Friend paranoid or cautious?!

[Sarah_Sinner]

Ok, I have a close friend who doesn’t want to let her friends who do yoga into her soon-to-be refurbished home.
She has bi-polar and gets both disability allowance plus a pension from her teaching career which ended due to a nervous breakdown a few years ago (she’s only 44 ) and she’s legally not supposed to be getting these two payments but has so far managed to get away with it. She goes into hospital every couple of years. She was abused as a child and has major trust issues, and has ruined all her relationships due to jealous and controlling behaviour.
Anyway, when she first told me about the yoga thing, I was trying to think of various options like a) telling her friends the truth or b) keeping holy water in the house entrance and blessing them on their way in, or c) saying the St. Michael prayer with the friend when they come in. She basically has it in her head that if she let’s these people into her home, they’ll leave bad spirits in the house because they do yoga. Yesterday I thought about it again and said that I think she should let her friends in, because as long as she doesn’t do yoga herself, she’s fine. I also made the point that she’s planning on allowing her parents in, despite the fact that they have Buddha statues. She said no no. I said she might become pre-occupied with the house and isolate herself. I also pointed out the fact that people could think the same about her: that she had sex outside of marriage and therefore could carry bad spirits. She couldn’t get the point I was trying to make about hypocrisy. She said that when she asked the local priest, he said she was paranoid. I told her that when the house is ready she should have a little party with her family and friends and they can see all her beautiful Crosses, statues, paintings etc. I told her to share her home, and share herself. She said no.
I’m getting sick of this girl. What do you guys think?

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Reposting to get replies please

 

[Petaro]

My dearest wife who has a beautiful soul told me that everyone of us has room for one such friend. You must have her in your prayers first of all, as she obviously needs help. Don’t tire of her.
It is easy enough to give this advice from a distance, however as to how to reach her in her paranoia is another question.
Patience and caution in not allowing a co-dependent relationship to develop is my only advice.
By that I mean, don’t get caught up in ways to subscribe to her fears. Rather, this fear needs to be rejected in the kindest manner, but still rejected. She must not be allowed to fall into the comfort zone of her own mental instability. God Bless you in your friendship.

 

[Gertabelle]

I think your friend sounds like she has a mental illness, and I hope she’s under a doctor’s care.

As for you, although it may be difficult, don’t take her choices so personally. She really may not be able to see your point of view or be more “reasonable” in her approach to her friends and acquaintances. That’s part of mental illness. So don’t expect your words – as well-reasoned as they are – to have the same impact they would have on most other people. In other words, let go of trying to control her thoughts and actions.

If you are going to have a relationship with this woman, you may have to limit your expectations and your time with her. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing choice. Accept, if you can, that she’s different and likely always will be. Don’t try to change her, and don’t adopt her (trying to take care of all her relationship and emotional needs).

As Blessed Teresa of Calcutta used to say, this woman is Christ in His distressing disguise. If you can remain in a relationship with her, then by God’s grace you can serve Christ through your interactions with her. If you find you cannot remain in a relationship with her, then by God’s grace you can serve Christ through your prayers for her.

Either way, if you cooperate with God’s grace and act in His love, you will be greatly blessed through this!

God bless you.

Gertie

 

[Gertabelle]

My dearest wife who has a beautiful soul told me that everyone of us has room for one such friend. You must have her in your prayers first of all, as she obviously needs help. Don’t tire of her.
It is easy enough to give this advice from a distance, however as to how to reach her in her paranoia is another question.
Patience and caution in not allowing a co-dependent relationship to develop is my only advice.
By that I mean, don’t get caught up in ways to subscribe to her fears. Rather, this fear needs to be rejected in the kindest manner, but still rejected. She must not be allowed to fall into the comfort zone of her own mental instability. God Bless you in your friendship.

Very well said!

 

[tawny]

She needs our prayers. But there for the grace of God, could be any one of us at any time. Praying to St. Dymphna for her health & recovery.

 

[Allegra]

You said your piece about yoga and there isn’t much else you can do about it. I woulsd try to be supportive in other ways. It isn’t necessarily illegal for her to collect her pension and disability at the same time. It depends on the type of pension she has but if she wasn’t able to complete her vareer due to a disability, her pension is probably being recieved at a penalty and isn’t a living wage.

