Friend trouble? don't know what to do?

[anon98328916]

I have been friends with a girl for 10 years and this last couple of years she has changed. There is a group of us and we always went to bars together and went on holiday and trips so we were close. A few years ago she started to not want to go out with us or meet up to catchup and we only saw her maybe three times a year, we don’t know what is wrong or happened and we have asked her numerous times what’s wrong and she says nothing everything is fine. We all get the vibe she makes things up to not go out with us and things but we don’t know why. There have been other issues over Christmas aswell but to shorten a long story we went out with her to a few bars the other night and at the end of the night I said to her again about her behaviour and what is up were had a bit of an argument (both had drink taken) and I am worried should I text her or just leave it cause of everything she has done? Am I worrying about nothing? What would u do?

 

[pensmama87]

People grow apart, find new interests, etc. The bar scene gets old really quick for some people. If that’s all you do with her and she doesn’t like it as much as she once did, then she’s not going to do it as much.

Another thing could be that it just doesn’t fit - either work, family, or other obligation. Or it’s too expensive (and it is very costly to go out to bars for entertainment, ditto vacationing.) She may not be poor, but just choosing to spend her money differently.

If she says there’s no problem, believe her. Hassling her about it won’t help. If you want to spend more time together, try inviting her to do something else. If she’s declining those invites too, then you know.

 

[1ke]

I am worried should I text her or just leave it cause of everything she has done?

She hasn’t “done” anything.

You have an expectation of her and she isn’t meeting it. That is your issue, not hers. It may be your expectation that needs adjusting, not her.

Look, people grow apart. People’s interests change. Maybe going to bars isn’t appealing to her anymore. Maybe she has new friends. Maybe she’s just moved on.

Am I worrying about nothing? What would u do?

Just move on. Invite her if you want to, and if she doesn’t come then that’s OK. Or, don’t invite her and wait for her to contact you.

My advice… Let it go.

 

[Lorelei12]

If I went out with friends who harassed me about not meeting their friendship expectations, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them either.

Nobody owes an explanation as to why they do not want to meet up on any particular occasion. “No, but thanks for inviting me” is all that is necessary. If you and your friends have continually made her feel like she owes you some kind of reason, maybe she’s tired of it. Maybe she is dealing with an illness or other personal problems that you don’t know about.

Invite her out if you want, but if she declines, be polite and say “okay, maybe next time!”. If she does go out, enjoy the time you have together.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Time changes everything. Nothing is static. We become older, wiser, more mature, and in many cases, more spiritual. Why are you trying to put her on the spot? Where is the joy in drinking anyway. Let her find her footing in life. You might want to reconsider the bar scene yourself. Couldn’t you and your friends find other enjoyable activities such as a dinner out, a good movie…and heaven forbid!!!..some charitable service? Challenge yourselves and do some good with the money that you spend at a bar. Just saying. Peace.

 

[Lou2U]

She hasn’t “done” anything.

You have an expectation of her and she isn’t meeting it. That is your issue, not hers. It may be your expectation that needs adjusting, not her.

Look, people grow apart. People’s interests change. Maybe going to bars isn’t appealing to her anymore. Maybe she has new friends. Maybe she’s just moved on.

Just move on. Invite her if you want to, and if she doesn’t come then that’s OK. Or, don’t invite her and wait for her to contact you.

My advice… Let it go.

Yes.

Have you tried inviting her to do other things with you? Maybe she would prefer to see you one on one, instead of with a large group?

Lou

 

[anon98328916]

If I went out with friends who harassed me about not meeting their friendship expectations, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them either.

Nobody owes an explanation as to why they do not want to meet up on any particular occasion. “No, but thanks for inviting me” is all that is necessary. If you and your friends have continually made her feel like she owes you some kind of reason, maybe she’s tired of it. Maybe she is dealing with an illness or other personal problems that you don’t know about.

Invite her out if you want, but if she declines, be polite and say “okay, maybe next time!”. If she does go out, enjoy the time you have together.

