Friend Had A Sit Down With Me About Local Church 😳

[CheerfulTabby22]

Hey peeps!

So, I have a super dear friend who grew up Catholic- but no longer describes herself as such- or goes to the local Catholic Church.

She’s heard me gush lovingly about the church, this website, whenever I learn something new about Catholic stuff-

I knew she didn’t go to our local church anymore. But I didn’t realize…how much she dislikes it.

Keep in mind that, while she said the following, she agrees with me that generalizations are bad, and that not ALL Catholics are like this (She feels this is specific to our small- town church) :

(1.) She told me that the local church is comprised of mostly the wealthy, and that they would not approve of a young person not um…’born of wealth’ (My relatives are- aside from the grandparents- who live comfortably- very, very poor. I am trying to find a way to pay for my own college, working two jobs again, etc.)

(2.) She told me that they have a tendency to look down on those not in the Catholic Church. Now, I tried to argue (Which is awfully hard for me to do! I’m not very assertive, as I’ve mentioned before lol)

I tried to tell her, “Well ya know, birds of a feather flock together! They prolly just feel more comfortable with those that understand their daily Catholic life/ beliefs, just like how other groups tend to hang out together.”

She kinda shook her head at this, “You’re naive, Tabby, you’ll never belong. They’ll look down their noses at you.”

She was gentle about this, not saying it meanly but almost like an older sister might, “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

She DID say that she, too, adores the priests, so at least that’s something!

I could really only listen to her perspective, lovingly taking in what she said, trying to understand why she felt that way. And the thing is, I feel like she would know better than me- she spent her childhood in that church, after all.

I will say, that I had two elderly ladies of that Catholic Church tell me, “Well, our priests are young, you should go…to the church with the older priest.” (Note: UM…my friend said this was because they might think I’d…lure away the priests??? If so, those ladies give me too much credit, um- it’s not like they’re gonna throw those collars to the wind when they see my quirky self. Of course, um, I- I’d never even THINK of doing that anyway. I’m uncomfy even typing that out.)

Anyway…my friend brought up those points, today, and I did try to defend those in our local Catholic Church.

“Oh, there’s some nice people,” She said,”But not enough to make it worth it.”

But see, I know it’s not even really about the peeps who go to the church. It’s about God!

The problem is, the people DO affect the environment.

I hope this doesn’t insult anybody. If folks have read some of my other posts, then they’ll know- I love the beauty of Catholicism. And I feel, as with every group, that there’s both good and not so good people. I don’t make generalizations. And I DO try to love everyone.

But…this does give me a little more pause, with our local Church.

At the same time, I won’t know what it’s like there, until I actually GO.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am sure your friend is probably a lovely person, but if if she no longer describes herself as Catholic or goes to the local church, I would take what she says with a grain of salt.

Catholics attend mass in the parish they belong to geographically. If that is your parish, that is where you would go. The fact that she thinks something is specific to that particular church sounds suspicious. That is not usually true. What she says about the person “not born of wealth” is kind of judgmental on her part. She does not know what people are thinking, and honestly, how would they know whether you have money or not?

The part about them looking down on people that aren’t Catholic-- another judgment on her part.
And the two elderly ladies comments, she does not know why they said that and should not be inserting her own opinion into it.

Tabby, it sounds to me like your friend is doing everything she can to discourage you from attending mass there, or perhaps anywhere. She may see you becoming Catholic as something she doesn’t like since she considers herself not Catholic.

You really should just smile your beautiful smile, say thanks for the info, and then try it for yourself. No need to give the church pause until you actually go. Do not let the negative ideas of a few people influence you. You are Tabby, and Tabby thinks positively!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Saints preserve us from such helpful “friends”.

There are dozens of Catholic parishes out there. Even if the one in your town turns out to be not to your liking, you are likely to have other ones within shouting distance. I go to dozens of Catholic churches because I travel around a lot and I like to see different churches. There are rich ones, middle-class ones, poor ones, modern ones, traditional ones, historic buildings, modern buildings, brand new buildings, young priests, old priests, immigrant priests from all kinds of countries, American-born priests, blah blah blah. Surely you are not going to spend your entire life in one small town attending the same parish for the next 70 years…and surely the same people your friend grew up with are not going to be attending that parish themselves for the next 70 years.

Also, if you are going to join the Catholic church, you join it for Jesus. Not for other people in the pews, rich, poor, aloof, welcoming, snobbish, not snobbish, old, young, etc. The Catholic Church is not a social club.

 

[BartholomewB]

Even if everything she’s saying is no more than the plain truth, that’s still no reason to stay away from Mass.

 

[po18guy]

The greatest threat to our faith is when we attend mass. Why? What do we do? Check others’ outfits, whether they are talking, if they “look” as pious as we are, if the music is good enough etc. etc. etc.

The devil tempts us to look left and right, seeing only sinners and hypocrites. Well, what is it exactly that they also see? Correct.

Rather, we must always and everywhere look up - up to the purity, truth and beauty of God. We are lost when we take our eyes off of him.

Consider that Peter is the only purely human being ever to walk on water. But, he took his eyes off the Lord and what happened? He sank!

Your friend has been looking left and right too much, and up, not enough. As justification for leaving, she has fallen for the devil’s temptation to judge those others. Maybe gently remind her that Saint Paul did not even judge himself! And what did our Lord have to say about being judgmental of others?

She is making excuses for leaving Christ for communities that talk about Him but DO NOT HAVE His sacramental presence - do not have any Sacraments, most likely. And her Pastor? I have seen quite a few who wear 5K Hugo Boss suits. Hmmmm.

I like being provocative. I tell those who want me to “un-convert” and join them that I will not renounce Christ and for that reason I can not join them. Now, this is hyperbole, but in basis remains true. In plain fact, I would have to renounce Christ to leave Him in His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity.

