Friend/parent problem

[fannypanny]

hey…im not too sure whether this thread should go in here or not…

but i mean - the friend who i am about 2 talk about is close enough to be family -
anyways… basically -

My very close friend is 20 and her parents treat her like a child still. i.e. she gets grounded for uni marks that are poor (poor meaning - credits or passes) or for not informing her father about every little thing or not cleaning her room etc.
The thing what I find to be the epitome of frustration - with my friend’s parents is that just yesterday my friend was coming over to help me out with this massive assessment. Her mother was talking to mine and my friend was helping me out. Her mother stayed for about 15mins and then was about to go home. Then my friend got a call from her mum in the car (just 15mins into helping me) and her mother told her that she had to come home. This was because her father was angry and that apparently my friend had not cleaned her room and not done chores. So my friend, apologetically said that I could come and get help from her in about another 2hrs. It threw my schedule out of wack because I had cancelled a few appointments for this. I felt angry and annoyed because this wasnt the first time that it had happened. I know that when my friend’s dad is annoyed or angry he can make it hard on the children sometimes.
It also happened on a similar occasion when I asked her to come to a dance class. She had told her mother that she was leaving. However, once she left and we were close to my dance skool, which is literally an hour a way from her house. Her mother told her dad - that she was at a dance class. Her dad calls her and begins yelling at my friend for going with me to a class. So basically, he made us turn around and drive all the way back home.
Even sometimes my friend is not allowed to go out with me when I invite her to go shopping in the day time and with another safe friend. However, she is allowed to clubbing with uni mates that she has only known for a few months and gets home at 3am in the morning (considering - that my friend usually gets smashed - which i think does not justify her parents giving her permission to go) . This frustrates me - that her parents will allow her to do this, but not allow me to go shopping or dance class or wtvr with her.
I have been her best friend for about 2yrs and I am only 2 yrs younger than her. However - this is getting so ridiculous.
Her parents need to stop treating her like a child because soon she will be married and be gone.
She NEVER stands up to her father - i dunt no why - when he makes it hard on the children. Now , it is not only affecting her but it affects the people around her - i.e. Me.
I dont appreciate this behaviour from her mother who dobbs her own children into the father. Nor do I like it when her father makes unjust calls and my friend suffers as a consequence.

I just want to know - what should i do?? my friend needs to stand up to her father. otherwise - i will, sooner or later and I dont think it is such a great idea because I dont want to start anything. This is absolutely frustrating me - any suggestions?? Is this behavior even normal??? My parents do not treat me like this…

• fanny

 

[BamaRider]

just want to know - what should i do??

Nothing. If you’re friend is living at home, going to school, and not complainin, why are YOU all upset?

You sure you’re not blowing this all out of proportion?

If I had a 20 year old daughter, ( I wish ) living at home, I’d want to know what she is doing, who she is with, and when she will be home. But I wouldn’t expect her to stand up her friends etc, she needs to work that out with her daddy.

I wouldn’t treat her like a child, but as long as I was paying her way, or her living in the family home, she would be accountable.

I know how I am about my young niece, I can’t imagine how’d I’d be in knots if I had a daughter LOL. I guess I’m just old fashioned.

 

[whatevergirl]

hey…im not too sure whether this thread should go in here or not…

but i mean - the friend who i am about 2 talk about is close enough to be family -
anyways… basically -

