Friend likes a girl who has a boyfriend

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Catechesis

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Hey Guys,

I’m posting on behalf of a friend today. So my friend met this girl from college that he got to know and ended up having a really big crush on. He told me that she meets everything that he likes, she charming, attractive, witty, and hits all the points of his ideal girl. He was telling me that he hasnt met a girl like this in a long time. Sadly after they got to know each other she started dating someone else but she still texts him and wants to hang out and what not. But my friend says that since he found shes had a boyfriend, hes had a very cold feeling. I completly understand that, when you really like somone and they date someone else or they dont like you, that can be one of the coldest feelings we experience. He doesn’t know what to do because they still hang out even though he had made it very open to this girl that he liked her before she started dating the other guy. I’m not sure what to tell him and he seems sad and somewhat depressed over this. He said he feels very weird after they hang out and always feel kinda depressed. Any advice?
 
Sometimes having a crush can blind us to certain character faults. In this case, I’d see it as a big red flag that she has a boyfriend and yet is prepared to hang out with, text, and generally string along your friend. Not classy! And even if this boyfriend disappears, it will not instill confidence that she won’t do this to the next one too, and so on.

Of course, that’s an impression I’ve quickly formed based on reading your one-paragraph post, so could be off base anyway. Just tell your friend to be careful and standoffish until the situation becomes clearer - by which I mean either she keeps seeing this boyfriend or she doesn’t. I’d say your friend will have a clearer view within a month of where he stands.
 
underacloud said:
Sometimes having a crush can blind us to certain character faults. In this case, I’d see it as a big red flag that she has a boyfriend and yet is prepared to hang out with, text, and generally string along your friend. Not classy! And even if this boyfriend disappears, it will not instill confidence that she won’t do this to the next one too, and so on.

Of course, that’s an impression I’ve quickly formed based on reading your one-paragraph post, so could be off base anyway. Just tell your friend to be careful and standoffish until the situation becomes clearer - by which I mean either she keeps seeing this boyfriend or she doesn’t. I’d say your friend will have a clearer view within a month of where he stands.
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No she just likes to hang out with him as a friend but he doesnt understand why after she knew that he had a full blown crush on her. Shes never really mentioned anything about his crush on her, did’nt really acknowledge it. I feel really bad for him because everytime they hang out, he just ends up getting sad afterwords. He thinks about her alot to but since she has a boyfriend, he cant really do much in this situation.
 
Catechesis said:
No she just likes to hang out with him as a friend but he doesnt understand why after she knew that he had a full blown crush on her. Shes never really mentioned anything about his crush on her, did’nt really acknowledge it. I feel really bad for him because everytime they hang out, he just ends up getting sad afterwords. He thinks about her alot to but since she has a boyfriend, he cant really do much in this situation.
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OK, but is that any better? She knows he has a full blown crush and yet hangs out with him and texts him. She’s either stringing him along or is ignoring (or oblivious to) the sadness that this unrequited love will cause your friend. I’m not sure which option I’d prefer to deal with but if I was your friend, I’d look to move on.

Perhaps your friend should have one last conversation where he lays it on the line - eg - “my interest in you is romantic and while I like being your friend, it is too difficult for me to remain merely a friend when I feel the way I do. I don’t think we should keep hanging out while you are seeing other men.” That will make his position clear and her’s will become clear soon enough - if not immediately, again I’d say the passing of about a month ought to clarify the situation.
 
I agree with underacloud’s advice.

And I would like to add that maybe you should ask your friend, how would he feel if he were her boyfriend and she had another male “friend” she was stringing along like she is doing to him. It isn’t right to the boyfriend and it isn’t right for your friend since she is aware he has feelings for her.

If hanging out with her makes him feel sad, he should stop. It’s not going to get better, and it certainly will be more difficult as time goes by. Time to move on.
 
Thank you all very much for the advice I will definitely share this with him.
 
