Friend getting married in trouble

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Hi there,

I have a good friend getting married in a few months. She’s always been a semi-conservative Catholic, and I remember speaking with her 2 years ago about birth control, and she was against it despite her family saying it was okay. Now she is thinking about if she will use it or not, and is thinking that she will (matters were made much worse when she spoke with her priest from back home and he said it wasn’t that big of a deal). She’s been struggling, and is thinking about becoming a more liberal Catholic and not using NFP. She has almost fully decided to go with birth control. I’m not sure what to do because I love her as a friend and want to help her, but don’t know how. All of the Catholics around her (her family and her fiancee’s family) are telling her to go with birth control, except for the local priest she’s been speaking with, who is just saying “contraception is a mortal sin” and she thinks he’s just being demeaning and on a power kick (I know this isn’t the case, but she doesn’t understand). I am so afraid for her and the tone this would set for her married life. I have been praying for her and her fiancee.

Thanks for the advice!
 
Have you asked her what made her change her mind, specifically?
 
All you can do is point her in the right direction. Maybe try to find a good book that explains the Church’s stance and reasoning.

Then leave it be, it must be her choice.

However, nothing wrong with praying that she will come to better understanding.
 
Try to remember that it’s very, very hard to be a “conservative” catholic these days.

Some people have a much more difficult time accepting and obeying the church teachings, in particular on something truly life altering, like birth control.
 
Bluegoat said:
Have you asked her what made her change her mind, specifically?
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It sounds to me like every Catholic she knows, except the OP and her new Priest, are saying it’s ok. (her and her fiance’s family and the Priest she grew up with).

Joe
 
Why doesn’t she want to use NFP? Maybe if she is afraid it is not effective, you can try to show otherwise?

What kind of contraception does she plan to use, if it’s the pill you can point out that it has negative side effects.
 
Does she understand that many forms of birth control are abortifacients? It sounds like she knows what’s right and wrong; she just wants others to conveniently agree with her [wrong] position. NFP is very effective when used properly; but it does take some self-discipline, sacrifice, and prayer at times. Some people are just afraid of that. Pray for her that she chooses the right path.
 
Thanks everybody for the advice.

She knows the side effects and, worse, the possible abortion involved with the pill (which is what she plans to use), but I think she’s trying to justify wanting to use it and is trying to tune out those things. I’ve pointed out the negative things (I used to be on it; God saves and has transformed my heart and of course now I am chaste and would used it anyway, but I try to use experience to help her), but so many others are saying it’s okay. She has a close friend who is married and in med school (and he is in law school) and uses NFP who is speaking to her about its effectiveness and importance, but she’s not moving in that direction. She’s very close to just deciding to go with the pill. I thank God for keeping her from it still, and I feel like now is the last chance to stop her from making a mistake, but that if I just say the same things others are saying to her she will turn from me and the teaching and tune it out too. I sort of quietly mentioned the possible abortificant consequence, and she very quickly said “yeah, I’ve heard that” and moved on. I think that’s weighs on her and so she tries to not think about it.

Her and her fiancee are wanting to go to law school in two years, and don’t want to have children until after that. She’s doesn’t want to constantly “worry” about being pregnant, and is afraid that sometimes she would not stick to the schedule because part of her wants to have children.

She says she’s afraid of doing pre Cana at the local parish because it’s very conservative and she’s afraid that it will turn her fiancee away from the Church (he’s not as solid in the Church).

She is such a good friend and a good woman and loves Christ, and I know that she knows better.

Blessed Mother, please pray for her, and St. Joseph, please pray that her fiancee will stand strong in the matter and support NFP.

Thanks everybody.
 
It sounds like she is having a hard time. Our culture is very controlling about having children, and seeing them essentially as a burden, and many Catholics and even priests absorbe that, without intending to. And partly because there are, at the moment, real economic disadvantages to children. So your friend is vulnerable, not least because she doesn’t want a conflict with her fiance, and the Church is not stepping up to help her.

Honestly, I think the Catholic church has rather fallen down in it’s teaching, even when it talks about NFP. Some of what I’ve observed in Orthodox churches has rather made me come to this conclusion. All married people have periods of abstention, because they fast/abstain almost half the year and that includes sex. So you don’t get this idea that if you are married, there is a “right” to have sex, which many Catholics have. They are also more likely to suggest a couble that has finished having children simply be celibate.

And I would ask, if I were the priest, if they are planning to put of kids for so long - at least six years by the sound of it - why get married now at all?

But, that is not you job, really. And it is too bad that she is getting such bad advice from the priest, and that isn’t her fault. I would perhaps try at least to get her away from the Pill, and leave it at that, if it comes up again. But prayer might be your only real option.

It sounds like the med school friend could be a real asset to her, now or in the future.
 
I know how you feel. I’ve got a sister who’s engaged, and I kind of dread having to be the one to explain to her about how wrong ABC is. :o We were both really poorly catechized as girls and I can’t imagine her Baptist fiance will be thrilled about NFP. For your friend, I would recommend giving her a pamphlet or talk by Janet Smith. “Contraception: Why Not?” is a good one and I believe it is available for free online.