Nearly everything you have mentioned I have thought and I was very understanding with her for a long time but there is a lot more to this than I have mentioned and I just feel why did she bother being friends with us for ten years if that’s how she feels.

 

[anon98328916]

Yes.

Have you tried inviting her to do other things with you? Maybe she would prefer to see you one on one, instead of with a large group?

Lou

Yes I have asked her to meet for lunch or a coffee but she always says then she would prefer going out to a bar…I’m puzzled then as she doesn’t like that either but it’s almost like she would prefer it to meeting for coffee! I really don’t know anymore…

 

[anon98328916]

If I went out with friends who harassed me about not meeting their friendship expectations, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them either.

Nobody owes an explanation as to why they do not want to meet up on any particular occasion. “No, but thanks for inviting me” is all that is necessary. If you and your friends have continually made her feel like she owes you some kind of reason, maybe she’s tired of it. Maybe she is dealing with an illness or other personal problems that you don’t know about.

Invite her out if you want, but if she declines, be polite and say “okay, maybe next time!”. If she does go out, enjoy the time you have together.

“If I went out with friends who harassed me about not meeting their friendship expectations, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them either.*”
This has been going on for a few years now. It didn’t matter what we invited her to be it lunch, cinema, sports etc she always declined but one of my friends has a male friend she likes and if he is going she will go flying then! That is another reason why we are annoyed with her.

"Nobody owes an explanation as to why they do not want to meet up on any particular occasion. “No, but thanks for inviting me” is all that is necessary. If you and your friends have continually made her feel like she owes you some kind of reason, maybe she’s tired of it. Maybe she is dealing with an illness or other personal problems that you don’t know about. "

Maybe so but when it’s an excuse all the time alarms bells start to go. We have made her feel that why we have been very good friends to her and would have done anything for her. I have asked her before was she ok and was anything wrong…but we can tell she isn’t being honest with us.

Invite her out if you want, but if she declines, be polite and say “okay, maybe next time!”. If she does go out, enjoy the time you have together."

We have said that’s fine hopefully see you soon for a few years now, when she does meet us so acts like she doesn’t want to be their or catchup with us.

 

[1ke]

I just feel why did she bother being friends with us for ten years if that’s how she feels.

It’s clear you are hurt that she no longer wants to be close friends and do things as she once did.

That does not mean that at the time she was not truly your friend or did not really want to be friends with you.

Things change. You have an expectation that thing will stay as they were, but that is not reasonable. You will make new friends, some of those will come and go.

You will grow apart from friends, and new ones will enter your life many times. What you have to learn is that it is not about you. It’s not something you did or something they did. It’s just part of life.

 

[Lou2U]

I think 1ke is right. You sound as though you’ve just grown apart.

Try not to focus on it - I know it’s hard, but truly, don’t worry about it. If you go out, invite her, but don’t think too much into it if she says no. Carry on with your other friends, and enjoy their company.

Lou

 

[crystal_waters]

I have been friends with a girl for 10 years and this last couple of years she has changed. There is a group of us and we always went to bars together and went on holiday and trips so we were close. A few years ago she started to not want to go out with us or meet up to catchup and we only saw her maybe three times a year, we don’t know what is wrong or happened and we have asked her numerous times what’s wrong and she says nothing everything is fine. We all get the vibe she makes things up to not go out with us and things but we don’t know why. There have been other issues over Christmas aswell but to shorten a long story we went out with her to a few bars the other night and at the end of the night I said to her again about her behaviour and what is up were had a bit of an argument (both had drink taken) and I am worried should I text her or just leave it cause of everything she has done? Am I worrying about nothing? What would u do?

Maybe she doesn’t want that lifestyle anymore (hanging out at bars) and is therefore limiting her time with the group of friends…can you find out what things she likes going? (watching movies, going out for dinner,seeing a play, going to a spa for beauty treatments etc) and then try inviting her to something she would like and see if she accepts…

Another thought could be that she may have issues with alcohol (alcoholism :-either her or her family )that she may not want anybody to know about and she may not feel comfortable being out at bars and therefore turns down your invitations…