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mommamaree
Guest
Yes, I am afraid I must agree. Unless and until the OP answers some questions, the only logical conclusion to be drawn is that no female friends is an unreasonable demand.
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UnCatholicBride
Guest
There’s a difference between being an open book and giving up your rights as an individual. Demanding to read his emails, see his facebook, and giving him the nth degree about his lunches and interactions while at work is controlling. Plain and simple. I’m not advocating lying, but I’m also saying that cheating is not a reason for someone to have an all-access pass to your life.
If she’s not willing to forgive him for his past transgressions and move forward, he needs to get out of the marriage because nobody deserves to be abused, and that IS what is going on here.
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justamon
Guest
Yes, there was an emotional affair which landed us in therapy. What started out as helping a friend with a remodel, turned into spending time with her not remodeling, talking 24/7 (on way to work at 3,4,5 am, during the day and on way home.).
The only reason it stopped is because I contacted her and she said that she intended to pull back from him but didn’t. I do know that at a concert they had gone to together he had his arm around her. So yes, for those minimizing his behavior, it is real. He thinks because he didn’t sleep with her it wasn’t an affair.
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mommamaree
Guest
Okay, this helps put it all into perspective. So, he did all these things you mention, which absolutely qualify as an emotional affair, but he still rejects the idea that he is guilty of anything because the affair stopped short of sex? That is very telling, and it really explains why you would have such a problem with his current behaviors.
For what it is worth, I didn’t intend to minimize. Your messages have been brief, and we are not mind-readers. There are some great CAF members posting here, wanting to help, but we just didn’t have the full picture. Now we do.
I agree completely with you that his current behavior is out-of-bounds. I hope your individual counseling sessions next week make some headway. Did the counselour last night correct him about the reality of emotional affairs, and the problems of emotional over-involvement and intimacy and affection with other women? It blows my mind that he could behave that way and still be able to justify to himself that he had done no wrong.
You do have a very serious challenge ahead of you. I cannot offer any more advice right now. You are already doing what you can, by seeing a marriage counselour and by setting boundaries (even if he refuses to cooperate). But what I can offer are my prayers. I am so sorry for this.
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justamon
Guest
Thank you for your understanding and prayers. The counselir did not say anything to him and just listened to us argue. I believe this is why she wants to see us individually.
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The_Bucket
Guest
Uh… what? He’s being abused? He’s the one who engaged in an emotional affair. And yeah, the follow up is pretty indicative of doing exactly that. When you step over that line, you lose your freedom if you want the marriage to survive.
If your husband had sex with another woman but you wanted to keep trying, wouldn’t you set boundaries? What if he just flirted a lot with other women, paid attention to them while pulling away from you and kept it all secret. That’s a betrayal of trust.
You have to rebuild that trust! You can’t just say “oh well, I forgive you, let’s go back to how things were.” That’s nonsense. There’s some kind of extended “probationary” period. That period could last years… decades.
I don’t think the OP is saying that her husband can’t have contact with women. She’s saying that he can’t have unsupervised or untraceable contact with them. That’s not unreasonable. Her husband, to be quite frank, doesn’t appear to understand how his previous behavior was wrong. His past behavior shows that he cannot be fully trusted and the secrecy he’s engaging in now is pretty good evidence that he hasn’t changed.
OP, excuse me if I’m assuming… but would you be relatively OK if he had female friends that also knew you well and/or if all of his communications were accessible to you?
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mommamaree
Guest
I wondered if that might be the reason. It might be easier for her to address his past indiscretions rationally, if he doesn’t feel like he has to battle to save face in front of you. Sometimes, it takes an internal conviction coming from another source for a man to understand just how painful and destructive his actions have become.
In the meantime, it might help if you ignore his messaging completely, until after he and counselour have had a chance to address this individually. You obviously need a break from the behavior that triggers you, and he would benefit from entering next week’s meeting with a cooler head.
