do what you can to not encourage it and to do your best to overlook her unsolicited advice without taking it personally.

It’s no fun, but it’s the cards you have to play. Good luck!!

 

[MSSheBear]

I have my own obnoxious mother. (My father is deceased.) My mother is a life-long Baptist. She is constantly ranting about the Catholic Church. She is constantly criticizing me. Your mother is trying to make you angry. Try not to get into religious discussions with her. My mother was in one of her rants about gay marriage and how awful the Church was about it and I just went to the bathroom without a word. That stopped the conversation. I find it helpful not to tell her about things or discuss how I feel about what is going on at the parish.

I try to ignore her. I figure she has got to change from within before we can discuss matters of faith. I try to catch when she is trying to bait me. So try to ignore your mother when she tries to push your buttons. Don’t get into a theological argument with her.

She is eighty-five and most people see her as a sweet old lady. She isn’t. My sisters can only stand a week with her. So I am the one who gets to deal with her all of the time.

 

[Auntie_A]

Just know that there are few things as volatile as a mother-daughter relationship on the rocks. Pray, be humble, and do everything you can to connect with her and love her.

My mom used to say that guilt makes people do odd and annoying things, things that are often unrelated or not obvious to the initial guilt. Your Mom’s behaviors seem consistent with guilt and they appear to reveal her reason: if she can get you angry and get yours to slack off on Church, she won’t feel so guilty about leaving the Church.

Love her and gently assert yourself as Easter Joy expressed. Let your family, away from her, know firmly your love and concern for your mom. Keep her in your prayers.

Avoid becoming so soured by this experience that you become a grunt and she appears fun to be around. I think the shock of her situation still sticks to you: “Not MY Mom.” Accept the present reality, even if you wish otherwise and see how to build a new relationship with your mother on an honest adult level. This might be challenging if she plays games. You may have to deal with it as one deals with a relative who has dementia. In other words, don’t let her push your buttons. Continue to assert your rights, smile, and correct,then continue. “You wouldn’t be meddling now, are you Mom?” with a big fat grin. Then say something sweet like: “I know you aren’t; you taught me how to stay out of other’s business”…blah blah blah. Totally charm her so she can’t get a nasty idea out there. You must be equipped. Armored. Expect her to be annoying so she doesn’t keep catching you by surprise, bringing up your disappointment.

Be ready. Use light humor. Overcome your anger.

The battle for her soul will best be played out in prayer. The battle for your relationship with her will best be played out in manners, charm, respect, and LOVE. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but perhaps God is teaching you a deeper patience and understanding. Bless everything and everyone around you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My mom married a Protestant and is now lapsed. She used to be very devout, but now she subscribes to the whole “nobody goes to hell”, “don’t ever judge anyone” form of Protestantism.

I meanwhile, after having been lapsed for years, have come back to the Church in the past few years since my kids have been born.

My mom and I used to get along great, but there has been a lot of friction lately and we have actually had some pretty heated arguments, most revolving around my faith or parenting. For example, my brother is staying at my house with his fiancée for a week before the wedding. I told them that he could sleep in one room and she in another. He was not pleased and has given me a hard time about it, but I stuck to my guns and we are very close so no problem there. I was just relating this to my mom and she said basically that it was no big deal. I said that I have a 3 year old child for whom I want to set an example and that they can wait a week until they are married if they want to stay at my house. She then goes on to call me a hypocrite because I slept with my husband before our wedding. I told her that this was wrong, and that I would only be being a hypocrite if I was sleeping with someone out of wedlock while forbidding my brother from doing so. It is not hypocrisy if one has a change of heart and has certain moral rules that must be followed in their own home. She got mad, raised her voice and said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then I said, “That’s because you don’t have a point.” (Whoops). I then asked if Saint Paul would let people murder Christians in his home after his conversion so as not to be a “hypocrite”.

Well today(she is staying at my house), I was saying that I need to move the car seats from her car to mine, or borrow her car for church tomorrow morning so I can take the kids. She said, “We’ll just watch the kids and you go ahead.” I said ,“We’ll I can leave the baby, but the 3 (almost 4) year old is really learning about mass and how to behave and I want to take him.” She said “oh it’s not like one week matters, just leave him.”, to which I replied that we are trying to be consistent, that he likes going and that I want to take him. Well, she kept arguing with me until I finally just said “He’s going.”

