JamesG:
I have a friend that recently told me not to get married to a modern woman. He said you will get nothing from her sexually.
When one focuses on what one
gets from their spouse rather than what they can
give to their spouse, one has a wrong-headed idea of marriage.
Marriage is a Sacrament. At its heart is a
giving of self as Christ gave himself up for his Bride, the Church.
Your friend is focused on the wrong thing if he’s focused on “what’s in it for me”. And, also, if he married to get sex-- he married for the wrong reason.
JamesG:
He told me only to marry an Italian / traditional girl because she will at least continue to show affection for you. She will even cook you something.
Marrying an “Italian” girl (whatever that means) is no guarantee of a happy marriage. Marrying a “traditional” girl is not necessarily a guarantee either.
**Marrying a person who
shares your values and vision of marriage is important. **
The root of disappointment an disillusion is
unmet expectations. I pose to you that it is unmet expectations that has your friend ready to give up on marriage. And, I would further pose that this is probably because he did not discuss the roles and expectations before getting married. He did not seek out a woman who shared his values and vision of marriage.
In summary, he chose poorly.
JamesG:
He said that women today are tainted by feminism and you have to watchout for that.
There are many men who
desire what your friend calls a “modern” woman-- a feminist who will go out and break the glass ceiling, bring home $100K per year, and have some fascinating Cosmo sex move at night. The type of man who desires this type of woman would be disappointed in a woman who wanted to stay home, bake cookies, and have lots of babies.
There are also women who are influenced by feminist thinking, the culture at large, and also shaped by the mistreatment they’ve had at the hands of men in some cases.
As in all things, there are extremes at both ends of the spectrum. You cannot make any sort of generalization about women as you are attempting to do.
JamesG:
After he told me how she is treating him I tried to consider how I would react. My first gut reaction would be to buy another bed and sleep in it alone. There wouldn’t be much difference because I would feel alone anyway even while I slept beside her.
You don’t give any examples, so I cannot comment on what she may or may not be doing.
However, she did not just manifest this behavior overnight. She likely was like this all along. If she was not, then something has happened to change her attitude and behavior.
And, while he’s busy pointing his finger at her, he has three fingers pointed back at himself. Has he examined what he has done (or not done) to contribute to the current state of his marriage?
JamesG:
I tried to tell him that he doesn’t deserve it. But I didn’t want to kick a man while he was down by saying anything more. I’m afraid he is going to just leave his wife or do something worse. I joked with him and told him just to get her drunk.
Again you don’t state what she has ‘done’. Although I surmise it has something to do with lack of sex. Well, more info is necessary. Perhaps they have an unequal drive-- he thinks he’s deprived and she thinks nothing is wrong. Perhaps she’s depressed or on medication that takes her out of the mood. Perhaps she’s overwhelmed with work, house, etc.
You don’t give enough info to make a good assessment. Perhaps she’s not getting her emotional needs met, and is using withholding sex as a way to change
his behavior. A childish game of chicken ensues on both sides.
There are a couple of good books on the subject I can recommend:
His Needs, Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
JamesG:
I guess I just don’t understand why a woman would not want to make her man happy. Maybe she is far to selfish.
And, why don’t we hear about the man wanting to make his woman happy? You have a fairly one-sided view of marriage. It is a two way street. Most women
do want to make their man happy. Some don’t know how. Some build up resentment because their husband does not know how to meet their needs. Some couples don’t communicate well.
JamesG:
Is it true that women really become that selfish after they get married? What is the point of getting married to a modern woman if she is incapable of showing affection toward you?
You cannot make this sort of assessment of
all women or even “feminist” women or “traditional” women. Specific women, in specific circumstances, may act selfishly, may not show affection, etc. But, no, you cannot make such a statement about all women.
You are in my prayers!
