Friend's Birthday Dinner

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A friend of mine is having a birthday dinner this Saturday, and she said she is inviting about 10 people. Not sure how many are actually going to attend. I do want to go, but problem is sometimes with these birthday dinners, everyone splits the bill where we all pay the same amount so that the birthday girl doesn’t pay anything. I don’t mind, but first i don’t drink alcohol really, if I do it’s wine and very occasionally. Second, I usually order a salad (not the side salad types 🙂 lol) but they are still not pricey compared to other dishes. I only know 2
other girls who are going to be there but I’m not close with them, I’ve just met them couple times. So, I don’t know how the whole bill thing will Go, as I know my friend loves to drink and I’m sure the other girls will too, and that makes the bill a lot higher. Right now, I am not working… I had an interview today and a few more interviews coming up, so I’m hopeful I will find something soon, but I really don’t know. And, I can’t afford to spend a lot right now. I am ok right now with money, but I am watching what I spend and I’m not sure going to this dinner is smart to spend money on. My sister told me to just show up later, after the dinner, as they will still be celebrating since this place is a lounge/socializing type of place. I’m thinking about doing that, but don’t want my friend to think I’m being cheap, which I think she might think that. Im also thinking maybe I could buy her a small gift if I don’t go to
The dinner. Any advice? What would any of you do?
 
Either show up late and buy her a small gift (and with an excuse, it’s never really seen as “cheap” to show up to a bar a couple hours late), or use venmo. I really can’t recommend the app highly enough. I go out pretty often and I always suggest it because a lot of places won’t split checks by item, and I really like to try the expensive house specialty cocktails when I go somewhere new. I wouldn’t dream of splitting a bill down the middle with a wine and salad person, so it saves me from feeling like I need to cover all but the tip.
 
HNA444 said:
A friend of mine is having a birthday dinner this Saturday, and she said she is inviting about 10 people. Not sure how many are actually going to attend. I do want to go, but problem is sometimes with these birthday dinners, everyone splits the bill where we all pay the same amount so that the birthday girl doesn’t pay anything. I don’t mind, but first i don’t drink alcohol really, if I do it’s wine and very occasionally. Second, I usually order a salad (not the side salad types 🙂 lol) but they are still not pricey compared to other dishes. I only know 2
other girls who are going to be there but I’m not close with them, I’ve just met them couple times. So, I don’t know how the whole bill thing will Go, as I know my friend loves to drink and I’m sure the other girls will too, and that makes the bill a lot higher. Right now, I am not working… I had an interview today and a few more interviews coming up, so I’m hopeful I will find something soon, but I really don’t know. And, I can’t afford to spend a lot right now. I am ok right now with money, but I am watching what I spend and I’m not sure going to this dinner is smart to spend money on. My sister told me to just show up later, after the dinner, as they will still be celebrating since this place is a lounge/socializing type of place. I’m thinking about doing that, but don’t want my friend to think I’m being cheap, which I think she might think that. Im also thinking maybe I could buy her a small gift if I don’t go to
The dinner. Any advice? What would any of you do?
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In my experience, these things go one of two ways. Either someone gets the bill and says, “Okay, everyone owes $54” or else everyone looks at the bill and tosses in what they think the owe plus extra to cover the birthday girl. The latter only works if the people are, in general, not stingy or pinching pennies (because everyone underestimates how much tipping ought to be). So one potential solution (and it’s not the one I recommend) is to go, order your salad, grab the bill when it comes and say something like, “Okay, looks like I owe $15 plus an extra $5 for the birthday girl!” and then pass the bill to the next person.

That would make me more nervous. So I think I would either go, knowing that I might be asked to contribute more than my fair share (and I don’t drink either, so I get you), or do as your sister suggested. I don’t think it’ll look cheap to show up later than everyone, but it may look like you were prioritizing something else (unless it happens to be on a weeknight). If you do plan on showing up late, I would tell the hostess ahead of time (don’t just not show on time) and then come with a small token gift for the birthday girl, “Sorry I missed dinner! How was the food?”
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Either show up late and buy her a small gift (and with an excuse, it’s never really seen as “cheap” to show up to a bar a couple hours late), or use venmo. I really can’t recommend the app highly enough. I go out to a lot of places with friends and I always suggest it because a lot of places won’t split checks by item, and I really like to try the expensive house specialty cocktails when I go somewhere new. I wouldn’t dream of splitting a bill down the middle with a wine and salad person, so it saves me from feeling like I need to cover all but the tip.
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Doesn’t venmo require somebody to “request” how much money is owed? Wouldn’t that be the same as someone dividing the bill and telling everyone what their portion cost?
 
nodito said:
Doesn’t venmo require somebody to “request” how much money is owed? Wouldn’t that be the same as someone dividing the bill and telling everyone what their portion cost?
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Yes, it allows you to split by item. The problem with everyone throwing in what they owe is that many people don’t carry cash, and some bars and restaurants won’t itemize checks. You can pay with multiple cards, but they’ll all be charged the same.
 
Thanks everyone! I am thinking to do as some of you suggested, and just show up late with a small gift. But, I am going to now have to think of something to say (that’s not a lie) as to why I’m going to be late. I could say that my mom is making dinner and I’ll be eating at home, which usually my mom makes dinner every day almost anyways. But, i don’t know, I know she will say something like ‘just come to the dinner and you don’t have to eat.’
 
