Friend getting married in trouble

[SaltySirena]

“sjmb” You need to explain to your friend that so-called “birth control” drugs are actually “abortificants”. That means, that the birth control does NOT prevent conception (a common belief). But the drug acts AFTER conception, to chemically abort a fertilized egg (zygote). :nope:

And you need to do some research so that you can actually tell people the truth. Birth control pills work in three ways:

They suppress ovulation (primary)

They thicken cervical mucus and prevent it from forming channels for sperm to swim through (secondary)

They make the uterine lining thinner and less able to support a pregnancy (tertiary - this is the abortifacient one)

My OB/GYN once told me that he thinks the second one should actually be considered the primary functionality, because if sperm can’t get in, it doesn’t matter if the pill failed to suppress ovulation.

If you’re going to go around “informing” people, you have to preserve your credibility by having your facts straight.

 

[ryecroft]

Thanks everybody. This is all some really good advice!

I’ve had some of the same concerns about her future happiness in this relationship, but slightly different reasons. I forgot to mention that her fiancee actually wants to go ahead with NFP, which is a blessing (I pray that St.Joseph will encourage him to be a spiritual leader and try to start them on the right foot), but in all other ways he’s less conservative than she is (God really brought him closer to the Church and to believing in abstinence/chastity through her). She’s very overly stressed and is having trouble sorting everything out, and the fact that his family is not only encouraging the pill but saying NFP is a bad choice just makes things a lot worse. They are sort of pushy to her (very nice, but very vocal about their opinion of her life), and she wants them to like her and is a bit too worried about what they think. I will pray a Novena for her tonight, and I like the idea of seeing if she wants to come. Maybe I will give her a call.

I’m worried about her rushing into getting married, but although she is nervous sometimes, she’s really excited. He is a good man, though they have their issues. I wish they had longer until the wedding to work them out, because although they have some issues, I think they’re the sort that can definitely be worked out with maturity and time. I sort of brought up pushing the wedding back a few weeks ago, but she didn’t like that idea and for the next few days stopped telling me about her concerns and started telling me all the good things about her fiancee (he is a good guy, really). I didn’t want her to stop discussing her concerns with me, because I think she needs somebody to talk about those with and her other options (her family, who she is a bit rocky with right now, his family, and a few scattered friends that live nearby) are not ideal.

Thanks for your prayers. They are a sweet couple who have done wonderful things for their Church and spreading the message of chastity to their friends, and I pray they will do the right thing here and start their marriage out right: please God.

Personally, I believe that if they believe they’re ready to get married than they should - I believe that being in school - both of them-as well as financial concerns is a very serious reason to put off having children. I have no doubt that like many catholics - including myself, when I got married, I was getting married because I love my husband and want to be with him completely -because of medical reasons, I had been on abc since I was 13 - so we didn’t really have to worry about birth control- I will say that we did try NFP - did the base line and everything - worked with a lovely couple, but unfortunately, the only way you find out that NFP isn’t working is to end up pregnant -(of course this is the same with other methods as well) (we no longer do NFP but that is mainly because of medical reasons) - but one thing that might help her with NFP that I wish had been around when I first got married was the OCUVUE ZETEK - it’s a couple hundred dollars but it tells you five days prior to your ovulation - it tells you exactly which days not to be active (which wound up being less than when you chart-for everyone that I know that is using it to add to NFP) - anyway if people want to be extra careful they can check other signs that are present with Billings or whichever method you might be trying. Again this isn’t 100 percent perfect but I know of no one that has used it to avoid pregnancy that has gotten pregnant in the past few years. THis thing even prints out your chart for you - it’s just an idea. Does she want to wait until they’ve both been in a law firm a few years before kids or do they really want them at all? I’m just curious - I hope this might help her feel a little more comfortable with the idea of NFP. Also, I have never known of a couple who could get married in the Catholic church without going through pre cana - I know of some that went to a different Church for pre cana. I know you want her to not go with birth control pills but I would reccomend telling her once what you were talking about - and then to kind of drop it - if she does go with ABC she may want to come to you later if she feels uncomfortable with it or has problems later - you don’t want her to feel like you’re going to judge her and you don’t want to loose the friendship - I think you both know that she’s hesitant about what she’s considering doing. But if they’re getting married soon and they’re not active now, if there is a chance she’s going to do NFP they need to get in a class now so they can do the base readings - even if she goes on the pill she needs to make a decision because she has to be on it at least 1-2 months before it’s considered 99 percent effective. God Bless and good luck!
Annie aka Ryecroft

 

[Charlotte408]

Her and her fiancee are wanting to go to law school in two years, and don’t want to have children until after that. She’s doesn’t want to constantly “worry” about being pregnant, and is afraid that sometimes she would not stick to the schedule because part of her wants to have children.