Every time I visit her at her house and my husband is going fishing with my stepdad, I will ask him wht mass he wants to go to so he can work his fishing schedule around it. She ways rolls her eyes and makes some comment about me forcing my husband to go to mass and how he doesn’t really care (which is not true. He does care, even though he might not be as “into it” as I am when there is a conflict such as being out of town).

She also criticizes my parenting, saying I shouldn’t take my kids out to eat if they haven’t had a nap and actually arguing with me about it, or how I don’t take them out enough or she criticizes my shoes or the fact that I’m drinking a soda in front of my kids. You name it.

Anyway, I have really high hopes that she will eventually return to the Church, but I’m afraid I’m not being a very good witness because she pushes my buttons to the point where I get snappish and a little rude because I’m just so SICK of having my every MOVE questioned. I know she is feeling guilt about abandoning her faith because of her husband’s dislike of going to mass, and it doesn’t help that my grandmother is also very disappointed about it.

She has ALWAYS been critical of me, but lately, we can hardly even be around each other without having a tiff because we are both so on edge, which makes me sad because we really do love each other and have been very close in the past, despite our occasional spats.

Any advice?

Thanks!

“Mom, we can’t talk about these things without getting into an argument, so let’s agree to leave it alone for now.” (repeat)

“You might be right (about whatever kid issue) but this is what we’ve decided works for our family.” (repeat)

Smile, “Enough, Mom, I said I am not going to get into an argument about it with you.”

It sure would be nice if your husband would at least back you up on the fishing and parenting issues. “Of COURSE I’m not going to miss Mass! I’m surprised you would think that I’d rather fish!” (smiling)

Try not to let her bait you, for that is indeed what she is doing. She’s picking a fight with you. I’m sure you know that, but it’s so easy to let your emotions get control…Treat her like you would a child, take her with humor and patience. If she is truly undermining your parenting that is another matter. In that case, I would limit my time with her and prevent any further contact with the children until she stops. “Mom, you absolutely WILL NOT undermine our parenting of our children. You will not see them until you can get this under control.”

Just look at your mom and see her as a child. And of course, pray for her!

 

[LaSainte]

If you are a hypocrite for sleeping with your husband prior to marriage and yet having house rules against premarital cohabitation in your home, then what is she for getting you baptized Catholic and then turning around and criticizing you for trying to live the faith that she promised in front of God and everybody to raise you in?

OK, that doesn’t help.

Try this, “Thank you for your advice, but that’s not what we’re doing.” Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not defend yourself against her implication that you have to convince her of your reasons in order to live your own life. You may occasionally say, “Mother, you’re a baptized Catholic. You had me baptized Catholic. Am I on your back to go to Mass? No. I’m biting my tongue and letting you live your own life. Right now, I’m minding the business of my own family. You may not like it, but I know where my boundaries are, and you’ve crossed them.” Then go back to “Mother…Thank you for your advice…” Probably using the exact same words every time (whatever way you choose to word it) will get it through to her that you listen to (name removed by moderator)ut, but you make your own decisions and you don’t feel any need to defend them to her.

It is not important to stop her criticism, and it probably isn’t possible. Your best bet is to do what you can to not encourage it and to do your best to overlook her unsolicited advice without taking it personally.

It’s no fun, but it’s the cards you have to play. Good luck!!

Thank you for that first paragraph! It may not be helpful, but it’s sure nice to see we are thinking the exact same thing!

And you’re right, it would be utterly impossible to stop her criticism. She has flat-out told me that she considers it to be a part of her job as a mother. Oh boy…

 

[Xantippe]

“She has flat-out told me that she considers it to be a part of her job as a mother. Oh boy…”

Holy cow! If it’s a matter of conviction like that, maybe you should see if you can get a sit-down with her and her pastor, specifically to deal with all the criticism and nit-picking. She won’t stop 100%, but her pastor can probably persuade her that she should back off, especially since the criticism doesn’t really square with her self-image of being Ms. Open-Minded. Isn’t it really hypocritical to be simultaneously all “don’t judge anybody” and giving her daughter heck over all this minutiae? That contradiction must drive you nuts–it would me.

