Friend of unwed mother getting cold shoulder... what do I do?

[The_Angelus]

Okay, I go to a pretty conservative church in the Bible Belt. A friend of my best friend was going to college. Nice girl, level headed and moral. Short tale to make, she came back with a baby.

There wasn’t much of a stir at first. She said “This is my son Jacob,” started coming to church regularly, and didn’t seem promiscuous or anything. Trouble was, her parents didn’t want to be seen as the family of a “fallen woman” as they called her, and wouldn’t let her stay at home. Pretty soon she ran out of savings and couldn’t pay rent. Got evicted.

I think I have the words “EXTREMELY EASY TO SUCKER IN” branded on me in letters of fire, because the girl came to me. (I’m a neurology grad student with my own apartment.) She asked if she could stay with me for a few days while she got a job. I said fine, set up blankets and pillows on the couch, and we’ve been getting along fine.

Well, she’s been looking for jobs. Since she didn’t finish college, mostly she can do cashiering or waitressing. But none of the places she’s found want someone who had a baby two months ago. She’s been looking hard, but nobody wants her. And she’s kind of proud and doesn’t like to feel like she’s accepting charity. I have no problem with giving her a place to stay, or the baby (I sleep so soundly the crying doesn’t bother me) but she has a problem accepting charity.

Now the real problem. We go to church together, since I have a car and she doesn’t need to be walking with a tiny baby for half an hour. People at church are starting to gossip. One little girl who was sitting next to me at the social hour looked up at me very big and said “Mommy says you’re being immoral and I shouldn’t talk to you.” I wasn’t too stunned, since I know what people are saying, but I was seriously disappointed.

I talked to the priest and he assured me that I was doing the right thing, and even followed this up with a sermon on the Good Samaritan (slightly out of season) but nobody really got the point. I’m still getting talked about as the “young woman who lives with a slut,” which I think is really uncharitable to the young mother. She wasn’t promiscuous or anything; from what I heard, she had one drink too many at her first party and passed out.

So I’m being slowly and remorselessly shoved out of church, except by a few good souls who whisper to me that they admire my compassion and strength. I had to tell one old lady to her face that there was no way in heck I was going to evict mother and baby. I’ve dealt with it so far but the pressure is really starting to get to me. The mom feels it too, probably worse than me, and is going around wondering when I’m going to bend to superior pressure and kick her out.

So how do I convince people that 1) this girl is NOT a tramp 2) Christian charity is providing a place to stay, not going “tut tut” 3) avoid going out of my mind?!!! This has been going on for two weeks now and I’m already halfway up the wall. The negative attention is really out-sizing the positive.

Any and all help is appreciated greatly.

–Angelus

 

[AuntMartha]

If you decided to continue going to that church, each time you walk in, hold your head high, smile, and nod at people in greeting, even if they give you dirty looks. Encourage the mother to do the same.

During the Mass, think only of the reason you are at Mass - to worship, and offer up any concerns to God.

After Mass, perhaps the two of you could greet the priest, if he is waiting outside of church to greet parishoners. Hopefully most would follow his example of not shunning you. Or, the two of you could greet and engage in conversation with the few people who have indicated that they support you. Or spend a little time at the statue of Mary, where you can light candles and ask for her prayers for you and the mother.

But I would not hide my head in shame. A mistake was made, a sin committed. I think the fact that this mother is going to church indicates that she recognizes her sin and is ready to be forgiven. She is admirable in that regard - I think some might stop going to church all together after that.

If anyone else makes negative comments, in a kind voice quote Scripture: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. John 8:7” That’ll shut 'em up!

On the other hand, there may be a parish with more kindly people. That is always an option too.

I wish you the best in this situation.

 

[kage_ar]

You seem more like the Godly young woman who offers her hand to a sister in need. God bless you and you have nothing to be ashamed of - and neither does your roomie. She chose LIFE. Perhaps she should get involved with the local pro life group!

 

[Shiann]

:clapping: For both posts!

And for your courage and support of the young woman and her child!

I agree that you should stick with your local church- you sound like you are strong enough and level headed enough to handle the criticism. Make sure you and the young woman stay in good communication with the priest.

He is the spiritual and moral advisor, and may have to make a more obvious stand if things get to out of hand. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to loose either of you to another church because of idle tongues.



(I am also an unwed mother. I expect certain comments from people who do not know me or my situation. But I have been very blessed in that once people do know me, there are NO more comments! )

I offer my evening prayers for you and your roomate and her child. I pray that you may all weather this storm with God.