Okay, thats what I have a problem with right there. Theres no compassion. How sad, she doesnt want to have to ‘worry’ about ‘getting pregnant’. Thats something one should ‘worry’ about? Thats a gift…she shouldnt worry, she should anticipate, hope for, pray that god will one day bless her with a baby…so many people CANT have kids…and try so hard for them…it could happen that she uses contraception for the next couple years, and then misses her chance…you have no idea what it feels like…I was the LAST one out of all my friends to have a family/child… its like a club you cant get into if you dont have one…they all do things with their kids…and your the odd one out…and the LOVE they have…I was so envious and sad…to hear someone they dont want to ‘worry’ about it…their line of thinking is already wayyyy off…

and shes afraid she wont be able to ‘stick to her schedule’???

and what schedule is that?

“If you want to make GOD laugh, tell Him YOUR plans”

No one is ever READY to have a baby. There will always be a reason to wait…be it financial issues, whatever…its just one of those things you adjust to…and make it work. Her schedule is ultimately NOT her schedule, God has a way of throwing curveballs…a baby should be a welcomed one…

Ultimately one could say why did she get married anyways? If not to have a family?? Why would she enter into this holy sacrement, only to disrespect it by using contraception?? Shouldnt she have waited until after she was done with her school or whatever it is she wants to do?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Thanks everybody for the advice.

She knows the side effects and, worse, the possible abortion involved with the pill (which is what she plans to use), but I think she’s trying to justify wanting to use it and is trying to tune out those things. I’ve pointed out the negative things (I used to be on it; God saves and has transformed my heart and of course now I am chaste and would used it anyway, but I try to use experience to help her), but so many others are saying it’s okay. She has a close friend who is married and in med school (and he is in law school) and uses NFP who is speaking to her about its effectiveness and importance, but she’s not moving in that direction. She’s very close to just deciding to go with the pill. I thank God for keeping her from it still, and I feel like now is the last chance to stop her from making a mistake, but that if I just say the same things others are saying to her she will turn from me and the teaching and tune it out too. I sort of quietly mentioned the possible abortificant consequence, and she very quickly said “yeah, I’ve heard that” and moved on. I think that’s weighs on her and so she tries to not think about it.

Her and her fiancee are wanting to go to law school in two years, and don’t want to have children until after that. She’s doesn’t want to constantly “worry” about being pregnant, and is afraid that sometimes she would not stick to the schedule because part of her wants to have children.

She says she’s afraid of doing pre Cana at the local parish because it’s very conservative and she’s afraid that it will turn her fiancee away from the Church (he’s not as solid in the Church).

She is such a good friend and a good woman and loves Christ, and I know that she knows better.

Blessed Mother, please pray for her, and St. Joseph, please pray that her fiancee will stand strong in the matter and support NFP.

Thanks everybody.

If I were you I would give her me as an example!!! LOL I always tried pleasing my exhusband then husband about not having children, always, no matter what it was I had to do to not get pg… Without his “consent” got pg with all 3 kids…it was always fights etc…Well now I am 30 and can’t have any kids…Consequences of whatever I did to stop having children, my punishment for that? Only GOD knows, but I can tell you that I regret it big time, yes I am having economical problems keeping my children happy with all the new technoligies like their friends have but I don’t regret them ever nor loving them the way I do. AND I wouldn’t change anything in this world… I regret listening to my exhusband then husband and not having more children…Yes I would have been a single mom of more kids but let me tell you they are my joy and I wouldn’t have cared…I love them provide for them and am there for them, try to make their lives as joyful as possible even without all the luxuries and I know they love me…My 3 miracles were just that miracles… Now that I am going to restart my life at age 30 I would like to be blessed with more children and the chances are very small, if any at all, unless GOD decides to bless me with more, it will be under his will and power only…SO if you have to pray really hard to be blessed with a baby being fertile and all imagine being infertile?! Yeah exactly…

