Friend's husband says he's leaving

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keri6789

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My best friend in the whole world sent me a text message at 5:00am saying her husband said he is leaving her and will be out by Friday. She said they have been fighting alot and she told him that she was tired of the fighting and he said he was to and that he decided he was going to leave her. They have a 3 year old daughter that I love like she is my own. She is my little princess. What do I do from the friend point? I have never had a married friend get left my her husband and possibly be getting divorced. I don’t know what I need to do for her and her daughter. I told her that she needs to keep herself and her daughter safe. I told her to make sure that her car is full of gas and that she has some cash out incase he decides to empty out the checking accounts and leave her with no money. You never know what someone will do when they are hurt and mad. I’m just not sure what to do to help her get through this. He might not leave. But when I talked to her on my lunch break she thinks he is serious. They have 1 car and he usually drives to work. He walked to work today and said something to the effect he doesn’t want anything from her.
 
I have not had any experience with this, but I will put in my :twocents: anyhow.

I would think that since she is your friend and you have a close relatiohship with her and her daughter there are several things that you can do. First and foremost, prayer. Pray to the Holy Family for them. Secondly be a friend. She is going to need someone to lean on and you may be that person. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs you. If that means taking her daughter so that her and her husband can talk, then do that for her. If she just needs a shoulder to cry on, do that for her.

I do not know the situation, but I would also caution you to be careful with how the husband may react to your friendship with her. I am not saying that he will do anything, just be careful.

Have they talked to anyone? A priest? A counseler? Have they tried marriage encounter? Retrouvaille? Are they interested in trying to make it work? Can the problems be overcome?

I will pray for the healing of their marriage.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
Have they talked to anyone? A priest? A counseler? Have they tried marriage encounter? Retrouvaille? Are they interested in trying to make it work? Can the problems be overcome?
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I doubt it. They aren’t involved in a church and I know that they can’t afford counsling. I don’t know about him but I do know she doesn’t want him to leave. He is saying he is leaving and thats that.
 
keri6789 said:
I doubt it. They aren’t involved in a church and I know that they can’t afford counsling. I don’t know about him but I do know she doesn’t want him to leave. He is saying he is leaving and thats that.
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If there marriage is important they will afford counseling. I think it is unfair to say that our marriage is not worth fighting for because we cannot pay for it. If they talk with a priest he could point them to a counseler that would work on a sliding scale.

Also, the retreats CAN save their marriage. Have her look into the retrouvaille weekend.

If she wants to save her marriage she has to make the effort to do it. It will not happen on its own.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
If there marriage is important they will afford counseling. I think it is unfair to say that our marriage is not worth fighting for because we cannot pay for it. If they talk with a priest he could point them to a counseler that would work on a sliding scale.

Also, the retreats CAN save their marriage. Have her look into the retrouvaille weekend.

If she wants to save her marriage she has to make the effort to do it. It will not happen on its own.
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Are these retreats of anyone? They aren’t Catholic. I love the priests at my parish. Do you have to be a member of that parish to go talk to one of them?
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
If she wants to save her marriage she has to make the effort to do it. It will not happen on its own.
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Why does it fall on her? What if he refuses counciling?

My sister went through this two years ago. After 25 years of marriage, her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore. He moved out, Then he moved 2000 miles away. She clung to the hope that he would come back. This is all on him not her.

Keri, just be there to support your friend. Let her cry and vent. She needs your friendship the most right now.

Kim
 
mesquite_magic said:
She clung to the hope that he would come back. This is all on him not her.

Keri, just be there to support your friend. Let her cry and vent. She needs your friendship the most right now.

Kim
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She told him she didn’t want him to leave. He said he pretty such didn’t care and was going to be out Friday. I guess we’ll find out Friday if he is serious. I hope he is just mad and needs some calm down time to think things through before he throws his marriage away.
 
keri6789 said:
Are these retreats of anyone? They aren’t Catholic. I love the priests at my parish. Do you have to be a member of that parish to go talk to one of them?
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I think that anyone can go to the retreats, I am not 100% certain about this, but am pretty sure. No you do not have to be a member of the parish to talk to the priest. The priest (well most of them anyway) are willing to talk to and help anyone that they can. She should feel comfortable approaching a priest, not afraid.
 
mesquite_magic said:
Why does it fall on her? What if he refuses counciling?

My sister went through this two years ago. After 25 years of marriage, her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore. He moved out, Then he moved 2000 miles away. She clung to the hope that he would come back. This is all on him not her.

Keri, just be there to support your friend. Let her cry and vent. She needs your friendship the most right now.

Kim
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It does not all fall on her, but is she wants to save the marriage and he is apathetic about it, someone has to take the first step. Someone has to be the better person here. Mind you, I do not know what they are fighting about. I do not know if the husband just walked out because he was frustrated. The details of what has lead to this are scarce. However, if she does not want the marriage to end, she wants to save the marriage, she cannot just say “well if he loves me he will come back, if not he won’t.”

Maybe if he sees her fighting for the marriage he will realize the importance of this marriage. He will step up to the plate and be a father and a husband and be willing to take the steps necessary to make the marriage work. I am sorry for what happened to your sister, but this case is different can cannot be judged based upon what happened to her. Too many marriages fail because both parties just give up. Someone has to fight for the marriage. If she wants the marriage, why not fight? Why just sit back waiting for there to be a knock on the door? A phone call? Her marriage and her daughter deserve more than that.