 

[LaSainte]

I have my own obnoxious mother. (My father is deceased.) My mother is a life-long Baptist. She is constantly ranting about the Catholic Church. She is constantly criticizing me. Your mother is trying to make you angry. Try not to get into religious discussions with her. My mother was in one of her rants about gay marriage and how awful the Church was about it and I just went to the bathroom without a word. That stopped the conversation. I find it helpful not to tell her about things or discuss how I feel about what is going on at the parish.

I try to ignore her. I figure she has got to change from within before we can discuss matters of faith. I try to catch when she is trying to bait me. So try to ignore your mother when she tries to push your buttons. Don’t get into a theological argument with her.

She is eighty-five and most people see her as a sweet old lady. She isn’t. My sisters can only stand a week with her. So I am the one who gets to deal with her all of the time.

My father is deceased too. I almost feel that just practicing my own faith is like a stone in her shoe. She loves Christ and is very passionate about her daith (her new faith), but I think she sees me as being self-righteous or something just because I make an effort to bring my kids to church or go to mass when it might inconvenience other people or when most people wouldn’t bother. I think she thinks I’m trying to stick it to her or something.

 

[LaSainte]

Just know that there are few things as volatile as a mother-daughter relationship on the rocks. Pray, be humble, and do everything you can to connect with her and love her.

My mom used to say that guilt makes people do odd and annoying things, things that are often unrelated or not obvious to the initial guilt. Your Mom’s behaviors seem consistent with guilt and they appear to reveal her reason: if she can get you angry and get yours to slack off on Church, she won’t feel so guilty about leaving the Church.

Love her and gently assert yourself as Easter Joy expressed. Let your family, away from her, know firmly your love and concern for your mom. Keep her in your prayers.

Avoid becoming so soured by this experience that you become a grunt and she appears fun to be around. I think the shock of her situation still sticks to you: “Not MY Mom.” Accept the present reality, even if you wish otherwise and see how to build a new relationship with your mother on an honest adult level. This might be challenging if she plays games. You may have to deal with it as one deals with a relative who has dementia. In other words, don’t let her push your buttons. Continue to assert your rights, smile, and correct,then continue. “You wouldn’t be meddling now, are you Mom?” with a big fat grin. Then say something sweet like: “I know you aren’t; you taught me how to stay out of other’s business”…blah blah blah. Totally charm her so she can’t get a nasty idea out there. You must be equipped. Armored. Expect her to be annoying so she doesn’t keep catching you by surprise, bringing up your disappointment.

Be ready. Use light humor. Overcome your anger.

The battle for her soul will best be played out in prayer. The battle for your relationship with her will best be played out in manners, charm, respect, and LOVE. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but perhaps God is teaching you a deeper patience and understanding. Bless everything and everyone around you.

Yes. I do need to just keep praying for her and do my best not to let her get under my skin. But I mean, come on. Whose mother criticizes them for bringing their kids to church TOO much, while at the same time basically saying I should allow my brother to sleep with his fiancée under my roof? What the heck?

 

[LaSainte]

“Mom, we can’t talk about these things without getting into an argument, so let’s agree to leave it alone for now.” (repeat)

“You might be right (about whatever kid issue) but this is what we’ve decided works for our family.” (repeat)

Smile, “Enough, Mom, I said I am not going to get into an argument about it with you.”

It sure would be nice if your husband would at least back you up on the fishing and parenting issues. “Of COURSE I’m not going to miss Mass! I’m surprised you would think that I’d rather fish!” (smiling)

Try not to let her bait you, for that is indeed what she is doing. She’s picking a fight with you. I’m sure you know that, but it’s so easy to let your emotions get control…Treat her like you would a child, take her with humor and patience. If she is truly undermining your parenting that is another matter. In that case, I would limit my time with her and prevent any further contact with the children until she stops. “Mom, you absolutely WILL NOT undermine our parenting of our children. You will not see them until you can get this under control.”

Just look at your mom and see her as a child. And of course, pray for her!

You’re right. I think she feels that if I end up losing my temper or something, then she is somehow justified because I am some intolerant fanatic. I need to pray for the strength to simply be a loving witness to the will of Christ, so that I don’t accuse myself.