 

[AServantofGod]

I will be praying for you, your friend, and her baby. God bless your generous heart. Your actions may just help bring souls to Christ.

 

[Island_Oak]

Click on this link: interviewwithgod.com/beatitudes/

spend 5 minutes viewing and reflecting on it–esp. the last couple frames…

and then decide whether you want to change anything that you’ve been doing for the sake of the critics and slanderers in the crowd.

 

[mikev]

Thank God for people like you. We could use more of you.

Don’t leave your church, you’re doing Gods work, they’re not.

When some fellow parishoners hurl accusations at you, perhaps you could respond “I’m sorry you feel that way; I’ll pray for you.” They’re the ones in need of help.

In the meantime, I’ll pray for you and your friends. Keep up the good work.

 

[Lance]

Don’t worry about what those people think. On Judgement Day, God is not going to ask you what other people thought of you. He will say that in as much as you did it to the least of these, you did it to me. You are doing the right thing. Offer to let the young mother help you by doing the cleaning and shopping so that she will feel she is doing something to earn her keep, if you have any contacts you might help her find a job. Keep doing what you know to be the right thing and God bless you.

 

[Catholic2003]

Remember Matthew 5:10-12:

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you (falsely) because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

It’s truly an abomination that your persecution is coming from other “Catholics”. At least the priest knows what following Christ is all about.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

The_Angelus:

There wasn’t much of a stir at first. She said “This is my son Jacob,” started coming to church regularly, and didn’t seem promiscuous or anything. Trouble was, her parents didn’t want to be seen as the family of a “fallen woman” as they called her, and wouldn’t let her stay at home. Pretty soon she ran out of savings and couldn’t pay rent. Got evicted.

Reputation is more important than family. Abortive mentality.

And she’s kind of proud and doesn’t like to feel like she’s accepting charity. I have no problem with giving her a place to stay, or the baby (I sleep so soundly the crying doesn’t bother me) but she has a problem accepting charity.

That’s her problem. She’ll need to get over it. I finally learned to accept help from other people. If we think we should only give help but not receive it, we would deprive others of practicing stewardship.

People at church are starting to gossip. One little girl who was sitting next to me at the social hour looked up at me very big and said “Mommy says you’re being immoral and I shouldn’t talk to you.” I wasn’t too stunned, since I know what people are saying, but I was seriously disappointed.

It’s terrible when parents teach their children to judge and condemn. Poor child.

I talked to the priest and he assured me that I was doing the right thing, and even followed this up with a sermon on the Good Samaritan (slightly out of season) but nobody really got the point.

No surprise the sermon does no good. The good priest was preaching to dead bodies, in the hope the some of them may be saved.

Many Catholics have been itching for their chance to stone the whore, ever since Jesus intervened in it. They can’t wait for Jesus to turn around so they can launch that first stone. Better yet, get someone else to throw the stone so they can watch with self-righteous indignation combined with sadism and not be held responsible.

Just remember that if the world hates you, it hated Jesus first. You are doing His work, and you are being scorned for it.
Matt 5:11-12:

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you (falsely) because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

…

So I’m being slowly and remorselessly shoved out of church, except by a few good souls who whisper to me that they admire my compassion and strength. I had to tell one old lady to her face that there was no way in heck I was going to evict mother and baby. I’ve dealt with it so far but the pressure is really starting to get to me. The mom feels it too, probably worse than me, and is going around wondering when I’m going to bend to superior pressure and kick her out.

Force feed yourself scripture, in particular the gospels and the New Testament. Do not yield to the world which, being evil, will judge you anyway.

That old lady must think she is perfect. Ask her why she comes to the hospital if she isn’t sick? She should get out and let those who need healing come in. Asking her what Jesus would do is probably out of the question – she hasn’t a clue. It may not be all her fault; she’s just copying others she has seen who confuse judgment and condemnation with being righteous.

So how do I convince people that 1) this girl is NOT a tramp

You won’t. They have convicted her in their hearts without appeal.

1. Christian charity is providing a place to stay, not going “tut tut”

Over their heads. If they could grasp that, they would have responded to the Good Samaritan sermon.

1. avoid going out of my mind?!!! This has been going on for two weeks now and I’m already halfway up the wall. The negative attention is really out-sizing the positive.

Hang in there. I have some ideas. Take it from someone who’s been certifiably “out of my mind” that there is healing, and that you aren’t the one confused. Step one is to honestly learn not to care what they think, and to realize you are blessed. The priest is supporting you. Maybe others who whisper to you might risk meeting you outside the church, to have some friendship.