My very close friend is 20 and her parents treat her like a child still. i.e. she gets grounded for uni marks that are poor (poor meaning - credits or passes) or for not informing her father about every little thing or not cleaning her room etc.
The thing what I find to be the epitome of frustration - with my friend’s parents is that just yesterday my friend was coming over to help me out with this massive assessment. Her mother was talking to mine and my friend was helping me out. Her mother stayed for about 15mins and then was about to go home. Then my friend got a call from her mum in the car (just 15mins into helping me) and her mother told her that she had to come home. This was because her father was angry and that apparently my friend had not cleaned her room and not done chores. So my friend, apologetically said that I could come and get help from her in about another 2hrs. It threw my schedule out of wack because I had cancelled a few appointments for this. I felt angry and annoyed because this wasnt the first time that it had happened. I know that when my friend’s dad is annoyed or angry he can make it hard on the children sometimes.
It also happened on a similar occasion when I asked her to come to a dance class. She had told her mother that she was leaving. However, once she left and we were close to my dance skool, which is literally an hour a way from her house. Her mother told her dad - that she was at a dance class. Her dad calls her and begins yelling at my friend for going with me to a class. So basically, he made us turn around and drive all the way back home.
Even sometimes my friend is not allowed to go out with me when I invite her to go shopping in the day time and with another safe friend. However, she is allowed to clubbing with uni mates that she has only known for a few months and gets home at 3am in the morning (considering - that my friend usually gets smashed - which i think does not justify her parents giving her permission to go) . This frustrates me - that her parents will allow her to do this, but not allow me to go shopping or dance class or wtvr with her.
I have been her best friend for about 2yrs and I am only 2 yrs younger than her. However - this is getting so ridiculous.
Her parents need to stop treating her like a child because soon she will be married and be gone.
She NEVER stands up to her father - i dunt no why - when he makes it hard on the children. Now , it is not only affecting her but it affects the people around her - i.e. Me.
I dont appreciate this behaviour from her mother who dobbs her own children into the father. Nor do I like it when her father makes unjust calls and my friend suffers as a consequence.

I just want to know - what should i do?? my friend needs to stand up to her father. otherwise - i will, sooner or later and I dont think it is such a great idea because I dont want to start anything. This is absolutely frustrating me - any suggestions?? Is this behavior even normal??? My parents do not treat me like this…

• fanny

You can pray for your friend. That’s all you can do. I’m assuming her parents are paying for college, man, I can’t imagine treating my kids like this, just because I’m paying for college. If he isn’t paying…not sure why she would continue to live there, but it’s not really anything that you can change. It affects you personally, so that is why you are annoyed, and I understand. I probably wouldn’t make set plans, and break appts to do things with her, going forward. That is something YOU can control. I would be kind and polite to her…have fun with her. But, I wouldn’t make set arrangements with her, because it seems like she jumps when her dad calls, and you’ll continue to be disappointed. This, you can control.

She gets ‘smashed’ as you say, and sadly, it’s to drown out the problems she is having at home. I would be a good friend to her, she needs that right now. But, just don’t make set arrangements with her that you know might fall through. I feel bad for your friend.

 

[fannypanny]

Nothing. If you’re friend is living at home, going to school, and not complainin, why are YOU all upset?

You sure you’re not blowing this all out of proportion?

If I had a 20 year old daughter, ( I wish ) living at home, I’d want to know what she is doing, who she is with, and when she will be home. But I wouldn’t expect her to stand up her friends etc, she needs to work that out with her daddy.

I wouldn’t treat her like a child, but as long as I was paying her way, or her living in the family home, she would be accountable.

I know how I am about my young niece, I can’t imagine how’d I’d be in knots if I had a daughter LOL. I guess I’m just old fashioned.

yup, i am positively sure that I am not blowing this out of proportion. O yeah, i think it’s fair enough that she tells her parents where she is going, who she is with etc etc.

But I can’t stand it when she drops everything that she is doing to cater for the father’s needs (even if it is very inconvenient to get home or what not) . This has happened on several occasions. Then it is even more frustrating watching her parents pretending to be nice to me when they have just been nasty to my friend.

 

[fannypanny]

I’m assuming her parents are paying for college

well, she pays for half and her parents pay for half. But im sure before she ends up getting her masters - she will end up paying for the whole thing. Then I honestly hope she leaves home - i hate seeing her being controlled by her father.

She gets ‘smashed’ as you say, and sadly, it’s to drown out the problems she is having at home. I would be a good friend to her, she needs that right now. But, just don’t make set arrangements with her that you know might fall through. I feel bad for your friend.

yeah, I came to the conclusion that the reason for her behavior is due to her parents insanity.

but honestly - I want to tell my friend that she needs to voice her own opinion and to stop racing after her father’s EVERY want! Am I right in doing that?? (that is even if i can’t blow up at her father)
Because she too, is technically an adult with a life!

 

[whatevergirl]

well, she pays for half and her parents pay for half. But im sure before she ends up getting her masters - she will end up paying for the whole thing. Then I honestly hope she leaves home - i hate seeing her being controlled by her father.

yeah, I came to the conclusion that the reason for her behavior is due to her parents insanity.

but honestly - I want to tell my friend that she needs to voice her own opinion and to stop racing after her father’s EVERY want! Am I right in doing that?? (that is even if i can’t blow up at her father)
Because she too, is technically an adult with a life!