 

[maryjk]

Ok, I have a close friend who doesn’t want to let her friends who do yoga into her soon-to-be refurbished home.
She has bi-polar and gets both disability allowance plus a pension from her teaching career which ended due to a nervous breakdown a few years ago (she’s only 44 ) and she’s legally not supposed to be getting these two payments but has so far managed to get away with it. She goes into hospital every couple of years. She was abused as a child and has major trust issues, and has ruined all her relationships due to jealous and controlling behaviour.

I’m not sure what receiving two payments have to do with the rest of the story. Can you explain? Do you think she owes it to people to allow them into her home because you feel she is cheating the government?

Anyway, when she first told me about the yoga thing, I was trying to think of various options like a) telling her friends the truth or b) keeping holy water in the house entrance and blessing them on their way in, or c) saying the St. Michael prayer with the friend when they come in. She basically has it in her head that if she let’s these people into her home, they’ll leave bad spirits in the house because they do yoga. Yesterday I thought about it again and said that I think she should let her friends in, because as long as she doesn’t do yoga herself, she’s fine. I also made the point that she’s planning on allowing her parents in, despite the fact that they have Buddha statues. She said no no.

It is her choice. It may not make any sense to you, but that doesn’t mean that she is wrong. It could be that the person that abused her practiced Yoga or was Hindu.

I said she might become pre-occupied with the house and isolate herself. I also pointed out the fact that people could think the same about her: that she had sex outside of marriage and therefore could carry bad spirits. She couldn’t get the point I was trying to make about hypocrisy. She said that when she asked the local priest, he said she was paranoid. I told her that when the house is ready she should have a little party with her family and friends and they can see all her beautiful Crosses, statues, paintings etc. I told her to share her home, and share herself. She said no.
I’m getting sick of this girl. What do you guys think?

I think that I am confused why you keep pointing out this woman’s sins.

Just as a point of reference, do you practice Yoga?

 

[Joe_5859]

Very well said!

I agree. Her issues are a lot deeper than a paranoia about yoga (which, incidentally, is not intrinsically occultish; many people utilize yoga simply for exercise with no spiritual/new age overtones).

 

[Cricket2]

It is hard to deal with a person who suffers from mental illness. From what you say she is paranoid, and this may be part of her illness. I have found there is little you can do to change such a person’s perspective. She may in fact, eventually isolate herself, and you may not be able to prevent that. Pushing the issue will not help her.

As far as not being able to receive retirement monies and disability, I am not sure this is correct. She better be careful however, as they can and will eventually figure out if she is in fact committing fraud. They will make her pay every dime back, send her to jail and/or deny her any further benefits.

I am surprised she is not under a medical retirement of some sort. If I were you I would minimize any involvement with her money issues. You could land up getting accused of helping her and be in trouble yourself. Not a good place to be in.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Thanks for all the replies. The only reason I mentioned her fraud etc was to give a background picture that she’s not saintly and therefore can’t judge others for doing yoga, ie. how would she feel if one of her friends said: I don’t think you should come to my home because you steal and carry the spirit of stealing and you might leave that bad spirit in my house.
Also the fact that she doesn’t see the hypocrisy. She openly talks to me about having sex outside of marriage and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I haven’t told her she’s a hypocrite, I’ve just tried to make her see that she’s a sinner too. And I haven’t told any of her friends about this, although, she doesn’t actually have many friends at all and like I said, she’s ruined all previous relationships. But she won’t look in the mirror and take any responsibility herself for how her life has turned out. I haven’t had much contact with her the last few days and I feel better coz she was becoming very needy with me. Anytime we meet up it’s just long conversations about her ex and how badly he treated her, how she deserves someone much better and then she gets very jealous of women who appear to be content and happy and gifted. I gently said that apart from the fact that only God knows if a person is content, she should try to be happy for people who are happy, just like she would like people to be happy for her if she was happy. She said yeah and then continued berating this woman she’s insanely jealous of, coz she runs a charity shop, is a gifted painter, can speak in tongues and has a good looking bf. Ok, I admit we’d all like to be able to speak in tongues but we don’t all hate people who can.
The reason this is all getting to me so much is coz I really want to see her happy and no matter how much I try to help her, she’s unwilling to change. I feel like I’m letting God down by not helping her or abandoning her. But she, ironically, carries a very negative aura, and drains people. Thanks for all the prayers and advice.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ok, I have a close friend who doesn’t want to let her friends who do yoga into her soon-to-be refurbished home…
.
Anyway, when she first told me about the yoga thing, I was trying to think of various options like a) telling her friends the truth or b) keeping holy water in the house entrance and blessing them on their way in, or c) saying the St. Michael prayer with the friend when they come in. She basically has it in her head that if she let’s these people into her home, they’ll leave bad spirits in the house because they do yoga. Yesterday I thought about it again and said that I think she should let her friends in, because as long as she doesn’t do yoga herself, she’s fine…

I’m getting sick of this girl. What do you guys think?