And if she’s afraid of disappointing her husband and he wants to leave the church because of her trying NFP (Believe me if I would have known about this I would have tried this a long time ago! LOL) then it’s obvious that he’s not the one for her because even non-Catholic husbands know their duty as a husband is to love his wife like she loves him and respect her as she respects him…

If anything, they can try and compromise, you know? For them to give NFP a chance attend all the needed classes and courses, etc and give it a try, if it doesn’t work out then they can go together and speak with their priest again and a NFP doctor for more information and to learn more together…But I can almost guarantee that once they find the right NFP way that’s right for them, they will be even more happy than with bcps…

Good luck, God bless and keep praying for your friend!!!

 

[MarieVeronica]

That is something of a misrepresentation, and if you tell her that, you will likely lose credibility.

Birth control as an abortifacient. Sadly, it is no “misrepresentation”. :nope:

And you need to do some research so that you can actually tell people the truth…

If you’re going to go around “informing” people, you have to preserve your credibility by having your facts straight.

“SS” I assure you, I have done my research. :sad_yes: Please read through the links I have provided, below. There are more out there. But I didn’t want to flood the thread.

prolife.com/BIRTHCNT.html

catholicmom.com/nfp06.05.htm

forum.catholic.org/viewtopic.php?f=76&t=56111

rcdow.org.uk/pastoralaffairs/default.asp?content_ref=2296

victorclaveau.com/Birth%20Contro_Regular%20Edition.htm

Pax Christi
MV

 

[SaltySirena]

MV, you claimed that birth control pills do not prevent conception and are only abortifacient. That is not true. Most of the time they do prevent conception, but sometimes they don’t and the third functionality of making the uterine lining thin and weak and unable to support implantation of the fertilized egg comes into play. That is when they are abortifacient.

 

[MarieVeronica]

…“birth control” drugs are actually “abortificants”. That means, that the birth control does NOT prevent conception…

“SS” I should have inserted the word “always” after “NOT”. I was typing quickly and I wasn’t careful enough. I’ll take greater care in future. I thank you for making me clarify my statement better. :thankyou:

… you claimed that birth control pills… are only abortifacient.

But I did not say that birth control pills act “only” as an abortifacient (please check my quote, above). I said that they are “actually” abortifacients (meaning the Pill can act as an abortifacient IF conception does take place). This is what I was trying to emphasize as the point that many people are ignorant of. In some cases, even Catholic clergy may be ignorant of this fact.

God bless

 

[SaltySirena]

Okay. The omission of that one word made a big difference. So we really have no disagreement.

Back to the topic…

 

[LittleDeb]

Actually this one is easier than most people realize. The thing to say to a couple considering using contraception is this, “There is no better way to shoot your future marriage in the foot than contraception.”

The one and only statistic I have ever believed and ever used has to do with contraception. “Contracepting couples, across ALL religious beliefs, have a divorce rate of an average 50%. Non-contracepting couples have less than 5%, again, across all religious beliefs” I can footnote it if you need me to, but that study is all over the NFP websites.

NFP couples, (and couples who use no method) generally stay married. Period. I have friends across all religions, including the religion of atheism. This statistic has held true for every single one of them. Of my contracepting friends, even devout Catholics, Muslims, Evangelicals, Mormons, (and devout atheists) have a 50% divorce rate. My non-contracepting friends including my atheist “hippie” friends have a less than 5% divorce rate.

It was studying the contraception issue from a secular perspective that brought me back in full union with the Church. Contraception seems to have a bigger impact on the success of marriage than anything else. I was taught by some very wise, old married people, (my parents,) that the biggest struggles in marriage are sex, money, and religion…in that order. A marriage of mixed religion Catholic/something else, that is non-contraceptive, has a higher chance of success than a contracepting Catholic couple has. That last one is purely anecdotal, but I was SHOCKED when I realized that.

Contraception alters the marital act. So it is certain that it alters marriage as a whole!