**I have been known to offer unsolicited advice to family and friends…lol Sometimes, my advice was heeded, and other times, not. And sometimes, I was told to mind my own business. But, it’s hard to see a good friend be mistreated like that. I grew up in a very angry household. Not sure how else to put that. My sister who raised me, tried her best (our parents passed when I was a kid) but she was always angry, and down. You always felt like what you were doing or saying was never quite right. I hightailed it out of there when I was a sophomore in college. I told her I loved her, but could not longer be the brunt of her anger. I know now that it wasn’t me, it was more a marriage and other things that she never dealt with. And her dad could be hurting also, in ways you and even she might know nothing about. So, while you can offer advice, even if not asked, know that she might not listen…
she might want to, but that is her dad…

I pray that her dad softens his heart and allows his daughter to grow up. I think he’s scared to let his baby grow up, and the sadness of it all, comes out in anger. That’s my guess.

Now don’t you feel compassion for the dad?

Sometimes, when you look at things through another lense, compassion overtakes you. But, I still feel bad for your friend, he doesn’t seem like he allows her to have a life.

Praying for your friend!**

 

[unworthy]

Be wary of culture. Culture is very important here it seems to me. The way my parents approach me will be differnt from the way your parents approach you. My parents are not of the North American culture; the way families interact in another culture can be different from yours. But not necessarily wrong at all. Be very sensitive to this and try not to impose your own cultural values on hers. Overprotectiveness, discipline, etc, varies culturally. So again, be very understanding where this is concerned because it seems to me that from the way her parents are acting, they exhibit a lot of what my parents exhibit simply because they come from a different culture. And the way they react is not necessarily wrong.

 

[aggiecatholic05]

all things aside, as an adult if she lives in her parents home she lives by their rules. plain and simple. even if she paid room board its just part of her ‘lease’. if SHE wants the independence then she has to work for it by branching out. student loans suck, but if you balance what a degree is worth versus what you spend its just a few years to pay them off(speaking as someone nearing the 100K mark).

so if you really feel she is being mistreated(abused or used) speak to her and try to help. if you just dont see how anyone could stand it and assume she is unhappy with the overall situation then just say an extra prayer for her and let it go.

 

[fannypanny]

well…from what iv seen i know that part of her dad’s rules are due to culture. I won’t name the ethnic group but a few of my other friends parents can be like this - ie - when they get ''bad marks (lower than 80% - totally ridiculous)." But the standing up friends constantly - i think that can’t be a culture thing - it has got to be rudness!! I’m sorry, I’m venting but im really tired of her dad’s spontaneous outbursts. Yes my friend often does not like doing this too me - but she always reminds me that it’s not her making the decision but her dad.

I understand that as long as she lives under her parents roof, she must obey the rules. But i dont think it is fair for her to be allowed to go with uni mates out to the city at all hours of the night for a couple of drinks. While, the only times i am allowed to go with her to the city is during the day and with one of my parents. Im only a little less than 2yrs younger than her and - honestly this is getting ridiculous. I have known her even more longer than most of her uni friends. I remember the excuse that her dad pulled on me when we were planning to hang out - ‘o it’s terrorist tuesday’ - apparantly the day when most terrrorists would attack. ok - i think that is blatantly stupid personally. Similarily on another occasion - we couldn’t hang out - he said that my friend would get menigaccocal if she went dancing with me.
Im sorry to vent yet again…but im soo sick of these excuses! I need to do something soon - i cant stand my friend going along with her father’s mood!!
Then, i hate it when he pretends that he never did anything. Im praying for her but i think it is also time to face the problem!!

 

[choirnut]

There are many different ways parents raise their children, mostly because we see it that way. In our eyes, what we may see as wrong, may be right for the others. There may also be other hidden situations that we are unaware of.

Perhaps what you have been trying to do and getting her to be more as you wish has already offered negativity between her and her family. Its not your fault because you are trying to do what you know may be best for her. However, her parents may be trying to do what they feel is best for her.

Offer your friend everyday prayer and your full support and let her know you are always there for her. Trying to get her to do something against the wishes of her parents can have negative effects on her, and may not turn out the way you feel they will.

Compassion is the key word here…

 

[unworthy]

fannypanny,
how are you doing with the situation you have with your friend’s parents. Any updates?