This is really hard. I truly have a hard time understanding infidelity. It just seems incomprehensible to me that a person who made solemn vows to love someone could betray their spouse and share their affections (even non-sexual) with another.
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Fatherof4and1
Guest
I am very wary of close personal friends of the opposite sex after my wife’s emotional affair. Has your husband acknowledged your need for reassurance given your past? Do you have guidelines on interaction, or are you just expected to be OK with everything and act like it never happened? Are guardrails for acceptable behavior agreed upon? My wife could not just go cold turkey with no male friends. I can’t just let her drive off and spend a weekend with male friends (married or not). Is middle ground possible?
For me, I came to the realization that I just could not allow her to have close contact with men (phone calls or texting frequently or lunches in public) unless I had some access to the communications to spot check. If not, I would have to live apart–probably with her parents. I must protect my daughters and son from destructive behavior. I could not remain sane otherwise.
It’s been 8 months now and we are still struggling with trust. We will struggle for a couple more years I am sure (she has some issues with me too that I really am trying to work on). But at some point I must trust her again with a clean slate. Everyone deserves a clean slate when they are truly sorry. But it is your job as his wife to tell him if his behavior is out of bounds. You are the best mirror he has to reflect to him what he needs to work on. UnCatholicWife, I acknowledge your good points about being overly controlling–definitely would be bad to live under those conditions. But if I were passed out at the wheel while driving, I would expect my wife to grab it for a while until I woke up!
For me, I came to the realization that I just could not allow her to have close contact with men (phone calls or texting frequently or lunches in public) unless I had some access to the communications to spot check. If not, I would have to live apart–probably with her parents. I must protect my daughters and son from destructive behavior. I could not remain sane otherwise.
It’s been 8 months now and we are still struggling with trust. We will struggle for a couple more years I am sure (she has some issues with me too that I really am trying to work on). But at some point I must trust her again with a clean slate. Everyone deserves a clean slate when they are truly sorry. But it is your job as his wife to tell him if his behavior is out of bounds. You are the best mirror he has to reflect to him what he needs to work on. UnCatholicWife, I acknowledge your good points about being overly controlling–definitely would be bad to live under those conditions. But if I were passed out at the wheel while driving, I would expect my wife to grab it for a while until I woke up!
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justamon
Guest
Nothing was done about boundaries last time. He does not acknowledge my need for reassurance because he did “nothing” wrong and felt he had to take responsibility for it. He truly doesn’t see why past actions have led us to the present situation. I don’t think the counselor will say much to him either so I don’t know how we expect to work on things.
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Fatherof4and1
Guest
My wife still thinks she did nothing wrong too. But she is changing her behavior and acknowledges the pain I have is justified and has FINALLY started to work with me, after 7 months of head banging. Keep working at it – don’t give up! Love him as much and as hard as you can in all ways–that helps a lot. People can change.
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ela2
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The_Bucket
Guest
I’ve been in recovery for almost two years for pornography addiction. I still don’t have my own smart phone. 
And if/when I get one, I’ll have a filter installed with the password held by my wife. That’s just how it goes when you screw up. I deserve that kind of scrutiny; if it will keep her mind at ease, I’m all for it.
I caused the pain, I should have to deal with those consequences. Consequences within reason, of course, but consequences nevertheless.
And if/when I get one, I’ll have a filter installed with the password held by my wife. That’s just how it goes when you screw up. I deserve that kind of scrutiny; if it will keep her mind at ease, I’m all for it.I caused the pain, I should have to deal with those consequences. Consequences within reason, of course, but consequences nevertheless.
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on_the_hill
Guest
If he hadn’t had an emotional affair, this might never have been a point for discussion. Which goes without saying, I know. Call me Capt. Obvious. However, the bigger point is that opposite sex friendships aren’t necessarily dangerous, and we can’t write them off because minority of them lead to infidelity.
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holyrood
Guest
I’m in full agreement.
