Friend Getting a Divorce -- Need Help

[buffgbob]

On the Nature of This Thread:
I’ll try to give a good all around picture here. Please bear with me as I am having a hard time figuring out which details are relevant. Also, I am only indirectly involved in this situation even though this thread is somehow all about how I feel.

On the Nature of Our Friendship:
We’ve been friends since early high school. We share some common interest as young men do which include video games and various hobbies. This has allowed the friendship to last the better part of 15 years now. We are both married with children, although our families have only hung out a few times so it is really just a personal relationship that he and I share. Naturally, I care for him a great deal.

On the Nature of the Divorce:
Despite the numerous rationalizations I have heard, I have every reason to believe my friend is responsible for and desiring a divorce. About six months ago he had what amounts to an emotional affair. His wife was hurt and their marriage was on rocky ground. My advice to him was in effect to redouble his efforts toward his marriage. Not that he is under any obligation to follow my advice, but he at least told me that was his intention.
He recently revealed to me that he has been committing adultery of the course of the previous few months and has admitted as much to his wife. She will be filing for divorce shortly.

On the Nature of the Hurt:
For whatever reason, I am anguished over the situation. It is not so much lying to me or not taking my advice. I have been lied to by friends before and it is often good they don’t take my advice. It is the moral disgust I feel toward the situation. I almost feel to continue our friendship would be an affront to the dignity of his wife - giving comfort to the man who is hurting her. And she and I are not close! It is all very confusing and painful for me.

On My Options:
I am not perfect, and I don’t expect my friends to be either. There is a real temptation to ignore the situation and to carry on as usual. I know that any loss can be like a death and I feel this is similar to Denial. I don’t think this is the right action. I feel this is cowardly.
There is part of me that is angry and wants to dissolve this friendship. That would be painful for me because I do care about him, but it is something I would suffer if it is the right thing to do. Is it the right thing? For him? For his family? For my family?
There is a part of me that wants some penance. I want him publicly flogged. After that we can go back to normal.
Part of me wants to say: our relationship now has limits. You cannot come to me for help with your adulterous relationships. I don’t want to know her name or meet her. If you want your private [from me at least] actions not to be subject to judgement then they must remain private [from me at least]. Perhaps that would even be a type of penance.

Any help would be appreciated. As you can plainly see, I am terrible at brainstorming this myself.

 

[Trishie]

Dear buffgbob, I ask God to guide you in deciding whether or not this friendship is pleasing to Him or could have a beneficial outcome;
and whether or not to continue friendship for the sake of past friendship and for to continue enjoyment of sharing games, or whether He wishes you to take a moral stand involving someone who has betrayed his family and your friendship. We cannot help you with this matter of conscience, so may the Holy Spirit guide you. One thing is certain, God requires our prayers for others, as a true form of love.

Heavenly Father please flood Your healing grace and Your holy wisdom upon this man and his betrayed wife and children.
Please also flood Your grace and wisdom upon his conflicted friend and buffgbob’s family.
We ask this in the name of Your beloved Son Jesus.

Mother Mary please pray for buffgbob, his family; and for the family of his friend.

 

[underacloud]

We get to choose our friends. This includes choosing to distance ourselves from people of poor moral fibre, such as your friend. The moral disgust you feel is appropriate and I imagine it would be hard to remain friends even if you choose to. But equally, if he starts to show signs of contrition your feelings may change.

Be patient for now and see how this unfolds. I suspect your friendship will naturally wane from here, but there may still be opportunities for you to be a positive influence for him and his family.

 

[thankulord]

Difficult for you to decide what to do, but you are good at brainstorming! We clearly understand that you are disgusted at the actions of your friend and he wants to lean on you to get moral support for his immoral activities. Certainly there is something special about you that he would want to confide these activities to you even after you advised him to regroup his efforts in favor of his marriage. While he is weaving a tangled web, certainly God has put you in the picture for some reason. Some brainstorming below…

1. Pray for Gods guidance.
2. When you feel peace, you will know you did the right thing.
3. Ask your wife to brainstorm what she would want your friend to do if she was in such a situation as the wife.
4. This mans life is going to become more and more complicated as divorce etc looms.
5. God is certainly challenging you, needs you and is calling you.
6. this friend is going to need you way down the road when he becomes more mature and wants to put his life together.
   5)God bless you, we can’t help but pray & be touched by your real life dilemma

 

[robwar]

you are way over involved with this guy. Even though he may not have “valid” reasons for the divorce, his divorce is none of your business as to the why or why not. You are implying that he had or having some kind of affair which lead to it. If you don’t want to hang out with people like that, then move on from this friendship and don’t worry about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

While there may be little he can do to save his marriage, and has little choice but to live with the destruction he’s caused, you really do not need to sit still and listen to him talk as if he were struck by lightning. There is no reason not to say out loud that a man who will cheat on his wife isn’t someone you’d depend on to tell his friends the truth. He has shown who he puts first, and that is him. Let him know you realize we all need mercy, but that doesn’t mean we should always let each other off the hook entirely. Contrition, real repentance, and a real desire to make amends and renounce the fault behind the sin do have real value for the sinner.

Encourage him to be honest with himself about how this happened and what he did to cause it. Tell him that if he doesn’t change his attitude towards what he did to his wife, he is probably going to wind up in another relationship and is going to go through this all over again. He’s going to continue to hurt those closest to him by this pattern of behavior. It is obviously not enough to “resolve” not to do it again. He needs to dig deeper than that. There is nothing to be gained by beating himself up for things he can’t change, but that doesn’t mean that he should expect this whole nasty business to be a one-time thing or that there is nothing that he can do to make amends for the real pain he has caused his wife and family.

He may cut you off, but if your friends can’t hold your feet to the fire and tell you to get real with yourself, who will?

Maybe you just don’t want to hang around with someone who shows so little regard for someone he ought to treat better than he treats you. Maybe you think that a guy who would do that to his wife is not to be trusted. Fine. Stop finding time for him. That is OK. It is not judgmental to see the writing on the wall, nor to find a previously-pleasurable acquaintance isn’t fun anymore. That isn’t the same as making him wear a scarlet letter.