Tis better to soil your pantaloons than to die of constipation. If I could talk to your friend I would tell him he is better off telling this girl how he feels and seeing if she feels the same. My wife had a boyfriend as well when I met her. He was from before she converted to catholicism and really wasn’t a very good person for her.
 
This is a classical instance of the “friend zone” on her part and of “unrequited love” on his (yes, I know no-one has said love).

There is no Perecentage in him maintaining this one-sided association; he should get out whilst the getting is good. Else he’s just wearing himself out.

ICXC NIKA
 
Thanks alot guys and he feels like theirs no point in telling her how he feels to expect anything in return because even tho their both young (they’re both 19) shes pretty serious about her boyfriend. As in she actually buys plane tickets to go see him out of state and has met his parents. He’s trying to cope and forget about her but he keeps telling me its tough because he liked her alot and really thought he had a chance because she only started dating this guy after they started talking. He kinda feels like he “lost” in a sense because she was most likely talking to them both at the same time and went with the other dude but I told him she could have been talking to this guy and had a thing for me but not “officially” dating way before he met her. Any advice for how he can move on?
 
Catechesis said:
Thanks alot guys and he feels like theirs no point in telling her how he feels to expect anything in return because even their both young (they’re both 19) shes pretty serious about her boyfriend. As in she actually buys plane tickets to go see him out of state and has met his parents. He’s trying to cope and forget about her but he keeps telling me its tough because he liked her alot and really thought he had a chance because she only started dating this guy after they started talking. Any advice for how he can move on?
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The only way to move on is to do it:

A) look for someone new,

B) work on the non-female relationship areas of his life, or

C) preferably both.

He may indeed be a victim of bad timing, in that he found her right before she joined on with someone else. But whatever the case, the geometry is wrong for the two of them and he should move away from her as quickly as possible.

IMNAAHO.

ICXC NIKA
 
Very often young women are totally OK with having friends of the opposite sex that are just friends. And these same women just will NEVER understand why a guy wouldn’t want to just be friends. Don’t try and figure this 19 year old girl out because (speaking from experience) some 19 year old girls just don’t get what is wrong with being friends with a guy when they have a boyfriend.

It is best your friend just cut contact with her no matter how hard it is. He deserve better
 
I see her as 19 and really immature.

It doesn’t surprise me much that she is hanging out and texting other boys…despite having a “serious” boyfriend.
Define serious…a few months?

I would find other things to do with your friend that doesn’t include her.

Hang out with different people. Do something different.

It’s still the middle of the semester. Soon summer will be upon us and everyone will be going their separate ways while on break.

Then the new schedule will start and he will be in different classes with different people.
 
I think the problem is that, in his head he thinks he still has a chance with this girl. As in with more hanging out and talking (they’ve only hung out a few times) , she’ll end up seeing how cool a guy he actually is and I dont know change her mind about him? I told him not to do this because its not fair to her or her boyfriend.
 
Catechesis said:
Hey Guys,

I’m posting on behalf of a friend today. So my friend met this girl from college that he got to know and ended up having a really big crush on. He told me that she meets everything that he likes, she charming, attractive, witty, and hits all the points of his ideal girl. He was telling me that he hasnt met a girl like this in a long time. Sadly after they got to know each other she started dating someone else but she still texts him and wants to hang out and what not. But my friend says that since he found shes had a boyfriend, hes had a very cold feeling. I completly understand that, when you really like somone and they date someone else or they dont like you, that can be one of the coldest feelings we experience. He doesn’t know what to do because they still hang out even though he had made it very open to this girl that he liked her before she started dating the other guy. I’m not sure what to tell him and he seems sad and somewhat depressed over this. He said he feels very weird after they hang out and always feel kinda depressed. Any advice?
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It’s normal. As an honourable sort of fella, it’s no wonder he feels bad making sugary eyes at someone else’s gal (or wishing he could). Being reminded that you can’t have the girl isn’t exactly meant to feel like a birthday gift, either. It’s okay to feel sad or awkward, just don’t let him dwell on those feelings. But there’s no need to actively try to unmake them, which is not in his power anyway. Go on with his life like normal.
 
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