Furthermore, my own e-mail was open on the computer all the time before I found out about XH’s emotional affairs. He could have looked at anything, anytime, for a couple of years. So I wasn’t asking anything I wasn’t perfectly willing to give myself.
To OP, what I learned through multiple emotional affairs (and possibly physical ones, I’ll never know), is that the other spouse has to *want *to save the marriage. My XH was not willing to be an open book, and time after time I found out that the obvious reason was indeed the truth: he wasn’t willing to be an open book exactly because he still had plenty to hide. He expected that somehow I should believe him when he said he was now being honest and rebuilt my trust based on his (untrustworthy) word!
We are now divorced in part because I finally understood 1. he wasn’t interested in changing the marriage; he liked it just as it was, and 2. even though I will never know how far any of these secret friendships went, I did finally know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he lies, has always lied, and would continue to lie and I finally understood it was impossible to built a real marriage on such a foundation and that in fact, there had never been a real marriage because I had never once been told the real truth, by him, about who he really was/is.
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DAML72
Guest
I don’t know if talking to a priest will help - but it’s worth a shot.
I think you need to strongly put your foot down and tell him ‘no more’. This site might be helpful:
survivinginfidelity.com/
As a general rule, I don’t think that this forum is tremendously helpful with regard to issues of potential infidelity. Really, check out the above site and the forums - there are prescribed steps you can take to confront your husband about this that the forum members will help you with. But you need to be very strong and uncompromising in your intolerance of this behavior.
I think you need to strongly put your foot down and tell him ‘no more’. This site might be helpful:
survivinginfidelity.com/
As a general rule, I don’t think that this forum is tremendously helpful with regard to issues of potential infidelity. Really, check out the above site and the forums - there are prescribed steps you can take to confront your husband about this that the forum members will help you with. But you need to be very strong and uncompromising in your intolerance of this behavior.
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pianistclare
Guest
DAML72 brings up a good point here…those who have posted steps you can take are most helpful. But the rest of us have simply said whether we think it’s OK or not OK.
ON some level, it really doesn’t matter what we think. You have to live with your decisions.
Reading all the tips from sites and books, making an appointment for individual therapy and eventual couples therapy, and talking to a priest all will do you the most good.
A therapist will get to the root of the matter.
I hope it works out the best way for you as a couple.
We’re praying for you,
Peace.
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jimmybeth
Guest
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What he did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What he did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
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katiewoods
Guest
I’m agree with justamon your tension. It’s a normal human behavior. If your husband doing all this thing in some limit then it is ok. But he should also have to care your feelings too.
My advice is this. Friends of the opposite sex are absolutely acceptable if both spouses are allow then it is ok. But if if any one have problem with that then priority is going to your relationship must always be safe.You both have to loyal to each other and you have to find that what things are attracting your husband to their friends.
In some case you may have to change your attitude and give more attention to your husband. These minor things also affect to your husband’s way of thinking.
Your thoughts and feelings also have value. So change yourself but not totally. You can also meeting with a priest that can be very beneficial to your issue. It may not answer all of your questions and it may not even resolve the immediate problem, but your priest will be able to help lay out the foundational groundwork of where to go from here. My prayers are with you.
**If you still have doubt read this article/B]
Katie Woods
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My advice is this. Friends of the opposite sex are absolutely acceptable if both spouses are allow then it is ok. But if if any one have problem with that then priority is going to your relationship must always be safe.You both have to loyal to each other and you have to find that what things are attracting your husband to their friends.
In some case you may have to change your attitude and give more attention to your husband. These minor things also affect to your husband’s way of thinking.
Your thoughts and feelings also have value. So change yourself but not totally. You can also meeting with a priest that can be very beneficial to your issue. It may not answer all of your questions and it may not even resolve the immediate problem, but your priest will be able to help lay out the foundational groundwork of where to go from here. My prayers are with you.
**If you still have doubt read this article/B]
Katie Woods
**
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