 

[fannypanny]

fannypanny,
how are you doing with the situation you have with your friend’s parents. Any updates?

well… ok so far i havent had anymore issues with her parents because I haven’t hung out with her in the past week and a bit.
but over the fone i did tell her that if she had an issue with her parents irrational decision - to talk it out with them! mm…but she sort of defended the situation with - thats how my parents are. (but what I said was really a side by comment, but after my exams which begin in a wk and end a month i can see if she has bothered to do anything about her situation). Thats what iv just left it at…but yeah - il decide my next step when i next hang out.

 

[fannypanny]

o…i forgot to add…
my mother wants to step into the whole situation too. which is slightly worrisome because although my friend’s parents’ behavior affects me - it also indirectly affects my own rents (i.e. -transport [because I havent bothered to get my license] etc etc). My mom said to me yesterday, ‘I’m not afraid of A’s dad, I will tell him what i think, once you have finished your exams.’
ah…so yeah, im not entirely sure about letting my mom say that and I think i would rather do the talking if i were to face her parents.

 

[fannypanny]

ok…im sorry to resurrect this thread!!
but i found the right time to at length discuss this issue.

I found out that she pays half her Uni fees. And she has a 4.0 average. She works 3 part time jobs and does full time uni + cleans the house from top to bottom every freaking day of the week. yes, a little insane but her parents are like that. Does she have any say in her household because she pays for half her living expenses??? Does standing up to her parents really have anything to do with her stupid living expenses!!!

ok, so basically today i exploded at her about her rents. This sudden urge came on because she told me that she got GROUNDED because the computer and speaker wires were tangled. and apparently that could start a fire!! Thats what her Dad’s excuse was (what bullocks). My friend just sat there and accepted that and basically AGAIN she cancelled my plans. This is the 2nd time in a row in 2 days that she has cancelled because of her parents spontaneous stupid moods!!!
ok…she is 20 for crying out loud. doesnt she have any say!! Far out, I told her to move and get out!!! I suggested - student accomodation, apartments, sharing a house. because honestly, her freaking dad’s attitude is getting to me. she said that she wants to move but she hinted there wood be strings attached. (for instance - prob her rents would make her come home just to clean the house). and also, she doesnt want to have 2 pay for rent at this moment. but im sure if she stopped buying designer clothes - she would have enough dough to pay for student rent. i hate seeing her suffer and i hate having to see others suffer because of it!! Iv also told her to start sticking up for herself - she has only taken this lightly on board. So she hasnt exactly put this into practice yet. Am i going insane??? am i right in what im telling her??? Im just sooooooooooooooo sick of her dad’s attitude.

what in pete’s sake can i do??
mm…im sorry, i just had to vent about it!!!
This is getting to the point of unbearable now!! i swear, if she doesn’t start doing anything - i will go and tell her dad off myself!!!

 

[VivienneJ]

Fannypanny, first let me say I understand your frustration. It seems that you and your friend have been raised very, very differently.

But I want to suggest some other ways of looking at your friend’s problems. I had a very authoritarian dad, and believe me, standing up to him was a very, very, very difficult, emotional and draining exercise. It was easier just to put up with his demands. This may be what your friend feels as well, even though she acknowledges to you that she is not totally happy with the situation.

Then my mother was very manipulative and liked to get her own way. Again it was much, much easier just to give in and do what she wanted.

I was in my early 30s (a wife and mother of 2 children) before I could really acknowledge the truth of my family’s dynamics and truly live an adult life separate from my parents’ demands and expectations.

Pray for your friend, but accept that she may not be ready yet to challenge her family. Do not force her into this position, she needs to be strong and confident in herself before she does this; and when she does she will need a good, strong support system of friends and possibly even counsellors.

 

[cthulhubryan]

I wouldn’t treat her like a child, but as long as I was paying her way, or her living in the family home, she would be accountable.

I know how I am about my young niece, I can’t imagine how’d I’d be in knots if I had a daughter LOL. I guess I’m just old fashioned.

I have daughters. They are a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse

A daughter is the most precious thing in the world and it is totally unfair that they grow up. But thems the facts of life. Even mine at 16 wants to be freer than I’d like.

Her father’s attitude is understandable to a point. I’m assuming by your user name that you are female? Much less understandable then, because it is boys that are the enemy

Pray for her and her father. I can assure you that letting your girls go is the hardest thing any father ever has to do. Nothing good comes of it (until grandkids, but not until the daughter is 25 or 40)