What good were you planning on accomplishing by going around and telling the people she is not going to invite to her home that she’s not going to invite them? If she didn’t have any mental health issues, would you still give yourself room to be so bossy?

I bet she’s getting sick of your badgering, too. I’m guessing she does not want you farming out the question to people she doesn’t know, either. She can have anyone she wants as a guest and exclude anyone she wants. She has made up her mind and she does not want to discuss it.

It isn’t any of your business. You’ve had your say and she’s sticking to her guns. When she comes here asking whether she is paranoid or cautious, the question can be resurrected. Until then, drop it.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

It’s not pride. It’s love. Have the last 2 posters read the full thread? Monicad, why do you have such an uncharitable tone? We’re all Catholics, right? Or at least Christian. I have not been badgering her, she keeps asking me. Read the full thread before commenting. It’s irrelevant now anyway coz I’ve dealt with it. Thanks.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Easterjoy, I meant you we’re the one with the attitude, not the other one before you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m getting sick of this girl. What do you guys think?

I think this is your answer. I am not going to comment on how to help her or if you did a good job or not. However, when it gets to the point you are sick of it, to continue to try to help is pointless.

I would keep the conversation away from her issues or quit being around her.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easterjoy, I meant you we’re the one with the attitude, not the other one before you.

I’m not 100% sure what this post means, but I’m sorry if I misread your original statement of the question. I’m reading you now to mean not that you’re inserting yourself into this question, but that you’re being dragged into the middle and don’t know what to do. Sorry about that–yes, I was sloppy about my reading, in that case!

First off, you can decide if she’s being paranoid or cautious. Trust your sense of it; you know as well as we do! She is asking you, not us, because she values your opinion more!

It is a problem when a friend keeps badgering you for advice that you don’t think she’s going to want to hear. It puts you in a bad position, because it is not healthy for her to stick you with a decision that belongs to her and yet it doesn’t do to act as if you are equally fine with whatever she does.

First off, if you are sick about being badgered about a question that you’ve answered because the questioner is dithering around, you can say so–“we’ve been over this a thousand times, I’ve given you my opinion. You don’t like my opinion, that is fine, but asking me over and over is getting irritating. It is your decision, but we need to quit beating this to death. It is driving me nuts. Cut it out.”

Whatever you do, do not tell someone who is not being invited somewhere that they were cut off of some invitation list. That is not going to help. If they wonder, they can ask. What they don’t need, above all, is for you to openly notice they’ve been excluded. Either they know, and they don’t need to be reminded ,or else they don’t know and you’re stirring up a bee’s nest of hurt. Even if they ask you about the matter, you’ll do the best to stay out of it and direct them to the person who is making the decision–“whether I know the answer or not, I couldn’t tell you. I’d never talk about your hosting decisions behind your back and I can’t talk about her decisions behind her back. All I can do is to suggest you ask her directly.”

The other thing you can do is to refuse invitations issued by someone you think is being hurtful about how they issue invitations to that particular event. I don’t mean bullying your friend into writing her invitation list to suit you. I mean to avoid being complicit when you think someone is engaging in relational aggression. If you think someone is using to exclusion in a vindictive way, for instance, you can say, “That’s awful. I can’t be any part of that. If you’re going to do that, then I can’t come. Sorry, but I can’t be any part of that.” That, you can do.

What would I do? I’d tell her that I think she’s being too cautious, that she needs to be careful how she handles this, so she doesn’t hurt our friends’ feelings by excluding them, but in the end it is up to her who she invites to her house and why. Then let it go, and insist that she not keep returning in the hopes of extracting a different answer from me. It’s her crayon, she needs to draw the picture, and she needs to put her own name alone on the result.