 

[LaSainte]

“She has flat-out told me that she considers it to be a part of her job as a mother. Oh boy…”

Holy cow! If it’s a matter of conviction like that, maybe you should see if you can get a sit-down with her and her pastor, specifically to deal with all the criticism and nit-picking. She won’t stop 100%, but her pastor can probably persuade her that she should back off, especially since the criticism doesn’t really square with her self-image of being Ms. Open-Minded. Isn’t it really hypocritical to be simultaneously all “don’t judge anybody” and giving her daughter heck over all this minutiae? That contradiction must drive you nuts–it would me.

Drives me crazy!!! And it’s not hypocritical of her to abandon her lifelong faith simply because her new husband is not into it? Don’t get me wrong, I love this man. He is only doing what he was raised to do, and she HAS brought him closer to Christ, very much closer. But at the expense of her Catholic upbringing.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

You need to learn to bite your tongue. The arguments are not worth it. Especially have the conversations about when to attend Mass before you get to their house. The local parish probably doesn’t change Mass times so you can go to whichever one has worked the best in the past.

You mother is still Christian so highlight your similarities rather than differences. And lots of her nitpicking may still have happened even if she hadn’t converted. Grandmas often have plenty to say about how their adult children behave and how their grandchildren are raised.

Pray for her and for your step father.

 

[Xantippe]

“Especially have the conversations about when to attend Mass before you get to their house.”

Yep. Settle anything controversial in advance.

 

[MSSheBear]

My father is deceased too. I almost feel that just practicing my own faith is like a stone in her shoe. She loves Christ and is very passionate about her daith (her new faith), but I think she sees me as being self-righteous or something just because I make an effort to bring my kids to church or go to mass when it might inconvenience other people or when most people wouldn’t bother. I think she thinks I’m trying to stick it to her or something.

Um, how was she when you were a child? Did she attend Mass absolutely every Sunday? My mother has an anti-religious streak despite being a (liberal) Baptist. She gets very angry when I state that I need to go to Mass. We actually have a 6:30 a.m. Sunday Mass in my area. So it isn’t likely I would have to “inconvenience” her on an occasional basis. My mother keeps stating that my grandmother who was a Catholic insisted on attending Mass just to annoy her and my father. This was my mother’s mother-in-law. My father and mother would want to take a trip as a family but my grandmother kept insisting on going to Mass ruining the plans. My parents weren’t avid churchgoers and didn’t understand.

 

[LaSainte]

Um, how was she when you were a child? Did she attend Mass absolutely every Sunday? My mother has an anti-religious streak despite being a (liberal) Baptist. She gets very angry when I state that I need to go to Mass. We actually have a 6:30 a.m. Sunday Mass in my area. So it isn’t likely I would have to “inconvenience” her on an occasional basis. My mother keeps stating that my grandmother who was a Catholic insisted on attending Mass just to annoy her and my father. This was my mother’s mother-in-law. My father and mother would want to take a trip as a family but my grandmother kept insisting on going to Mass ruining the plans. My parents weren’t avid churchgoers and didn’t understand.

With my family, we would generally go
To church, but often, if something else came up, that was the first thing to go. I think a lot of families are lime that because they assume that “God will understand”. I’m sure this is true in many circumstances, but I want to instill the idea in my family that on Sunday, church is priority #1 and other things (barring sickness or inability to get there or something unforeseen) take a backseat. I think that way, you build a really strong foundation for your kids later on, and you have less fighting about Mass as they get older because they know they can’t make excuses. Also, I feel like even if they fall away as they get older, which is typical of boys, they will be much more likely to come back later when they have ther own families, because some of their strongest and best memories will be rooted in going to church together. If you let any little thing derail your plans, then first it’s one Sunday, then 2, then 3, etc.

I feel like she has this idea that church is for HER edification, that God doesn’t really NEED our strict attendance and so it’s more of a “how does this church make me FEEL, do I like the music, etc.” rather than primarily an act of worship that we owe to God without fail. I think a lot of Protestants feel this way, and I think that a lot of Catholics fall away because they feel that their emotional needs aren’t being met by the church. I think she thinks I’m being legalistic.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

With my family, we would generally go
To church, but often, if something else came up, that was the first thing to go. I think a lot of families are lime that because they assume that “God will understand”. I’m sure this is true in many circumstances, but I want to instill the idea in my family that on Sunday, church is priority #1 and other things (barring sickness or inability to get there or something unforeseen) take a backseat. I think that way, you build a really strong foundation for your kids later on, and you have less fighting about Mass as they get older because they know they can’t make excuses. Also, I feel like even if they fall away as they get older, which is typical of boys, they will be much more likely to come back later when they have ther own families, because some of their strongest and best memories will be rooted in going to church together. If you let any little thing derail your plans, then first it’s one Sunday, then 2, then 3, etc.