Or I could just go, carry cash with me and just throw in my part and then some
For the birthday girl. But, sometimes someone might grab the bill and just tell everyone wht to put. I personally would rather just show up after the dinner anyway, but I just have to think what to say.
 
I remember being in a similar situation when I was looking for work and ended up subsidising other (wealthier) people who ordered a lot more than me. I would be very tempted to just bring enough cash for your dinner, tip and to help cover the birthday meal. You don’t owe these people your money.
 
I’m thinking about doing that, but don’t want my friend to think I’m being cheap, which I think she might think that.
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If someone is really your friend, you can be honest with that person. You are out of a job and have limited cash.
 
I agree…why go through the hoops of making up excuses when simply being honest is perfectly acceptable? All you need to say i that you are currently between jobs and can’t afford nights out until you get a new one…no need to complicate the issue, and any real friend would be entirely sympathetic…
 
Just tell your friend the truth! You are a grown up person. Friends understand these things and if they don’t, they are not friends. Tell your friend you cannot afford to spend money right now and you will have to pass on dinner and meet up towards the end of dinner to celebrate with her. You look forward to celebrating her birthday, you just need to be mindful of your current budget. A card will do as well, you don’t have to bring a gift.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
You don’t owe these people your money.
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Isn’t that the truth!

OP you can also tell your friend that the past practice of splitting the. I’ll equally isn’t working for you and you will be paying for your own dinner plus contributing $X towards hers (or not-- who invites people to dinner and then expects them to pay anyway???). Be up front and firm.

You can also tell the waitress when you get there that you would like your own check. Call ahead and see if the restaurant does separate checks-- but I’ve almost never encountered one that won’t.
 
1ke said:
Isn’t that the truth!

OP you can also tell your friend that the past practice of splitting the. I’ll equally isn’t working for you and you will be paying for your own dinner plus contributing $X towards hers (or not-- who invites people to dinner and then expects them to pay anyway???). Be up front and firm.

You can also tell the waitress when you get there that you would like your own check. Call ahead and see if the restaurant does separate checks-- but I’ve almost never encountered one that won’t.
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👍
 
Or you can ask for a separate bill because you have to leave early…then leave early. Do bring a gift. After all your Mother is probably waiting for you to have dinner at home, right? Details are not necessary. Peace.
 
As I think about it I think it is very unusual for someone to have their own party, have others pay for it and bring a gift. I wonder what “Miss Manners” would say. Is this the new economy or a new type of self indulgence? What do you say?
 
Mary_Estelle said:
As I think about it I think it is very unusual for someone to have their own party, have others pay for it and bring a gift. I wonder what “Miss Manners” would say. Is this the new economy or a new type of self indulgence? What do you say?
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I’ve been invited to many birthday parties at some restaurant. And as much as I love my friends and spending time with them, I hate these parties. I often end up seated next to people I hardly know and the friend having a birthday is so far away that we can’t even talk. :mad:

I’ve never had a problem where people wanted to split the whole check evenly – we all just paid for our own meal/drinks.

What I find interesting is that adults expect their friends to pay for their birthday dinner… but in come circles parents are expected to provide all-expense outings and gift bags for the guests at their children’s parties. 🤷
 
Thank you so much everyone! Appreciate all the great advice. I am taking what everyone suggested into consideration, as you all gave good ideas. I think what I will do though is just tell her I will be eating dinner at home and that I can come after the dinner, and bring her a small gift.

Some good news though: I received a job offer today for a position I really wanted! I don’t have much experience in this new position, so I am very grateful I am able to get this opportunity. I do want to thank all of you who prayed, as I did post in the prayer intentions thread! I start Monday, but I still don’t have a lot of money now to spend, and waiting for my paycheck from my previous job. Anyway, just wanted to share that, and to thank all of you.
 
Dacinom said:
Please tell her that “I am unable to join you for dinner but am happy to join you later!” If she asks what you are doing simply say “I am sorry I am unable to join you but can’t wait to see you at 9 pm!”

You do not owe anyone financial details of your life simply because they sent you an invitation. Especially if you think there will be pressure to attend. Saying “I am sorry I cannot attend” is 100% sufficient and something I got used to saying YEARS ago. It will bring you much freedom once you get used to saying this and quit giving people details I promise you that give it a try you will love it.
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I ended up telling her I was just going to eat dinner at home and come later, and she was totally fine with it. I was so worried what to say, and only one person out of the 10 people she invited showed up! And then me. But, your advice is great… I do do that sometimes and you’re right… It works.
 
HNA444 said:
Thanks everyone! I am thinking to do as some of you suggested, and just show up late with a small gift. But, I am going to now have to think of something to say (that’s not a lie) as to why I’m going to be late. I could say that my mom is making dinner and I’ll be eating at home, which usually my mom makes dinner every day almost anyways. But, i don’t know, I know she will say something like ‘just come to the dinner and you don’t have to eat.’
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“I’m sorry, I can’t make it 'til seven”

Your lack of assertiveness could use some correcting. I’m guessing you are not thevassertive one in the friendship…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
“I’m sorry, I can’t make it 'til seven”

Your lack of assertiveness could use some correcting. I’m guessing you are not thevassertive one in the friendship…
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I do need to work on my assertiveness more. But, it’s weird because there are times when I am very assertive, with this friend and other friends. And, then times when I’m not.
 
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