Friend situation

[HNA444]

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 3 years. We aren’t super close, but since the winter time we have been hanging out a lot on weekends. She is kind of secretive, because i feel like i talk most of the time and about my experiences, opinion, etc. I always start the conversation, and i don’t mind but i just feel like she is one of those people who is “too nice” and doesn’t give her own opinion, or talk about her past. She doesn’t have many friends, and i think it’s because she is very quiet, shy and she acts veryy professioal and mature - and when you are hanging out with girls you just want to be more laid back and have fun. She has some health issues, and she moves really slowly and she says it’s because she has low blood circulation. Anyway, my issue is, I have a few other people i hang out with also and i feel bad if i don’t invite her or if i say no to her and hang out with someone else. I don’t mind asking her to come, but sometimes honestly she’s just kind of boring and way too shy. And, if i talk to other people i think she will think i;m rude. Our personalities are just different. Any advice on what i should do?

 

[mdrummer5]

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 3 years. We aren’t super close, but since the winter time we have been hanging out a lot on weekends. She is kind of secretive, because i feel like i talk most of the time and about my experiences, opinion, etc. I always start the conversation, and i don’t mind but i just feel like she is one of those people who is “too nice” and doesn’t give her own opinion, or talk about her past. She doesn’t have many friends, and i think it’s because she is very quiet, shy and she acts veryy professioal and mature - and when you are hanging out with girls you just want to be more laid back and have fun. She has some health issues, and she moves really slowly and she says it’s because she has low blood circulation. Anyway, my issue is, I have a few other people i hang out with also and i feel bad if i don’t invite her or if i say no to her and hang out with someone else. I don’t mind asking her to come, but sometimes honestly she’s just kind of boring and way too shy. And, if i talk to other people i think she will think i;m rude. Our personalities are just different. Any advice on what i should do?

The only advice I can offer is to stop thinking on it so much.

I think it’s good that you’re sensitive to her feelings when you say you don’t want to hang out with her or that you have plans with other friends but there’s no reason in the world you should feel bad for either unless you’re lying about it which does not appear to be the case.

If SHE feels bad when you don’t hang out with her or gets offended that’s on her. You are your own person and are under no obligation to hang out with any particular person.

 

[HNA444]

The only advice I can offer is to stop thinking on it so much.

I think it’s good that you’re sensitive to her feelings when you say you don’t want to hang out with her or that you have plans with other friends but there’s no reason in the world you should feel bad for either unless you’re lying about it which does not appear to be the case.

If SHE feels bad when you don’t hang out with her or gets offended that’s on her. You are your own person and are under no obligation to hang out with any particular person.

Thanks! No i never lie about it, I tell her if i’m going with someone else but that’s why i feel bad. She doesn’t really have other people to go out with on weekends, maybe her cousin or sister sometimes, but not really on weekends. I just thought maybe i was being selfish because i have more fun if i’m with one of my other friend, and not invite her.

 

[purplesunshine]

We all have different friend circles. Most of mine are divided geographically, but even when they aren’t it dosn’t automatically mean that others are invited along. Sometimes I invite people over and can’t include everyone because of space limitations. When I do come up with a list, it may not be all my favorite people but it may be a combination of personalites that get along best I don’t offer an ysort of sonsolation prize to those I don’t choose for a particular party, but that’s life.

Even if I get married and am promised to that person for the rest of time, i do not plan on including him in every outing, just like I would want him to have friends of his own.

 

[valentino]

If you think she’s too shy u have to decide if you like her enough to accept it or not.Does she really like you and serious?if not just go out with your friends and it wont bother her if she’s a logical and sensible girl.If she’s cares for u I don;t have an answer for how u should best deal with this situation.

 

[underacloud]

I have a terribly shy and socially awkward friend who just doesn’t mix well with my other friends. I just spend time with that person separately.

That particular friend did not have a lot of other friends, and at times I felt some weight on me as their only real social outlet. But as he became more self confident over time he developed new circles of friends; actually, to the point where he no longer has much time for me.

 

[OrangeOwl]

I have a terribly shy and socially awkward friend who just doesn’t mix well with my other friends. I just spend time with that person separately.

That particular friend did not have a lot of other friends, and at times I felt some weight on me as their only real social outlet. But as he became more self confident over time he developed new circles of friends; actually, to the point where he no longer has much time for me.

I think this is an important point to highlight.

HNA444, you have an unhappy situation for everyone involved. I won’t ask you to force yourself to hang out with someone you don’t particularly like, but just to consider how you can turn this situation into an act of charity and really help someone.

She probably won’t think of you as rude to invite her along with your other friends, even if you don’t talk to her that much. She might be just happy to invited to be with a group. As a practical matter, how else is she supposed to grow in social skills if she isn’t invited to more social environments? Frankly, it doesn’t sound like she’s had many chances to be exposed to those sort of situations. If you invite her, she might grow more confident and express herself more.

 

[HNA444]

I think this is an important point to highlight.

HNA444, you have an unhappy situation for everyone involved. I won’t ask you to force yourself to hang out with someone you don’t particularly like, but just to consider how you can turn this situation into an act of charity and really help someone.

She probably won’t think of you as rude to invite her along with your other friends, even if you don’t talk to her that much. She might be just happy to invited to be with a group. As a practical matter, how else is she supposed to grow in social skills if she isn’t invited to more social environments? Frankly, it doesn’t sound like she’s had many chances to be exposed to those sort of situations. If you invite her, she might grow more confident and express herself more.

You’re right and that’s why i feel bad, because i think that’s more kind of me to do. But, the thing is, sometimes i just want to have fun and not worry or feel obligated to make sure she’s having fun. It’s like I always have to be the leader and decide what to do, where to walk, etc. and it gets annoying, and that’s why I like just going to dinner or coffee with her by ourselves instead, but she doesn’t want to go to dinner all the time. I don’t mind inviting her if we are in a big group, but if it’s just me, a friend and her it gets awkward. I feel bad saying that,. but that’s how I feel.

 

[Love_Divine]

Your friend is probably just more introverted and you’re more extroverted. Don’t completely ditch her, but continue to find things that you can do together.

Unless you’re being mean about it, or harboring resentful feelings towards her, don’t feel bad about not always calling her, but don’t ditch her. Some people prefer to have less friends and spend time away from large groups of people, as they find it very tiring.

 

[puzzleannie]

I I don’t mind asking her to come, but sometimes honestly she’s just kind of boring and way too shy. And, if i talk to other people i think she will think i;m rude. Our personalities are just different. Any advice on what i should do?

the next time you are in a social situation put her needs first, not your own.
when deciding whether or not to invite her out, put her needs and wishes first, not your own.
If she is more comfortables spending time with you one on one, make time for that. If she just likes to be part of the group even though she does not seem to participate in conversation, invite her and let it be her choice if she comes. (let her know if there will be challenges hard on her, stairs or whatever, so she can choose).

 

[HNA444]

the next time you are in a social situation put her needs first, not your own.
when deciding whether or not to invite her out, put her needs and wishes first, not your own.
If she is more comfortables spending time with you one on one, make time for that. If she just likes to be part of the group even though she does not seem to participate in conversation, invite her and let it be her choice if she comes. (let her know if there will be challenges hard on her, stairs or whatever, so she can choose).

I understand that I could be nicer , but why should I put her needs before my own? She’s not a family member of mine or someone who would do that for me.
Do you think I’m being selfish by not wanting to invite her?