I feel like she has this idea that church is for HER edification, that God doesn’t really NEED our strict attendance and so it’s more of a “how does this church make me FEEL, do I like the music, etc.” rather than primarily an act of worship that we owe to God without fail. I think a lot of Protestants feel this way, and I think that a lot of Catholics fall away because they feel that their emotional needs aren’t being met by the church. I think she thinks I’m being legalistic.

Definitely this is a Protestant outlook. They don’t necessarily have any obligation to their church in the same way that we do. I mean, they do feel a sense of community, to their ONE church family, but it’s not universal in the same way, and they don’t go to church to worship Christ in the same way that we do. It’s very difficult to get this across to lifelong Protestants. How we can’t just up and church-hop because it’s ONE, Holy, Catholic and apostolic Church.

And then of course, the REAL loss for them is the Eucharist.

 

[LaSainte]

Definitely this is a Protestant outlook. They don’t necessarily have any obligation to their church in the same way that we do. I mean, they do feel a sense of community, to their ONE church family, but it’s not universal in the same way, and they don’t go to church to worship Christ in the same way that we do. It’s very difficult to get this across to lifelong Protestants. How we can’t just up and church-hop because it’s ONE, Holy, Catholic and apostolic Church.

And then of course, the REAL loss for them is the Eucharist.

I don’t understand how she can stand not having the Eucharist.

Sadly, I think she really misses it, but she has t been to confession in so long and she has enough respect not to just go to communion, that even on the rare occasion that she does come to Catholic Church she feels left out

I’m hoping God will change her heart someday.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

My father is deceased too. I almost feel that just practicing my own faith is like a stone in her shoe. She loves Christ and is very passionate about her daith (her new faith), but I think she sees me as being self-righteous or something just because I make an effort to bring my kids to church or go to mass when it might inconvenience other people or when most people wouldn’t bother. I think she thinks I’m trying to stick it to her or something.

This sounds like a very plausible explanation. many lapsed Catholics are like that, they can’t stand other people practicing the faith. My mother - while she was lapsed - would sometimes be annoyed by my regular church attendance and would use my new found faith to hurt me when I didn’t do things her way. She resorted to guilt trips and would bring up examples of my behaviour that was not consistent with my faith. And she was the one who was completely lapsed!

Anyway. Stand your ground. Don’t lose your cool and don’t get into arguments. Perhaps you could bring up the fact that she left the church that she promised to raise you in if she really insists on talking about hypocrisy. I think that we need to be kind but sometimes people just need to be reminded of a few facts. Who knows, maybe you standing up for your faith will help her return some day. You just never know.

 

[MSSheBear]

LaSainte: So your mother never took Mass attendance all that seriously. Yes you should be a good example to your children and emphasize the importance of going every Sunday. FYI: when I was an Evangelical I pretty much (until the end) attended church every Sunday. The word around the church was that if you slacked off then it was a sign that “you and the Lord weren’t getting along.”

My mother gets particularly irritated when I insist on attending Mass and tell her I must. The only time it really got to be an issue was when I wasn’t feeling well and various relatives were dropping in and it was during Christmas time. There was more going on at our parish, she wanted me to take her someplace on Sunday and then some relatives were dropping by for dinner. As to my not feeling well, let’s just say I would have trouble sitting through Mass as well as the other activities. This happened twice in December. I was very grateful for the Midnight Mass on Christmas. I was very annoyed my mother didn’t make a connection between me not feeling well and wanting to bow out of some of the activities.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t understand how she can stand not having the Eucharist.

Sadly, I think she really misses it, but she has t been to confession in so long and she has enough respect not to just go to communion, that even on the rare occasion that she does come to Catholic Church she feels left out

I’m hoping God will change her heart someday.

Well, praise God that she doesn’t receive unworthily. Seriously. That’s been a huge concern for me because my husband hasn’t been to confession in 14 years but receives every Sunday. I just have to turn him over to God for mercy.

I’ll put your mom into my prayers.