It’s sad but even Catholic women are so stubborn these days about ABC…just can’t do without that little pill. :rolleyes: Really and truly, only God can change your friend’s heart. It could be that after she uses ABC and sees the effects of it on her marriage and body, she will change her mind.
 
From what you’ve described, it appears that your friend is trying very hard to please her fiance in a variety of aspects here. They won’t go to pre-Cana because it’s too conservative and she’s afraid of it turning him away from the Church?! What type of Catholic marriage are they expecting here? It sounds like they don’t want a Catholic marriage, but instead, one of convenience with a “Catholic” label on it.

She should be wary of marrying someone she’s trying so hard to please. Someone can end up very unhappy down the line. . .
 
SJMB, I have a friend like that, who’s on bcps even though she uses the excuse of PCOS for them, and when I communicated with her that based on her sexual activities that she was not supposed to take Communion during mass, she kind of flipped out on me, the only thing we can do for our friends is pray for them…And Ask GOD for intervention…Hopefully your friend will see the right path and so will mine! God bless and good luck!
 
The problem with the “fear of pregnancy” thing is that aside from being menopausal or having your ovaries/testes removed, there is no 100% form of birth control. Every method has a failure rate. I have a friend who has 3 kids, all of whom were conceived while she was on the pill. Speaking about fear, I am afraid of the increased risks of health problems like breast cancer that the use of the pill would give me if I took it. So yes, there is a certain amount of uncertainty/worry when you are using NFP to avoid pregnancy, but anyone who doesn’t have some uncertainty/worry when they’re using artificial contraception is just kidding themselves.

To be honest, when I hear that they might want to start law school in a couple of years and don’t want to get pregnant during that time, I have to wonder if they are really ready for marriage. It’s one thing to be in the middle of your degree, or have another serious reason to avoid. But to go into marriage knowing that you won’t be open to children for at least several years, well, I’d have to pray long and hard about the wisdom of that.

It sounds like your friend is actually pretty well informed. More so than most Catholics. If her fiance is the main pressure, even if it’s something that he hasn’t said outloud, but that she has assumed, that is another reason to reconsider the state of the relationship. Maybe they don’t have to break up because of this, but is she holding back from this relationship for fear that he won’t love her true self?

Also, there are certain sins I committed prior to being married. I knew they were wrong, but I lived in denial until after marriage. If someone had lovingly told me point blank, “those sins ____ are mortal sins. That means that by doing this, you are destroying the grace that is in your soul. If you died tomorrow, you are risking going to hell. Is your worry over disappointing your bf worth hell?” there’s a good chance that would have given me the kick I needed to do the right thing sooner. I’m not saying that approach would be right for everyone, but if it would’ve helped me, it might be what some people really need to hear.

Whether you are in a position to “convince” her is sketchy. If she knows the truth, this may be completely a spiritual battle that can’t be fought with words. Maybe you could pray a novena for your friend. Maybe you could even convince her to pray a novena to make the right decision. Probably something rosary related would be good.
 
Thanks everybody. This is all some really good advice!

I’ve had some of the same concerns about her future happiness in this relationship, but slightly different reasons. I forgot to mention that her fiancee actually wants to go ahead with NFP, which is a blessing (I pray that St.Joseph will encourage him to be a spiritual leader and try to start them on the right foot), but in all other ways he’s less conservative than she is (God really brought him closer to the Church and to believing in abstinence/chastity through her). She’s very overly stressed and is having trouble sorting everything out, and the fact that his family is not only encouraging the pill but saying NFP is a bad choice just makes things a lot worse. They are sort of pushy to her (very nice, but very vocal about their opinion of her life), and she wants them to like her and is a bit too worried about what they think. I will pray a Novena for her tonight, and I like the idea of seeing if she wants to come. Maybe I will give her a call.

I’m worried about her rushing into getting married, but although she is nervous sometimes, she’s really excited. He is a good man, though they have their issues. I wish they had longer until the wedding to work them out, because although they have some issues, I think they’re the sort that can definitely be worked out with maturity and time. I sort of brought up pushing the wedding back a few weeks ago, but she didn’t like that idea and for the next few days stopped telling me about her concerns and started telling me all the good things about her fiancee (he is a good guy, really). I didn’t want her to stop discussing her concerns with me, because I think she needs somebody to talk about those with and her other options (her family, who she is a bit rocky with right now, his family, and a few scattered friends that live nearby) are not ideal.

Thanks for your prayers. They are a sweet couple who have done wonderful things for their Church and spreading the message of chastity to their friends, and I pray they will do the right thing here and start their marriage out right: please God.
 
You know, you may be talking to the wrong person.

First of all, why does his/her family know ANYTHING about the way they’re going to space their children? BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE!

I can’t imagine anyone asking me or me volunteering that information. So totally none of anyone’s business!