 

[Fauken]

Not for other people in the pews, rich, poor, aloof, welcoming, snobbish, not snobbish, old, young, etc. The Catholic Church is not a social club.

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[Beryllos]

At the same time, I won’t know what it’s like there, until I actually GO.

I’m confused. In this statement, do you mean you, or your friend?

 

[CheerfulTabby22]

I’m sorry! I meant me. : )

 

[His_helpmeet]

One point I’d like to make: while it is true that technically you belong to the parish in which geographic area you live, not everyone chooses to attend that parish. Case in point: my parents once attended Mass at the parish where they were geographically located, only to find out they ran the place, to use my dad’s explanation, as if it was General Motors. Anything they needed done they’d just hire out and figure out later how they would pay for it. My parents discovered a lovely parish a little out of their area and took us to attend that. Three of my siblings were baptized there and we became good friends with the parish priest.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I preferred the parish in the next town over as a 20 year old even though my parents belonged to the “right” parish. When I got married, I got permission from both parishes to get married in the church I preferred because that was the one I attended mostly.

But in the OPs story, I meant that she has just as much right to be there as anyone else (despite her finances or age) as anyone else if that is her parish geographically.

 

[Irishmom2]

CheerfulTabby22:

At the same time, I won’t know what it’s like there, until I actually GO.

I’m confused. In this statement, do you mean you, or your friend?

Oh, just go already, Tabby!

 

[CheerfulTabby22]

(10 characters)

 

[runningdude]

Some parishes are terrible. That is just a fact. If her description is correct, you have no obligation to “defend” the local parish against accurate descriptions of petty behavior.

However, you are being given just one perspective from someone who apparently felt hurt by the parish. Take her advice with a grain of salt.

As you said, you cannot confirm or deny her account until you visit. If practical, you also have the option of attending Mass elsewhere if your friend’s description is more accurate than not.

 

[Shasta-Rose]

Yes, go. My parish is also a pretty affluent one, but there are some like me who aren’t all that wealthy. I’ve never been “snobbed” by anyone there. I say, Go for it! Don’t worry about negativity until and unless you actually feel it.

 

[Camehome4john6]

My twenty years of going to a Presbyterian church was so much fun. Spiritually lacking, even though I didn’t see that for some time, but fun. What a sense of belonging and community! We were greeted enthusiastically and there was joyful taking and catching up with others before the opening hymn.

Be aware that for the most part Catholic churches just won’t have that. Oh, there will be, depending on the parish, opportunities for involvement and fellowship outside of Mass but don’t expect a lot of friendly chit chat before, during, and after Mass as we tend to see ourselves as there for some serious business and need to pray.

I guess what I’m saying is… if you walk in and get no more than a little smile and a nod or nothing at all, it’s not that people are thinking poorly of you it’s that they aren’t thinking of you at all. Don’t be offended; they’re preparing for Mass.

Go to your first Mass. Read the bulletin when you get home and find some activities to try as an outlet for the sweet, outgoing person you seem to be.

 

[CapitalistCatholic]

You sound like a lovely person. I would gently lead her back to Catholicism! Ask questions in this format:
What?
Why?
Press on that subject!

 

[LawyersGunsAndMoney]

OP, you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s not about the people in the pews and whatever faults they might have. I think you’re on the right track.

 

[tad]

We heard about gathering and scattering in today’s Gospel and homily. Here’s the link for those of you scoring along at home

Thursday of the Third Week of Lent | USCCB

I’m wondering what’s motivating your friend in trying to divide us.

I converted 16 years ago. Prior to that I didn’t have any church experience. One thing I liked about Catholics is that they left me alone. I had attended daily mass for three weeks before someone said anything to me and that was to let me know he was praying for whatever I was praying for. My parish is very friendly and as time passed and I came to know them a lot better, but I’m glad they had enough sense to leave me alone during those early, heady days.

 

[jack63]

This a very interesting thread.

I’m a Catholic convert. The comments about the Catholic church not being a social club are very very true, and this was hard for me to get used to. I’m not sure I “like” it, but I’ve learned to find a great deal of value and meaning it. I went through RCIA, and it was great. People really paid attention to you, you learn a great deal, and it felt like there was really a community. Then it is over, and now you have really work to find a community in Catholic church.

Many protestant churches really are set up to be a social club. Their sanctuaries often open to a large area where people meet, eat and socialize. In this type of environment, it is basically rude if you don’t socialize. In many Catholic churches, once mass is over, you can often make a clean escape. Often the sanctuary opens to the street. To find a community in a Catholic church you basically have to go back to a specific event at the church. Why is this better? First, the only way you’re going stick it out is a sincere belief in mass. It is not about being seen or making professional contacts. Second, it prevents cliques. In a way, it is more welcoming. You don’t have a group of people watching you come out of mass and carefully studying you…and then deciding to include or exclude you. There is more of an opportunity to develop a community that you are comfortable with…you have to work for it though.

Hope this helps!

One more thing…

I got a kick out of this one…I genuinely learned something from it too . These two elderly ladies aren’t so dumb; however, they are missing the point of Christianity…in my opinion.

I will say, that I had two elderly ladies of that Catholic Church tell me, “Well, our priests are young, you should go…to the church with the older priest.” (Note: UM…my friend said this was because they might think I’d…lure away the priests??? If so, those ladies give me too much credit, um- it’s not like they’re gonna throw those collars to the wind when they see my quirky self.

 

[awesomecatholic]

Do not let your friend keep you from being Catholic. I will be converting and my parents are very unsupportive of that. I know it’s discouraging when something like this happens. You won’t know what the Catholic church is like unless you experience it.