If in the end, he leaves and files for divorce, she can look back and say that she did everything that she could to try and save the marriage, look back with no regrets. But if she waits for him to make that decision to return and never does anything, she will be filled with too many questions.

Again, just my opinion.
 
I know I couldn’t stay for a counsling session (I wouldn’t want to) but would it be wrong for me to meet them at the Church and introduce them to the the priest so they wouldn’t feel weird about going in there to talk to someone they have never met. Both of the priests are great. I love both of them. I think either one would be great for them to talk to. And even if he doesn’t want to go, I think it might help her out personally to talk to one of them. I will go hold her hand through it if she needs me to. She has cleaned up the pieces when I felt like my life was falling apart. I’m going to try to do the same for her. I was going to tell her I can babysit so they can go if he wants to go. From what she has said, he checked out of the marriage a while ago. I keep telling her that the #1 thing is her safety and that her daughter is safe. Nothing else is more important to me than their safety right now. You just don’t know how people react when they are upset.
 
keri6789 said:
I know I couldn’t stay for a counsling session (I wouldn’t want to) but would it be wrong for me to meet them at the Church and introduce them to the the priest so they wouldn’t feel weird about going in there to talk to someone they have never met. Both of the priests are great. I love both of them. I think either one would be great for them to talk to. And even if he doesn’t want to go, I think it might help her out personally to talk to one of them. I will go hold her hand through it if she needs me to. She has cleaned up the pieces when I felt like my life was falling apart. I’m going to try to do the same for her. I was going to tell her I can babysit so they can go if he wants to go. From what she has said, he checked out of the marriage a while ago. I keep telling her that the #1 thing is her safety and that her daughter is safe. Nothing else is more important to me than their safety right now. You just don’t know how people react when they are upset.
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I think it would be a great idea to go with them or just with her. She is going to need help whether he wants to be involved or not. She can fight for her marriage, but she must also focus on getting help for herself and providing for her daughter. You are right, she needs to protect that precious child. She cannot force him to stay and if she fights for the marriage, he leaves then yes she has to focus on herself and her daughter. She needs to focus on that regardless. Protect that child.
 
My first thought, was, “I hope she doesn’t beg him to stay.” That will give him the upper hand and he could constantly threaten to leave if she didn’t do whatever he wanted.

Hopefully she can get some good advice about what to do and how to react. —KCT
 
KCT said:
My first thought, was, “I hope she doesn’t beg him to stay.” That will give him the upper hand and he could constantly threaten to leave if she didn’t do whatever he wanted.

Hopefully she can get some good advice about what to do and how to react. —KCT
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Believe me…She isn’t the begging type. She is a strong person. She is the one that is level headed…If I’m in a life or death situation, she is the one I would want there. If he decides to leave, it will crush her but she won’t beg him not to go.

I’m going to suggest she talk to someone…I think maybe she should talk to someone now incase he does leave in a couple days. Who knows how long he has thought about this and he might have a plan about what to do. I don’t want her to wake up and have everything gone because she wasn’t prepared. She is getting cash out of her bank account today and just “getting ready” incase he does decide to take all the money.
 
I researched Retrouvaille for a friend a while back and they definitely say that you don’t have to be Catholic, or even religious, to attend. I have heard amazing things about it. I hope they might be open.
 
Nicole said:
I researched Retrouvaille for a friend a while back and they definitely say that you don’t have to be Catholic, or even religious, to attend. I have heard amazing things about it. I hope they might be open.
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Thanks for posting that, I will remember that. I did not think that you had to be, but was not completely sure, now I am 👍
 
sometimes health is a factor - depression is often anger in men and diabetes can make big mood changes as well.
I’d say see a dr. to rule out anything like that.
 
KCT said:
My first thought, was, “I hope she doesn’t beg him to stay.” That will give him the upper hand and he could constantly threaten to leave if she didn’t do whatever he wanted.

Hopefully she can get some good advice about what to do and how to react. —KCT
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Yep…this happens alot… I remember when I was separated, taking my kids to my sociology class when they were out of school for the day… the topic of the day was power bases in marriage. The instructor went on in her lecture and said, “The partner who cares the least has the power.” She was referring to just this type of thing. When one spouse wants the other to stay it gives that spouse the power to make all the rules and do what they want. When my teacher said that, my dd who was 5 at the time, piped up with, “Doesn’t that sound familiar!” The whole class laughed and I cried… to know that my 5 yo could see things clearer than I did. As funny as everyone thought it was at the time, it was so sad that the child was exposed to this and could recognize it in her parents marriage. Of course my dd has always been that child that knows just what to say to embarrass you… right after we got done that section the instructor said, “Please open your books to the next section on page ?? and we will be starting on sexuality in marriage.” So next thing I know my (and before I could make a graceful exit) dd finds the page the teacher sited and we hear(really loud), “EWWWWWWW!!! GROSS!!!” and I look over at her and there is a drawing of a penis. OMGOSH!!!:eek: Well there was round 2 of everybody laughing and me crawling under the table wishing I could disappear!!! I never took her back to class again… Darn Groundhogs Day!!! Why did they get off school for such a stupid occasion anyway???
 
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