As my late dad, clearly a saint, once told me, “don’t let the b*stards get you down.”

Hang in there. PM me if you want; I have lots of experience in dealing with fools at church, and I am finally able to go there and not second-guess whether I belong. Through the healing power of the Holy Spirit, I have a peace level far beyond what these old ladies can probably imagine, and that’s on a bad day.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

The_Angelus:

So I’m being slowly and remorselessly shoved out of church, except by a few good souls who whisper to me that they admire my compassion and strength.

Pardon me, but this reminded me of something really funny.

There is a scene in the movie Blazing Saddles where an old lady brings the sheriff a pie for doing good, but she asks the sheriff to “have to good sense” not to tell anyone they’ve spoken to each other because he is black and it is a racist town. He understood, and agreed.

The sheriff told his friend he was quickly becoming an underground hero in this town.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Sorry about the aggression level of my 2nd to last post.

I’m starting to see when I fall down on gentleness and peace; I seem to get all hot and bothered when I see people who look down on others, as if the others’ sins are worse than their own – especially when it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Maybe one thing to do is to ask the priest if you (working with your social justice committee if there is one, perhaps, or the Knights) can organize drives to collect supplies to donate to shelters for unwed mothers, or organizations such as Better Choice, or whatever there is in your area. Who knows if they would continue to harumph at the notion of sheltering an unwed mother? Maybe (not betting on it) they would get a clue when they saw that the parish officially supports such activities.

Alan

 

[The_Angelus]

I just talked with my roomie about maybe Life Inc. or something. She seemed to like the idea and I pointed out that it looks a lot better for a woman with a kid to do this than for me (single, no kids, less empathy). I understand it’s about preventing abortions and also works some with battered women. It’s about ten minutes’ walk, which she also likes.

But her objection was that it didn’t pay. I just suggested it was a thing to do while job-hunting, and that went over better. She said she would go down there and check it out today, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Thank you for the support - it’s refreshign to have people approve of what I’m doing, instead of the opposite.

 

[chevalier]

If someone starts ranting on “the sin of scandal”, I’m going to take an AK-47 and start yelling.

If people are of such minds that they presume that if two women live in one flat they are shacking up lesbians, then something is wrong with them, not with the two women.

Remember, the same kind of people berated Lord Jesus Himself for hanging around with tax collectors, prostitutes and other outcasts.

And for what exactly are you immoral? For providing shelter to someone who has sinned? Who is without sin? Aren’t we all going to confession? So what should she do? Abort the child? Give it up for adoption? Some people would keep frowning on a single mother until she died, never mind she’s been pardoned by God Himself in a sacramental absolution, but they would quickly get over abortion as a momentary weakness. Question arises: who doesn’t want the baby? Surely not the mother. Would the informal Society for Christian Perfection and Mutual Adoration rather see the woman having aborted, confessed and been absolved than carrying on and bringing up the child that, the same people would say with great zeal (even with reference to rape resulting in pregnancy), God Himself gave her?

Yeah, let them instead wrap themselves in the cloak of their own immaculate perfection. Just wonder which invitation Jesus would accept first. From their holy gathering or from the single mother striving to bring up the child in the faith?

Besides, from your description, it looks like the child wasn’t exactly conceived in a consensual way, to say the least. To all the woman has been through, we now need to add the contempt of her Christian brethren. Great. We’ve seen oh so holy Christians stigmatising rape victims as immoral, haven’t we?

So, again, who is against the child? Who would be to blame for abortion, if the woman were to abort her next child?

What is the woman supposed to do to stop being a “fallen woman”? Get rid of the child? Marry the loser who abused her on a party when she was passed out?

 

[The_Angelus]

It’d be pretty hard to get married. She doesn’t know who the father is. And I think the ol’ gorgons at church need to realize that it wasn’t her fault. Except maybe for drinking underage at a party.

I have no idea why her family thinks she’s a fallen woman. Like you poitned out, it wasn’t exactly her choice. But I’ve told her a lot that I support her decision to have the kid. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and okay that’s the most overused cliche ever, but in this case it’s right.

And the worst part, at least for me, is that I don’t know whether the other people at church are whispering that I’m a) a supporter of fornication or b) a lesbian or c) both of the above! I can’t figure out whether people think I’m straight or homosexual! I don’t have a boyfriend (broke up with the last one; he wanted no more than 4 kids, I wanted 10-20).

And if she found out who the father was, I’d advise against marrying him. From what he did he has “abusive” written on his forehead in big, fat, red letters…