But I think maybe you need to talk to HIM from a viewpoint of his concern for her health. God always forgives, people sometimes… nature… never.

Give HIM the information. Give him a pamphlet from church on NFP classes and Couple to Couple League materials. Tell him this is healthy, immediately reversible, and good for a marriage.

I too wonder about the strength of their relationship if she is already having to change her standards to please him.

Or to think she’s pleasing him. Either she’s insulting herself or insulting him by acting like he can’t handle the truth.

As for priests who don’t tell the truth to their flock… well, no priest goes to hell alone. He’ll be twice as responsible as anyone for the culpability of sins in his parish.
 
sjmb said:
Thanks everybody. This is all some really good advice!

I’ve had some of the same concerns about her future happiness in this relationship, but slightly different reasons. I forgot to mention that her fiancee actually wants to go ahead with NFP, which is a blessing (I pray that St.Joseph will encourage him to be a spiritual leader and try to start them on the right foot), but in all other ways he’s less conservative than she is (God really brought him closer to the Church and to believing in abstinence/chastity through her). She’s very overly stressed and is having trouble sorting everything out, and the fact that his family is not only encouraging the pill but saying NFP is a bad choice just makes things a lot worse. They are sort of pushy to her (very nice, but very vocal about their opinion of her life), and she wants them to like her and is a bit too worried about what they think. I will pray a Novena for her tonight, and I like the idea of seeing if she wants to come. Maybe I will give her a call.

I’m worried about her rushing into getting married, but although she is nervous sometimes, she’s really excited. He is a good man, though they have their issues. I wish they had longer until the wedding to work them out, because although they have some issues, I think they’re the sort that can definitely be worked out with maturity and time. I sort of brought up pushing the wedding back a few weeks ago, but she didn’t like that idea and for the next few days stopped telling me about her concerns and started telling me all the good things about her fiancee (he is a good guy, really). I didn’t want her to stop discussing her concerns with me, because I think she needs somebody to talk about those with and her other options (her family, who she is a bit rocky with right now, his family, and a few scattered friends that live nearby) are not ideal.

Thanks for your prayers. They are a sweet couple who have done wonderful things for their Church and spreading the message of chastity to their friends, and I pray they will do the right thing here and start their marriage out right: please God.
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Interesting - yes, her family needs to MTOB. I mean, it is one thing for her mom or sister, say, to respectfully mention their thoughts on this to their dear relation. But then they need to drop it.

I would try to build her up with the idea that this is her and her husband’s decision, finally, to make. Her family doesn’t need to live with it or practice it. Also, I wonder if there is another underlying fear? I know my mother has always really emphasized the importance of absolutely controlling your childbearing. (In her family, there were a lot of kids and a mom not equipped emotionally to deal with him, and she saw the same thing in my dad’s family.) And although my approach is quite different, it is hard to escape that attitude, the feeling that SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. That may be something she really needs to deal with. Even on the pill, pregnancy is possible - a friend of mine conceived both of her kids on the Pill.
 
“sjmb” You need to explain to your friend that so-called “birth control” drugs are actually “abortificants”. That means, that the birth control does NOT prevent conception (a common belief). But the drug acts AFTER conception, to chemically abort a fertilized egg (zygote). :nope:

This is something that many people who use birth control are ignorant of. It may be that even her priest is ignorant of this fact. How tragic.

I will keep her in my prayers. You are a good friend, she is blessed to have you in her life.

God bless.
 
MarieVeronica said:
“sjmb” You need to explain to your friend that so-called “birth control” drugs are actually “abortificants”. That means, that the birth control does NOT prevent conception (a common belief). But the drug acts AFTER conception, to chemically abort the fetus. :nope:

God bless.
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That is something of a misrepresentation, and if you tell her that, you will likely lose credibility.

The regular birth control pill works primarily by preventing ovulation. In most women, if they take the pill regularly at the same time each day, it works well. No pregnancy is possible.

It also causes the uterine lining to shed, and also tends to prevent a good lining from developing in the first place. In the situation where an egg is released and fertilized, then, it acts secondarily to prevent implantaion to occur - it can’t implant without a lining to implant into. That is the situation where it is essentially acting to cause an abortion, but it isn’t the normal mechanism.
 
I would give her a copy of “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” and “The Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West.
It also wouldn’t hurt to give her a copy of “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak. I think these books should be essential reading for engaged Catholic couples.

Along with these I would go to a pharmaceutical website and print off the side effects for people who take prescription birth control.

Using artificial birth control is like telling God, “I trust you up to a point, but here is where I draw the line.”
 
Just a thought: is “liberal Catholic” the best way to describe a dissenting Catholic falling into sin? We probably shouldn’t try describing dissent in terms such as “liberal.” Perhaps telling her like it is, that contraception is a mortal sin, will help her.

I do have to question the Sacramental state of the marriage if she is going into it with plans on committing mortal sin. It is also terrible that her family is encouraging her to commit mortal sin. I don’t know how else to phrase it, but she does not appear to be properly disposed to receive the Sacrament of Matrimony.
 
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